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Thursday, March 31, 2005

If Shel Silverstien Was Not A Genius

I was getting ready for my Vegas Brothers gig when this poem coarsed through my head. All I can say is the muse speaks to me in mysterious ways. I apologize in advance.

"The One That Got Away"
aka, "If Shel Silverstein Was NOT a Genius"
By Andy Martello

When I came home the other day
My wife had too much cabernet
She offered me an oral lay
An act not seen since wedding day!
Without hesitation I said, “OK!”
And thought, “Is there a blue moon today?”

Her mouth on me did have her way
Slowly keeping my thrust at bay
“I wish to cum, I wish I may,”
I said to her, but she said, “NAY”
At least I think that’s what she did say
So hard to tell with my cock in the way

Suddenly to my dismay
Something else came into play
Oh why just then did this urge stay
Deep within my bodily fray?
A normal part of my every day
Rather unwelcome I dare say

I’m not sure how I should convey
The urge disrupting this soiree
A sound within, a gurgling bray
I should not have dined at that cafe
If this need saw the light of day
For sure there’d be some hell to pay

But soon the need did so outweigh
My passionate carnal desire to spray
“Do NOT Release!” I must obey
Unspoken rules of this tête-à-tête
My insides churn and grind away
DAMN that awful cheese soufflé!

I yearned to find some other way
To enjoy this oral power play
Per haps I could push her away
I’d have to finish some other day
I’d jerk & tug. To use a cliché,
I'd be stuck with the old “squeeze play”

My thoughts of exit were led astray
When pressure within won the day
Try as I might I did betray
My wife & the rules in every way
When from behind came a sonorous display
Accompanied by a most dreadful bouquet

I need not mention she ran away
She threw belongings in her attaché
And drove off in a Chevrolet
Away from me she’s chosen to stay
At some hotel near Thunder Bay
No doubt banging the young valet

So heed my warning on this day
If while enjoying an oral lay
You find yourself in a gaseous way
From eating that Peanut Buster Parfait
You’ll find your life in disarray
If just one fart does get away!

Some Overdue Blog-Whoring

Penguinis are spreading across the globe as well as the internet!

You may remember Bitchitude's lovely set...of photos regarding her recent additions to the family known as the Flying Penguinis. However, penguins are migrating everywhere or so it would seem.

It seems as though Doyle Brooks has spotted a Penguini drinking and carousing with lovely ladies all over that island of his. I just love to see Penguinis enjoying tasty cocktails and then trying to get some tail!

And check out the can(s) on Becky from April Fool!

I hear that Penguinis are making their way to Arizona, Connecticut, & who knows where else?

Due to the overwhelming presence of Penguinis everywhere I have decided to create a section in the menu for all members of the Penguini Posse (Thanks, Doyle for the name). Anyone wishing to become a member in good standing need only refer to the many FREE STUFF posts.

(Update! 5:07 PM CST)

THIS JUST IN! Jade is reporting Penguini/Bunny fraternization in Arizona! The Penguini Posse GROWS!

In the Future...

...I'm just going to list my profession on my tax forms as, "C.E.O. of ENRON Corp."

That may in fact be the last joke I ever tell. :(

Plan on the Andy Martello show business retirement party being in about a month.

Plan on the Andy Martello substance abuse intervention some time in August.

Plan on the Andy Martello funeral on April 15, 2006.

Watch the news in between August 2005 & April 2006 to see if there are any funny stories involving a drunken fire eater "causing a disturbance through aggressive panhandling" at the IRS building in Bloomingdale, IL.

Actually the interview/audit went much better than last year's, according to my accountant. He said our auditor was much more understanding of the needs of my profession and was VERY impressed with how organized and well-presented my data and receipts were.

None of this means that there won't be any changes or scrutiny, of course. However, the tone and feel of this year's procedure is much better than before and that is CERTAINLY something to feel better about! In short, it looks as though this year I will be given more of a fair shot and that's really about all a guy can hope for in this situation.

Thanks for any mojo sent my way. I'm sure it helped. ;)

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

One Little Note

It is nice to hear good things every once in awhile. I haven't heard to many of those recently.

From the bulletin board at The Vegas Brothers site:

Sarah C, Guest
Re: Welcome to The Vegas Brothers Forum« Reply #1 on: 03/30/2005 at 09:40:13 »

Hi,I was at your show at Crabagales In Joliet with a goup of 5 friends. We really enjoyed the show. It was more than we expected, we laughed all night. Thank you .VB Fan,Sarah C

Been Busy. Will Have Something for You on Thursday

Until then send me some positive blogger mojo. The IRS comes a calling tomorrow and I'm quite sure they will have forgotten their lubricant again!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Good to Be a Pack Rat with a Blog

April & I are not much into the Easter thing. However we do like free food so we're heading on over to her grandparent's house for a big tummy full of ham.

Even as a kid I didn't like Easter very much. Sure, I liked the candy but in general the pastel colors, the odd juxtaposition of an egg-bearing bunny & Jesus, and the underlying religious aspects of the day turned me off. Ah well.

What you're looking at here is an ad that ran in the local paper Easter week in Marengo, IL some time between 1985-1988. I've saved this in pristine condition all these years.

Notice I have edited out the business name. Why?

Read on!

This made me BUST OUT IN HYSTERICS as a teenager when I read it because of the business that placed the ad. I honestly thought this was a joke. I was dancing around the house showing everyone this ad and reveling in the fact that someone in my small, sheltered, country town had such a clever & wicked sense of humor. I thought there was hope for these rubes and felt as though I was not the only one who was "too hip for the room".

That week I stopped by the local business to thank them for placing such a funny advertisement. I was sure if I let them know that someone out there in Ma & Pa Kettle Land got the joke we'd have some sort of bonding moment. A kindred spirit would be revealed. They would show me the other half of an amulet that I'd been wearing around my neck for years and we'd embrace. Eventually they'd offer me a job and I would prosper.

Come On, People!  This is a Joke, Right?What I found when I expressed my euphoria was anger and disdain from the business owners. They were appalled that I would find any humor in an ad commemorating the resurrection of our savior and they asked me to leave. Apparently they did not see any humor in the ad and had no intention of making anyone chortle at the clever wit buried within.

I took another look at the ad. Had I missed something? Sure this advertisement makes complete sense and it is not out of place in a newspaper during Easter week. It is appropriate, especially when you look at the artwork alone. However when you factor in the business, the name, the type of services they offer, and then look back at the image of Jesus emerging so triumphantly and of perfect posture you HAVE to see why I would assume this was all a big joke.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

While We're On the Subject

I know I have posted this before, but some of you are late to the Andy Land Party and therefore you may have missed the absolute GENIUS behind this.

I found this at some time back and it is among the most bizarre & hysterical animations I've ever seen. Of course I'm rather biased because I'm very fond of both the music in the piece as well as penguins. Regardless, you'll rarely see something so broad in scope and full of texture when watching stupid time wasters online. Please enjoy!

OOH! Penguins with Guns!

Arizona Desert Penguins.  Very rare!

I was told by Jade that this is not her fan pic. This is merely a response to a comment I made at her most excellent blog. The fan pic is sill in production. However, this still makes me laugh my fool head off when I look at it and think about her working to create this masterpiece!

Incidentally, the photo on which she superimposed the penguins is a lovely snapshot of the Arizona sunset. Jade took this one herself and you can see the "unfeathered" (HA!) version at the Jaded Sunburns blog.

I haven't been to Arizona in a good many years. Last time I was out there I was working for a show called the Mackinaw Music Show. I did LOVE the sunsets and the landscapes there. Nothing like drinking a cool beer during one of those sunsets. Many thanks, Jade!

Now we're up to THREE Andy-centric penguins in one week. Here's a pic of taken from the animation Doyle gimmicked earlier to start off this madness!. LOL!

Calling All Canadians!

I'll say this up front. I'm a big geeky dork-boy. I admit it and there is no need for you to point this out to me.

The NEW Doctor Who series had its debut this week in the U.K. and will air on the CBC in Canada on April 5, 2005. (See: SciFiDaily)Lord knows when or if we'll ever get the series here in the States.

I was hoping to find some Canadian friend out there willing to videotape the program for me. I'd pay for the tape & postage of course, and I'm sure I would send some sort of fun FREE STUFF as a thank you. I doubt I have any Canadian friends that are into Doctor Who. That's why I'm offering to pay for your time and materials and bribe you. LOL!

Hell, there may be someone out there with much higher-tech knowledge than me who can TIVO the thing, burn it onto a CD or something equally cool. Regardless, I'm not going to ask for a week-by-week dose of the show. I'm just very curious to see the first episode. If you HAVE that kind of time on your hands...

Anyone? Kim? Pauly?? Naomi??? Vegasbaby???? Lovedonnaz?????

Did I mention that I think Alex Trebec, Alan Thicke, Monty Hall, Geddy Lee, & William Shatner should all be on Mount Rushmore?

Golfwidow Reinvents the Fan Sign!

After reading a comment from the lovely and talented Golfwidow I headed on over to her GREAT blog to find this magnificent creature. Of course you are looking at a screen shot and not experiencing the full joy of the situation.

When you travel to her site (or after I get the code for here) you will find this virtual penguin watching you and waiting for you to play with him using your cursor.

Golfwidow "adopted" this little guy on my behalf and I have been giggling about it ever since. What's even better? This little guy is in RED! Two Andy-centric penguins in the same week! I may have to set up a gallery for such things!

In any event, this is an original in regard to fan pics. Once I get her info, some FREE STUFF will be flying off to Golfwidow!

Friday, March 25, 2005

The Vegas Brothers Are Swingin' Again!

That's right, baby! The Vegas Brothers will be swingin' like a hammer at an anvil convention Thursday March 31, 2005 & Sunday April 3, 2005.

Here's the skinny.

Thursday March 31, 2005, The Vegas Brothers LIVE at Ditka's Sports Dome, 730 North Bolingbrook Dr in Bolingbrook, IL.

Sunday April 3, 2005, The Vegas Brothers LIVE at Walter Payton's Roundhouse, Route 25 (205 N. Broadway in Aurora, IL.
Call (630) 264-BREW (2739) for showtimes, reservations,and pricing.

See the show now before we're too important to even talk to you rummies!

Anyone Near Auburn Hills, MI?

If so, come on out to the Great Lakes Crossing Mall on April 2, 2005 and watch my show from NOON to 1:00 PM.

I'll be doing a FREE variety show for kids & adults. This is the first of three performances I'll be doing there in 2005.

I advise you to do a Mapquest search to see how far YOU are from Auburn Hills, MI. Sure, the folks in Hawaii and Arizona and so on need not bother. However, if you live in some parts of Canada, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and of course, Michigan, you may want to come out and meet me, heckle me, etc.

Still not convinced? Well the just read this nice little write-up about my show from the Great Lakes Crossing website.

"April 2 FREE Variety Show For Kids

Don't miss our free variety show featuring nationally acclaimed performance artist Andy Martello! Comedy, juggling, plate spinning and more! Located in our Food Court from 12PM-2PM."

Nationally acclaimed! My GOD I'm good! Not sure what's going on after I'm done at 1:00 PM but I'm confident it will be big time fun!

A Word About Fan Pics

Fan pics are not just for stroking the ego, though that's one of the main reasons I want them. In my time as a blogger I've decided that I hate those stupid MEME games or whatever the hell they're called. However I do like gaining readers and therefore I will upon occasion play along.

Instead of those stupid games I choose to be a blog whore, as Bitchitude has so eloquently stated many a time. A good blog whore does his part to build readership by actively seeking out link exchanges with other websites. One great way to do this is with fan signs.

If you like a certain blog and read it often then why not take a simple fan photo and post it on your blog?

If you're uncomfortable with being plastered on the internet you can leave your face out of the equation altogether.

A fan photo with an accompanying link usually gets a few more clicks to the other person's site, inspires the subject of the fan pic to blog about your site, which in-turn will bring readers your way and so on.
Cherry Pie sent me my first fan pics so I reciprocated. She's my first, I'm her first, it all worked out nicely.

Imagine the joy you'd bring to GMILF-in-training, Bitchitude if she saw an unusual number of hits coming from your site all thanks to a little photo like this one...

picture the surprised look on Doyle's wizened face if he received this photo in his e-mail one fine Hawaiian morning...

You're not only having some harmless internet fun, but you're doing your part to help promote the blogs and websites of some of your favorite writers. All this with one snap of your camera!

See? Big time fun! Now I am not saying that every damn guy on your link list should get a fan pic. We already waste too much time on this blogging nonsense. But when you see one of these you tend to follow the links and generate traffic for the blog.

I, of course, am just doing this to soothe my insecure entertainer psyche. I'm so stereotypically in dire need for your attention and approval I've actually offered bribes in return for fan pics. You could blatantly LIE about liking my work all to get the free stuff and I wouldn't care. How pathetic am I?

Oh, I'm also in it for the chance to get photos of naked ladies professing their love for me. Makes my ego, and other things, swell.

FREE STUFF Revisited

It dawns on me that I may have been a bit misleading in my plea for fan pics. It seems that many true fans were under the impression that in order to get the Flying Penguini Juggling Kits you had to be...

A) A young HOTTIE in naughty poses
B) A penguin in naughty poses
C) A young HOTTIE posing with a penguin in a naughty pose.

Nothing could be further from the truth! While I appreciate it if a young lady wants to send me naughty photos of herself holding a fan sign, it is not a necessity. Furthermore you don't actually have to own a penguin ranch or work at a zoo in order to get the big prize. No, no, no no!

I just threw in the penguin option in case you were not a HOTTIE willing to send me some titillating photos. A photo of ANY Andy Land fan that prominently features a penguin also gets the Penguinis. Being a HOTTIE is optional. I was just going for the joke about being a big dumb male and wanting naughty photos of ladies. Really I was pandering to the Uberbitch to see if she'd send me some pics. Since I know she's too busy posting the naughty pics of herself on her own blog I don't need to press the issue anymore. Besides, she's not a fan. :(

Sorry if I was misunderstood.

Don't get me wrong, I will still be happy to get some naughty photos from the ladies should any of you want to send them. I will never stop being a big dumb male no matter how hard I try (which I don't!).

The penguins in your fan pic can be toy penguins, cartoons, drawings, photos - any sort of penguin-related thing. If it is in the photo with you holding a fan sign you get the Penguinis. Simple and fun.

So let's review!

Send me a fan pic of yourself = Andy Martello Collector's Card

Send me a fan pic and post it, along with a link on your own blog = Louie Louie CD

Fan pic that features a penguin = Flying Penguini Juggling Kit

Scantily clad HOTTIE fan pic = All of the Above (I am a big dumb male!)

Scantily clad HOTTIE fan pic with penguin = PRICELESS!

WHEW! I hope I've cleared the air on this one. More importantly I hope to get those fan pics a coming in! I have so little to keep me happy y'know. Jade? Becky?? Anyone??? ;)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

New Links

Well shuck my corn! There's another blog or two out there silly enough to post a link to my little old blog.

Jade has a plethora of blogs for you to read. They're all quite entertaining and I recommend them highly. Of course the one that seems to be most appealing to me is the Jaded Sunburns blog because that one has my blog linked. ;)

Hey! Are you like me? Do you like blogs that feature links to bizarre movies, scantily clad people, and odd news stories from around the globe? NO? Well how about sites like that that are in GERMAN??? That's right! Now we're talking! Check out and see what kind of lunacy awaits. Feel free to translate their site if you insist on being able to understand everything.

Penguins Are So Sensitive to My Needs

It is no secret that I enjoy penguins. I have many photos, both from the net and from my own trips to zoos. I've found penguin cartoons & games online and with very little exception I enjoy all things penguin.

I don't like crappy penguin drawings or cutesy stupid penguin crap. One problem with announcing to anyone that you like a certain animal or theme is that everybody ends up getting you something AWFUL for birthdays, holidays, etc. JUST because it has that theme on it. Rarely does anyone look for unique, funny, or clever use of the subject matter. They see a penguin and assume I will want it. "Oh look, a penguin wearing a scarf and hat! Andy's will LOVE this!" Many times they are wrong.

Doyle Brooks, managed to eliminate the problem altogether by taking something penguinlicious and making it even more pengtastic! I won't spoil it for you here. I insist you check out his altered version of a popular web penguin animation. It is probably the best penguin gift I've ever received. LOL!

By the way, I do have a birthday coming up (*cough-cough* MAY 30 *cough*) . If you wish to pick out some fine penguin things for me one great place is located right HERE! I especially like the juggling penguin stuff. I just wish they made note cards with that one!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Some Misc. Blog & Site Finds

While surfing the internet and checking up on a few of my favorite haunts I found a few things worth sharing. The photo above is not only excellent because of the penguins, it was prominently displayed at I've been lax in my writing lately so there's been no need for him to promote any of my crap. I thought I'd promote some of his crap instead.

On a recent visit to Tina Dupuy's Sardonic Sideshow I found a most excellent post designed to piss off Lefties & Righties. I won't reprint the whole thing here. I'll let you discover the fine work for yourself.

Last, but certainly not least, I am happy to announce the reprinting of my article, "A Clown in Kentucky" at my new internet home, Malicious Bitch. If you are new to the musings of this old bastard, please check out that story. It is among my all-time favorites.

Equal Time

Would YOU Let This Guy Into Your Club?Since I painted a rather unflattering picture of my good friend Joe Schulenberg recently, and accented that by adding an actual unflattering picture of the man, I thought I'd share this rather unpleasant photo of myself.

This was sent to me today by Kelly "Ghetto Boy" Williams. He took this at The Beat Kitchen, a great music club that used to play home to a rather bad comedy club.

Ahhhhh look at this sexy beast. Fat...Bloated...Sweaty...Drunk (most likely)...Angry. That's me all over.

You need only look into the eyes of this disgusting creature to see where the venom comes from. Sure Joe deserves my wrath and overly sarcastic jibes for myriad reasons, but you can tell that deep down I'm a bad man!

Monday, March 21, 2005

I Just Had to Do Something With This Picture

Photo By Caysie Cannon I spent about 3 or 4 days last week working on the press kit for The Vegas Brothers.

I had hoped to find a place for this great photo.

In the finished version of the kit there was no suitable place to put it without making everything look strange.

I guess it is a little like editing a film together. You may have some great scenes but are forced to remove them for various reasons .

So here it is!

I'll post some more pictures as I remember to do so. Eventually there will be a Vegas Brothers Blog to entertain all 12 of our fans!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

R.I.P. George Scott

The Blind Boys of Alabama have been singing, recording, and performing gospel music together since 1939, after forming at the Talladega Institute for the Blind. They have won 4 Grammy Awards in as many years, with their most recent coming just this year (a collaboration with musician Ben Harper). They have been touring almost non-stop for nearly 70 consecutive years.

On March 8, 2005, founding member (one of three left in the group) George Scott, died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 75. (SEE: Reuters Story)

I discovered the Blind Boys only a few years ago when I saw them open for Peter Gabriel. The Blind Boys have been on Gabriel's Real World label for some time now and have been finding new audiences with each song they release.

Since being musically reborn back in 1992 they've maintained their faith to their Gospel roots appeal and enhanced their appeal by fusing their fantastic and passionate harmonies with a more modern blues sound. "Spirit of the Century", one of my all-time favorite albums of music, illustrates this wonderful marriage of blues & gospel perfectly.

I came late to the party with regard to the Blind Boys. I suppose it is nothing to be ashamed of since they'd been performing for well over 60 years before I'd ever heard of them. Sure I missed out on them for a long time, but then again, unless you were a gospel fan, they could have gone another 60 years under your personal radar.

While I intend on finding as many of their earlier recordings as possible, their Real World releases are among my favorites so far. Their Christmas album, "Go Tell it On the Mountain" (their ONLY Christmas release) is, in my opinion, the finest collection of holiday tunes ever recorded. "Higher Ground" is also frequently in my CD player.

On March 15, the same day George Scott was laid to rest, "Atom Bomb", their latest offering was released. I'll be buying my copy today.

PLEASE, visit the various Blind Boys sites I've linked. Listen to the audio tracks and watch the video clips. You do not have to be a fan of Gospel music to fall in love with the great act. You can see the Blind Boys performing LIVE at the 36th Annual NAACP Image Awards, airing March 25 from 8pm to 10pm on FOX. The band will continue to tour and perform and will be on tour this summer.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Watching "Oh God!" on TV Right Now...

...and I've come to a few conclusions.

In a HEARTBEAT!A) It seems odd that George Burns outlived John Denver

B) I will never be fortunate enough to have Larry Gelbart's respect and career.

C) Every man my age or older had/has a BIG CRUSH on Teri Garr!

Another Good Time at the M.S.O.E.

I just LOVE working for the students and staff of the Milwaukee School of Engineering. They are a great bunch of kids and they always seem to enjoy the bizarre type of comedy/juggling show I do just for the college crowds.

We had even more people than we did last September and were it not for the freakin' snow that was falling when I left it would have been a near perfect night.

When I have work and the shows are good, there is nothing that can make me feel awful.

Of course, tomorrow is my audit. I am quite confident I'll be in a bad mood soon.

By the way, did you know that St. Patrick is the patron saint of engineering? Funny what you learn on these jobs.

A Busy Weekend

Finally I have a busy weekend to pay some bills with around here!

I get to head up to Milwaukee today for a repeat performance at the Milwaukee School of Engineering. I'm not all that thrilled about drinking around Milwaukee on St. Patty's Day, but I am big on the idea of making a living!

St. Patty's Day is such a joke! I'm all for holidays that promote excessive drinking, but really, therere are so FEW actual Irish people here in the States that there's no real need to celebrate. There are a lot of AMERICANS, born & bred here, with some Irish decent in their history. But last time I checked, that doesn't make anyone Irish. Where were you born? Wheredo you vote? Where do you pay taxes? What country do you hold citizenship?

We've been a country for well over 200 years, have some pride in being an American! If you want St. Patty's Day so bad then you should forfeit your rights to enjoying Independence Day and go to fucking work! Most of the so-called Irish in the states can't even tell you thing one about the Potato Famine, but they sure know a lot about beer & whiskey. It is a joke!

I know, "Everybody's Irish on St. Patty's Day" . Fuck that! I don't see any of you wannabes clamoring to be black on Martin Luther King Day, and HE actually did some great things! Chasing out the snakes in Ireland? Big fucking deal! You can get rid of just about anything in that country if you serve them some good old Irish cooking!

More importantly, in this overly politically correct, leave no group unpatronized land of ours, why aren't there more "Orangemen" all pissed off on this day? Ireland has always been of two distinct & colorful persuasions, the Greensmen and the Orangemen. I'm sure it has something to do with religious differences as all things Irish only deal with drinking, religion, or politics (specifically the blowing shit up kind of politics). In any event, why aren't there more pissed off Irish folks that HATE St. Patty's Day? It is just sad.

That being said, enjoy your pretend holiday! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

By the way, if you're "Irish" don't bother posting any hateful comments. I have no idea what I'm saying. I'm so drunk right now!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A Few Notes

Some nice plugs from Bud Buckley, & The Funky Cowboy came my way in recent days. You know the drill. your Blogiverse by indulging in lots of mutual virtual masturbation. Thanks for the kind words, folks!

I don't know how it happened, but "Date Your Daughter! It's All the Rage!" climbed into the top ten most read articles at The Cheers recently. I haven't been writing any new stuff in a few weeks there so it was quite a surprise to see my name in lights again. As money gets a little better around here I'll slowly get back into the writing for a miniscule audience and no monetary gain game. I promise! There was supposed to be a reprint of my "Clown in Kentucky" story at Malicious Bitch. Not sure what happened to that. I'll have to bug Doyle or Christine, if they're not doing homework or something.

If you haven't read Becky's April Fool blog yet, please do so. She's my newest blog friend and she has a blog skin that matches my show-biz color scheme nicely. I think she wants to be in the act or something. In any event, stop in and say HI to the young lady.

Finally, I give a little something special for the ladies. The other day I just couldn't resist the chance to tell a good joke by linking the Steak & BJ Day site when I promised a little something for the ladies. Well today I plan on making good on my promise.

Although I don't really need to do anything for my female readers. Loyal readers know that long before I had my special post for the men, I did in fact post something just for the benefit of the lovely ladies in my reading audience. Of course a few e-mails and comments made me feel as though I should do SOMETHING to balance things out.

Therefore I give you Uberbitch Naomi's Hunk Heaven! There's so much gratuitous penis waving around on that site you'll think you've walked into a hot dog factory. I'm quite sure that there are some guys you won't like there. Women can't agree on ANYTHING when it comes to these sorts of things. But you can no longer say I didn't try to give you equal time, if not equal objectifying time.

Oh, and in order to appease Golfwidow (who also has a blog I love) I will break form here and give a rather UN-Andy Land intro to the site.

And now, a little site just for the ladies. That is to say, just the ladies that like men and not the ever-growing but politically insignificant demographic known as lesbians. You should just look away. I suppose this is not just for the decidedly non-lesbian ladies, but also for the decidedly flaming gay men out there too. In fact I'm pretty sure that they are really the only folks that will find Hunk Heaven all that appealing as they pretty much think like straight men when it comes to naked lust objects. Most of the ladies, not the other ladies mind you, will complain that too many of the men there are veiny or something. OOH! I can still refer to the gay men as "ladies" so long as it is not intended to be a slam against them personally and more of a hip, "you go girl" kind of understanding and fun statement, right? Maybe I should tell them how much I love Queer Eye. Anyway, this post is for the ladies, the "ladies" and not the other ladies. Should I really have to specify who this is for? I mean THEY know who THEY are and may even know who THIS site is for by the context of the text. Ah well...Enjoy, Hunk Heaven!

See, Golfwidow? Things are much simpler in the "fuck political correctness" world known as Andy Land.

Nice to Be Appreciated

I was working at a country club this weekend. Country clubs are always a little unusual because the decadence is just so blatant and unapologetic.

The kids as well as the adults at these events are often a bit on the rude side and you never really feel like you're doing a good job as a performer since so many spoiled little brats & parents are not paying attention to you.

That being said I did a fine little show at a country club for a pre-Easter event. Lots of candy, food, pastel colors and the like.

After the show, a show where I did indeed feel as though nobody could care one iota about my show, two kids came up to me to thank me for doing such a nice program.

That was thoughtful and cute enough, but the fact that they both had Easter eggs and chocolate with them as thank you presents was pretty darned cool!

There were actual eggs on the tables as well as those cute foil-wrapped chocolate eggs. These kids felt that giving me their Easter treats in return for a good show was the right thing to do. That was pretty freakin' adorable.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Blog Friend of Mine Needs Some Cheering Up

The lovely Mrs. Fu-Qtoo, also known as Cherry Pie, was in an auto accident on March 11th. Nothing broken or mangled other than a car and some pride, thankfully.

Personal injuries not withstanding, she is thus far the ONLY person to have sent me a fan pic and the ONLY person thus far that I have sent a fan pic to in return. If for no other reason, she deserves to get many MANY well wishes from other bloggers. And HOW many times have I used the term, "thus far" thus far?

So, please head on over to her blog and send some encouraging words and kind remarks. Be sure to tell her I sent you and she'll be sure to hate me for years to come. ;)

Get back on yer feet, Cherry Pie!

And to All...A Good Night!




Sunday, March 13, 2005

Dontcha Wish YOU Had One?

2005 Card
Will you just look at that magnificent bastard!
My GOD, it's beautiful!

What you are looking at is the 2005 edition of my Superstar Performers Collector's Card. I just received it in the mail and BOY am I glad it came in.
I'm all but out of all previous year's cards.

If anyone wants one of these all you need to do is e-mail me. That's the same offer I have on my main website. Of course, I WOULD RATHER have a few more people send me some fan pics in return for the card.
In case you've forgotten about my offer for FREE STUFF I'll link it here.

Let's take a look back at the Andy Martello Collection. All I'll put here are the fronts of the cards. The backs are quite hysterical though. If you want to really see them you'd better get off yer asses and take advantage of the FREE STUFF offer. LOL!

2002 Card2003 Card2004 Card

Saturday, March 12, 2005

A Little Something for My Male Readers

Hommina, hommina, hommina! I don't know if this lady existed before the dawn of the internet or if her modeling fame came about as a result of the internet. Regardless, I have made no secret of the fact that Veronica Zemanova is HIGH on my list of women that stop me dead in my tracks.

Until she does something to remove herself from the list, she will always be on the very short list of women that make me say, "I'd suck a fart out of her ass."

Clothing or no clothing. In color or in black & white. There is absolutely no way that this woman doesn't make me shudder with absolute delight whenever someone is kind enough to post a photo of her online.

Speaking of black & white photos of a naked Veronica being posted online, I thought I'd direct you to a lovely gallery of beautiful photos brought to you by the mighty Attu. I can always count on him for some great content, odd stories, and photos of ladies like Veronica Zemanova. So head on out there guys! Be sure to save some room on your, uh...hard drive for these pictures.

Naturally, I assume every woman reading this that is NOT Veronica is considering me to be a simple and very typical male. There are probably some rather rude comments being made about Veronica and me all without my knowing and that's just fine with me. If any of you would like to compete for my attention or even battle Veronica in a mud-wrestling match with me as the celebrity judge, you don't need my permission. Until then, I drool and drag my Jergen's Hand Cream-covered knuckles all the way to the bathroom thinking of a very curvaceous and naked Veronica Zemanova.

But I am NOT your typical male, contrary to popular belief. It is for this reason that I have decided to show you that I am not all about beautiful naked women and sex. Therefore I also add to this post a little something for my female readers.


Friday, March 11, 2005

The Final Chapter in My Auto Saga

Best Car EVER! In January of 1999 I found out my 89 Plymouth Grand Voyager needed a new engine block. I guess some things aill always be true, such as the old addage, "Burning motor oil & blue smoke are never good things in a car".

I bought that car while on the road with a circus because my previous "disposable car", a 1985 Dodge Caravan, a car also plagued with oil problems, exploded on the highway. I had to get to the next gig and finish the tour and I found a single owner car, the Grand Voyager.

I paid $2500 for that car and I thought I'd have it for much longer than the 6 months or so I actually got to drive the thing. I was devastated. I had no money for a new car and didn't even have any cash for a disposable car. I was fooked!

On January 22, 1999 it was decidedly snowy and awful outside and that felt like the best time for me to look for a car. On a foolish whim I went car shopping to see what was available. I'd pretty much decided I was going to need long-term reliability and stop my cycle of crappy cars. I'd owned nothing but cars that I could scrap in a hurry and I'd never once in my life gotten rid of a car without NEEDING to get rid of it due to massive system failure.

I found this 1996 Ford Taurus, a program car, with 32,000 miles on it. My dad had owned one of the earliest models of the car and the damned thing is still on the road to this day. Back then it seemed like a great idea to get this car.

I got some cash together on my own and got some money from my mother. What I could scrape together along with the "$2000 for ANY trade-in" offer gave me a down payment of $3500.00. That got things in motion.

I had horrible credit (still do) and though there'd be no way I was going to get this car. However as long as there's high interest rates and a blizzard falling to the ground, ANYTHING was possible. The car would be mine should I decide to take it home.

What ultimately sold me on the car was sage wisdom from my older brother, the cash from my mother, and the salesman's willingness to buy me some Lou Malnati's pizza (the BEST pizza in Chicago or anywhere on Earth) for lunch while I mulled it over. Before too long, my panicking about making payments was gone and I was driving home in the Taurus.

I worked my ass off to get more gigs BECAUSE of the car. I traveled everywhere in that car to go to gigs. Had there not been a few monetary emergencies along the way I'd have had it paid off in 3 years. Regardless, that car made me work harder and I did in fact get more work & never made a late payment. It was paid in full on October 29, 2004, a little earlier than Ford expected.

This car was the best car I'd ever owned. Aside from a few repairs, mostly regular maintenance, it had NEVER failed me. There were a few times I had to be towed home, but when I HAD to be somewhere I made the trip in comfort and safety.

As an example of its reliability, the car's original factory alternator did not need replacing until the 155,000 mile marker. The damn thing still turned when I took it out! I was on the road in Ohio and didn't want to chance it failing along the way. I even joked with the mechanic when he told me the thing needed replacing. "What?! MOTHER-FUCKER! You drive a car 155,000 miles and you expect to get a few miles down the road on an alternator!" We all marveled at the car's resolve.

I drove that car thousands of miles, ending its run with me at the 180, 366 mile marker. The last few years I'd taken to renting cars for the longer trips to avoid the headaches associated with repairs away from home.

Old & New Meeting at LastI changed the oil religiously, gave it regular tune-ups & transmission or radiator flushes, and made sure it always had good tires. In the last few days with me it developed some electrical quirks and needed front brakes. If I'd have fixed the few things wrong with it I'd still be driving it today and would likely get another 50,000 miles on the darned thing. It told me before my Duluth trip that it was time to retire.

When I returned from Duluth I took the money I'd earned that week and bought a new car.

Today, I sold my old red Ford Taurus. Not owing me a darned thing, my car served me one last time and provided enough money for me to make my first car payment and then some.

I'm absolutely in tears as I write this post. Without reseserve, I love that car!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I Forgot...

I was going to title yesterday's post with another Beatles song for continuity's sake.

Would have been really slick and hip of me to go ahead and say, "Got to admit it's getting better. A little better all the time. It couldn't get much worse."

Sadly, I was too into the story and the photos.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Starting to Cheer Up a Bit

Well, April certainly helped! WOO-HOO!

Otherwise here are a few things that helped ease me into a somewhat better head space late into the evening.

While going through some old photos and what-nots I found this cartoon drawn for me by someone who watched my show.

It was the coolest thing! I finished doing a little comedy nonsense and this sweet older man, alongside his wife, walked up to me with this drawing.

He had lots of cool comments and all that, but nothing seemed cooler to me than the fact that he felt compelled to draw this sketch and present me with an impromptu thank you card. Reminded me of some of the reasons why I put myself through this nonsense.

In other "Made Me Smile" news, GolfWidow posted a comment & link to the old blog earlier and I had to share with the rest of the class. This was in response to my diatribe about hating those ribbon magnets. She had this on her site for some time. Speaking of her site, check it out. I LOVE the artwork of her site. Big Monte Python fan, here!

Now THAT's funny. I'd actually put that magnet on my car!

Lastly, tomorrow has me working for a living and working towards a better living, all in the same day. After a gig (one where I managed to get them to pay day-of instead of net-30 ... YESSSSS!) I head on out to Durty Nellie's and continue to work out all the agonizing and extremely fun details of our Vegas Brothers show.

We're hoping to make Wednesday nights our regular gig and that place just ROCKS! It is one of the best stages around and when the place is packed it is HOPPING! I'd love to see a big crowd there tomorrow night.

I sent out a bunch of e-mail to get people to go, but truthfully, friends never really turn out to support a show if you're a comedian. They come out once in awhile, but for the most part they almost never show up. They REALLY want to come to the show if you're opening for George Carlin or something equally cool, but that's just so they don't have to pay. When it is you, they don't show.

I don't mind. I'd feel better charging a cover for people I don't know. I just wish so many people would stop asking me why I never tell them about my shows. I don't tell them because they never show up. I mean, really, I did a show at a venue that was THREE BLOCKS AWAY from a very good friend of mine. She stayed home. She didn't even have another engagement or anything. She just stayed home. This happens more often than not.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Until you're famous and people can exploit you somehow or go out of their way to re-friend you and "keep you grounded" these things are the norm. They don't read my columns either. Hell, another friend of mine, one who'd read a rough draft of a column prior to printing, would not go read the finished product until I prodded her. After she trudged on over to the site and read it she said, "You didn't tell me you added PICTURES!" Like the piece was crap without the visual add-ons.

Anyway, I'm hoping for a good turnout and I'm looking forward to bigger and better things from The Vegas Brothers in the future.

Thanks to everyone for all the kind words, e-mails, and messages. With hope, things will get better sooner rather than later.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Why Didn't The Beatles Write a Song Called "I'm So Tense"?

I'd reprint those lyrics this time.

This has been one bitch of a day. I was reminded of Jessica's Roller Coaster post. Up, down, happy, sad, confused, clear-headed, pleasant surprises, horrible surprises, frustrated, calm, frustrated some more, frustrated again, FUCKING FRUSTRATED!

What can I say? My shit-storms are never little piles of crap dropping from the sky every once in awhile. They're more often than not, Ex-Lax-powered, vicious bursts of splatting foul all falling down upon me in one period of a few consecutive weeks.

I can't even get into it all here. Many of the people going out of their way to (knowingly or unknowingly) to get me all worked up read this blog.

I'm one giant ball of angst, frustration, and tension. I doubt that even an early Steak & BJ Day could clear my head at this point. Not that one would happen anyways. FRUSTRATING!

Really, after a non-stop day filled with heaping doses of the agony and the ecstasy (easy on the ecstasy) about all that could come close to getting it all out would be about six shots of Yukon Jack (MMMmmm...Yukon Jack!), a bar fight at a biker bar (complete with broken pool cues and Thorogood music), and a long night at a whore house with enough cash for me to burn through all the ladies Andy Kaufman style.

Even then I doubt I'd be any less T-E-N-S-E! It would just be fun to find out.

At least one line from the last Beatles song I posted about applies.

"I'd give you everything I've got for a little
peace of mind!"

Sunday, March 06, 2005

FINALLY! Two Causes I Can Support!

I absolutely loathe those stupid ribbon magnets festooning so many cars on the road these days. They are pathetic attempts to ease one's troubled mind and do something without actually doing anything.

If you have one of those magnets on your car for ANY reason or cause, I mock you. I don't care if you actually have a family member in Iraq, are a breast cancer survivor, wear argyle fucking socks, they're stupid eyesores and you're pathetic for buying one.
If you want to support the troops, then get YOUR President to stop sending them into harm's way and START giving the heroes of our country the benefits they deserve when they come home. A stupid magnet (Made in China) will not do a damned thing!

They are even more annoying than the stickers boasting about your supposed honor roll student. These ridiculous magnets are the "Baby on Board" signs of this generation and they need to GO!

Luckily my friend Kellie sent me an e-mail about a guy who hates them as much as I do and I am here to support his cause. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the AntiMagnet website!

Fan-fucking-tastic! I wish I'd have thought of it. Well actually I did have an idea I sent to the guys at Fu-Qtoo where the shirt would feature a drawing of a ribbon that read, "Save the Ribbons" but nothing ever came of that. Anyway, check out this guy's very funny site and be sure to link up and help support his cause. If you don't then you're simply unAmerican!

Moving on...

Anyone who has read my so-called writing (both of you) will know that I get my undies in a bunch at all of the holidays that basically cater to women. I've written many a piece about Valentine's Day and one helluva great work about Father's Day (which is really a holiday for women). Well, someone else feels the same way I do and has come up with a holiday that REALLY is for men. What man would refuse Steak & BJ Day?

Yes, I'll send you to that site, but do I really need to explain this one? It is quite simple. On March 14th of EVERY YEAR FOR ALL TIME GODDAMMIT the overly-catered woman will treat their hard-working and clearly under-appreciated man to a steak dinner and a start-to-finish blow job. No questions. No cards. NO HEADACHES! Head on over to the site to learn more.

I, of course, will not get to enjoy Steak & BJ Day. I can pretty much expect that I'll see a Cubs World Series victory sooner. Ahhh marriage. Is there anything it can't ruin?

I Never Got a Photo

Having never met Marjo Moore in person I cannot say anything about how she looks in her skin. I assume she's about 3 feet tall and has horns & warts, but that's because she's never sent me a photo. However, I can say that her blog looks GREAT in a new skin. Don't believe me? Well check it out!

I shouldn't have had to hear about this from Bud. I should have been told directly by the Bitch, since we're penguin buddies and all. As it happens, she has a new photo blog. It has many beautiful and fun photos of her paradise life in Hawaii. She has a great eye! She may have two of them, but I've no idea since she has never sent me a photo. Hawaii is also known as "America's Superfluous Nipple", but you'd never know that without visiting the GlassHoppah blog.

Now I've never been fortunate enough to get a photo from this lady either, even though she CLAIMS she's working on a fan pic for my site (and really isn't). However I have gotten to see much more of the uberBitch than I'd ever hoped thanks to her rather naughty nature and fantasmagorically hot bod. Soon there will be many fine photos of her in a new bikini. Until then, check out the many fine cleavage and stocking photos she uses to tease us poor simple men. She'll think I'm kidding about this but I'm much more interested in seeing what Naomi's face looks like. All we ever get are the pouty lips (working it for the camera) and her hair covering all the parts I'd have to look at most if she were looking back. But I don't mind all the boob, legs, and ass shots I guess. ;)

One more lady that has never sent me a photo is Jessica. However she need not concern herself with such things because there are PLENTY of photos of her rather fetching and scantily clad self on her blog, Painting Jessica.

When I first told people there was something for everyone at her blog I am quite sure you all thought I meant, "There's erotic literature and naked photos of Jessica". Well yeah, that's all there, but if you weren't such a fucking pervert (or assuming I'm one) you'd have seen this week...

  • Great photos of Philadelphia
  • Beautiful artwork and photos
  • Stories about dealing with her mother's failing health
  • A recipe for cherry pie (the food, not THE Cherry Pie)
  • Baseball & Peanuts characters

So please check out her thought-provoking and beautiful blog and actually experience the things being shared with us. There's plenty of time to fantasize about Jessica later. I usually do that myself around 11:30 AM and 4:30 PM, with an occasional encore performance at 1:00 AM.

Wouldn't it suck if Jessica were a man and pulling a massive internet hoax on us all? Ah hell, I'd get over it...I'm lonely!

Who Wouldn't Wanna Watch The Vegas Brothers?

Photo By Caysie Cannon (Rosie Vegas)

Now THAT'S a Poster!

Front Row (L to R): Shecky Vegas, Bobby Vegas, & Sonny Vegas

The Fabulous Vegas Brothers Revue
Swingin' Into Durty Nellie's in Palatine
Wednesday March 9, 2005 @ 8:00 PM







Come on out, fire up a stogie, and drink a martini.
There's nuthin' like it anywhere else, baby!

What Las Vegas Would Be Like if They Had No Cash!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Hard Not to Smile When Penguins Are Playing in Hawaii

Penguins Yearning for the BeachA brief smile washed over my overly-hardened face when I read the latest post at Bitchitude. Check it out and see how damned cute my FREE STUFF is when it is not in my home.

I'm glad I could make someone else smile. That's about all I'm good for these days I guess. You should see me on stage when I'm angry and depressed. Some of my best work happens then. This was just a parlor trick from across the pond. Imagine how funny I'd be in person. LOL!

Also, see how cute it is when a friend does a little whoring on my behalf. I am quite sure I won't get any new business because of the effort, but I certainly appreciate it more than you'd know.

Penguin Getting Some WeedPlease, help her with her homework before she learns how to juggle. I mean really, it could take months otherwise.

Date Your Daughter at and...Oh Yeah, Goodbye!

Paul has graciously decided to reprint my article, Date Your Daughter! It's All the Rage! at his fine site. If for some strange reason you've missed this one, you can check it out right there. That's the good news.

The bad news?

I'm likely going to be taking a little time-out from the writing game. I'm quickly going broke and may have to sell everything I own just to stay afloat. Lousy economy, the NEED to buy a car when I did, the impending ass-raping from the Gub-mint (my audit), gigs falling at the wrong time for me to get bills paid - it is all catching up to me and old Andy is going down in flames.

Things are always slow this time of year in my biz, but it hasn't been this bad in over 15 years. Thank you, Red States, for our economy. You sure backed the "right" horse.

What really frosts my nuts in this case is that with the spending, marketing, gigging, etc. I've done everything right. I had to get the car and nothing short of fate drew me to THIS CAR. The timing, price, & everything was all right. Had I not taken the cash from the Duluth trip and put it on a car when I did, I surely wouldn't have gotten a car this year and certainly not the right car at the right price. But then I'd have no worries right now and could wait for the gigs and paychecks to carry me through. So I find myself doing all of the right things (a rarity in my life) and realizing that they aren't helping!

By the way, I'm not saying there's anything really to worry about with the audit. That's just what they do there. They ass-raped me last time and they'll likely do it again. No anger or malice. I understand that's their job. The only difference is that this time I won't/don't have the money to pay whatever fee they come up with, much less pay my accountant!

So...things that don't pay me anything ( like my so-called writing career) are going to have to go on the back burner. I'm already not getting paid to be an entertainer, comedian, and producer. Getting The Vegas Brothers show up and running, ready for corporate bookings, creating press kits and the like is one more (currently) unpaid thing. It is still in the labor of love stage and since the light at the end of the tunnel is coming much sooner with the Brothers than with my writing, having one more free gig on the list is just a bit too embarrassing to live with. Look for "Classic Andy" articles to be hitting the pages of Malicious Bitch while I head out to the temp agencies. I wonder if I still own a necktie that isn't sequined.

Assuming I don't sell the computer I'll still be blogging The blog increases my web presence immensely, brings my name up in the searches more often, etc. so that still has merit. Plus it is quite fun! Since I get to have very little fun these days, I'll hold on to the one this I do have. Besides, you blog friends are quite honestly the only friends I have. So why screw up a good thing?

That being said I'm sure you'll see about 10 new posts from me today. Lord knows I don't want to clean the apartment!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

To Put Things in Perspective

In case you didn't head to the informative capybara site I linked yesterday I thought I'd post a pic from their site.

Here is how big these critters get when fully grown. I'll leave it to you to do all the homework and get all the stats about size and weight (except Bitchitude...she wants YOU to do her homework!).

The stuff I will tell you...HUGE paws with LONG, scary claws (Just look at the size of the baby's claws in yesterday's post!). Fuzzy & soft nose, but coarse, wiry hair otherwise. Big teeth that you discover while petting the fuzzy & soft nose. Adorable at any size.

I hope this will better describe why I was so pleased to see a baby one & pick him up.

If not, well then you can all just fuck right off!


Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Some Photos from a Gig

One HOT Man! In my half-assed attempt to clean my horror of a desk I came across a couple of photos taken at a booking some time back. This one supposedly made it into a newspaper. Of course, call the paper to get a back issue or a tear sheet and you're lucky if you get anything. No idea how I got the photo!

Anyway, this is a decent action shot of me eating fire to the delight of tens of people.

This little fest was particularly memorable for me because not only did I get to perform somewhere and enjoy my life (I threw that enjoying my life part in for Doyle) but...

MMMmmm, Capybara!

...I got to hold a BABY CAPYBARA!

One of the other on-site attractions was a petting zoo from Amazing Animals by Samantha. She has provided animals for TV and film as well as for educational venues.

This day she had a baby capybara with her. I seem to recall that it was only a few weeks old.

April & I have been seeing these creatures pop up at zoos across the country and I was freaking out at the chance to not only see a baby one, but to pet and hold one.

Capybaras are the world's largest rodent and aside from their rather funny appearance, are pretty darned cool creatures. At this size they are adorable.

Speaking of stupid looking creatures, what the hell was up with my hair? What the hell kind of follicle disaster is that? I must have just finished a show and was oddly tussled. I know I didn't head out into the world looking like that!

I can't complain much about my life or my job I suppose. On days where I get to do something I'd never done before nor will I soon forget, I am usually a pretty happy guy.