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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

More Waiting

I'm waiting to be in a position to quit my job.

I'm waiting to be able to tell you, officially about the act I've been working with for over a year now.

I'm waiting for some great gigs and opportunities to come in.

I'm waiting to tell you about those great upcoming gigs and opportunities.

I'm waiting for some packages filled with some goodies I really want.

I'm waiting for Wednesday's work day to be over so I can go out of town.

I'm waiting for my 39th birthday (on Saturday...did you get me anything?).

I'm waiting for my full system scan to finish.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

A Golden Age for Ugly Fashion

What the hell is WRONG with you damned women? Seriously. Are you LOOKING at what you buy before you buy it? Do you even try it on first?

At the Venetian Hotel, where I spend FAR too much time every week, I see some very HOT women going out of their way to look totally fucking ridiculous all in the name of Fashion. Speaking as a guy who knows when someone looks good (looks good = boner, looks bad = comedian mercilessly making fun of you) I feel I must say something.

GOOD FUCKING LORD, there are some U-G-L-Y shoes and dresses being worn by the chicks who think they're so en vogue right now! I thought Ugg boots would have stopped you freaks from falling for ANY fashion in footwear. Apparently I was giving you FAR TOO MUCH CREDIT.
Case in point, has anyone realized that damn near any women's shoe right now looks like something an extra would wear in a Xena episode or some Ray Harryhausen-animated film? What's with all the thick, ugly straps? If I ain't at a rodeo or at a toga party I don't wanna see that much leather and I don't wanna see your ugly feet festooned in uglier footwear. Even the high-fashion slut-wear with the otherwise sexy heels are all fucked up with far too many straps and laces. What the heel is wrong with you?

Let's couple your simply DREADFUL fashion choices with those even WORSE, billowy, pseudo-sack-like, pleated, bag-dresses you are ALL wearing now. Damn I wish I knew what the fuck these awful sacks of estrogen are called! I'd post a fucking picture of them. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!

These dresses...they make you look fat. If not fat, definitely PREGNANT! Pregnant or fat, your ass looks GI-FUCKING-NORMOUS in this shit. Seriously. You look awful.

This golden age of shitacular clothing may be the ONLY time when asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?" I feel it is more than appropriate for ANY man to reply, "Yes. Fat or pregnant." Any other time, I personally would answer, "No. Your fat (or pregnancy) makes you look fat," but that's because I'm honest and don't care if I never get laid again. You can't handle the truth? Don't ask a comedian for the truth, fatty!

And while we're on the subject of what REALLY looks good, let me just say to ALL women out there, outside of some sort of high-quality bra, do not do ANYTHING to adorn, decorate, or otherwise enhance your breasts and cleavage.

No tattoos from the neck through the chest and down to the boobs. No surface piercings, and with the exception of very rare cases, NO nipple rings. The breasts are Nature's perfect food. They need no special treatment outside of general regular maintenance in the form of a good, supportive bra, coupled with a flattering outfit.

When you get a tattoo ANYWHERE near the breasts or cleavage you end up ruining the one thing (OK, the two things) that Mother Nature gave you to make ANY outfit perfect. You put a fucking butterfly tattoo in between your breasts, no matter how much you paid or how good the artists was, you look like you have a hairy, fucking chest! Place a tattoo on a tit and you take away from what may be you're best feature, personality not withstanding.

For those of you that are trying so hard to get out your, "women are more than their physical beauty...breats aren't important...I hate anything that makes us seem like playthings to you evil men...blah blah blah" arguments, you have NO PLACE in this conversation. You simply cannot comment about what makes a woman beautiful or look good. Just look at your shoes! What the fuck do you know? What? You going to roast marshmallows while Nero plays his concert or something? And man, does your ass look fat! Are you pregnant?

Decolletage, even when you got nothing to show off, is perfect. Simply perfect. Stop ruining perfection. You're pissing off EVERYONE with this. Straight men hate it. Lesbians hate it. Gay men hate it (Gay men all LOVE breasts as a fashion accessory if for no other reason.).

Speaking of gay men, these guys are NOT infallible when it comes to fashion. You REALLY need to stop listening to them all of the time whenever the next trendy outfit hits the runway. These are the guys who designed the truly hideous fashions that caused me to write this post. They also came up with the leisure suit, bell bottoms, and parachute pants. Need I say more?

Please, don't make this otherwise very heterosexual man comment about women's fashion again. We all know more about it than we'll ever let you believe. Why? because you will always ask us the really stupid questions about what you look good or bad in ALL THE TIME. We don't care f you look good. We only care if you look B-A-D. Ok, we also care if SHE looks better than YOU, but that's just how guys are. Besides, you truly only go for fashion choices AFTER they hit the stripper and porn markets anyway and generally, that's OK with us. Seriously, did ANY woman ever have a belly ring before they showed up in late 1980's porn? Um, NO!

Consider this a public service announcement. try dressing yourself once in awhile.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

After a long day at work & on 3 hours of sleep, I worked a gig 53 floors above Vegas. A paycheck, a killer view, & Playboy Bunnies. Not bad.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

TRULY important things "wiser people" NEVER tell you:

#1) Few things taste better nor are more refreshing than a cold beer in the shower.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

How the hell does my car's fuel door simply fall off? Moreover, why is it impossible to find a replacement part at major auto parts stores?

Monday, May 11, 2009

By the Way...

All this stuff about preventing the SWINE know, the washing your hands, the covering your mouth when coughing or sneezing, the staying home when you or your kids are sick...


Essentially, YOU are all disgusting, filthy people. if the government has to tell you things that you should already be doing AND should be making your kids do, then you really deserve to get sick.

YOU are the people I've always wondered about most. When I'm in a restaurant or other place of business, using the restroom, and I see a sign that reads "Employees MUST Wash Hands before returning to Work" I think three things...

1) Well DUH!
2) Shouldn't EVERYONE do this regardless of if we work here?
3) Why do we need a sign for this anyway? (See above reasons)

I know, not all guys wash their hands after a wee. Probably because A) we don't tend to piss on our hands and B) some guys are so homophobic they can't touch their own cocks, even in a restroom (seriously, those guys who undo their pants and their hands go up onto the wall as if they're being frisked by the cops...those are total homophobes). But really, all the "safety protocols" the government has been issuing are all things you & your kids should be doing already.

Don't even pretend that YOU'RE KIDS are not the problem, either. Being a no kids kind of guy I get to explain that one reason I will never have them is because NONE of the kids I've seen in 25 years of performing for them at schools actually are clean enough or well-mannered enough to trust with something as simple as covering their mouths when coughing or sneezing. I can't trust that your germ factories won't kill my clean kids. I don't know what you "parents" are doing, but it has nothing to do with hygiene or at the absolute least, Kleenex.

So now that the SWINE FLU is somewhat "yesterday's news", but may become relevant again when it mutates by the next flu season, I simply state again...


Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Cinco de Mayo Redux (Or is it "Redone"?)

Hearkening back to a post in 2006, I now give you this little gem...

In honor of Mexican independence, I mowed my own lawn today.

OK, I made my guy mow it on Quatro de Mayo.

I'm kidding.

I don't have a lawn.