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Friday, March 30, 2007

Just a Few Satisfied Customers

Here's a pic that is featured in the 5-minute promo I'm working on.

Since I have nothing else to write, I thought I'd give you some of
that fun "behind the scenes" stuff.

Labels: ,

Thursday, March 29, 2007

A Quick Note About Being in a Darts League

A colossal waste of time!

Just finished the last of the regular season games in our league. There's some fucking blind draw tournament next week which I can't possibly see any logical reason to attend, but I still may go. I did promise to fulfill my obligations and all that, but really...I can sit around, drink beer, and not play darts for hours at a time at home. Paying to do it in a league (really, there's sometimes two fucking hours in between times when you get to play) makes no sense.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Working on Getting More Work

Been working on that 5 minute general promo video today. I'm reminded that I don't have nearly as much "spectacle" as I need for a whiz-bang video. However, I'm pretty crafty. I can make what I have work well enough until I get some of the new props and tweaks to the act on tape.

Still and all, editing video takes a lot of time.

So does putting together a podcast. If for no other reason you should take a listen to Podcrapular, subscribe, and encourage others to do the same. It is free after all so all you've got invested is the time it takes to hear one funny damn show.

Monday, March 26, 2007

I've Got Nothing to Say to You People

Sunday, March 25, 2007

How Do I Know My Wife Loves Me?

She bought me a present!

I know. I'm far too cool for all of you.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Two Shows You Should Hear

Naturally, you should ALWAYS make a point to take a listen to the weekly podcast, Podcrapular. Why? DUH! It's a show starring the MIGHTY Golfwidow and yours truly. It's always damn funny and it's always available to stream, to download, to hear on iTunes - IT IS AVAILABLE!

A crafty person could simply click and listen right here. ;)

Also, I have to give a little free promo to my good friend, Kelly Williams. He used to have an Internet-only radio show, which I mentioned some time ago. Well he's long since moved on from that little place and is now on one of the longest-running radio stations in Chicago, the urban-themed WVON (AM 1690 in Chicago).

I make mention of his show because it used to be him and some other dude. Now it's all Kelly Williams, baby! WVON streams in Real Player 24/7/365, but Kelly's show, Kelly Williams Overnight, is only available Saturday nights from 10:00 PM to Midnight (CST) . You can even call in and join the issue-based talk show at 773-591-1690.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Bill Maher, Please Read This!

OK, you really need to read THIS!

He talked about the church-sponsored "Purity Balls" on Real Time last night. Purity Balls are just one slight step beyond the Daddy/Daughter Dances in that there is an actual ring ceremony, eating of cake, and some sort of virginity pledge.

Mr. Maher, I am hopeful you will take a look at my modestly controversial column, "Date your Daughter! It's All the Rage!".

I'd send this to him myself, but I can't seem to find a contact section at the HBO site nor at his official site. It is late so I may have missed it and I am not altogether certain I feel like registering to leave a message at the message boards. Why? Because I've no doubt that he'll never read my blog anyway and needed content. However if someone out there find the ways to alert Bill Maher of my column, the definitive work on the Daddy/Daughter dance, I'd sure appreciate it if anyone would do some of that Internet buzz thing on my behalf. Hint, Hint!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Can You Believe This Shit?

More to the point, can you understand any of it?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Even Now He STILL Has (Had) a Better Career Than I Do.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Saw a Baby Humboldt Penguin Today

April and I went to the Brookfield Zoo for some much needed fun & frolic. Today was the day where she had to have her old, dead car towed away for good and she was rather traumatized. So what better way to wash away the sadness than visiting some fuzzy critters?

Naturally I didn't bring my digital camera with me as we go to this zoo all the time. So it follows that whenever April gets her film developed I'll have a photo or two of the baby Humboldt Penguin we saw today.

It was quite a surprise to see the fluffy bird. We're members at this zoo and didn't recall hearing any birth announcement in our regular newsletter. No problem though. I like surprises like that!

We also looked at a prospective apartment. It's not exactly the lap of luxury, but if all works out and I can get April on board we can end up with about 300 more square feet, bigger closets, and a move that's only about 3 miles from where we currently reside.

Of course I still have to do some more looking as we need to compare and contrast. Plus, we don't really have the cash to apply anywhere right now. I'm also finding out that they're all much more happy to talk to me if they think I'll be moving in right away rather than June or July 1st. Ah well, at least we're finding a few places that might work.

Monday, March 19, 2007

It's a Coming.

Since the whole Easter season is upon us, that also means we have to put up with all that Lent crap.

Since I believe not in Lent nor silly eating restrictions I thought it only appropriate to post something I wrote for the blog. This piece, "All We Like Sheep: Ash Wednesday", was well received then and it deserves to be well received now. By posting it early, you can start one of those killer viral web things by laughing your ass off at this and sending all your friends to read it, repost it, whatever.


Why not?

Here it is again...

All We Like Sheep: Ash Wednesday

Ash WednesdayIt is no secret that I am not a fan of organized religions. I understand that people need to feel that there is something bigger than themselves and take comfort in the God & Heaven concepts. I just think that the majority of the world's ills and corruptions have been brought to us by the letter "G" and too many folks lose sight of their rational brilliant brains and substitute blind faith for logic and reason.

Christianity is among the worst of the repeat offenders, especially these days. Don't even get me started on the hypocritical Catholics. This is all my opinion, mind you. Although I do have some "evidence" to support my claim - Ash Wednesday.

It is my belief that Catholicism and a few other denominations of Christianity are more about adversely controlling your life and issuing guilt as opposed to bringing you the miraculous enlightenment that comes from a divine being and an afterlife. Ash Wednesday is a perfect example. One look at this ridiculous event and you have to see that they are just fucking with you to see how much they can get away with.

Seriously, I read the Bible. I can recall no passage that reads, "Thou shall wear shit on your forehead all fucking day." I mean even in the original Latin there's no way to find a sentence that can even remotely be translated to mean that one.

Here's how I envision the original Ash Wednesday going down.

The Catholic church needed money, likely to start a war or murder someone special. The best way to solicit cash and loyalty from their flock has always been their tried and true weapons of choice; guilt, fear, & shame. I call it the Catholic Hat Trick. You push any or all of those on someone too afraid to think for themselves and you'll have the donations flowing and the masses growing in no time.

Ahh, but how to go about it this time?

One day, high on incense fumes and drunk from sacramental wine, three priests were laughing their asses off trying to come up with ways to fuck with us. Picture one of the many basement table scenes from "That 70's Show" only with funny robes, big hats, & Italian accents.

Before too long the priests were realizing that their private collection of porn had grown to an embarrassing number of volumes and they had to dispose of it before someone noticed and busted them. Being stoned as all get-out they were very paranoid.

Now I've no idea what their porn was like back then. I can only assume it involved an oil painting of one naked breast on one fat woman, painted by one of the Ninja Turtles. Today, of course they have multiple copies of magazines guaranteed to get a Priests hot. Hustler, Swank, Boy's Life - it's all there.

I digress.

Oh no I didn't!They saw their porn collection and had to get rid of it so, using the unclear thought that comes with stoner paranoia, set fire to the lot. It made quite a mess. It didn't help that once the fire was started, the drunk fuckers tossed on damn near anything that would burn. Robes, furniture, it all went on the fire. When they got around to tossing in the leftover palms from Palm Sunday things went south. See, the palms were still too fresh and wet and all they did was make more smoke and helped put out the fire, harshing their holy mellow.

However, it did give them THE idea that would change everything. Stuck with a pile of ashes they had to account for once sober, they promptly made up some bullshit story about God's word and to help prove their point, they stuck their fingers in the ashes and drew crosses on their foreheads. Well, one guy wrote, "Clapton is God" but that guy was still buzzed.

They presented their ashen foreheads to their public and explained that they must do the same or, like all Catholic punishments, would suffer an eternity in Purgatory and then an eternity in Hell for blah, blah, fucking blah.

But would the people fall for it? Of course they would. GOD TOLD THEM THEY HAD TO DO IT. O.K., some stoned priests told the flock that God told THEM they had to tell the congregation to do it, but logic and reason is all gone in religion ya know. The first Ash Wednesday found the priests covered in soot and the faithful kneeling before the altar hoping to be saved by the magic porno dust.

As each one received their messy faces and ran off, each priest was having a harder time concealing his hysteria. "They BOUGHT IT! Oh, shit! That's awesome! We should be able to parlay this into enough guilt-induced cash to fund the Corleone family one day!"

All power corrupts.

Priest #1: "Hey, my brother is a fish monger and he owes a lot of money to his bookie. Too many people eating meat to make up for the loss. Can we have 'God' tell these fools to only eat fish on Friday or something? They've already got a great Friday Night Fish Fry at the Forum, but this would surely increase profits for my brother. He'll pay us our tribute."


Priest #2: "Oh man, we should have these morons get into a darkened wooden box and tell us EVERY naughty thing they've ever done. We can get dirt on enough people that they'll never try to buck the church for fear of us spilling the beans. We'll make them chant some silly prayers over and over like asylum inmates. OH! Wait, make them pray for forgiveness, no -ATONEMENT- and , now this is the best part, we'll ask for another donation to the 'Poor Box'. We'll be eating steak at our poker games in no time!"

Priest #1: "Fish on Fridays!"

Priest #2: "Oh right. Fish on Fridays. Can we move our poker games to Thursdays? I hate fish."


Once the last of the congregation was gone and people were walking around the town covered in crap, the priests refined this a bit. They still gathered and burned porn. After all if they got caught with the porn they could claim that they were doing the right thing by destroying it. They retained leftover palms for a full year so they'd be good and dry (and they helped cover up all the porn in the closets nicely).

The REAL Ash WednesdayRealizing just how easy the people were to fool and control they decided to take it one step further.

Priest #3" "Next, let's tell them they can ONLY have sex in order to have kids! They'll NEVER fall for that."

Enjoy your Ash Wednesday. Oh wait, that's not the point. You're supposed to start suffering and depriving yourselves of cherished things for about a month. That must have been one more little caveat the stoned porn-loving men of God added on. Well, enjoy your pointless suffering.

By the way, you've got something on your forehead.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Second Wave of Promotion Has Begun

Well sort of.

I still don't have the second of three brochures printed, but I did get the second of three DVDs made.

These are the front and inside covers for the DVD. This particular DVD is not as in depth as my first one, the "general" DVD. Naturally the kick ass photos from last year's amazingly productive photo session look fantastic. I'm also working very hard to make everything match. The DVD layouts will match the brochures, and eventually the website will match the rest of it and so on. branding baby!

What's different about this DVD is that the clips are representations of "complete" acts and are of much longer clips. Where the general DVD features clips at the 30 seconds to 2 minutes time frame, this one has only 7 clips in total and most of those are 5 to seven minutes in total. They are also of a tad more recent footage.

Ultimately these may end up on my website, but for now the DVD serves a couple of purposes. For one, it provides the potential client a better and more complete view of my stage act. Most people don't have the time to watch a full 45-minute show, but if they like what they have seen in the first DVD, they can request to see more and still have some convenience when it comes to the amount of time spent watching footage. This DVD also doubles as my "comedy" sampler. I know that all my stuff is comedy-based, but I've told you before how difficult it is to get someone to see my act as a comedy act more than a juggling act, even though I am much funnier than I am anything else.

The next step is to create the Plate-Spinning Only DVD which will help push the act into the corporate training market even more. Yes, I know it would be even cooler to have just ONE DVD featuring everything. The thing is, they kind of already DO feature everything. The nature of this business forces me to state and restate the obvious in different and prettier packages to different people. Having the three DVDs and the three brochures also makes for a more impressive press package and provides me the opportunity to market a few times more during the year while giving the impression of new and exciting things coming from Andy Land.

OK, you got me. It also takes way more time to make the one massive DVD on my computer than it does to make the three smaller ones. The goal for next year is to put together the best of the best and mass produce one killer DVD for the comedy & variety markets and one specifically pushing the plate-spinning. Until then, making them as needed on my personal computer works fine for me.

I've already seen some positive interest in the act and good responses to the new promotional brochure. I've seen an increase in activity from my Gigmasters listing, which has all new photos and reflects my new, "A Comedian Who Happens to Juggle" approach. The first brochure, cover letter, and yes, my postage stamp, helped get some interest from Clean Comedians, a group I've always wanted to work with over the years. They responded to my website 7 years ago, but the follow-up materials didn't seem to impress them enough. This time they contacted me after receiving my first installment of new goodies and wanted to see more. This provided the motivation to finish this second DVD a little sooner than planned. Here's hoping the new marketing materials do their job even more!

So for those keeping score...

One of three brochures printed.
Two of three DVDs created.
New souvenir card printed.
Postage Stamps...a great find and a fun experiment. Damn they're cool.

Still missing...

New website.
5 minute overview of my main act and my comedy act.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Hungry for a Podcast?

Listen to this week's Podcrapular. We talk far too much about comfort foods and what I like to call fetish foods (Krispy Kreme, Yoo-Hoo, etc.).

In yet another lame attempt to get the people to listen, interact, and even encourage others to listen to the show, we spend a lot of time trash-talking foods that inspire an obsessive love in people (those fetish foods). Well, I trash talk some of those foods.

I pull out the big guns like Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Yoo-Hoo, Mallomars, Nathan's Hot Dogs - you know, the foods that inspire people go go bat-shit crazy over. The foods that some people cross thousands of miles to eat. The foods that get written into movie scripts because so many will feel a cosmic connection.

Golfwidow? She pulls out Chef Boyardee and Kraft Dinners.


Are there really people out there who are obsessed with Chef Boyardee and Kraft Mac & Cheese? No way. She must be high, right? I know she was on pain killers when we recorded the show so certainly her mind must have confused "Kraft Dinners" (not a fetish food) for "White Castle Hamburgers" (a TOTAL fetish food).

I was waiting for my partner to chime in with an argument about store bought vs. home made ice cubes next.

I always leave room for me to be completely wrong about any subject. It does happen far too often for me to truly believe. So I welcome comments and other discussion about favorite comfort & fetish foods from my readers, and our listeners. Here are a few places to leave your thoughts.

Leave a VX Mail or fax by calling 206-350-3352.
Record a comment at
Leave a text comment at the above Podomatic address.

Leave a comment at our MySpace Page.
E-mail us at
You can also leave a comment at this blog or at
Golfwidow's blog.

Of course, within the confines of this week's show there is one thing I will not concede defeat to with regard to food. Be sure to listen to the ridiculous story of how they prepare & deliver pizza in Idaho and get back to me. I'd relay the story here, but really, I'm doing everything I can to get people to listen to the show. Teasing you is among the ways I will achieve this goal.

Friday, March 16, 2007

St. Pat's

I've always thought that the, "Everybody is Irish on St. Patty's Day" thing was total bullshit.
Everybody isn't black on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
I'm no more Jewish during Hannukah than any other day of the year.
I'm not gay on Oscar Night.


Thursday, March 15, 2007

I'm Tasty!

Check out this photo taken at a show I did for the
SciTech Hands-On Museum in Aurora. Nice!

I also like it because it reinforces the anonymous comment someone left for me awhile back stating that he or she was surprised to hear me on the podcast talk myself down, only to come here and find out how "tasty" I am. WOO-HOO!

Here's a screen shot from their calendar of events, providing further proof that I actually did get work this year. :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

With All the Car Drama Going On, I Forgot...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Long Road Home

It has been a rather tense and emotional few days around here. April's car broke down and ultimately died for good on Saturday. Of course we didn't really get the full diagnosis until today, her day off.

Her car was 14 years old, twelve of those years found the car in her possession. Her 1993 Dodge Shadow has been an amazing little car. A real trooper in every respect. It had been giving little signs of illness and hinting at its own demise for some time now, but the repairs were all in that acceptable price range to keep it going. This time the car told her definitively that it was done.

Aside from me having a gig to attend at the beginning of the day (leaving April to worry even more about the prospect of getting a new car) there were things like figuring out what to do with the old car, cleaning out the car, and the dreaded shopping for a new car.

Most people have the luxury of being able to shop around and look for a car. April and I have few luxuries in life and the casual and thorough search for a new vehicle may never be on the list of those luxuries we do enjoy. She needed a car right away and had a few options based upon price, time to look, and so on.

Ultimately she ended up getting a brand new Chevy Aveo which is way cool and much fancier than my own. Our mechanic recommended a dealer where he has a good friend who truly did give us the family discount in every respect. However, it wasn't just the limited availability of funds and rather narrow search criteria that led us to her particular car. One thing that made a huge difference was the test drive.

April has never bought a car of her own really. She has also never test-driven a car before buying it, which I found somewhat amazing given the fact that she has had a few cars , but not many before. On her first test drive, she was learning that her car of choice would be more than suitable. She'd even dialed up a good rock station on the radio to see if she'd get some good tunes sent by the Fates to aid in her drive and her decision. At a stop sign we sat and chatted about her opinions of the car. Then the Fates spoke aloud.

"Ba-da ba, ba-da.....BA!"

The familiar ring of one of my all-time favorite songs (and a song April knows best to enjoy in tandem with me if she expects to stay married to me) burst through the speakers. The never boring, always rockin' Ides of march tune, "Vehicle", echoed throughout the cabin and we couldn't stop laughing.

"I'm your vehicle, baby! I'll take you anywhere you wanna go"

I know it wasn't really why she ultimately told the salesman to start in with the paperwork. In my mind there was no way we were going to leave the lot without that car.

She's mighty happy, but very tired and emotionally drained right now. I'm just glad she'll be safe on the road for a long time ahead.

Now I just have to hope my car, approaching the end of its warranty, doesn't start in with the slow hints. I don't have the cash to buy another car, but I do have to be in Milwaukee this evening.

Happy Steak & BJ Day to all!

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Penguins Are Gone!

The "Free Stuff"ed penguins I've been giving away in the frequently interesting and often frustrating Free Stuff post are currently out of stock. Cosmicrayola cleaned out the penguin house. :)

I'm busy looking for a new penguin substitute. I may go for a silly inflatable penguin, but it all depends upon what I can find and afford.

For now, any fan pics will be awarded with cards, CDs and whatever else I can find.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Fun With Fan Pics

I love my Penguini Posse. Sure, I've been out of actual Penguinis for some time now. That doesn't change the fact that I have penguin items and other fun trinkets to send out to anyone willing to make a fan sign for me.

In a recent episode of Podcrapular (Latest episode up and running right now) we discussed the woes and difficulties involved with me trying to give away Free Stuff. It seems that some people can't get past my rather humorous plea for pics of chicks in skimpy outfits or simply showing some BOOBAGE. Others can't seem to figure out what the hell a fan sign or a fan pic really is, even though I offer up many examples. Still there are folks who just don't understand that you don't get the penguins if you don't do the picture and linky love thing as adequately explained in the instructions.

I have had a few folks send me some cool photos, but they were not technically fan pics so, scantily clad or not, I don't share with the class.

In response to this discussion, the very funny and gifted writer, known to the blog world as Cosmicrayola, decided to share with me not one but TWO fan pics. She even made two separate posts linking back to me with one pic per page.

At first I was thinking she was among those who was all too fixated on the breast/cleavage thing (which I've stated many times is not really necessary, but always appreciated). She seemed more than ready to send me a boo photo in exchange for some penguiny goodness. She's also a grandmother and who knows what to expect with all this in play?

The first photo in this post is actually the second photo she sent me. She even explained perfectly in her blog that the boobs aren't necessary as well as making a good case for hiring me. She rocks.

I said that the first pic you've seen was actually her second pic.

The first one she sent me...

...Her BOOBS!

This woman not only kicks major ass, but has a wicked sense of humor! She's getting an extra special package for this one!

Check her out and enjoy a good read. You can also buy a copy of her book while you're at it.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Political Penguins

I won't reprint. I'd rather send you there to fully enjoy this one.

Thanks to Eric.

Friday, March 09, 2007

How Cool Are YOU?

Ever wonder how cool you have become (or how much "cool" you've lost) since high school?

Well thanks to the millions of people with too much free time online, there is now a test that will give you the definitive answer.

Click Here to see how cool you you are or are not since graduating high school.

Thanks, Kellie for sending this to me and everyone in your address book.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I Can't Find Anything Wrong with this Video

Seems like the PERFECT video to me.

Thanks to Gordon, who sent it to me, simply
because he feltI would see the beauty of it all.

Gordon is a very smart man.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Another Animated Penguin Movie?

Got this link from Eric.

I post this only because I want to be the first person to take note when a penguin has jumped the shark. It may not have happened yet, but if this film is the one that does I find that, while I hate the phrase, "jumped the shark", I find it amusing to think of a penguin actually jumping one.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I Could Use a Bit of Luck

Been screwed out of two paychecks coming in the timely manner I was promised and this couldn't happen at a worse time. Well I suppose it could, but for now it is a very inconvenient time.

I'll get paid. I'm not all that worried about that. I just needed this cash yesterday if not the day before.

Along with the impending move (the hard target search for the new Martello pad has begun) and my tax appointment today (where I expect to hear I owe considerably more than I can afford to pay) I've been getting a bit on the anxious, nervous, and panicky side. The usual stuff...fear of being a failure forever, bankruptcy, legal woes...nothing new.

All that and our pet fish has taken the better part of a day to die. He seems to have a swim bladder illness and generally those don't mean good things for tiny fish. We sequestered him to a separate tank and did what we could to try to improve his condition, expecting he'd pass while we were out running errands. Instead, he's been more than hanging on and was alive when we got back and is STILL alive at the time of this writing. No, he hasn't gotten any better. he's simply prolonging the agony and encouraging us to try far too many things to bring him back from the brink.

I'm losing it. A few good thoughts and some positive mojo would sure help.

Monday, March 05, 2007

"Ladieleh Moyleh Brayah" by Lazar Malko(Feat Reggae Artist Zen and a Certain Fire

You may recall that last year I was part of a music video shoot for what has to be the world's only half-Assyrian language/half-Reggae pop/rap song. If you don't remember any of that or simply want to refresh your memory you can certainly click this link and get all caught up.

Well kids, it has been some time, but finally the video is up SOMEWHERE for you to watch. Thank Heaven for YouTube. Of course, now that it is on YouTube that means it can also be seen right HERE!

So, enjoy...

"Ladieleh Moyleh Brayah"
By Lazar Malko (Feat Reggae Artist Zen)

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Trivial Serendipity

Tonight my wife found out that former Twin Peaks actress (and frequent fantasy of mine, even today) Sherilyn Fenn is the niece of former Tuscadero, Suzi Quatro.

Trivia like that only comes around once in a lifetime. I did the happy dance!

Of course, if you like useless information like that, then you'll love my Google "How To Tip of the Day".

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Stamp THIS!

According to the latest episode of Podrapular (Available for streaming or downloading right now), if you call our audio comment line at 206-350-3352 and leave us a voice mail, not only will we play your message on the air, I will send you an Andy Martello collector's card in an envelope Andy Martello stamp.

If only I could find a way to beg for even more attention or possibly appear more in need of love and approval. Until that happens, this will have to do.

You would, of course, be obligated to disclose a valid snail mail address at some point, or these hot commodities are gonna get mailed elsewhere (OR NOT AT ALL!). But we don't want your address on the air - you can email it to

What should you say in your voice mail message? Damn near anything will be played.

  • You can just say hello or tell us about the minutiae of your day.
  • You could tell us a joke or create a punchline to our Paris Hilton joke ("Paris Hilton walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have a burning sensation in my pussy," and the doctor replies...[insert punch line here]").
  • You could read us your very own SPAM SPEAK poem (string together the non-sequitor subject lines from your SPAM e-mails and read them as if they were poetry).

Click here to get your own player.

Anything works for us. Just call us and play along if you'd like to do so. As with all these silly offers, this is one of those "While Supplies Last" kind of things. I paid good money for these and I really SHOULDN'T waste them by not sending them to potential clients or agents. They are cool enough, however, to use them as bait for some more participation in our fun little show.

Friday, March 02, 2007

First the Trading Card Collectors. Now...the Stamp Collectors!

That's right kiddies! I may not be famous. I may not have been dead for 10 years. I may not even have anyone reading this right now.

I DO have my own postage stamp!

(Click the image for a larger view)

In point of fact, I have TWO of them!

I know it may be a bit of a gimmick, but I heard about the personalized postage option available from and thought that these were well worth the added expense if I wanted my promotional mailings to stand out and, essentially, stand a better chance of being opened at all.

I doubt I'll be spending the cash to do this all the time, but when I know I've got some mailings to go out they are certainly a MUST. I plan on using the first batch for the mailing of my newest brochure and DVD and I certainly will be reordering when the other two brochures are out. Any I have left will be used for when people ask for my trading card. I may even save a few to create some special framed Andy collectibles. Who knows?

I just hope I'm catching these and taking advantage of their cool factor before too many other performers follow suit. Every little bit helps.

All that's left is for me to get to be King. Lucy Van Pelt would be so proud of my accomplishments.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Here's What the Hall of Fame Committee Hasn't Considered

OK, since the majority of my life was spent as a Cubs fan I feel I can comment on the recent & now thrice repeated incorrect decision by the veterans committee to exclude Ron Santo from the Hall of Fame. Since I no longer give a rat's ass about the Cubs I can also comment as to why Santo was not elected...Santo was something of an asshole to both the writers and other players in his day and therefore he doesn't get in...just that simple.

All that aside, here is one thing that the veterans committee has not considered.

I get it. I know that you think you are some super secret exclusive club and only those who used to suck your cock in your playing days (or those who kept quiet the identities of those who did) should be in your special tree house gang of aging fuckwads. No need to extrapolate on this one.

I know you're keeping Santo out because he was such a cock to the sports writers and the other players. I get that too. Here's what YOU don't understand and it is something that was made abundantly clear on ESPN the other day during the Mike & Mike show.

Some overly pompous and equally bitter sports writer (I forget who) who has a vote in the Hall of fame decisions said something remarkably profound the other day. He said that the continued exclusion of such deserving players like Ron Santo, Gil Hodges, & Andre Dawson (all reported assholes in their playing days...see any similarities here?), and I'll try to quote this accurately, "vindicates the sports writers and reinforces what WE already knew about these players."

Are you hearing that former players of the game? You tight-knit, stick together, never say a discouraging word about any of your own regardless of how many laws or game rules they have broken lot of players out there? Are you hearing that correctly? The sports writers, a group you have almost universally trashed for knowing how to write, but not knowing much about the game since they never played themselves - YOU ASSHOLES ( the righteous and good players) are telling your sworn enemies (the obviously ill-informed sports writers) that THEY WERE AND ARE RIGHT about who should be in your precious little Hall of Fame. After all, it is the sports writers who decide the post-baseball fates of all eligible players. They vote and they determine which of you fuckwads gets in. For no other reason you should let guys like Santo in. Fuck the statistics!

Sure the statistics play a small part of it, but even those are subjective since SUPPOSEDLY the player is to be judged upon not only his stats, but how his level of play affected and contributed to the game DURING HIS ERA. I know this is a crock of shit, since so many writers glance at the stats and then (usually when they know nothing about the players) say something like, "Yeah, but how many World Series did the guy play in or win?" I got news for you...only two teams every year get to play in a World Series and only one team gets to win. Been that way for a long time so judging a player on his post-season work just isn't fair on ANY level.

So listen up, you petty buttwipes. Not only are you making something of a mockery out of your position as Hall of Fame members, but you are making the sports writers look kind than you on all accounts. They say that someone shouldn't be in the Hall and you are reinforcing their judgements...those same judgements that angered you when you were not let in initially or one of your friends was summarily snubbed. YOU are supposed to be able to agree on who was the best at their positions in their era of play because YOU know the game.

Santo has better stats than MOST of the other Third Basemen in the Hall (not a large group, by the way. Andre Dawson has better stats than most of the damn PLAYERS in the game past or present (he was fucking awesome). Gil Hodges...he's fucking Gil Hodges for fuck's sake. If you can be Gil-fucking-Hodges and still not get in the Hall of Fame why do we even have writers or players voting on such crap?

And for the record, since I'm talking about people being snubbed for reasons that have little to do with the actual level of play the ballplayers exhibited, Bill Buckner not only deserves a MASSIVE public apology from the asshole Red Sox fans, he on stats alone deserves to be in Cooperstown. He, like Santo, had some monster numbers and played the game to near perfection. Santo has the unfortunate circumstance to not only be on the fucking Cubs, but was a jerk-off for most of his career (Sorry, Ron, but everyone knows you are a nicer man today than you were then. Karma is a fucking cunt.) Buckner has that damned ex-Cub thing, but more notably has one rather famous muffed play at First base. Take a look at Buckner's numbers, realize he still has some long-standing all-time records at his position (both as a hitter and a fielder) and better stats than most First basemen in the Hall now and you'll agree that not only are the sports writers all morons, but so are the veterans who haven't righted any wrongs done by the fucking sports writers in three attempts.

Yo...asshole veteran baseball Hall of Lamers...stop vindicating the sports writers, stop trying to keep your silly club open to nobody, and let someone who deserves to be accepted learn your secret fucking handshake. Major League Baseball has been a disgrace for for too long to remember. You can make it a little more palatable by doing the right thing and allowing some truly deserving players into the fray.

And any fucking ball player who doesn't think Marvin-fucking-Miller shouldn't be in the Hall is a total asshole. None of you would be cashing a fucking paycheck if it weren't for him. Sure, the fans may not like his contribution to the game, especially since so many of the pampered assholes out there are million dollar crinkle tarts these days. But a player, even one who never got to enjoy multi-million dollar contracts has to know that his contribution to the game benefited your own very fucking well.

Fuck Major League Baseball! I hope the goddamn Hall of Fame burns to the ground.