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Monday, May 30, 2005

Oh Yeah! I Got Tagged By Jessika!

I've been wanting to say that for some time now. Well, I've wanted to say that I tagged her, but that's just somantics, really.

Jessika has tagged me with some sort of MEME that may or may not involve nudity. Trust me, if I have to get naked to answer this one I'll simply avert your eyes for you by sending you to some much hotter website. Nobody wants to see THAT!

This MEME is pretty long so I'll try to be brief. I will, of course answer them in my usual Andy tone and do what I can to send them along to people I am certain will never answer in return. Tat's just how it goes with me, folks. That also means, no spell-checker so forgive the typos.

  • Three names you go by (that won't give away your identity): Everyone knows my identity already, but if I have to make up something...Dirk, Hammerpants, and "Your Lord & Master"
  • Three screen names you've had: Asmoker, The Plate Spinner, Ajuggler
  • Three physical things you like about yourself: My eyes (wait that's TWO things already. Man I can mention the next one then), my shoulders, my hair
  • Three physical things you don't like about yourself: Just about everything else.
  • Three parts of your heritage: I'm an Uh-Merican, DAMMIT! OK, Italian, German, and very little Welsh & Cherokee Indian
  • Three things you are wearing right now: I'm wearing a Speedo with a design that reads, "Ass, gas, or grass - NOBODY rides for free", a white lab coat, and a whole lotta sexy!
  • Three favorite bands / musical artists: Joe Walsh, Johnny Cash, Me First & The Gimme Gimmes
  • Three favorite songs: "Life's Been Good", "Louie Louie", "That'll Do (Babe II Soundtrack)"
  • Three things you want in a relationship: I want to be able to finish my sentences, I would like to have sex on my time schedule better than 70% of the time, and I'd like someone smart enough to make me think, funny enough to make me laugh, and attractive enough to not care if any of the other stuff happens.
  • Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeals to you: TALL WOMEN! I like tall women. Women in glasses are HOT! Brunette hair is preferred...well, red hair is preferred, but they don't really exist...neither do blondes...they're all fake...OK I like a woman with hair, that is breathing, and at least one HOT part. Doesn't matter which. If it happens to be a fine pair of breasts, I'm not complaining. GREAT LEGS ROCK! I'd follow around a gal with a nice ass all damn day. What was the question?
  • Three of your favorite hobbies: Right now, my profession(s) are most like hobbies, but I like to ride my bike, go to zoos, and do the cigars & martinis thing.
  • Three things you want to do really badly right now: It involves a woman who matches the above-listed criteria. OK, it really involves about 3 women matching those criteria...and a camera...and lots of Gatorade. Since that is really a given with me...I'd give anything for The Vegas Brothers to take off, I'd like to publish a book, and I'd like to get on the David Letterman Show.
  • Three things that scare you: Bathrooms, pain, tomorrow
  • Three of your everyday essentials: Blog time, a hot shower, a trip to The Groundhog Mall (You have no idea how close I came to using the old line, "Tight pussy, loose shoes, & a warm place to shit" as my official answer! I'm beyond that childish nonsense.)
  • Three careers you have considered / are considering: Writer, body piercer, talk show host
  • Three places you want to go on vacation: England, Austrailia, and a trip back to Negril, Jamaica would be GREAT!
  • Three kids' names you like: I don't like kids. Naming them won't change anything.
  • Three things you want to do before you die: I want SOMETHING I've started to end with success. That's really about it. Back to the Letterman Show I guess. I'd like to see the Grand Canyon or the Cubs win a World Series. Wait! You said BEFORE I die? Scratch the Cubs thing.
  • Three ways you are stereotypically a boy: I liked baseball and collected baseball cards, I have a penis (That should really count, right? If not, I love cigars.), I can't get enough naked, semi-naked, clothed, or overly dressed women. In any form, I'm all about checking out the ladies. Porn, Cal's Jr. commercials, beauty pagaents, you name it, if there's a woman for me to admire (covet) I'm so THERE!
  • Three ways you are stereotypically a girl: I find myself to be a fun, nice guy to be around, but I wouldn't want to sleep with me. I have long hair. I think I'm overweight (of course in my case, I actually am, whereas most women/girls actually are not overweight).
  • Three celeb crushes: Angelina Jolie, damn near any female that has appeared in Buffy, Angel, Firefly - any Joss Whedon show, Sela Ward. That woman will never stop being hot.
  • Three people to send this MEME to: Gunstar (He tagged me a few times and I never answered, so why not return the favor?), The Yeti (He must have better things to do than this!), Uber Bitch Naomi (I'm quite sure she doesn't read me anymore. She's too busy posting smutty photos of herself on her blog to notice me.)

What? A New Column from Me at MBC?

As promised, you can read a funnier and not quite as depressing version of my last post at Malicious Bitch. This is not a word-for-word copy of the post. There are in fact a few changes for comedic and emotional effect. Been awhile since I submitted anything anywhere and so I should remind a few of ya that sometimes my columns start off as blog posts. They make for good case studies if you're interested in the creative or comedic processes.

Just CLICK HERE to read, "Could Be Worse. Could Be Raining."

My personal favorite line in the updated version, "At 35, people start telling you how good you look for your age, assuming you look good for your age in the first place. If they have to tell you how good you look, they're just expressing surprise at the fact you are not already dead. "

By the way. So RAINING! :)

Sunday, May 29, 2005

A Post In My Final Hours as "A Cool & Interesting" Shopper

(Look for a somewhat funnier, better proofread, and less dour version of this post in Malicious Bitch soon!)

While I am very happy to get a couple of days to spend with April in order to celebrate my birthday and in spite of all of the most excellent birthday wishes I've received (and they ARE appreciated, despite the remainder of this post), I am fairly sure I'll not have all that "happy" a birthday.

Yes, we'll probably go some place fun and that will be relaxing and enjoyable. However, I am not at all happy with turning 35. This is not some sort of age shock thing. I just don't like the whole idea.

I'm already a good 5 years older than I ever expected to live. I used to have horrific and extremely detailed dreams about my own death. They've been going on for about as long as I can remember and before I turned 30, there were many indications within the dreams that my demise would happen on or before my 30th birthday.

When I turned 30 without any sort of Reaper house call, I was surprised. Even though my wife called me in Idaho (I was working there for the summer at Silverwood Theme Park) and left a message on my machine chanting "Renew! Renew! Renew!" (she's one funny lady!), I did not find my end. Ah well, there's always 31.

Tomorrow I turn 35.

35 should be better than it is. It isn't. I'll be no more successful or happy than I was at 18, 21, 30, etc.. I am merely older, heavier, and possibly a bit wiser, even though I still continue to make wildly stupid mistakes about very important things.

The only people that believe 35 is "young" are people 36 and older and people who are 33 and trying to over-compensate for knowing they'll be old in a couple of years. Folks who are actually there now that they're out of the game and OLD. The only saving grace is that if I get squashed by a car or eaten by a rabid penguin & killed tomorrow, most people will agree that I was "too young to die".

At 35, people start telling you how good you look for your age, assuming you look good for your age in the first place.

35 is the year when I am officially insignificant with regard to how the real world operates. I am out of the cool shopping & marketing demographic. No products, TV shows, movies, or music will be targeted towards me and if it were, nobody else would give a shit. My opinion and buying power does not interest anyone in the cool world. People who are 35 are no longer important, unless we have lots of money and many small babies. I have neither. I'm just 35 and poor.

The life expectancy of the average Martello male is between 64-70 years old. A few have gone on longer, but not many. I am not in a mid-life crisis. I was middle-aged three years ago!

More importantly, things start malfunctioning automatically after 35. The body breaks down and chunks of Andy will spontaneously fall off of me without warning and without any regard for whether or not I have any freakin' health insurance, which reminds me...

Health insurance is much harder to get after you turn 35.

After 35, people are expected to accept the fact that since you are now older, you will one day soon have to take some sort of prescription medication for the rest of your life, mostly because of the parts falling off thing. I equate daily medication with death, especially since I watched my dad go from a few scant pills a day (to maintain his post-35 diabetes) to being a walking-talking pharmacy. Aside from some allergy meds and the birth control pill, I don't know anyone taking regular meds for something that I actually expect to live a longer life thanks to those pills. Thankfully I have no health insurance and won't be going to the doctor to get my mandatory prescription for anything any time soon. And speaking of doctors...

After 35, doctors feel it is their right and their duty to poke and prod in many more uncomfortable places, usually without asking you if you'd like to be poked and/or prodded. Buy me some dinner first you BMW-driving pervert!

I have never looked good naked or in a bathing suit. At 35 I look absolutely dreadful. Even if I were disciplined enough to work out and eat right, trying to spruce up the old physique would be akin to asking the "Queer Eye" guys to fix up Thunderdome. (Wow, has anyone featured a Mad Max AND a "Logan's Run" reference in a blog to date?)

What do I have to look forward to at 35?

  • Someday, some political party or candidate will really want my vote and do something to court my attention.
  • I'll get a ton of "Over the Hill" crap in five years.
  • I can start acting way more superior than I already do if I make it to 50 or older....Because I'll be so damned smart and better than all the young punks who are clearly wasting their youth by trodding upon my damned LAWN!
  • While I can't date an 18-24 year old girl now, thanks to marriage and the "creepy factor", I am expected to do so sometime after 40 and that could be great fun.
  • I'm told, at some point I will own a Corvette or a vintage Mustang.

What do I have to be proud of at 35?

  • I have never moved back home with the parents. I've borrowed a helluva lot of cash from everyone in the family to avoid doing so, but it's something, right?
  • I have all of my hair, and even some new hair in exciting places!
  • In my 20 years in show-biz I have never worked as a waiter.
  • My wife & family love me.
  • I have never lived in Ohio. I'm the only one in the family to make that claim. OK, it really isn't all that much, but I was feeling lousy about not having something else to mention.

Right about here is the part where all the older folks tell me the lies they've told themselves about life being what you make of it and age being a relative thing and all that crap. Fuck you! You're old too! In fact, if you're telling me about the greatness of being 35 and the fun to come, you're older than me! You were just as ornery about this shit as I am now. I don't want your clarity or insight because that would then mean I made it to YOUR AGE! Geez-O-Pete, do I want to get any older? Fuck NO! I'm already pissed about 35. Haven't you been reading anything?

Here's the news! I have done some fun things, but pretty much all of the things I'd hoped to accomplish haven't happened and likely wont' happen now. Sure I have wasted a lot of time with a slothful pursuit of achievement, but still, the biological clock for personal and professional goals has gone off with no snooze bar hits left. Don't give me the self-fulfilling prophecy crap either because we all know there aren't all that many 35 and older success stories in entertainment, publishing, and the like. Maybe in publishing, but most of those folks had jobs that could sustain a career of submitting work for years without any success. I don't have that luxury.

So there's what I've got waiting for me tomorrow. Well, that, and a few presents that I don't deserve. I've been told I'll be getting some kind of birthday sex, so I've got that going for me.

Regardless, I've got to deal with the fact that even after 20 years of being an entertainer, I'm still fretting about the rent in the lean months, it will likely rain at some point (it almost ALWAYS rains on my birthday), and traffic will probably suck.

Marty Feldman (Igor): "Could be worse. Could be raining. "

[Thuder clasp heard. Rain falls]

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Hittin' the Road Tomorrow

If you've noticed an abundance of posts here it is because I'm heading out tomorrow and won't be back for a few days. As it happens I, being the great guy I am, felt it necessary to make sure you had plenty of things to entertain yourselves with while I'm gone. Ain't I the sweetest thing?

Anyway, tomorrow I meet up with my brother to see West Michigan Whitecaps baseball game before I crash at his place for the night.

Then, Friday May 27th I'll be at the Memorial Hall at the University of Akron in Ohio. Showtime should be 7PM if anybody wants to attend my extravaganza.

Saturday I'm doing two shows in Cleveland at the Masonic Auditorium at 3600 Euclid. I believe shows are 1PM and 7PM. I honestly don't know because I never get told a damn thing!

After that I have to rush back home because I promised Nicky Vegas I'd come see his show in Kenosha, WI on the 29th. The things I do for friends! Wish I had friends to do things for me.

Monday is my fucking birthday and I'm assuming it will rain like hell. Regardless I've got no gig on Memorial Day so I'll be depressed. After that I think I'll get to do a little celebrating with April and open some presents (and worry about the bills, which is really what I'll be doing all week anyway).

So you see, I've got only a scant amount of time to give you freaks anything to read. So pace yourselves will ya?

Be Stallone in Bed

I normally don't send, post, or even respond to SPAM. However, when you get something with a subject line as oddly intriguing as, "Be Stallone in Bed" from someone named, "Latoya Short", I have to at least look, right?

Here's the e-mail in it's entirety.

Date:Thu, 26 May 2005 01:33:54 +0400
From: "Latoya Short"
Subject: Be Stallone in Bed

You came this far , you will regret
if you don't visit this link

go here for removal
pps: Simply the best products at best rates

I know this all must be some GREAT product to increase the size of my manhood, or the amount of baby-batter coming out of my manhood (or both), but why is the subject, "Be Stallone in Bed"? I'm decent looking. I'm married. I know I'm at the very least, "A Contender".

I'm used to misspellings in the subject lines of SPAM e-mails. That's one of the ways these folks get around SPAM-blockers. But does "Latoya" really want me to become Sylvester Stallone or did she mean to say "Stallion". She did capitalize all of the first letters in the main words so I can't determine if "Stallone" should be "Stallion" or not.

MY GOD! What if it is supposed to mean Frank Stallone? Is that better or worse?

Either way, I'm not aware of either Stallone being all that well-endowed or even all that vibrant in the sack. Sure, Sly has had his share of hottie wives (I believe he's on his 47th wife this year. ), but surely that has more to do with the gozillion dollars he's made in Hollywood and not his mammoth sausage, his out-of-control fire hose, and his legendary ringside stamina.

I never hear about Frank Stallone and his sexual prowess or conquests, all! I'm the only one in living memory to even mention his name so often, so what does that say about me?

Besides, I'm of about as much Italian decent as either Stallone and I know for a fact that we ALL get laid because of our winning personalities or our mob ties. Our manhood has...uh..."little" to do with it at all.

So, "Latoya Short", I demand an explanation here! You didn't even get the date right in your e-mail! Zeesh!

UPDATE! 12:25 AM 5/26/2005

I just received the same e-mail, this time from "Sheryl Butler". The subject line? "Lozenges for Schwarzenegger" The plot thickens!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Random Celebrity Memories! Vol. Three: Gary "U.S." Bonds

Image hosted by Photobucket.comKeeping with the musical theme, I'll tell you about my first trip to Duluth, MN.

I was working the Duluth Boat, Sports, & Travel Show, a gig I've worked a couple of times. As with all my trips to Duluth to perform, I was the entertainment on the "family stage" and there was a headliner on the main stage. In this particular year the headliner was none other than Gary "U.S" Bonds.

Gary is something of a legend in the rock, r&b, and blues scene. He's got a great voice and he's responsible for some of my favorite recordings. I can listen to him sing, "New Orleans" any day of the week!

On several occasions that week, we had to make our own "meet & greet" appearances. He was always extremely nice and very cool to me. His wife and daughter were his background singers and they were BEAUTIFUL! Man, oh man were they babes! The rock scene does good by a guy, ya know?

One thing I always like when I'm working these types of events is that I get to see the shows, and meet the veteran performers, something I ALWAYS enjoy. I like hearing the road stories, the hell gig stories, and just getting to know some folks with years more experience in the biz than myself. What made this particularly cool was that Gary, made a point to see the trade show and more importantly, he and his family came to see my show. The fans of his liked seeing him out and about and they were also much more attentive to my antics when they saw that he was interested in what I did.

We got along quite well and I'd work with him again in a heartbeat. I like working with genuine people with real talent and Gary doesn't get any more genuine on both counts.

Now for the very cool part. We were joking around backstage one day and I asked if he'd ever performed "Louie Louie". He went on and on about some of the crazier songs and shows he's done over the years and that "Louie Louie" was always a good song to get people dancing, if not a good song to play if the band was tired and he couldn't remember the words to any of his songs.

I told him about my silly obsession with the song and my collection. I joked that he should do the song that night and mix things up a bit and he said, "Sure! We'll do that one!." I was laughing at the prospect and I figured he was also joking.

Well, in a way he was joking. He started talking about the juggler & comedian on the family stage and how much he enjoyed my show. He even urged the crowd to applaud for me and go see the show, which was cool. He announced it to the crowds he was going to play "Louie Louie" , which got some applause. He followed with, "And speaking of Andy, "Louie Louie" is his favorite song. Why not have him come on out here and sing it for us!"

The crowd cheered and I was brought onto the stage. We chatted a bit and I was handed the microphone. The next thing I knew I was singing "Louie Louie", rather badly I must say, with a kickin' band, with two babes & Gary "U.S." Bonds as my backup singers! That was hysterical and loads of fun!

Gary is a great guy and one hell of a fine performer. He has a new CD out, which is available at his website. I haven't picked up my copy yet, but I surely will. hell, you can get an autographed copy for less than $20.00! If you're not a fan, you surely will be after taking a listen to his past and present works.

Incidentally, there IS a recording of my Martello/Bonds version of the song out there. Bob Husted, at Reel Life Recorders in Michigan has the tape and he has never managed to get me a copy of it. I don't mind. We both drank a lot after those gigs and he does get a bit busy or forgetful with all the work he does. LOL! One day, I'll get it for my collection. Maybe I should give them another call, all these years later. Regardless, I have the memories.

Random Celebrity Photos! Vol. Three: Rick Springfield

I'm the handsome one. He's the one that gets laid!I'm sure I've mentioned before that my wife is unusually fascinated with pop superstar, Rick Springfield. While I can't really say that I've been "forced" to see him in concert many times, I can say that I've had to sit through more than my share of Rick Springfield shows. April likes it when I'm there and he does put on a hell of a good show.

We've seen him perform quite a few times at the Potowatomi Casino in Milwaukee. One such time, a select group of fan club members, including April and her guest (me) were allowed to have a "meet & greet" session after the show with Springfield. She'd gotten to touch him a few times as he passed through the crowds and at our first Spring field show (EFX in Las Vegas) he spoke to her from the stage, commenting about April's Tom Jones t-shirt being worn at a Springfield show. This would be the first chance she'd had to actually get a photo, a handshake, and a whiff of his sweaty, Australian goodness.

Now the first photo you see is not actually the first photo we got to take. I want you to fully appreciate the beauty in this moment and that's why I show you these out of order.

April was the first to snap a shot with Mr. Springfield. April is something of a hottie. She's very pretty and certainly built like a brick house, so she was "working the girls" a bit that night, knowing she was going to meet Rick.

Oh yeah!  I've still got it!Rick still packs the house wherever he plays. His fans are extremely loyal and many have been with him from the beginning. You could say that his original core group of fans were all young cuties sporting their femininity at the shows. At the risk of sounding insensitive or crass, many of those fans, many years and several kids and pints of Hagen Daas later, are rather soccer-momish to say the least.

I'm sure the adoration from ALL fans is appreciated, but it must boost the ego a bit to see a young, under 30, well built gal marching up for a snuggle and a chance to say, "HI". I know I always enjoy it when it happens to me. Oh wait. I don't have any fans, attractive or otherwise. Nevermind. Anyway, you can see the enjoyment in Rick's expression when April arrived.

You can almost hear him thinking, "Oh yeah. Jesse's got nothing on me, no more! I'm still the king. Do you get excited, young lady?" Sure he's married to a babe and sure he doesn't need to scan the crowds for ladies anymore, but he does. How do I know? Because he's a man and he plays guitar. You do the math!

Let's fast-forward to the moment right after April's moment with her man. This is where we bring in yours truly.

OH CRAP!  She's married to a LOSER...with a PONYTAIL!
The winning smile goes away and the cocky "Rooster Boy" (his nickname for many reasons, so I'm told) goes away. Now you can almost hear him thinking, "Aw CRAP! She's married to a fat DOOFUS...with a PONYTAIL! GODDAMMIT! Curse you, Jesse and your cruel, mocking bedfellow known as Fate! You mock me yet again!"

In any event, April loved the show. She had a fine little moment with Mr. Springfield and we both laugh at the photos every time we see them. If you get a chance to see him perform live, I do always recommend the show. He is extremely fan-friendly and accessible and he always puts on a great rock show, even if some of the hotties are married to fatties like me.

Is it OK to Plagiarize if it's for a Good Cause?

I ask this because I quite literally cut-&-pasted my way into this post.

We want more freakin' readers at Malicious Bitch and this seems like a great way to spread the word. So please, forgive my blatant theft of Doyle's words and get your butt over to MBC to sign up for good reading! I'll even try to write some new funny crap for the zine if ya sign up. Honest. Maybe I'll write one new column for every new MBC member we get from this promotion. If you sign up, please post a comment on this post and I'll have a better idea of just how much crap I gotta write.

May Membership Drive - Win BitchGear, Blog Hosting, and more for referring new paid members!

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Monday, May 23, 2005

Early Birthday Present!

Can anyone say enough good things about Bud Buckley? Hell no! He's just too nice a guy and it is impossible to tout his virtues any more than most everyone already has before. Maybe one day some disgruntled former student will come on out and piss in the Bud Buckley pool, but I doubt it will happen any time soon.

I have to thank Bud for taking the time to record not one, but two unique and entertaining versions of "Louie Louie", in response to my half-serious/half-joking birthday wish list. To say the least, Bud really put some thought and effort into making that stupid song seem considerably less stupid. In quite possibly counts as actual music when Bud plays it.

That being said, his more artistic recording of the song pales in comparison to his bizarre, pseudo-German, oddly translated, and heavy bass vocal performance of the song.

Of the two versions he sent my way, one was done by "Bud Buckley". The other, by "Arnold". I was intrigued and eager to listen to both. I patiently sat through the Buckley version and enjoyed his interpretation very much. Then, "Arnold" took to the mike and I almost died from laughing so much.

No matter which Bud Buckley I was listening to, it was a most generous and thoughtful gift that made my whole day much better.

If you'd like to check out what Bud & wife have been up of late, check out Bitchitude & Corporate Crap to see some great Penguini Posse pics (which I'll be stealing and posting in their own section here shortly). Don't forget to read Bud's always entertaining blog.

Thanks, Bud. That was GREAT!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Meme Me, Meming You

I think 3T is taking advantage of my weakness for attractive brunettes because she tagged me with a MEME. I'll play along, but that's only because in my world, she convinced me to do so by doing a strip tease to a Journey song.

Here goes...

Total volume of music on my hard drive: 181 MB (Mostly versions of Louie Louie)

Last CD I Bought: Bud Buckley's "Feel My Love" & "Tom Jones & Jools Holland" (bought at roughly the same time)

Song playing right now: Not that this is music to my ears or anything, but the Cubs/White Sox game is on in the background. There's also some very loud rap/crap bouncing through the walls from a neighboring apartment.

Five songs I listen to a lot: In no particular order...

  • "Louie Louie"
  • Anything from the Cash: Unearthed Box Set
  • The Tom Jones recording of "Mama Told Me Not to Come"
  • Anything by Stevie Ray Vaughn
  • Anything by Joe Walsh

(bonus songs, not asked for in the MEME, but who cares?)

  • "Photograph", "Don't Pass Me By" & "Love Me Do", by Ringo Starr (VH1 Storytellers recording)
  • "Cleveland Rocks", by the Presidents of the United States of America (I think that's who did the cool remake)
  • Anything off the Stax/Volt Singles box set (the first one)
  • "AM Radio" by Everclear (and many more from them)
  • Soundtracks, Compilations, & MORE Soundtracks!
  • EVERYTHING by Me First & The Gimme Gimmes

Pick five people you want to annoy with this MEME LOL!: As is tradition, I'll try to pick people that rarely, if ever read my blog, and therefore KILLING the MEME. Once again, in no particular order...

  • Heather at She didn't read my blog when she was linked here. She hasn't read it since I took her off the links list. She won't read this now. I've always wanted to say, "I tagged Heather" and now when I say it, it isn't a complete lie.
  • Joe Schulenberg. He hasn't blogged in so long I am sure he'll never answer this.
  • Ron Jeremy. This blog is likely a fake, but isn't it cool to think that Joe Schulenberg & Ron Jeremy are mentioned in the same place?
  • Eric at The Louie Louie Blog. I KNOW he has better things to do with his time than answer this silly MEME!
  • Casper D. Dog. Hey LOOK! A blog run by a dog! No WAY! This is about as pointless as life gets. Let's hope the dog can only write and not actually read.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Hot Rod Linkin'

I'm adding a few folks to the ever-growing list of links here at Andy Land. I'm sure some of you know these folks already, but if not, allow me to welcome them. I have also given a nudge to Nicky Vegas, of The Fabulous Vegas Brothers Blog and gotten him to add these links there. Feel free to add the VB link if you'd like to do so.

I Wasn't Always Like This

Bitchitude turned me on to this blog awhile back and it is certainly a good read. All I know for sure is that Kim if from Ohio (not sure where...she may live near some of my family) and she quite suddenly has about 427 kids. If it sounds impossible to you, go read for yourself. I MAY be exaggerating a little bit.

Mrs. Mogul

She's probably unaware that I linked to her, and she likely hasn't linked back to me, but none of that matters because she has an absolutely lovely blog and I felt like linking! She's living in London and apparently is "mostly vegan". Even though I am "completely carnivorous" I can't blame anyone living across the pond for giving up all forms of food with faces. If I lived in London I'd give up eating altogether as I hear most British food is a bit on the awful side. I could be wrong. To find out, read her blog & learn of the virtues of MOCK HAM!

I can't get the name to print properly here , but the name of the site is k @ o t i c i s m. I don't know much about this place yet, but I do know that they linked to me and didn't even tell me. That is certainly very cool, but I shouldn't have to learn about new friends by checking my web stats. If you want to link to me, feel free to send me an e-mail and let's make this a blog-whoring party! That way I can link back, give you a nice plug, and all that stuff! MANY THANKS!

I'm sure I forgot to mention that I also added the blogs of two most beautiful ladies, 3rd Time's a Charm & Priss. Of course, they know they're mega-hotties and that they ROCK (Except Priss. Apparently she "RAWKS") so why should I go on and on? Oh yeah, Priss's Ma ROCKS too. So check out Tutu Bent's Hale as well.

Thanks to all the readers, the referrers, and the folks helping to make Andy Land a blogiverse of it's own. You all ROCK! Except for Priss...

MMMmmm, Stehouwer Beef Sizzlers!

Beef Sizzlers.  Is there anything they can't do?

My life was made that much better the other day when we went to the grand opening of the new Meijer store.

Bear in mind that I do not make any money for blogging and I am not a shill for any one company. If I tout the virtues of something here it is because it is damn good and you should know about it. I receive no freebies for endorsing a product, but I sure would not turn any away, especially if a big old box from Stehouwer's Frozen Foods came in as a result of this post. I'm not holding my breath though.

A long time ago, my dad introduced me to the unparalleled taste and inspired genius of the culinary treat, the Stehouwer Beef Sizzler.

For those unfamiliar with this masterpiece, the Beef Sizzler is made by the Stehouwer's Frozen Foods company, of Grand Rapids, Michigan. The product is simple and original; a seasoned beef patty wrapped in thin slices of ribeye steak. That's a tasty hamburger, wrapped in steak for God's sake! Meat, surrounded by better meat!

Few things are better in form, structure, and most importantly, flavor than the Beef Sizzler! You keep them frozen until you're ready to use them. Then, you fry them for a couple of minutes on each side in a pan and -BOOM!- The best damned burger you ever found in a freezer section.

I know that this very post may be enough to frighten off some people, like my new friend (and recent addition to my link list) Mrs. Mogul, who is "mostly vegan" according to her blog. However, anyone who knows me, knows I am a big fan of great food in any form. Anyone remember my story about the Booby's steak sandwich? I run the risk of chasing away a few folks by talking about things like steak, with a tasty beef center. I accept the responsibility and hope for the best.

Anyway, my dad got me hooked on these delicious treats. They are juicy, flavorful, and much better than any of the prepackaged burgers or processed meat products that are out there. These are in a class by themselves! I used to be able to get them most anywhere in the Chicago area. At one point they were much more expensive than they are now and since they don't come in huge packs of 20 or anything like that and they became increasingly hard to find.

I tried asking grocer's to carry them, place special orders, anything to get them at one of the stores I frequented. Most folks either wouldn't place the order or pretended that they weren't made anymore, because they couldn't find them in their vendor listings and such. The worst, was when I'd describe the delicacy to them as well as give them the name of the manufacturer, and the IDIOT grocer would say, "Do you mean Steakums?"


Gee, do you think I may have ruined my chances at getting a gig as a food critic for a major newspaper?

In any event, Meijer, a store prevalent in the eastern states and just now making waves here, has these fantastic little morsels of beefy goodness and I've been eating them almost at every meal for three days. Prior to the other day, I hadn't eaten one in well over 10 years (maybe much longer). I plan on buying at least one pack a week just so the guy who does the ordering doesn't think they should go away!

Do yourself a favor (those of you that are still carnivores) and buy some Stehouwer's Beef Sizzlers. You won't be disappointed!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

R.I.P. Frank Gorshin

Devastating news.

GENIUS comedian & actor, legendary night club performer, and brilliant mimic, Frank Gorshin has died at the age of 72.

Most people remember him for his portrayal of The Riddler in the "Batman" TV series. I was brought up to know him as the ULTIMATE night club comedian. My dad, always one to point out geniuses at work when it came to comedy, always made sure to tell me about Gorshin and his many characters, voices, and appearances on "The Tonight Show", & "The Ed Sullivan Show".

I never got to see him even though he came around here often and performed up til his death. Very sorry to hear of his passing as he was a genius.

Right now I can't help but thinking about some good friends of mine & expert voice impersonators, Bob Jay, Mike Toomey, & Bill Mellberg. I'll have to give them all a call later.

MMMmmm, Penguin Jammies!

They wouldn't look as good on me.  :(

OK, so I'm not exactly modeling the comfy assortment of penguin pajamas in the Andy Martello collection. But YOU try and explain to your spouse that you want to put photos of yourself in your PJs online! Actually I just didn't feel like getting all dressed for a simple blog post. Moving on...

Here you see a rather fine mix of penguinwear for the bedroom. There are two different styles of red, white & black penguin jammies, which of course are mine. These I found at Old Navy at different times. Naturally I bought two pairs each so I'd have them for a long time. I wish I'd bought more! Really, penguin pajamas in MY favorite color scheme? BOOYAH!

The purple & white pair are actually my wife's. I think she may have had those darned things long before we met. How's that for proof that she and I are a good match! Without warning, she will upon occasion mumble, "I've got penguins on my pants" in a deep, comical voice. Awww...aren't we cute?

The blue & white penguin frolicking in a snowy scene is actually part of a full set of bed sheets featuring penguins. I believe we got those at Target or Wal-Mart. They're flannel and cozy and TOO HOT for the spring & summer! We found a similar down throw blanket not too soon after buying the sheet set, also at Target or Wal-Mart. We bought one at one store, and one at the other.

I didn't include the blanket in the photo because I'm a moron and forgot about the damned thing until just this moment. Nice, huh? I remember to get out the sheets & PJs, but forget about the blanket which is currently ON my bed.

Hard to believe some people think the internet is filled with useless crap, isn't it?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

There Goes the Neighborhood!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

It's not completely done yet, but it is way cool right now. Many thanks to Priss for her kick-ass blog skin.

If you'd be kind enough to add the Brothers to your blogroll, links, etc. that would be very cool. Currently, only Nicky is able to post, but I understand that the other Brothers will be allowed in to the place soon. Enjoy!

Monday, May 16, 2005

You Want the Best? You Got the Best! The HOTTEST Man In the World - In PENGUIN JAMMIES!

I told you I'd post a picture of me in my Penguin Jammies!

You thought I was joking. I wasn't.

I warned you this might not be pretty and yet, you encouraged me anyway.

You wanted to see what I looked like in my penguin outfit, all snuggly and warm, like a baby penguin ready for a cozy slumber.

And have your wish.

Click HERE to see what I look like wearing some penguin garb!

Ladies, I may not be single, but I am dead sexy nonetheless. When you think of me, think fondly. Or should that read, "fondle-ly"?

I'm Trying, I REALLY Am!

I've got a fine photo of me in my penguin jammies for your viewing pleasure, but Hello has mysteriously decided to stop allowing me to post pictures again. Very frustrating.

I certainly hope they get their heads out of their asses soon because I've also got a few fun Random Celebrity Photos to share this week.

In other news, Eric has added my Louie Louie pages to his list of links at the Louie Louie Blog. That's always nice. His blog is coming along nicely with a new header and a few other features. He even linked to Golfwidow's recent Louie translation in a recent post.

Something odd to report is that the folks at Fu-Qtoo have actually gotten complaints for sending traffic to other sites. Some places have been benefiting from the free traffic from their links, but felt it necessary to bitch about Fu-Qtoo not being one of their official affiliates. Basically, these sites are angry because they're getting traffic and NOT having to pay a commission for the referral. People never cease to amaze me. If you are one of the many people with at least half a brain in your head that likes free links and traffic to your blog, feel free to go to the Fu-Qtoo blog and get on their link list. The blog is NSFW, don't let that scare you away, their T-Shirt site certainly is!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I'm Turning Jade Out, Cuz I'm a Smooth PIMP!

Oh Yeah...You Can't HELP YOURSELF!  You Want Some of THIS! Take a look at this sexy Bitch. Luscious, isn't she? You want to get some of that for yourself? Yeah. I know you do.

What you're looking at in between strokes is the lovely and talented Jade. Don't think this is some sort of artist's rendering or anything like that. She really looks like this. I swear.

Jade is one fine lady who sets her lady parts down in the land known as Arizona. She has a kick-ass blog. She's addicted to Andy Land according to that same blog. PLUS, she's working very hard to be my favorite stalker.

What's more important is that she's also back in business at my favorite net-zine, Malicious Bitch. You can read her music reviews and more at her column, Beatz. I heard tell that aside from reviewing music and keeping the world up to date on all things lyrical and melodic, she's got an in-depth interview with guitarist, blogger, and amateur Buzz Kilman impersonator, Bud Buckley coming to MBC soon.

If THAT is not enough to get you to march on over and subscribe to the coolest magazine on the net, then let me remind you that you can read a few other great writers and blog friends there as well. Who, you ask?

Doyle Brooks tells us What I Know About Women. Surprisingly, it is not a paragraph.
Christine "Bitchitude" Fron just writes until her fingers bleed. She's all over that magazine.
Becky Pretz writes movie reviews & More at A Fool's Gesture
Marjo "Gimme Some" Moore provides insight into everything worth knowing in The Serious Side of Bitch

And let's not forget, the incoherent and all too infrequent ramblings of...

Now go and read some mighty fine things or I'll take down the pic of my Jade and replace it with that of a hairy, bloated man in penguin pajamas. That's right, I'll post some of my sexy boudoir photography!

Best Louie Louie Lyrics EVER!

Golfwidow does it again! She directed me to a most amusing translation of the Louie Lyrics today. I am still giggling about it now. So why not share them here? Many thanks, Golfwidow.

To make this work go to Google's Language Tools. Translate song lyrics from English to German, then German to French, then French to English.

O, not, I said Louie Louie,
that us to go to have yes.
I said Louie Louie,
the baby,
have says me that us to go to have.

waits a small girl fine me.
I verfange a ship on the sea.
Me segele which completely only dispatches.
Us memory never, like I form it head.

I said now, said to Louie Louie
outward journey duty us,
not me in Louie Louis,
have says me, we must go.

Three nights and segelte days me sea.
I think constantly of a girl.
On this dream of the ship I am there it.
I direction increased in his hair.

Not, I, said Louie Louie, we must go.
I said, said Louie Louie,
the baby,
me, we must go.

O.K., make us give you to him to them the right, now.

I see that I see in top the moon of Jamaica,
I see soon my love. (me) I again take it in my arms.
I will declare it that "I become outward journey you never yet"

Louie Louie, not,
that I, that said we must go yes.
I said, said Louie Louie,
the baby,
me, we must go.
I said that we must go now.

You let push us outside here.
let suit us.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

What Do I Want for My Birthday?

Not that I expect anyone to get me anything. I generally don't put too much thought into my birthdays as they're frequently ruined by rain or schedule conflicts. However a few people have been e-mailing me questions about my impending 35th and possibly final birthday arriving on the 30th of May so I guess I'll post a half-serious wish list of birthday goodies. I'm sure this list will grow and change in the next few weeks, but as I said, I really don't expect any of you to take this seriously.

In numerical order, but not in order of importance...

  1. Sony's Vegas 6 software. I want better video/movie software so I can make better promo videos for my business.
  2. New promo photos or cash to get them done (or a trip to Hawaii so Christine can take the pics for me. I suppose I'd settle for Christine and her manfriend, Doyle coming out to Chicago to do the shoot. Just drop everything to accommodate me, will ya? LOL!)
  3. Health insurance, preferably something I can afford
  4. Cash to restore and frame this ancient Ringling Bros. half-sheet (poster) I have featuring and signed by legendary juggler Francis Brunn. I've had the thing for years and have never had the cash to get the thing properly preserved. I'm sure that my NOT doing anything with it has hastened it's entropy. Any Andy Land readers in the framing biz?
  5. Forgiveness from on high for all the things I cannot forgive myself for (and the list is extensive & apparently, mentally crippling)
  6. I'd like a bank account, and maybe some hope of having money and security if I do live past 35. I don't expect YOU to get me an account or set me on the path of financial freedom. I'm just free-associating right now.
  7. There are at least three wristwatches I'm in love with at my wife's store, Marche Noir. There's a DKNY I've been eyeballing, a way cool Diesel, and a Kenneth Cole. I need a new watch like I need a new clogged artery, but what the hell.
  8. Once in awhile, I'd like somebody to take me seriously when I'm in pain or upset.
  9. I'd like to get a booking on Letterman, Conan, and Leno. I don't have to do stand-up, juggling, plate-spinning, or any act at all. Maybe just a segment where I can talk about my new book or a cool column I wrote.
  10. Oh, yeah, I'd like either some starter cash to self-publish a book of my craptacular essays or a good literary agent that would like to bring my madness to the masses.
  11. A Tom Jones recording of the Wonder Woman theme song. He's never sung it. It is the ULTIMATE Tom Jones song. I'd like this even more than a Tom Jones version of Louie Louie.
  12. I sure like a lot of the penguin things from these guys.
  13. If Joe Walsh could tell his "other band", Eagles, to fuck off long enough to do a solo show in my area that would be cool. Otherwise, I'd love to meet the guy or get a photo with him for my archives and my blog. I'd like few things more in my life than to meet Joe Walsh. He's just awesome! Just to shake the hand that wrote the line, "I can't complain but sometimes I still do" would more than enough.
  14. I'd like any musician friends I have to record a version of "Louie Louie" and send it to me for my collection. Doesn't have to be fancy. Doesn't have to be lyrically accurate. Doesn't have to be any good. It just has to be on CD or mp3 and it has to be their own special version of the stupidest (and GREATEST) rock song of all time.
  15. I'd like to go to Cedar Point again, preferably with my brothers & sister. It is really the only amusement park in the world as far as I'm concerned. If I could get a booking there that would give everyone else an excuse to visit!
  16. I'm behind on my Adult Swim DVD box sets. E-mail me for details.
  17. A really good turnout at an upcoming Vegas Brothers gig.
  18. Can somebody come over and clean the ever-living shit out of my apartment and then NOT blog about what a fucking mess it was in here?
  19. I'd like to go to the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum again. To hell with Disney! The Mustard Museum is the happiest place on Earth!
  20. I'd like one of the many projects I've started or been in on the ground floor on to succeed beyond all my wildest dreams and make us all happy and rich! I've got good vibes about Malicious Bitch, which probably means the thing is doomed!
  21. I'd like to go fishing. I love fishing and yet, I never get to go fishing. I'm lousy at it, but I love to sit on the water and fish.
  22. I'd like all those years I wasted cheering on the Cubs to magically be given back to me.
  23. As many bottles of Pyrat XO Reserve as anybody wants to send my way. I have told you about this glorious ambrosia before and I still love it! Seriously, if everyone who reads this actually goes out and buys me a bottle and that were ALL I got for my birthday - hell, for the rest of my life, that would me fine and dandy with me!
  24. Respect from my peers and business associates. This IS a wish list, after all.
  25. I'd like people to stop referring to me as, "the magician" when I come to their events to perform.

More later I'm sure. I mean, this can't be the WHOLE wish list, can it? Seems reasonable enough. ;)

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Hey, David Letterman! THIS is SOMETHING!

I'm getting a little tired of seeing so many associates of mine getting on The Late Show for the "Is This Anything?" segment. You want SOMETHING? I'm right here!

I got a call a few years back to do this segment. I believe that Celia Converse was the segment producer that contacted me. They wanted a plate spinner for this little moment on the show. I sent in some promo and even followed up with newer & better promo shortly thereafter. I don't recall what the deal was but there were reasons offered as to why we didn't end up shooting.

I know that Celia is not doing that piece anymore so perhaps when she moved on the new guy had to start fresh. I remember that we were having even more terrorist warnings and we went to death-watch-plaid on the terror alert system about that time. Hell, they may have thought that I, the last great plate spinner in the states (if not the world), sucked! All I know is that I did not get to go out to New York and spin my damn plates! I don't even know if they ever found another plate spinner to do the segment.

So, Letterman producers, LISTEN UP! Check out my website, just like Celia did. Request some current promo and DVDs for your consideration. Get me on your show! If you haven't had a plate spinner yet you have a chance to do something historic. I COULD be the first plate spinner to perform on the Ed Sullivan stage since the Ed Sullivan show was around.

I'm in my 20th year as a professional performer. I can incorporate Dave into the segment and teach him to spin plates, creating mayhem and good television for all to see. I'm funny as hell and polished so get on that phone and give me a call!

Once we get this out of the way I can start hounding Jolie Ancel at The Tonight Show and get some closure to her request for a plate spinner back in 2003!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Prepare to Be Underwhelmed...My Second Business Card!

WOW! Check Out Those KICK-ASS Graphics!

I've been on something of a framing and archiving kick around here lately. It all started with my posting of Random Celebrity Photos & Memories. Somewhere along the line I decided that I should actually go through some of my boxes of old crap and start actually framing or doing SOMETHING with my various photos, programs, and what-nots.

So, in doing the sorting and the opening of boxes I came across this,


Actually this is my second & THIRD business card. I used the same design through two different addresses. Regardless, I haven't shared any juggler/performer memories in some time and I know Kim likes this stuff, so here ya go.

If you've been around long enough you may recall seeing the stellar artistry and utterly lame description of my act when I posted a scan of my FIRST BUSINESS CARD last year. I'd love to say that this "new" card was a vast improvement, and I recall thinking it WAS in fact, a great card at the time. However, in retrospect I am quite certain that this card was, alas, also lame!

This time I was the artist behind the fine graphics represented here. At least twice I drew something for my cards and since I have really no artistic ability, this was certainly a bad idea. Notice how all I have to say about my act is, "CLOWN/JUGGLER". I guess I was so good, that was all you needed to figure out what I did. But DAMN! I sure made room for the graphics and my address! I even had this design turned into stationery and everything. Lord!

I've always been quite bad at keeping up with the reordering of promotional materials. Honestly, sometimes YEARS would go by without a reorder of basic business cards! I always seemed to be out of money when I needed the cards. Being a complete moron, I'd decide to wait for the next gig to get some cash and place an order, forgetting I have OTHER bills to pay. I of course also forgot that I wouldn't be getting any new gigs without any more promo. Next thing ya knew, I'm the manager at a KayBee Toy Store!

I am quite surprised I have any of these cards left. I'm hopeful I'll find one with the previous address on it, not that it matters since the design is the same and I edited the address & phone number out of the scan. For posterity's sake I mean.

I am more than confident that I have no copies of my FOURTH business card anywhere. I have distinct memories of shit-canning the remainder of those cards when I moved. I would LOVE to find out that someone reading this, being an Andy Martello stalker and all, might have a copy of my "Random Juggling & Inspirational Entertainment" issue business card, and would like to send it to me. Somehow I doubt this will happen.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Please Go Away!

What's that smell? If I were being paid to do an ad for SBC Yahoo DSL service I wouldn't complain at all.
However, I'm not making any coin on this. In fact I'm only being annoyed by this ad.

I've no intention of switching to DSL any time soon, thanks to the absolutely shitty service I got the LAST time SBC Yahoo convinced me it was a good time to get DSL. Of course, if that were not my motivation for refusing them then certainly this ad would be.

I'm sure the girl in this ad is a nice person. Were we to meet I may even find her to be something of a babe. Can't tell for sure. All I know is that this photo makes me want to run my fist through the screen every time I see it.

I just can't stand people that look as though their smelling something bad, even when they're not. This is one of those people. Maybe the photo of her isn't that flattering. Maybe I'm just not digging on the near Osmond-like teeth she's got going. Maybe I can't figure out how she can be so happy with SBC Yahoo DSL service unless she never had the month-long nightmare I had. All I know is that this ad pops up so regularly on my mail screen I am confident that I'll NEVER consider switching from dial-up to DSL.

I mean, kudos to whomever this lady is for getting some good work and paying some bills for the photo shoot. I wouldn't want to deny an actress or model her payday. I would just like to see a photo that makes me WANT the girl AND the DSL service. This photo makes me want to run for Prom King or do just about ANYTHING other than call SBC Yahoo and take advantage of their fine offer.

Trying to Decide What to Post

I want to post something, but I'm not all that sure what to post.

I'll probably do another round of Random Celebrity Photos & Memories.

I have some Vegas Brothers shows coming up. Maybe I can mention them.


Anything you want to read about?

Friday, May 06, 2005

I Won't Get Scooped Again!

OK, bloggers, get ready for some hard-hitting news! I have to thank my friend Kellie for sending me this link. Otherwise I'd have missed out on it altogether.

Do I really have to say anything here? Are we all fine with me just posting the link and letting you read the story? I hope so, because I really don't want to have to give a safe sex lecture about fucking penguins!

Of course if anyone wants to read the article and post some fine jokes about this, I'm all ready for that!

Andy Andy on Louie Louie

You People Are Fucking Morons!  Now THAT'S Using Dirty Words! I know that many of you were astonished I had nothing to say about yesterday's news.

A school in Benton Harbor, Michigan banned its student marching band from playing Louie Louie at an upcoming weekend performance because of the supposed dirty lyrics contained within the song.

[SIGH!] Here we go again!

Some background...I have a collection of over 250 versions of Louie Louie and have something of an odd fascination with the song. I have a section of my main website dedicated to the obsession and it is among the most popular Louie-related sites out there.

The reason why I didn't scoop the world about this or even blog about it right away is pretty simple. I was waiting to find out if I was going to go on national television to discuss the issue.

Early in the day, during my daily check of other blogs, I received an e-mail from Brandyn Hull, producer of the MSNBC program "Connected Coast to Coast", with Ron Reagan & Monica Crowley. They were the first folks I was aware of to know anything about the story (later in the day Limbaugh, Yahoo News, and a few other places had covered it). They found my site and figured I was something of an authority on the subject, which I suppose is true.

This particular show is very web-centric. More specifically, it is very blog-centric and it often features news found on blogs throughout the internet. They found my site, saw I had a blog, and we began to chat about the possibility of making an appearance on the show.

Unfortunately, I do not run a Louie Louie Blog, which is what they were really looking for. No TV time for me or my blog. So I did what any good friend would do. I put them in touch with the world's leading expert on all things Louie Louie, Eric Predoehl. Eric has been working on a documentary film about the saga of the famous song and knows more about the song than any living soul, I dare say. Just today he put the first post to an actual Louie Louie blog.

I frantically sent out some e-mails and posted to a Louie Louie newsgroup to get Eric in touch with MSNBC. He also was besieged with many e-mails from friends and other curious Louie folks. Gotta love the instant nature of the net. I figured it could generate some great publicity for him and his film and all that.

Eric spoke with MSNBC and was booked to do the show. Eric, being the generous and well-connected soul that he is, suggested that they talk to Jack Ely, the original lead singer for the Kingsmen, and the famous voice that mumbled through the Kingsmen version of the Richard Berry classic. A great guest for such an unusual topic. Unfortunately, his generosity led MSNBC to the conclusion that they really didn't need two Louie experts for this story and went with Jack Ely alone.

In all, Louie Louie has gotten some amazing press, all because some people in Benton Harbor are too fucking stupid to know that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not dirty at all. They never have been dirty and aside from a few acts that chose to dirty them up (Intense Mutilation, Iggy Pop, to name a couple), the song is about as harmless as a cotton ball hitting you in the head.

Here are some brilliant ironies in this story.

The McCord Middle School decided not to allow the band to play the song because of its dirty content. This was a band performance and did not feature any vocals. That means the tune was banned because of the vocals...Which would not be present anyway. Thanks to my pal, Theo for pointing that one out.

The FBI investigation about the song was conducted and concluded about 40 years ago and the findings are public knowledge, as are the lyrics (Click here to read the actual lyrics as well as many dirty versions people have created over the years). This institution, a place that likely encourages students to do their homework, did not in fact do any homework of their own to find out the song is not one bit obscene. I guess they don't have Google in Benton Harbor.

Rush Limbaugh covered the story and played the song, going over it lyric by lyric to show it has no dirty words. Isn't this fucker supposed to be deaf anyway? How would he know? LOL!

I also had to work yesterday and hadn't the time to chime in on the story, with all the phone calls, e-mails, and other stuff going on. Today, I can look at it and laugh my ass off. So that's my take on this silly mess. People are so willing to believe the myths and rumors before believing the truth. I guess that's why I like to tell so many people I have a HUGE penis and am worth a go-zillion dollars. Sooner or later, somebody will believe it, right?

To find out how YOU can help Eric complete this epic film and bring it to the world please visit...

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Where, Oh Where has Malicious Bitch Gone?

Don't panic, but the Malicious Bitch site seems to be down. I've tried a few times tonight to access the place to no avail.

I'm sure it is some sort of site maintenance thing, but until we know for sure what's up can we all pretend that so many people went over to read my latest article that the site went kablooey?

We can?



Andy Land is ever-growing, much like my waistline and my contempt for society.

Please welcome into the Andy Land family of most excellent blogs...[tympany & fanfare]

Last Girl on Earth
I had actually checked out this link some time back when I found it mentioned at Bud Buckley's blog. Just the other day the lovely and abundantly talented Deni Bonet, contacted me directly after reading Golfwidow's blog. Golfwidow professed the eternal greatness of Andy Land, Deni came here to profess her undying love for my blog, and the rest is history.

This all proves my theory that if someone actually was the last girl on Earth I'd be very attractive.

Anyway, Deni seems to be one HOT and in demand musician out of New York. She's a classically trained violinist that told the classical world to go packing so she could rock out and make the violin cooler than it was when Kansas & ELO had hits a plenty. I'm dying to hear some of her music. Her website is most excellent and she is more than worth your time if you're not already reading her blog.

The Cure for Boredom
Another referral from Golfwidow (I should give her prizes more often!), warcrygirl proclaims to have the cure for boredom right there in her own little blogiverse. I cannot argue with that statement as I've read many posts and have not been bored yet.

The whole site is worth reading if all you do is get to see a few photos of her friend, Incredipete. There's something delightfully NOT right about that man and he does add something special to her blog, if not his own.

Today I checked out warcrygirl's blog, fearing that I might in fact be bored, and found more cute photos of adorable cats than I knew what to do with. Before I knew what hit me, I was indeed NOT bored and her blog saved me. So please stop by and say HI to the lady.

Random Blogwhoring...

Many thanks to Golfwidow for the referrals, Bud Buckley for posting his fan pic at his blog and for lying through his teeth about how cool I am, & the lovely Marjo Moore for sneaking in a blog plug for me today. You should also note that Paul at e-pauly chose to reprint my Hair of the Dog, A Prom Nightmare, at his site (being sure to link to MBC as well!).

Thanks to all of you! If I could squeeze you all into a fine juice, I'd make a bloggy margarita out of all of you!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

How Cool Is THIS!!!

Hi!  I'm Action Hero Man, at your service! Back in October of 2004 I got a request for a signed Andy Martello Collector's Card. Brian Szymanski had read my article, "My Dinner with Gacy" some time back, presumably at Gapers Block, and was moved to check out my website afterwards and contact me.

His original e-mail:

"I had read your story of the John Wayne Gacy Stateville execution and I have to say that I enjoyed it. You were very sincere in your description and I enjoyed your story. I had seen your commemorative card and would definitely like a signed one. Do you have any glossy pics? I always enjoyed clowns as a kid and thought the whole Gacy story destroyed that image until I read your story and how you dispelled the stigma. Thanks for posting this online."

Naturally I was excited to learn that I'd connected with a reader, especially with that article as it is one of my favorites. I found a copy of one of my clown promo pics as well as one of my current, make-up free promo photos and sent them along with my collector's card. I'd never expected to hear back from him.

The other day I received a package in the mail from Brian. I recall he sent me an e-mail letting me know the photos had arrived and that he'd planned on sending me a memento from his job. Of course, that was months ago. Well imagine my surprise when I got the package and saw THESE PHOTOS!

Brian is a superhero for God's sake! He's involved with NASA, into astronaut training, he gives lectures at schools and colleges, and just got back from parabolic weightless flight training on G-Force One! How unbelievably cool is that!

He told me my photos are framed and on his walls next to those of renowned astronauts and other celebs. I am humbled!

Many thanks, Brian! Have safe travels and be sure to bring up some Andy Martello memorabilia onto the Space Shuttle with you one day. At least give me a call if you're going up in space!

I've got a few other photos which I may share later. Very cool of Brian to give me permission to share them with my blog readers. He lives locally so I am hoping we can meet one day. The guy is a walking, talking action figure! I got to meet this guy. LOL! Thanks again, Brian!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I'm Just a Piece of Meat!

I couldn't stop laughing when I stopped by BlogShares on a whim to see how my stock (my blog) is doing.

After several months, it seems that somebody finally bought some shares in Andy Land. Now I know absolutely nothing about the stock market, and I know even less about virtual stock trading. About all I do know is that Broomhilda of Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling seems to have 12 shares of me, while somebody named tuwa has been buying and selling me like crazy (I think).

Since I know nothing about this stuff I have to ask, how's my stock performing for the two investors I'm aware of? Am I making a profit? Am I a good stock. All the charts and stuff seem to indicate I'm doing alright. I just don't know.

I'm assuming Broomhilda will see this and let me know what the story is. I suppose I'll have to check out tuwa's blog, Appetite for Instruction, leave a few comments, and find out what the what is on this one. Maybe we should ALL go check out this blog and see what's goin' on!

Now THAT'S What I Call a Fan Pic!

Oh yeah! Look at that magnificent piece of work! This photo comes to me courtesy of the very talented, Mr. Bud Buckley! Sure there are no penguins or scantily clad women in the photo, but this thing has a lot of HEART, and that's what matters most!

In fact, it appears to me that Bud is standing in or around the back lot of what once was the winter quarters of Ringling Bros Circus, as well as my comedic alma mater, Ringling Bros. Clown College! For no other reason, he gets extra points for that! I mean really, that's effort!

Among the things I like about this photo is that Bud is one hell of master of the art of shameless self-promotion. You may not realize this, but Bud is wearing a hat, a t-shirt promoting his new CD, "Feel My Love" , and holding a copy of the CD next to the sign. THAT'S some fine work! I laugh every time I look at this picture!

Feel His WHAT?  OH!  His Love.  WHEW!What? You were not aware that Bud had a CD for sale? My word! How ever will I rectify this situation? I KNOW! How about if I add a big photo of the cover art from the CD and add a link to where you can listen to samples and then PURCHASE the CD for your own listening pleasure? That sounds like a great idea.

I recently bought a copy myself and I've been listening to it while making this post. It arrived alongside the cool fan pic. What I've heard so far is very good, indeed! I'll give a more thorough review later. Until then check out his site and decide for yourself. You should have a copy of this if you enjoy good, honest music, performed by a sincere and talented man.

When I went to Bud's blog today and saw a great photo-essay about his recent road trip I was quite startled to find that Bud bares a striking resemblance to local radio personality, blues musician, and all-around great guy, Buzz Kilman.

Buzz is currently on WCKG radio here in Chicago reading news and adding his Royal Buzzness to the Steve Dahl show. He also plays a wicked blues harp with my good friend, Jon Spiegel, in The Blues Rocket Scientists.

Bud or Buzz?  You Decide!I've met Buzz on several occasions and spun plates at his birthday party not too long ago. He paid me one of the best compliments I've ever received. His party was filled with some of the most talented people from the music business you'll ever find. Alice Peacock, Cathy Richardson, and many more were on stage playing and singing and making me feel quite small & insignificant. What the hell was a fucking plate spinner doing there, anyway?

After taking the stage Buzz came up to me to tell me how much he enjoyed the act. I told him I had hoped that was what he wanted for the show. He simply laughed and said, "Andy, that's what EVERYBODY should want in their show!"

Now that I see Bud and put him next to Buzz (another musician from Florida) I can only assume that all musicians from Florida are great guys and look exactly alike. LOL!

So Bud, did you want some Penguinis or a Louie Louie CD? I already sent you a collector's card, right? ;)

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