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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

FINALLY! I get to make a living again.

Well that's not quite true. If I ever make a living in this business it would be a welcomed change!

However, this January has been among the S-L-O-W-E-S-T I have had in years. Ridiculously slow. Like three damned bookings all month slow.

Thankfully I've had some money from 2006 gigs coming in, so I haven't starved. It HAS put a huge delay on the marketing push and some other things I'd intended to do.

Well, today I get to start really working again. Two shows in Oak Lawn today, four hours of strolling at the university of Illinois at Chicago tomorrow, gigs the 7th, 8th, & 9th as well as the 11th...It gets much better this month. Not GREAT, but certainly better.

Here's hoping I can really make some headway and get on a roll here. LOTS of things I need to buy for the business, money for a vacation, and cash for an apartment move are all on the agenda.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Would You Like to See Me at Your Local Comedy Club?

Then you should contact the club and request me by name. I can certainly market to a place and do the leg work, which I certainly have done, but when potential paying customers want to see someone it can carry a lot of weight.

Comedy clubs are a strange game, especially if you have an act like mine (one where some can't figure out if you're more comedian than juggler and vice versa). I don't court the comedy club market as much anymore because they don't pay very well and there's about three times the bootie-kissing needed to get those lower-paying gigs. That being said, I love working them and will happily go to one near you, if they ask me.

A phone call is good, and an e-mail is even easier. Plus, you can include my own website link when sending an e-mail to your local club. If they get enough people asking to see me, there's that much more of a chance they'll book me.

Let's go with some clubs local to me. Keep in mind this same plan can work with clubs near you, but not without your help.

Zanies has three locations in Chicago and one in Nashville, TN. Here are the contact pages for all of them.

Zanies, St. Charles
Zanies, Chicago
Zanies, Vernon Hills
Zanies, Nashville

Comedy Comedy is in Aurora, IL and has booked me in the past, but mysteriously, not in some time. They have a contact page and an e-mail address. Drop them a line, please.

The Improv has a new Chicago location and while they're not exactly very Chicago-friendly, they do respond to customer interest. Why not e-mail them, hmmmm?

Barrel of Laughs is in the south Chicago suburbs and is among the longest-running comedy clubs around. I haven't been there in some time. Perhaps you can help change that for me by contacting them.

If any of you do send one or maybe one hundred e-mails on my behalf to a certain location, please let me know so I can back it up with some additional marketing.


Monday, January 29, 2007

Maybe Online Dating Services Aren't So Bad

I could use with some "love" right about now.

This is an actual ad. I found it on MySpace. Fantastic!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Mustard Now, Mustard Later

We must have tried about 75 different mustards, barbecue sauces, glazes, and marinades yesterday. Fantastic fun! Next week, we do it again. Some time in March the winners will be announced. This is a world-wide competition and the tasters at the Mustard Museum are the people deciding the fates of around 350 competitors. Very cool.

Until then, you should get some mustards for yourself. Those of you who say you don't like mustard, clearly have never had any mustard outside of the basic yellow, the basic brown, MAYBE something coarse ground, and maybe some Grey Poupon (because you heard it was the best). Check out the variety offered at the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum and I guarantee you'd find several things suitable to your palate.

That being said, why haven't you listened to Podcrapular yet? Didn't I tell you about this already? ZEESH!

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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Big Silly Fun for Us Today!

We are both off to one of our all-time favorite places on Earth, the Mt. Horeb Mustard Museum. WHY? We've been selected as judges in the Napa Valley Mustard Festival!

That means, we will be among the many folks from around the country to help decide this year's award-winning mustards. Lord knows how this will all work and what mustard will ultimately win the Grand Champion Mustard this year. All I know is that April and I are happy to be able to do two different days worth of fun, friendship, and mustard-tasting!

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Oh Yeah, I'm So Ready!

It's coming soon and I'll be sure to own a copy.

Very sad to see that they opted to make this a video only release. I was looking forward to seeing this one on the big screen. Should be one dark, dirty, funny good time.

Speaking of a dark, dirty, funny good time, the new podcast is up and it is already far too much of a pain in my ass knowing you haven't listened yet. So what if you've only been aware of it for about a second or two? You should have subscribed months ago, making this notice unnecessary. You should be waiting with breathless anticipation for the next one, much the same way I eagerly await the aforementioned smutty penguin flick. You should have told all your friends and family about this show by now and their subsequent e-mail blasts to their friends and family SHOULD have made the show a national, no an INTERNATIONAL sensation that not only amuses, but pays some of our freaking bills. Instead, I must direct you HERE and beg your to listen. SO go! Don't make me say it again.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Fan Pic Bar has Been RAISED!

I've seen a helluvalotta traffic come through here in the last few days. It seems that freebie-seekers and bargain-hunters living in such online communities as,,,, and my personal favorite (cuz they're so nice there!),, among others have been here wondering just how they can get their hands on some of my world famous FREE STUFF!

Not surprisingly, there has been a lot of interest, but not a lot of takers on the offer, which is fine with me (I'm not made of penguins ya know.). See, when you come here for free stuff I ask for something in return. I ask for a fan pic and some pimpin' on my behalf. I even had to go back to that post and clarify further what consists of a fan pic and give a little more explanation of the rules.

Of course, most of the regulars here know that I'm pretty much an old softee on the rules and I usually send out SOMETHING to anyone willing to ask. I did send out a card and a Louie Louie CD to Naomi who posted a nice photo of a penguin along with some links. Not quite a fan pic, but she did tell the world I was kinda cute so...BOOM...Free Stuff!

However, the bar has indeed been raised, ladies & gents. A lovely lady known as Tigers Kitten (or is it "Tigerskitten"?), first contacted me by asking exactly what sort of "scantily clad" fan pics I was looking for, and included some photos. WOO-HOO! I replied that the scantily clad part is really just a bonus and all she really need to do was make a cool fan photo and post it on her blog. Imagine how happy I was when she informed me she was an artist and would do a special custom job just for me!

Here's the ink drawing, sans color.

Here's the finished product!
(I should really consider getting this tattooed on my back.)

Please feel free to head to her blog and tell her how much you enjoyed this special tribute to Andy Land. She's a very cool cat, er-Kitten indeed and she deserves to be in the hierarchy of Andy Land's coolest people. You should also check out her other website (currently going under some redesign) and check out her artwork. I'm sure she's a starving artist like myself and you may just find something appropriate for your wall.

Many thanks Tigers Kitten. Until someone de-thrones you, this will be the fan pic champion of Andy Land!

Monday, January 22, 2007

If I Can't Work, I May As Well Drink & Shoot

So times are unusually slow right now. I'm doing what I can not to go nuts and I certainly am getting as much marketing done as possible considering the circumstances.

That being said, even when things were busy I've needed something to occupy my time that doesn't involve sitting in front of a computer by myself. Well last week I took care of that to a degree. I joined a dart league.

I've been playing darts more regularly ever since I thought I might buy a dart store last year. Even though that didn't pan out, I did meet a new friend who calls me up every so often so we can go out and shoot a round or two. This has been great fun. Not only do I get to enjoy the game of darts again, I get to socialize with someone outside of the blog world and the entertainment world.

With all that came the prospect of playing in a league. I've never given it any thought in the past because most of the leagues play on days where I can all but guarantee I'd be working. No sense in committing myself to a team if I would have to let the team down every week. I also haven't played any sort of "organized" darts in many years because of...Well, there were a lot of assholes out there that made the fun game of darts an overly competitive, tension-filled, pain in my ass. Well, things are slow and I have a little more time right now to give it a try. I've also come to find that many of the steel tip players are a lot more relaxed and enjoy the game as I do.

Having not thrown darts in any sort of "real" competition in a damn long time AND being the new guy at this league, I was actually pretty nervous last week, at my first round. Thankfully I did alright and didn't embarrass myself. I also didn't cripple our team, though I wish I'd have won a couple more of my games.

Every Thursday night for the next 10 weeks or so I hope to be enjoying some tasty beers, meeting new people, making new friends, and playing a game I've loved for many years. Here's hoping I actually improve and get to help my team. We're currently [sigh] tied for last place right now, but there is a lot of time for us to make up ground. We have some very good players.

What have I gotten myself in to? LOL!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Podcasting Q & A

(Pardon the interruption, but I need to say HI to some visitors
who are coming here and not commmenting or anything else.)

ATTENTION visitors!
You're wanting free stuff but you're not taking any time to see the free stuff, read anything here, or even say HI.
No biggie. I'll make it simple for you.
CLICK HERE to go to the "Free Stuff" section of this blog.
CLICK HERE to find out how to get a
Free Souvenir from
my main website.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog post.

Since I started working with Golfwidow on Podcrapular, I've had a few friends and relatives ask me all about how we make the magic happen. OK, nobody has ever used that exact phrase, but it sounds way better than, "Hey, you make that show sound much better than I expected. How the fuck do you do it? You're a total retard, right?"

So here are some of the questions and answers conveniently located in one simple blog post.

Q: Golfwidow's podcast was so good before you showed up. Why did you ruin it?
A: I ruin all good things. Its what I do.

Q: Since you suck so bad, what made you think you could make a podcast in the first place?
A: I didn't. I simply rode the coattails of someone who already had a podcast. She does all the work and I pretend to do all the work.

Q: Are you and Golfwidow sleeping together?
A: No. Not yet. Give it time. She'll crumble eventually. Then I can ruin her too.

Q: I'd have hit that months back, yo. Wait. You haven't boinked her yet? What? Are you a total she-man loser?
A: Yes. Completely. I can't close the deal because we're both married and we've never actually met in person. We live in separate states too. Actually it is almost way better than being married. Good use of the word, "boinked", by the way.

Q: If you've never met, how do you explain your great on-air chemistry? You sound a lot like people who've known each other for years...And subsequently stopped sleeping with each other.
A: We like each other's work and respect our comedic sensibilities. The chemistry thing is a happy accident.

Q: OK, how do you record the thing if you've never met and live in different states.
A: We talk to each other using GoogleTalk, a free IM/Phone call program thingamabob. It's way cool because we can talk for hours without incurring any long distance rates. Then we record our separate halves of the conversation using Audacity, another free software for audio recording & editing. I send my half of the show to her using YouSendIt, a free service for sending massive media files and she edits the stuff together. The intro pieces, SPAM Speak, and other "produced" parts are done whenever we can get to them and placed in the show.

Q: So basically, you and Golfwidow are way fucking cheap bastards.
A: I'm a cheap bastard. She's a cheap bitch. Get your terminology right, fuckwad.

Q: Why do you host & store your show at Podomatic?
A: Oh come on...You can figure this one out.

Q: Because it is free?
A: Yep. You can actually record your own podcast using Podomatic as well. You don't get to add extras like sound effects and music, but if you wanted to just record, store, and broadcast a simple podcast for your blog or for other reasons, Podomatic is as good a place as any to do so.

Q: Why do you have a MySpace page if you think MySpace blows?
A: Golfwidow made me get one. OK, she really signed us up herself. She does all the work and I pretend to do all the work...Remember?

Q: Can I get your show on iTunes?
A: Yep! There's a link on our Podomatic page and you can search for us on iTunes, subscribe, whatever. You can also get us on Google, Yahoo, & Newsgator or just download us from our Podomatic page.

Q: Why do you two swear so much and laugh at dick & pussy jokes?
A: We swear because we're fucking good at it. We laugh at dick & pussy jokes because we're totally immature, just like you, fucknut.

There you have it. All the Podcrapular questions answered. Of course, if you have any others you can feel free to ask them in the comments field of this blog. Better yet, you can e-mail us at You may also wish to visit out MySpace page and ask away there or simply post a comment at our Podomatic page. While you're there, you can record a comment at Podomatic for free or give our VX Mail number (206-350-3352) a call and ask there. LOTS of ways to learn more about Podcrapular. Of course the best way is to listen to the show.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Two Extremely Important Things to Do On a Sunday

Well I'd say that perhaps THE most important thing to do is listen to the latest episode of "Podcrapular" and tell your friends all about it. If you're a fan of Cheap Trick, The Simpsons, or New Zealanders reading beat poetry inspired by SPAM e-mail subject headers, then this is the episode you don't want to miss!

For some people, GOD is the most important thing on a Sunday. If you are one of those fools, uh I mean people, then you simply don't want to miss episode four of "God, Inc. " by Francis Stokes. All told, this series is promising to be among the funniest things you'll ever watch, which is appropriate if you've been listening to the funniest thing you'll ever hear (see above link regarding Podcrapular)

Friday, January 19, 2007

Best Song Ever! Vol. Five "Photograph", By Ringo Starr

"Everytime I see your face
it reminds me of the places we used to go."

I have always had something of a thing for what I call "happy sad songs". That is to say, song that sound fun and uplifting, but are actually kind of sad if you take the time to listen to the lyrics and not just bob your head to the music. "Brown-Eyed Girl" is something of a good example, but I truly prefer the Everclear remake of the song because it brings out MORE of the sadness. I digress.

"Photograph" is among my favorite songs in general, if not on top of the list of favorite happy sad songs. Written by former Beatles, Ringo Starr & George Harrison, this song is often overlooked whenever people are talking about the great songs of our time.

Among the things I like about this song is the simple beauty of its construction and execution. It is a melodic song with easy to remember lyrics in a vocal range most anyone can hit. If you're fans of either George Harrison or Ringo's work, you can see the collaborative effort working so beautifully. Harrison always had a brilliant way of taking the simplest of thoughts and giving them epic meaning. Ringo has always been an easy-going man with a flair for music with a simple message, occasionally played with an epic quality ("Back Door Boogaloo" anyone?). Together they made a truly beautiful masterpiece, illustrating the loss of a lover and how a single photo can spark myriad memories and thoughts.

Of course, as much as I like the song overall, for me, THE ONLY VERSION OF THIS SONG worth playing , especially over & over as I tend to do with my favorite songs, is from the VH1 Storytellers: Ringo Starr album. You simply will not get a better rendition of this song anywhere.

Everything from this performance, from the vocals to the musicianship, and the technical stuff like the sound mixing are stellar. It doesn't hurt that the great Joe Walsh is playing on this CD either.

Ringo Starr and the music he has made over the years are often considered to be something of a joke. It is sad to think that of someone who was a part of something so special and revered in rock music and, essentially, history. He is a funny man with an odd sense of humor that only years of rock living and excess can bring about. That being said, I defy anyone to listen to the VH1 version of "Photograph" and not be moved.

I was fortunate enough to get to see one of the incarnations of Ringo Starr and his All Starr Band a few years back. I am more than hopeful to check it out again because the program is always fantastic. Ringo, surrounded by many other musicians, all playing the songs for which they are best known. Not a bad night out. Even though it was no surprise, when they played "Photograph" on stage, I was nearly in tears I was so happy. It really is the Best Song Ever!

The VH1 Storytellers performance on YouTube.

Photograph sample on Amazon.

Best Song Ever! Vol. Two: "A Life of Illusion", by Joe Walsh
Best Song Ever! Vol. Three: "Asshole", By Denis Leary
Best Song Ever! Vol. Four: "Just a Closer Walk with Thee", By Venice Beach Boys


Thursday, January 18, 2007

My Card

Oh yeah. Check this out. It is here. What is "it?" "IT" is the 2007 collector's card! Once again, here are images of what it looks like.

If you are one of the relatively few Andy Martello collectors out there, drop me an e-mail with your mailing address and I'll happily send you one...or many you want. I'd even sign them for you.

If you're interested in having a copy of my promotional DVD as well I'll send you one as well (to show your friends and potential buyers of course!). As I mentioned before the videos are the same as my last DVD (which is still very new, all told), but there are many new menus, photo slide shows, and so on. Just say the word and you can have your own.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Andy Martello 2007 DVD is DONE! (Sort of)

I still have to edit the newest footage and create on overview video, but the layout, placement, design, all that crap is in there and looking mighty spiffy!

I decided that since the previous DVD isn't all that old, a simple facelift with the new photos and better application of the tools I know how to use would be best for now. That way, I have something I can send out again AND it is something that reflects the new promotional scheme.

The nice thing is that when I get the other videos edited, I won't have to do a whole lot of creating new pages and so on. I can just take out the old and plug in the new. Sure it takes forever to render all that crap, but once the thing is truly finished I can burn multiples quickly.

Now that that is over, I can get to work on the intro for next week's podcast, answer some e-mails, look at more porn...Busy day.

OH YEAH! I actually have a booking today. I'd almost forgotten that I was a professional entertainer. I even have one tomorrow as well. WHEW!

When it rains, it is wet.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Creative Project Mode.

Been working on revamping the promotional DVD for my biz. I edited a whole slew of videos awhile back, but now I have some more recent footage and I have all those new photos. Soon there will be the new brochures and new collector's card, so the DVD has to match the new marketing.

This all means I spend a lot of time sitting in front of the computer. Normally this is nothing new. This time, I'm working...Tirelessly...and being something of an anal retentive person with regard to the creative stuff I put out there to get me more work, this takes me away from providing fun and interesting content here. I know, I know...I never provide fun & interesting content here. Yeah, yeah.

So I should remind you that the newest podcast is waiting for your listening and laughing enjoyment. Even though I can't say why D-Man loses his podcast stream after 32 minutes, I can tell you that it is way funny. I can also say, that if I don't get this DVD a little closer to being finished I may not get our "Previously On..." opener edited together and that would be a catastrophe. So you can see why I'm not taking a whole lot of time to write a new post, right?

Carry on. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Busy. Read This.

Go Here. Click links. Read something there.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Doctor (Who), Max Headroom (who?)

First things first - the latest episode of the weekly podcast with a weakly-growing audience, "Podcrapular!", is up and running. It usually hits the world on Saturdays in case you haven't subscribed to any of the feeds yet. You should definitely listen because we're just damn funny this week and if you missed it, you'd never forgive yourself. Here's the player if you don't want to leave my silly old blog.

Moving on...

God Bless the internet. God bless YouTube (for now). God bless Gordon!

Not only is Gordon this week's winner of the "I'm Podcrapular!" Award, but his latest Doctor Who post led me to a series of blog posts and links, which led me to a video or two on YouTube. The reason I'm so happy is that one of the videos is something I remember watching live as it happened, had it on tape, and then lost the tape somewhere through the years.

Back in November of 1987, I was in Marengo watching an episode of Doctor Who, the same thing I did every Sunday night. Suddenly, the sci-fi staple went away and was replaced with images of what appeared to be Max Headroom, flipping me the bird, bitching about Coke & the Chicago Tribune, and making fun of local sports guy, Chuck Swirsky. The icing on the cake was when the masked madman dropped his drawers and some woman with a fly-swatter spanked his ass. 90 seconds later, the image went back to Doctor Who.

What happened? Well it can all be best explained by the rather excellent articles at Damn Interesting and Wikipedia, but I'll give you a short version.

Somebody pirated the TV signal from WTTW in Chicago. Essentially, the guy had his own transmitter, just enough power, and accurate aim towards the TV's antenna. He briefly overpowered the station and broadcast his rather odd joke. He tried to do the same thing a couple hours earlier during a Bears game but wasn't as successful, only stealing a few short seconds of time.

I saw this and was amazed. It didn't hurt that I already had an odd fascination with Max Headroom, but it was just so bizarre. The next day I tried to tell my friends in Hickville, Illinois and nobody believed me. They were already thinking I was a moron for watching a British sci-fi series which featured monsters made from rubber cement. Throw in some story of mooning, bondage, and the Tribune and they all wanted whatever I was smoking.

Fortunately, the story made national news. It was, after all, a federal offense, and only the second & third time in history someone successfully pirated a TV signal in such a manner. I felt vindicated, but always wished I'd kept the tape.

Thanks to Gordon, who mentioned this incident after reading a post at Bloggity-Blog-Blog, who only made mention of it because she read about it at Damn Interesting. Were it not for the internet, Gordon, Bloggity-Blog-Blog, & Damn Interesting, I'd have never found the videos of BOTH the Pirate Incident and the CBS Evening News Story covering the case on YouTube.


As you can see I went ahead and embedded the aforementioned videos in this post for your convenience. However you really should check out all the site links for some better info about this odd memory from 1987. You should also congratulate Gordon on being so damned PODCRAPULAR!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Best Song Ever! Vol. Four: "Just a Closer Walk with Thee", By Venice Beach Boys

"I am weak but thou art strong."

I like songs for many reasons. Most of the time it has more to do with how the song sounds and how it makes me feel as opposed to the content or the meaning of the lyrics.

I am not a terribly religious person, but this song has always been among my favorite devotional hymns. When it is performed by the Venice Beach Boys, it is the Best Song Ever!

I've always liked this song. If you simply have to have some sort of Jesus-lovin' devotional tune blaring in your head, at a church, when you'd rather be home watching the game, this is THE song to have playing. It is respectful, but not all too
"churchy" for my tastes. It has always been more of a contemporary song than a hymn in my opinion. Plus, this is among the relatively few catchy religious tunes that also lends itself beautifully to some swingin' arrangements by New Orleans bands, blues musicians & kickin' gospel groups.

So far as I know this is only found on the soundtrack for the film, "White Men Can't Jump". CLICK HERE TO HEAR A SAMPLE AT AMAZON.COM. I've not found a whole lot of other music by the group nor many other mentions of this group outside of this soundtrack. For all I know, this group was assembled simply to perform the song during the opening sequence of the film and that's about it. No matter, this version of the song ROCKS!

Simple instrumentation moves the song along in the form of guitar and a brushed snare drum, but it is the outstanding vocals that makes this so memorable. Only the first two verses of the song are used, and there are elements of doo-wop & swing. You see the Venice Beach Boys performing this a bit on screen and in both the visual performance and on the audio track you get the feeling that these guys are life-long friends who have gotten together to sing cool tunes on a street corner for years. It is filled with fun, excitement, and inspiration.

You can listen to their version of the song even if you've got no religious thoughts in your head whatsoever. If you somehow can't get past the Jesus connection, you simply can't argue the quality, especially if you are a fan of music performed to perfection.

In his younger days, my dad used to sing with a group called the Town Criers (at least I think that was the name). Somewhere there exists a great black & white photo of the group in their white tuxedos and with their instruments. Dad used to fake playing the bass violin and looked cool doing it. He couldn't play a note but he could sing damn well.

He used to sing this song every so often, just because he liked the tune and it made him feel good. He told me stories of how the group would, upon occasion, break into the song with his best friend, Bruce playing clarinet. They'd start off slowly, as if at church and then break into some swingin' version of the song. He always talked about what fun he had with this song and others like it. When I hear the Venice Beach Boys singing this song I often imagine my dad singing with his friend, pretending to play bass, and having a ball.

I wonder if this version is a little like what they played. Even if it isn't similar at all, the Venice Beach Boys' recording of "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" is the Best Song Ever! What the hell, today is Sunday, right?

Best Song Ever! Vol. Two: "A Life of Illusion", by Joe Walsh
Best Song Ever! Vol. Three: "Asshole", By Denis Leary


Friday, January 12, 2007

Some Penguini History

I found what turned out to be the last of the Flying Penguinis in all the world a few years back, bought them all up, and distributed them across the land. As you know, I used to send out Flying Penguini Juggling Kits to people who would take fan pics and send them to me. I also sold a few at shows and the like. You may be thinking that this will be a post about how many those people who have received the precious gift of the Flying Penguinis no longer play around here and have crushed my fragile ego, but you'd be wrong.

Finding those kits was a dream come true for me because not only were they an item that fit in well with my marketing scheme at the time, but they were an item I'd wanted to own since I was about 14 or 15 years old and never could afford. They were never in my budget as a kid and by the time I could afford them they were no longer in production. Being able to buy hundreds of little Penguinis all those many years later was pretty damn cool.

Now that they're gone I find myself reminiscing about the little buggers again.

I'm working on selling a lot of things on eBay. Not the least of which are issues of Juggler's World Magazine from my personal collection. While taking a stroll down memory lane and leafing through the magazines for the auction listing, I came across an ad from the Summer 1985 issue for the Flying Penguini Juggling Kit.

Seems only appropriate that I snag a scan and share with the class.

Given that I have sent so many of these all across the world, this ad seems very fitting. You can check out many of the greatest Penguini photos by checking out the Penguini Posse. While you're at it, why not visit their blogs and bug the hell out of them to stop by and visit! Heh!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Seriously...Listen Up, Hollywood!

I know that you can't seem to come up with an original idea and therefore, you MUST make a billion clones of a good thing for fear that the next good thing isn't any good at all. I get it. We're all stupid. Way dumber than you are. in fact we're more dubmer than you are (note the poor grammar, the misspelling, and lack of proper capitalization...dumber).

That being said, EVERY damn "talent" show you come up with, every reality program where someone is competing for something and subjected to the will of an "expert" panel, those shows do not all have to...

A) have the panel in the first place B) feature one asshole (likely foreign, probably British), one ethnic guy, and one nice person C) involve singing and/or dancing D) make people call in to decide the fate

Really. We get it. American Idol makes a lot of money. All other similar shows need not necessarily be exactly like that one program.

Yes, the new show where people pick the next stars of "Grease" on Broadway is total genius. It copies American Idol in every way AND it caters to the fetish market of sad, pathetic women who love reality shows and can't seem to break free from the stereotype by hating "Grease". I don't care. You could have made this show without making it the same as every other show out there.

By the way, what is it with chicks and "Grease" anyway? I really need to know. It's like the tides it is so predictable. Women love "Grease" and they all pretend they're as cool as Rizzo but in reality are as annoying as Frenchie and as pathetically boring as Sandy.

So someone out there, fess up. Is there some sort of meeting you attend when you're about 8 years old, presumably in school just before the talk about your changing bodies, where you are told about your insane love for this musical? Are you issued a copy of the soundtrack and DVD along with the doctrine explaining that you must all show equally illogical love for "Brown Eyed Girl", "I Will Survive" and Oprah Winfrey? I just gotta know.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

God, Inc. Episode 3

Well he went and put up episode 3 of "God, Inc." so who am I not to pimp it out? After you've watched it, why not say HI to Frank Stokes and tell him how freaking funny it is. Then tell him he needs to remember to get me loads of Hollywood movie work or something someday.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

God, Inc. Episode 2

Just pimpin' my homies. Here's Episode 2 of the very funny series, recently featured on the front page of, "God, Inc." by Francis Stokes.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Ten Things Tuesday: New York City Odors that Don't Make the Headlines

  • Something Armenian, likely food, but nobody knows.
  • Al Roker
  • Rat sweat
  • Something known only as "The Limbaugh"
  • Joe Franklin's hair gel
  • The set of the Robin Byrd Show
  • The Statue of Liberty's armpit
  • Pungent aroma leftover from the New Year's celebration (of course that could just be Dick Clark)
  • Something Ed Koch left "off Broadway"
  • Whatever is inside a pigeon's stomach, probably some of that shitty pizza and hepatitis hot dogs they sell there

Sunday, January 07, 2007

To Spend Or Not to Spend

Once again, things around here are FAR TOO SLOW for my tastes. I have some cash to get by and there are a FEW (quite actually, a few) bookings in January, but all this seems to be a bad sign for 2007.

January is rarely a gangbuster month, but it is even more rare that my first real booking is the 18th of the month. Things are bad...AGAIN!

Now I'm trying to keep busy in spite of the inexplicable bad times. E-mails to agencies, getting ready to work on some newer footage for a DVD, and of course, there's the real marketing I have to do.

I'm still quite flush with my "old" Andy Martello brochures and marketing materials. However, I've got three new brochures all designed and ready to print. Click on the images for a larger view. I want to send THOSE out instead of sending out the same crap to the same, and even to the new people. Unfortunately, I don't have them printed and may not be able to do so, given the current downward trend.

To print all three, which is ideal if I want to make a real splash and indicate that there's something NEW in Andy Land, will cost me $1,200.00 for 1000 of each. I could do these brochures one at a time ($400.00 each) and get the rest when the cash is there to spend. I suppose it would provide me an opportunity to get three different pieces of promo into the hands of potential buyers at three different times during the year, which isn't so bad. I just really wanted to have all three ready to go.

Now I have some money saved up, but with the impending move come spring and the fact that we're GOING to take a vacation in April even if we have to ride as stow-aways on the plane, I'm hesitant to tap into my savings. The savings is for emergencies and for the occasional bit of fun. I busted my ass last year to save the cash I have and I want to double that or more this year, assuming anyone wants to freaking hire me.

Oh yeah, I still have to pay bills every month, all month.

I suppose I'll do the three-part marketing push instead of the big splash, if I do anything at all. I just wish that something would give a little and the gigs would come in at a "normal" pace again. I mean, if I can enjoy the same freakishly busy summer this year that I did last year I wouldn't complain too much, right? Shame I'll be out on the street by the end of this month.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Did I Forget to Mention...

...My present from my younger brother this year, a way cool Lansing Lugnuts jersey, came wrapped in this penguin paper?

I apologize for the error.

Of course, forgetting the wrapping paper isn't nearly as unforgivable as forgetting to mention...


I know. I'm far too cool to be seen with the likes of you. I let you hang with me because I'm just that nice of a guy.


The latest & greatest Podcrapular is ready for your immediate enjoyment. I'd listen if I were you. Your very life may depend upon it.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Podcrapular Promos

So with the creation of a podcast, like Podcrapular, comes the need to promote said podcast. There are all kinds of podcast directory sites just as there are for blogs and the mighty Golfwidow has been doing a lot of work finding those places and getting us listed. I know...I'm a total slacker and I should do more of my fair share of the heavy lifting. Ahh, but I do SOMETHING other than prattle on the phone with her and then subject you to even more prattling.

I've been creating the
"Previously On Podcrapular" segments that are featured at the beginning of our shows. I'd offer you a link to listen to one but all you have to do is listen to the first few minutes of the show to know what I mean.

I also have been given the task of creating 30 to 60-second commercials for our show. Like any radio show, you need little teasers to try and convince people to listen. Plus, many of the sites we're listing our show on want us to have a small promo in our profile listing and who are we to say no, right?

Since we can always use more listeners and our blogs are really the only way we snag the majority of our audience (for now), I thought I'd toss out a few links here and you can listen to the promos I've come up with so far. Believe me, they're way funnier than most of the promos I've heard for other shows, so I'm mighty proud of them. So proud, I have no problem telling you that if you want to add them to your blog to help spread the word, the Podcrapular Gods will smile upon you. OK, nothing cool will happen, but you can still post them or upload them to your own server if you want to do so. At the very least you can listen to them and humor me by telling me how damn funny they sound.

You may want to "Right Click & Save Target As" or "Save Link As" and listen to them at your leisure or save them forever. You can also just click the links. Hit your back button to come back here and listen to them all. OOH, open them in a separate window if you want. Options. We all like options.

Teaser #1:
"Golfwidow's Mom Doesn't Like It"
60 seconds, 1 mb

Teaser #2:
"The Porn Teaser"
30 seconds, .5 mb

Teaser #3:
"Xena, Warrior Princess Teaser"
30 seconds, .5 mb

Teaser #4:
"We're Screwed!"
30 seconds, .5 mb

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Holiday Penguin Recap

When you are known for enjoying penguins it follows that people will send you various penguin items, especially during the holidays. Thankfully, most of my friends know that just ANY penguin item will NOT do and therefore they tend not to overload me with penguins, but will opt to send a lovely penguin card instead. That is always acceptable in my book because A) The thought is lovely, and B) I throw away cards after the holidays (Sorry kids. I'm not that sentimental).

Since the holidays are now over and you are al clamoring for something to cheer you up (why the hell would you come here for that?) I thought I'd share the penguin cards and other items that arrived in my home this holiday season.

First off are some of the newest additions to the family. Here we have a silly rubber penguin. It was part of a bigger gift. Behind him are three hand-carved soapstone penguins I purchased Tuesday (in our post New Year's celebration) when April and I went to the Lizzadro Museum of Lapidary Art. Incidentally, this museum is just breathtaking. Beautiful stuff there and a steal at four bucks for admission. You can't see the detail or the colors well with my little digital snapshot, but you get the idea.

Next we have some penguin pajamas which were sent to me by my Older, Wiser Brother. I already had a pair of these, but I was wanting to buy one or two more as I tend to get a few pairs of penguin jammies when I see them. That way I'll have them much longer then if I had a single pair. So it was a funny gift to open on Christmas and very appropriate. As you know, I already have quite a few penguin jammies, but you can never have too many, right?

On Christmas Day, Christine sent me a link to a story about penguins marching their way to the Golden Globes.

No good penguin-related post would be complete without a mention of the mighty Golfwidow. She sent this lovely card to EVERYONE SHE KNOWS. Ok, so I'm not special. She, of course felt it necessary to tell me that everyone got this card so I share that tidbit with you now. Meh, at least the card is way cool, right?

Two cards came from relatively "new" sources this year. The card on the left came from Mike, my newest friend. We met because of the whole dart store thing and have been meeting regularly to play ever since. Great fun. The one on the right came from Andy, April's cousin (short for Andrea) and her new hubby, Charlie. These are both cool cards, indeed.

The next two cards came from ladies named Sue.

This one came from my mother-in-law, Sue. This is a rather adorable card to be sure. However, as with many great things, it's what's inside that counts. Take note of the penguin in the middle. That penguin is also featured inside the card. Since Sue has rather a good sense of humor she thought it necessary to mention a little something about that penguin's "deformity".

We laughed at that for a few days.

Finally we come to Sue from The Torn Pages.

Sue sent me a lovely card, a stuffed penguin, and a cute penguin ornament, all in a penguin gift bag.

The cool ornament is a city scene painted on glass. Inside the glass is a penguin with a snowman. It is almost too cute in that Christmas kind of way. I liked it because it had glitter on it. Most of our ornaments are relatively glitter-free and that's just not right. ;)

I think she wants me to come to Iowa and shuck her corn. Either way, it was a most excellent surprise and it made me smile.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I'm Plagued By Internet Connection Problems Lately

Just enjoy this image, certain to make the geeks of the world way happy.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Ten Things Tuesday: Post New Year's Activities

  • Refill your prescription for Prozac now that you're faced with the harsh reality that "The Holidays" cover up and end with "WINTER"
  • Try to find your pants. They're probably with your car, which is also missing.
  • Take inventory of fingers and toes. Always a good practice after any heavy-drinking holiday.
  • Thank God that Gerald Ford died in order to provide you a 4 day weekend with that "National Day of Mourning" crap (Government employees only).
  • Petition U.S. Government. Try to get National Day of Mourning for James Brown.
  • Call in sick from work (All non governmental employees).
  • Replay TIVO recording of "Rockin' New Year's Eve" to see how good Dick Clark looked.
  • Call up friends and talk about how good Dick Clark looked the other night.
  • Call friends back. Explain that you were too drunk (or too hung over ) when you initially called. Explain that the good looking man was Ryan Seacrest.
  • Call friends again. Explain that you are so not gay for thinking Ryan Seacrest looked good.