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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Too Tired. Too Worried About Money. Too Much "BLAH" to Post.

So enjoy this timely and timeless (re)post from yours truly about Halloween costumes.

Please feel free to repost the link to this often.
I need someone (
other than myself) to think I'm one funny mofo.

Halloween is Coming!
What's that? You Only Have One, Maybe Two Suits in Your Closet?
Here are 10 Different Halloween Costumes
YOU CAN CREATE Using Your Old Suits.


Black Suit, Skinny Tie, Sunglasses, a Handgun

& Three or Four Friends Dressed the Same =

A Reservoir Dog


Same Outfit as Before, "Space Age" Handgun
& Only Two Guys (One Being Black) =

A Man in Black


Same Outfit,
Black Hat, White Socks & No Handgun =

A Blues Brother
(This one works without a second person
but only if you have the hat.

Otherwise people think you're one of the
other characters with no friends)


Same Outfit, Slightly Different Hat,

Long Beard & Curls,
No Tie & No Sunglasses =

Hasidic Jews
(Really, don't use this one as a Halloween costume.
I've no doubt that someone will take offense.
No sense of humor regarding fashion or Pagan holidays.
In fact, I'm probably going to Hell just for
putting the idea into your head)


Same Outfit (Jacket Optional),

Straw Hat (if Preferred),
Blue, Gray, or White Shirt,
Vest & Suspenders, NO Curls =

Amish Farmer
(Go ahead and wear this one.
It's really unlikely you and some Amish farmer
will be attending the same party.
An upside to this one is that if you get
enough friends to wear the same costume,

you can build the barn where you'll have the party.)


Same Outfit,
Shorter Beard,
Formal Coat, Vest & Bowtie,
Tall Black Top Hat (Optional) =

Abe Lincoln
(If you're a real asshole, put a big red hole
on the front of your head with some blood dripping down.
It is, after all, Halloween.)


Modern Suit & Tie,
NO Beard,
Better Hair,

Same Public Office =

John F. Kennedy
(Sure, you can reuse the bullet hole joke with this one.
Wear the Lincoln Costume one year and the Kennedy one the next
and people will marvel at how similar your costumes are.
You can even add a pointing gesture
to look like you're campaigning!)


Same Suit,
Lighter hair (Same Style)
Same Public Office,
No Hole =

Bill Clinton
(Well, not the SAME hole.)

LOOK! He's got a point too!)


Same Suit,
Similar Hair,
Same Public Office,

A Retarded Monkey
(Although it is clear he HAS a hole in his head.)


And for the Ladies...

Here's a Suit You Can Wear.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Another Crappy Video? Why Not!

Since you liked my awful dog-washing video so much I thought I'd share my first Windows Movie Maker project as well. This one is replete with songs I've got no permission to use and far too many captions and effects. is just another typical Andy Martello production.

The footage was taken from a cable show I was on called, "The Matt Kissane Show" and I was basically testing out lots of the doohickeys in the program to see if it would be suitable for future use to make promotional videos (like my first plate-spinning promo).

The Louie Louie fans out there will recognize the tune-age. The Rick Springfield fans will wonder where I got that photo (I took it at a show). The Andy Martello fans will wonder why two of my "comedy" videos feature Rick Springfield references (or maybe they'll just think I'm gay).

No matter what you think, here's
"Too Much Time"

Sunday, October 21, 2007

My Id Thinks I Should Show You My I.D.

Out with the old...

...In with the NEW!

Yep. I finally broke down and got the new license. I even made certain to register to vote out here. Can jury duty be far behind?

The photo would have been better if the damn person would have snapped the picture right after telling me to smile. fresh face. just me looking like I'm trying not to hear something embarrassing. Ah well.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Viva Laughlin

No, I'm not talking about the TV program. I missed the debut. I was intrigued, but I don't mind missing it too much. I don't quite understand why Laughlin, a town best known for appealing to people who like the Vegas feeling without all the crowds, crime, and other stuff. "Look, folks! People get killed and sin their asses off in LAUGHLIN too!"

Anyway, this is actually a gig announcement. See below (C
lick the pic for a larger image).

That's right! Andy Martello is playing the passive aggressive gambling capital of the world, Laughlin, Nevada! If you live anywhere near Laughlin or are planning on going out there between November 5th and November 10th you can see ME at the Comedy Shop, located inside the beautiful River Palms Resort & Casino.

Yeah, I know I'm only the opener, but it will still be lots of fun AND it represents another booking I can pimp out to the agencies and so on. If I show them I'm personable, professional, and most importantly - BOOKABLE it may help grease the wheels a bit.

This was actually the first gig I had when i got to town. It just took FOREVER to get the details worked out. Long story. I was originally slated to be the headliner (seriously...I'm not trying to pad this or anything), but I think since I'm so new around here it was decided to put me in as host and see how the crowd & casino reacts. No biggie. The pay is way better than most (ALL) non-casino comedy clubs and I can shuttle back and forth to make cash at my day job during that week as well.

I've set my goals to try and snag at least ONE gig a month. More would be better, but I need that ONE gig to not only maintain my sanity and hope for a better future, but to help offset some of the costs and ease the financial pain of not exactly having a great-paying day job. I actually picked up something locally for December as well so this strategy may work out.

Truthfully if I could get to work this casino in Laughlin once a month I'd be a happy guy. We'll see.

Rumor has it Julie may be able to attend this show. Perhaps I can get other area bloggers out there for some fun. I'll keep you posted.

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Friday, October 19, 2007

New Podcrapular is Up

Go listen.

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Washing Class Dog

OK, I wasn't ever really planning on uploading this video. It does feature a song I don't really have any permission to use and it is kind of rude. I'm fairly certain my friends and family will understand, if not fully appreciate the stupid humor behind this, my first time using video editing software.

Back in 2002 my younger brother was visiting for Christmas. he'd only recently started using video editing software himself as part of his teaching requirements at his new school. He had the free version of iMovie (or maybe it was some cheap version of Final Cut...I don't remember) on his laptop computer. I had some free time to kill. That dangerous combination provided the following waste of time called, "Washing Class Dog".

I was actually really enjoying how much fun editing the video was for me, even if it was (and still is) a very time-consuming task. This project could also be called, "Fun with iMovie Tutorials" because all of the footage was taken from the 30 seconds worth of material provided to use as a tutorial. CLEARLY, I shouldn't be allowed to have access to this kind of stuff.

The picture is kind of grainy because I didn't have a camera or anything cables to export the damned this to my computer at the time. Then it took a few years to get this back from my brother. After that I had only a shitty VCR and still no decent way of transferring the Mini DV footage to my hard drive. Ah well, a better picture wouldn't make this any less of a waste of time or any better of a movie.

That being said, it still makes me laugh and still makes April roll her eyes when I try to act proud, as if this was some great piece of art. It is filled with inside jokes and awful captions so how can it be all bad, right?

Besides, I have nothing important to post and whenever that happens, you get the benefit of my insanity.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I Got Nuthin'.

I got nuthin' of any substance to talk about today.

But I do have some SPAM with Bacon
in my fridge!

Leave it to Hormel to come up with pork, laced with bacon.



Monday, October 15, 2007

So Far...

After three days working at the Houdini's location at the Venetian I am pretty happy with the move. It is a higher volume store and considerably busier all around. That works out well for me because when I'm busy selling, restocking, or whatever the time goes by faster and I have a bit more fun. It is also nice because the sales bonuses are more of a possibility as opposed to the MGM location, where they were more of a theoretical concept.

I do miss the folks I worked with at the MGM, but I have all their numbers and will surely see them again. The folks I've been working with now have all been very friendly and extremely
welcoming to me and that is a very pleasant happening indeed. Some of the things people warned me about haven't quite happened (yet) and some of the situations to watch out for may or may not have been exaggerated. I reserve full judgment on the people and the place until I have further info. Plus, I'll get a better feel for how much "fun" I am really having when the next gig pops up and I can see how the scheduling and other factors work out. More on that next gig soon.

I did have a lot of fun on Sunday. I was fortunate enough to meet and speak to long-time favorite comedian, Wayne Cotter. I'd actually met him many years back on my first real trip to Las Vegas when I saw him headline at the Riviera. I only got to speak with him briefly after the show then. Today brought about a nice chance encounter and a pleasant conversation. I'm hopeful we get to meet again somewhere down the road.

The money woes are far from over and the proverbial shit may hit the fan some time soon. At least for now I feel a bit more relaxed about the whole situation.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

All the News That's Fit to Pip

Let's try and keep you all up to date on things.

First off, my recent trip to West Virginia to open for the lovely and talented Gladys Knight was a most excellent trip. The show went very well. The check cleared. I met some great new performers. I made some promising contacts. I had a blast watching the legend mesmerize a crowd.

My nerves subsided rather quickly after arriving there as I got back into showbiz mode almost immediately. the on stage Andy did what he does best and everyone, including myself, seemed very happy with the performance.

I did not get to meet Gladys, but I was within "spitting distance" of her, which was fine with me. Truthfully, it was just an honor to work on the same stage as such a classy and established performer.

I did met her brother (and original Pip), "Bubba" Knight and he was a most entertaining fellow to be around. We had some great laughs before and after the show and I was very happy to have met him.

There's certainly more to the tale of my West Virginia excursion, but I'll force you to wait for the next podcast (Available soon. Get caught up NOW) to hear those details. Gotta leave the audience wanting more, right?

The powers that be at Houdini's have sent me to the higher volume store at The Venetian. Things at the MGM were getting "interesting" to say the least (and that's about all I'll say for now) and even though I'll miss the folks at the MGM, I am hopeful that the move down the strip will be somewhat shit-free. I'm reserving judgment for now. I was warned about quite a few things that could go on there and I tread cautiously. My first day there was fun and uneventful in the "piss off Andy" kind of way so that is good. We'll see what tomorrow will bring.

There are whispers about the store (or the owners) suddenly not being so receptive and flexible to my needs if gigs arise. I don't want that to happen as I would have to remind them that the entertainment thing is my "career" and the Houdini's thing is my "job". If they want all that to change they have to offer me way more than what they are now. I give them plenty of advance notice about my gigs. I always work hard and sell hard when I'm there (making them money). Plus, in most instances, all that is required is a minor schedule change, possibly my leaving a hour early (when there's still ample coverage at the store), or switching shifts with someone.

I swear, it is so ridiculous to think that I would have to encounter any of this kind of crap when the majority of people working at those stores are...entertainers. I mean, really...all of the day jobs I've had over the years (including the full-time retail management jobs at stores with TEN TIMES THE VOLUME OF THESE PLACES) are jobs I held while being an entertainer as well.

No crap to report at this time, but I'll keep you posted if something craptacular at the magic shop does come up.

Still working on getting an interview at the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel. Hoping to work in their office as well as an entertainer for them. Squeaky wheel tactics are needed I guess.

and I recorded a new podcast and it should be up soon. We'll keep you posted.

More later. Must sleep now.

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Off to West Virginia

Well, I'm off to Washington D.C. and then driving about 4 hours to my destination in West Virginia. Not sure why they chose that route for me, but so long as I'm not renting the car I'm fine with it all.

Believe it or not I'm actually nervous about this show. This has nothing to do with looking bad in front of Gladys Knight or anything. It has more to do with my not being on stage since some time this past August.

I'm nervous because I've felt so bloody awful about not being able to generate any work that when I finally do get a gig, I could royally suck. Worse, I could feel so elated and alive that I'll miss not working on stage even more than I do right now. Either way it makes me nervous, anxious, and desperate for some good to come from this move to Vegas.

A lot of things have not been resolved. Many private issues still need to be dealt with and some dreadful financial woes are looming in the distance. It doesn't help that I have two bills due today (bills I pay on the due date in person at the bank) but the fucking holiday prevents me from paying early on line or in person. Late fees. Great. Just what I need if I want to buy this fucking house some day.

Work (magic shop) is becoming a tad more "interesting" with the arrival of a new manager. I'd have thrown my hat in the ring since I've got more retail management (and more performance experience) than most everyone in the company, but I'm not all that eager to take the reins, own a set of keys, and deal with the headaches that come with the modest pay increase. plus, they didn't offer me the job. I am still very new there.

I SHOULD have an interview at the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel later this week if all goes well. That could be great because I can work in the office and as a performer. There could be some flexibility and opportunity for bigger and better things. I was supposed to go for the interview Monday (today) but I'm on a plane, as you know. Let's see if they remember that we were supposed to chat when I call them this week. Let's hope even more that they like me and can hire me at a good rate. The magic shop gig just may get far too bullshitty in the very near future.

Again, this gig finds me overly angst-ridden. Am I rusty? Will this be my last gig for another few months? Will I ever work again as much as I once did? Will I do a great job and still not go over? This is all crap I NEVER thought I'd worry about again. I don't get nervous before most shows because I did so many for such a wide array of audiences (and did them WELL) I just take the stage and swing for the fences. Now...I'm scared.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

A Most Podcrapular Day to You All!

It has been far too long since I've been able to say this to you.

Click here to get your own player.

The new podcast is up and running!

That's right, kiddies! Podcrapular is BACK! Lord knows for how long though, so listen up while you can. Here are a few things to remember.

Since it has been so darned long since we had any podcasting activity, our call-in phone line has crapped out. Don't call there to tell us how much you love us.

We still have a MySpace Page and you can certainly leave comments, listen to the show, whatever all right there.

You may also send e-mail messages to I can't promise we'll answer them, but I can promise that we might read them.

We now have a "producer". Josh, our hearty and able-bodied co-host during the absence of Andy has signed on to do whatever a producer does. All I know is that Golfwidow has considerably less time to edit the show together and I believe that Josh has resolved that issue nicely for her. Plus, he's very funny and offers some fresh ideas to the whole thing. YAY, Josh!

We also have a "sponsor". I put "sponsor" in quotes because we don't have any real money from the "sponsor" to speak of, but "sponsor" sounds much nicer than "friend or family member who has a cool new product to share". Check out Spori-Clean at to learn more or just look at this snazzy new ad.

We also spend a lot of time talking about the bloggers we've met, the friends we care about, and the people who deserve a little more linky-love in general. Here's a list of folks mentioned prominently on your ridiculous program.

So there you go. Lots to occupy your time while I'm away in West Virginia spinning plates and possibly snapping a photo with Gladys Knight. I haven't performed a live show in so damned long I'm actually nervous about this one. I am really missing being a full-time entertainer. Someday...maybe.

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Saturday, October 06, 2007

So You Like Disaster Movies?

Many folks have gone to check out my little video clip taken the night our apartment was destroyed. So far, everyone has enjoyed the humorous take on things all while appreciating the true horror of the moment and I think that was what I had in mind. I fully expect that someone will find this and get pissed at me for making light of the situation but here are a few things to consider.

  1. For me I had no idea how severe it all was until later that evening (well into the morning). I was on the second floor and I really didn't know the full extent of the emergency. When the Red Cross was there I kind of knew it was "a disaster", but it wasn't until the next morning when we REALLY knew what had happened. Something about phone calls from friends and relatives watching our apartment on CNN and The Weather Channel tipped us off.
  2. Surprisingly, even with the storm destroying the building as it did, the lights and electricity did not go off. Not even a flicker in my apartment. The phones even worked perfectly. Generally I always believed that if a building is wiped out completely, the electricity wouldn't be functioning normally. How was I to know how bad it all was?
  3. I didn't even see news footage or photos of the full disaster until well into the next day. In fact it was the following night before I'd seen any of the coverage on TV.
So you can see if you add that to the fact that, ultimately, nobody was severely hurt, I am more than capable (if not well within my rights) to make lemonade out of shit-load of lemons.

Speaking of news footage, I do not have any newspaper articles from the disaster. I also never went back and took any photos of the aftermath. If anyone from Carol Stream has such things I'd welcome a scan or two.

Until then, here are some of the still-existing links to various news sources from that fateful night for you to better appreciates the fun we all enjoyed.

From CBS 2 news Chicago, a video of the story (let the stupid Maui ad play first) and a great little slide show that better illustrates the disaster. One photo prominently features our balcony.

A local Chicago paper not only reported on the storm (much better than I did I might add), but also provided a weather map detailing the storm activity from 9:49PM through 9:55 PM. If I can manage to get the link right I may be able to share that map here.
Ah YES! Here it is!

The Chicago ABC station (Channel 7) has this excellent story with a MUCH BETTER video from the big day. Their slide show truly captures some devastation well. Be sure to look at how the building looks more like a doll house than an actual apartment. Funny how a chunk of roof makes a house a home.

Here are stories from the Daily Herald and The Beacon News. No photos or videos for you.

There may be more out there online. For now, I hope you enjoy these clips and images. They're nowhere near as funny as my video is. ;)

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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

No Work In Vegas, But...

This upcoming gig in West Virginia isn't too shabby.
Click the photo to enlarge.
Near as I figure, if you only get ONE gig during the month of October it should be a big corporate gig that pays pretty well AND allows you the chance to open for a legend like Gladys Knight.

The ink is finally dry and the plane tickets have been purchased (by the client, of course) and I can now say that I've got one cool gig to announce.

This one won't exactly allow me the luxury of getting caught up financially, but it does bring me about 1/2 inch closer.

More importantly I have something good to add on to my marketing mailers to the numerous agencies and entertainment bureaus right now. The above image is actually a small flier going out along with a copy of my brochure. On the front of the envelope it mentions the upcoming gig and has a little slogan afterwards which reads, "Is Andy On Your Entertainment Roster? Request a Press Kit TODAY!"

Things like this actually do help somewhat when trying to break in with new companies. This not only shows that I am a bookable act, but I am also one worthy of some big accounts and high-dollar bookings (which means big commissions to the agents). Those companies who actually READ their incoming mail (sadly, most do not) may be that much more likely to book me when they see I've got a supporting appearance with a major headliner once they see this mailer.

Keeping fingers crossed it all works. I'm also hopeful to have a pleasant Random Celebrity Memory or Photo to share after it is all said and done.

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