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Friday, June 29, 2007

What Do You Think About...The MUSICAL SAW???

It has been FAR too long since I added something new to the show. Aside from the written comedy, I haven't added much to the show in a long time. Part of that has to do with simple complacency. Mostly it has to do with the fact that living in apartments did not allow me a lot of space to work out new routines nor practice.

Now that I'm in the house with lots of room I can jump-start my stale old ass and work on some of the things I've always wanted o do.

Tops on that list is learning how to play the musical saw. I'm a sucker for oddball vaudeville acts. If they are more of the portable variety then all the better for me.

I've always wanted to work this out as I not only have some performance ideas that could make me seem somewhat "revolutionary" in the musical saw world, but I know I've got a wide assortment of comedy routines I can bring to the mix.

The only problem is hat I presently don't know how to play one. Searching online I have found a few different options for where to purchase a well-made saw, but I've been assured that learning the basics take a relatively minuscule amount of time. I'm sure that getting up to performance level will take a lot of practice, but I'm very eager and willing to get there.

So...what do YOU think? I know I haven't shared a lot of exactly what I'd be doing in my routines (when I learn how to play), but that's to prevent anyone from stealing my ideas. Trust me, there's gonna be some funny and cool stuff down the road.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

You Think You Know the Words?

Every time I watch a baseball game I find myself a bit angry. The degree of anger varies depending upon the circumstances of the game, the weather, the fans surrounding me, and of course; how well my team is playing.

One thing is always constant. I get a little upset every time I hear
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

This song, written by Jack Norworth in 1908 (the last time the Cubs won a World Series), is played nearly every day at just about every ball park across the world. Everyone stands up and sings along. I can only assume that people join in this tradition because they, just like Harry Caray, believe it to be the only song where they know all the words. All of those people in the stands, Harry Caray, and yes, even YOU, are WRONG!

The part we all sing is merely the chorus. There are at least two verses to the song, but who has ever heard them or bothered to sing them? The song was rewritten by Norworth in 1927 to update the lyrics to the verses, but the chorus remained the same.

Now I'm not all that upset that people don't sing any of the verses, though it does bug me a tad. No, the real reason I get angry is that the chorus to "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" is ALWAYS sung with improper lyrics.

Think of it, the second-most sung tune in the world ("Happy Birthday" is easily the first) is always suing by people who are screwing up the lyrics. In fact, there are no fewer than THREE, sometimes FOUR times within the chorus where people sing the incorrect words.

Here's a little test for you. Without looking up the lyrics online, complete the following lines.

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out ____ ___ _____.
Buy me some peanuts and _______ ____,
I don't care if I _____ get back.
___ __ root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game."

How many of you wrote, "Take me out to the crowd?" All of you? WRONG! It is, "Take me out WITH the crowd." Not a major screw-up, but not what the author intended, nor is it grammatically correct to say "to the crowd". Moving on...

"Buy me some peanuts and WHAT? Did you say "Cracker Jacks?" Well then you'd be WRONG! The product in question, the product we're all so familiar with and have been eating in this country since 1893 (1896 with the brand name) is Cracker Jack. There's no "S" in Cracker Jack. You can't get Cracker Jacks anywhere. You can buy boxes of Cracker Jack, but you can't buy even one box of Cracker Jacks. By singing this line incorrectly you are not only denying Norworth the joy of hearing his song performed properly, but you are crapping on an institution, an icon of American culture. You people suck!

How about some more grammar lessons? "I don't care if I EVER get back?" FUCK NO! It is and always has been, "I don't care if I NEVER get back. Make your high school English teacher proud. Sing this line with not only the proper lyric, but the proper choice for good grammar. If you don't care if you never get back, that means you really don't care if you ever return to work, home, wherever you need to return. Never means NEVER. Ever means someday, somewhere, or sometime. You don't ever want to get back and to make certain that happens, you must not care if you NEVER get back.

Finally, and this one doesn't frost my nuts as much as the other mistakes, it is always "Let me root, root, root for the home team (or whatever team name you wan to insert)." It is not, "I will root...." It is not, "For it's root...." It is not simply, "Root, root root...." In fact it is not ever any of those choices. One could say it is NEVER any of those options.

Apologies to Jack Norworth, if not for the whole damned world butchering your song, then certainly for the pain of watching your very FIRST Major League Baseball game 67 years ago today (and nearly 40 years after writing Baseball's one true anthem) and being subjected to watching the Chicago Cubs lose to the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

God Help Us All!

My mother...has a blog!

Not much there yet, but just wait. Oooohhhh you just wait!

Please go and visit mutha's musings and leave her a comment. Check back to read her many opinions and ideas. Find out all the gory details.

Friday, June 22, 2007

OK, Some People Are Just Sick.

I check my stats for this blog fairly regularly. I'm curious to know how many people are finding the place and how they came to reach Andy Land. Generally people are finding me by searching for other things. "Other things". O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G-S.

I know I've done this sort of thing before, but this time I just can't help but mention one of the other things that brought someone here over the last few days.

Someone from Australia actually found my blog by doing a web search for...

"widest vagina" and "widest vagina photos"!

This is not a prudish blog but it certainly isn't a porn blog either. That being said, either one of those search terms gets me the guy looking for unusually wide lady parts.

Here's the thread that the surfer, eager to find pictures of some mighty wide vaginas, gets to read.

Yep. The poor guy hoping to find actual photos of actual giant vaginas is only moderately pleased when he sees the photos I took of cave formations in Niagara Cave. I made mention of the fact that some of the formations had something of a familiar shape to them.

However, it was not my commentary that brought my blog to the top of the rankings. It was that of my wildly funny, always brilliant, and currently depressed friend, Golfwidow.

In case you don't feel like reading her comment (a joke she recalled) in my past post I'll reprint it here. It is just as funny now as it was then, if not more so today given the fact that I'm now attracting freaks with a giant hoo-hah fetish.

"golfwidow said...

Reminds me of a joke. What doesn't?
Doctor: You have the widest vagina I've ever seen. You have the widest vagina I've ever seen.
Patient (angrily): Well, you don't have to say it twice.
Doctor: I didn't; that was the echo. That was the echo."

Now the true genius of this post is that the next time someone is surfing the web for mammoth genitalia there will be TWO posts leading them here. I will be sitting back and laughing at these poor souls and hoping they find what they are looking for elsewhere.

By the way, head over to Golfwidow's blog and cheer her up a bit. She could use a good laugh.

And for guy finding my blog by typing in "animal fisting" ...get a life!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Keeping Fingers Crossed

For April. Can't say much more. Don't wanna jinx anything.


Monday, June 18, 2007

Gig Frustration, Potential Gig Frustration

I'm a bit angry. I was planning on heading home June 24th and staying through the 2nd or 3rd. Up until the other day I thought there wasn't another gig until the 4th of July. I did have a hold for the first which I was all but certain was a dead gig.

Sadly, or maybe not so much since I am getting paid, that gig had come in and I just hadn't been sent a contract. So the cheap airfare I was going to secure was still available, but it would have me coming in the day of the gig a few hours prior. I can't take the chance of fucking up a show so I can't take that flight. To do an earlier arrival brought the cost of airfare up to around 400-500 dollars. So...I can't go home now until about July 12th!

This doesn't make things any easier for me, marriage/happiness-wise. It certainly won't make April any happier. She is still looking for a job, which is frustrating. She doesn't know anybody there, which makes her lonely. She won't do anything to get out and meet people nor network, which makes me crazy.

Next, I am still getting calls for work here in the Midwest. That's all well and good. However, I am still amazed when someone, in 2007, has no concept as to how to leave a message.

Really now, we've had voice mail and answering machines for about 40 years or more, right? You would think that the basics to leaving a message would be ingrained into everyone's head by now. Nothing too difficult to leave in the message...the fucking phone number would be nice!

Yep, I had someone leave an all too long message on my voice mail, wanting more info about the show and she didn't leave a call back number. I got her work schedule, an idea of when the show would be, and even her name and organization in this message. However, the phone number where she can be reached...nothing!

I can't take this crap anymore! I think when I get to Vegas permanently I'm going to get a real towner type job. Get myself something with benefits and regular hours. Ease my pain.

Between being booked to gigs without my knowledge and stupid people not giving me any info to go on I just can't imagine a better life than to be in a quiet, normal job.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

A Few Photos

I performed three shows at the Carol Stream Public Library the other day. Loads of fun for me since it was filled with great crowds, and fuzzy feelings for being allowed to make a living in my "old" home town. Plus, the paycheck wasn't bad. ;)

Aside from the fun I had performing for everyone I was sent an e-mail with several photos taken during the shows.

I always like getting some cool images to share. Even though these aren't really "press kitmaterial" , they certainly show some of the big silly fun that was had at the library.

Thanks to Steve Dexheimer for the photos and
Pat Roche of the library for the work!

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Best Song Ever! Vol. Six: "Then He Kissed Me", By The Crystals

"Well he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance."

Yeah, I know. Most folks think that us manly men can't get down with the girl groups. Those folks are all totally wrong in every way. How can this be? Because Phil Fuckin' Spector was a goddamn genius! A gun-toting, dance song making, completely insane freak of nature genius.

There will likely be MANY Phil Spector-produced songs on my ever-growing list of "Best Songs Ever". I chose this one because this is the one I was listening to most on my way home from Wisconsin. That, and it is the "Best Song Ever!"

Just one of the many successful girl groups produced by Spector, The Crystals released some of my all-time favorite pop and dance records of all time. The vocals are piercing, memorable, emotional, and fitting of the songs in ways other artists rarely achieved.

Add the classic "Wall of Sound", that ever-present rhythm machine that made Phil Spector (and every record he touched) famous, and you have one killer song! This tune will NEVER fade away into the night and it will always be timeless in every way.

Like many of the pop songs of the day, especially the girl group hits, this was a simple story about teenage love. It is filled with danceable rhythm and has a soulful sound that never fails to deliver. Plus, that opening riff is so good I dare you not to listen to the rest of the song.

Sure, most men of my age MAY have a fondness for the song because of its clever and perfect use of the song in the opening title sequence of the cult classic comedy film, "Adventures in Babysitting". However a bouncing and adorable Elisabeth Shue does not take away from the overall quality of one of the best tunes ever committed to vinyl.

Take a listen to the song. If you've never heard it you'll be dancing and bobbing your head in no time. If you've just forgotten how damn great this record is then enjoy a trip down memory lane. I think you'll ultimately agree that "Then He Kissed Me" is The Best Song Ever!

PSST! For the geeks out there...someday I'll have a little music video of my own featuring this tune and a certain time traveler. Don't wanna spoil it, but if I ever get it created and edited it will make a big splash in the geeky YouTube world. Heh!


Friday, June 15, 2007

In Wisconsin

Visiting family and performing shows. Back late tomorrow with more fun stuff.

Thanks for all the support!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I Want to Go Home

I like making money here. I've no real promise of being able to do that in Vegas. I only have hope.

I like being in familiar surroundings. I'm only modestly familiar with the local area of Las Vegas.

I like the green grass and trees. I have to hunt down such things out west.

All that being said, I think I need to be HOME in Vegas sooner rather than later. I hate putting off "the new life" and leaving my wife behind.

However, until April gets a job (lots of interviews being conducted and resumes being distributed as I write this) I need to be here making a living. Once I get there I may never make a living again.

I know...everything will work out fine. I just would rather be telling myself that in Vegas rather than here.

Tomorrow, 3 shows at the Carol Stream Public Library (nice paycheck!) and then off to Hayward, Wisconsin to visit my sister and do a how at the Hayward KOA campground. Once that show is done...back to St. Charles for a gig at a Harley Davidson dealership.

At least I'll be working and making some money. [sigh]

Monday, June 11, 2007

I Can Play Here All Day

If I thought mentioning this site on my blog would get me some killer Honda swag (free car) I'd do it again.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


Let's just say, most of the people who have never gotten The Sopranos and how they did things likely didn't get the series finale. I got it. I enjoyed it very much. I miss the show already. Everything made perfect sense to me and it was all appropriate and fitting.
I'm not posting a review as I know there are many who are still waiting to see the show. Just know that I got everything I wanted and nothing I expected, which is exactly what the show has provided me all these years.

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Saturday, June 09, 2007

Gordon Who?

I just finished listening to a podcast from Gordon of "Blog This, Pal!" fame where he was reviewing some of the newest episodes of Doctor Who.

I shouldn't have listened because I don't download the episodes nor try to get them ahead of the U.S. and I don't want anything to be spoiled. That being said, it is very cool to get an intelligent take on the upcoming stuff from my favorite sci-fi program. His podcast features a lot of interesting content ranging from music to pop culture and then some. Well worth a listen when there's no Podcrapular to enjoy.

Listening to Gordon's show reminded me of a video I found on YouTube recently featuring two "icons" of geek TV, Jon Pertwee and the Son of Svengoolie.

Pertwee played the third Doctor in the Doctor Who series and was the first Doctor I really watched. The Son of Svengoolie is a Chicago area TV legend of sorts. A classic "show really bad horror and sci-fi movies" kind of show that is wonderfully childish and funny in all sorts of great ways. I went as Svengoolie to my 8th grade Halloween party. Maybe my mother has a photo of that she can send my way.

In any event I got to surfing on YouTube to see if anyone had posted a clip of Pertwee and Svengoolie meeting on air. This happened once in Chicago on the Svengoolie program during an episode that ran at the same time as the Tardis 21 convention. Pertwee was a guest and was kind enough to drop by for an interview.

The show was live so there was a great moment where a piece of the set nearly crushes Jon Pertwee and the interview was big fun for geeks everywhere. More important to me now is that in the sequence you can see the poster for the convention. If you've read my blog for a long time you may recognize that poster as THE poster I received from my wife as a Christmas present a few years back. If you don't recognize it then you should CLICK HERE to get caught up.

So enjoy the geek/fan boy/jizz fest that is...Jon Pertwee on Svengoolie!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Too Tired to Think About More Moving & Vegas Talk

So why not watch a video featuring me on YouTube?

You may recall that some time ago I posted a link to a clip of me playing roving reporter for a Chicago area cable program called Nude Hippo. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, CLICK HERE.

As it happens, they posted another segment I recorded. This may be the last segment I ever recorded for them. I don't remember. The subject of this fascinating segment? RATS and rodent control in the big city.

As always, I remember being way funnier than what ended up being broadcast. All the funniest stuff gets removed all the time if you are not the one doing the editing. Why? Because I'm too damn funny...and too damn offensive some of the time. Actually I know that lots of reasons dictate what does and doesn't make the final cut of a segment. Ah well.

So enjoy my little report. I'm actually on about half way through this entire clip. You are certainly more than welcome to watch some of the banter and the lead-in and all that fun stuff.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

So Close and So Far Away

We MAY have things settled with the bank card and the movers, but honestly, I won't know a damn thing until it is all done, possibly later today.

The good news is that we did actually get our mail key and even received some mail. The bad news is that the card from the bank wasn't among the items we received.

Here's the big fun - our mail, which was supposed o be on hold, was being delivered to the mailbox. You know...the mailbox we didn't have a key for and couldn't get without lots of headache from the Post Office...that mailbox. When we got the envelope that held the mailbox key inside (the envelope that was delivered yesterday even though the mail was on hold) we tried it out to make sure it was indeed the correct key for the job and we were happy to learn that it worked. Indeed it did. The box opened to reveal...a spare mailbox key sitting inside the mailbox.


We couldn't get into the mailbox without a key...

We couldn't get another key without some grief involved...

We put our mail on hold at the post office so we could get the key delivered to us without being placed into the mailbox we couldn't open without the key...

We ended up having our mail delivered to the mailbox anyway, including the pack with our key, rendering useless all the precautions...

We finally got our mail by stalking the mailman only to find...

A second mailbox key, also inside the mailbox we previously couldn't open.


I don't even want to get into all the mess with the bank card and the movers. I just want April to be able to get all this taken care of without incident because I am now back in Illinois and cannot offer much help.

I feel so damned awful. I know I have to be here to work and make money while April is getting her job situation settled (Hopeful for some good news to report soon...don't want to jinx anything!). That doesn't change the fact that I want to be there with her, starting the new life together and all that. It just seems strange to go out there and then return, putting off my half of the new life for a month or two.

I should be there to take care of these issues and to yell at the appropriate people (and do all the worrying). I have left April behind before for work. This time just makes me feel much more guilty, sad, whatever.

Still...nice to be back in Illinois where I can get a Superdawg and some White Castles. At least I got that going for me.

Continued mojo for April.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Never Been More Scared

I have to head back to Illinois tomorrow to finish up contracts and make some money while April looks for a job.

We still don't have our mail key, which means...

We still don't have the credit card from our bank, which means...

We still don't have our belongings in the new house.

Thanks to a follow-up call to the movers I made to arrange a later delivery (which we're allowed) and avoid having our items arrive without me here and April having no cash to pay for them...

I got a phone call today saying our things should be around Wednesday night or Thursday morning. That means...

The person I spoke to on the phone somehow COMPLETELY misunderstood the reason for my call. That means...

My latest on the list of "my worst fear" (I've had a lot of worst fears in the last couple of months) may be realized if I can't get a hold of one of the most helpful and more competent people I spoke to when arranging this move. So much for due diligence and all that crap.

I'm begging "The Universe", who has been so very good to us all told during this life-altering ordeal, to PLEASE keep the good things a rolling just a tad longer, even though I probably don't deserve any more good karma. I'm hoping for some good mojo from the bloggers as well, even though I don't deserve any more of your thoughts as well.

IF we get our mail key tomorrow we MAY...

Find that credit card in our mailbox OR better yet...

We may even get that card in the mail which is on hold at the Post Office, assuming we get ANY mail. Oddly enough, we've received practically NOTHING in the last week, including our mail key which was coming Priority Mail to the P.O.. Strange.

we get the card...

We can just let the goods arrive as "planned" and even though I won't be here...

April can get the house somewhat put together in between job interviews and so on.

Every time I try to get a little breath in my lungs and attempt to be that "I know everything will work out" guy, every time I try to enjoy the amazing and ballsy journey we undertook after being forced from our homes and into action, every time I try to relax and feel some sense of pride and accomplishment - the potential for the rug being pulled out from under me is there AGAIN!

I thought we had all this crap settled and now I have to fly to Illinois and burden my wife with the movers, the unpacking (even though I know she'll leave a lot for me...heh), and the financial woes (we do have some cash ready to go and other means...we're trying not to deplete our living funds and our "you'll get a job soon" funds). This is all happening while April is working every damn day to get herself a job and start her new life as well. I feel like a failure.

This is just too damned much. I'm never going to truly get to exhale am I?

Anyway. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to vent and you probably needed something to read.

For the record...Everything will be fine. We have made it this far, we'll make it a little farther. I know everything will work out. I just needed to panic before I pack my suitcase and watch more porn.

Oh yeah...mojo, please. You guys seem to be a big part of the good karma train. :)