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Monday, February 28, 2005

I'm So Tired

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git.

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind
I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

The Beatles

Wanna Do Someone Else's Homework?

Please head on over to Bitchitude and fill out the survey questions about religion. Help this poor Hawaiian blogger make her self-imposed HELL known as the "Back to School Blues" (My term, not hers) seem more bearable by doing her work. She's not going to do it, so maybe YOU should!

Funny. She doesn't want to talk about politics, which I understand. Yet she wants to talk about religion, which is equally verbooten in my world. Well, the survey is pretty simple and doesn't delve too deeply into anyone's affiliation so GO CHECK IT OUT! I did it. Didn't hurt one bit!

In other blog news, I decided to return the favor and send a fan pic to the gal who was kind enough to send me my first fan pic, Cherry Pie. Head on over there and see what a bastard like me thinks is appropriate web behavior!

Jessica needs some cheering up. Now I should hesitate to make any attempts at brightening her spirits because in her own words, "I tend to distract myself with sexual thoughts or other entertaining things when I cannot cope with what is going on in my life". Judging by her posts & photos that accompany this sentiment, the big dumb male in me WANTS her to stay a little out of sorts. YOWZA!

However the entertainer in me wants her to be happy. I'm funny that way. So go to her blog and leave some nice comments. AT the very least try to find some nice photos of dolphins or giraffes to post. I thought I had a few saved here, but I will have to scan some for later. She also likes baseball (The Phillies). If you have any Philly Phun you can send her way, go right ahead. Blog crush or not, everyone who is kind enough to link to me deserves to be happy. All others should simply die. You hear that Andrew Sullivan!!! LOL!

If you ever wondered what a sperm-shaped pancake would look like, head on over to Bacon & Eh's. Very informative stuff there!

The Cheers Wants You to Date Your Daughter!

Enjoy my article, "Date Your Daughter! It's All the Rage!" at The Cheers this week.

E-Mail Update

I'm telling Hotmail to fuck right off! All of their recent service updates has meant that I cannot send most of my mail, attach or receive any files, or even read my mail much of the time. So if you have a Hotmail address for me in your books get it the hell out of there!

To make things easy for everyone, ALWAYS use this as my main e-mail address...

That address will forward to any e-mail account I am using no matter what. It should always be the e-mail address you use for contacting me unless I say otherwise. Don't get all crazy and save the new Yahoo reply address when you replay to something of mine. I know you'll do that anyway, but DON'T do it! Put the above address in as my address and we'll all be happy.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

At Long Last, Some Photos from My Duluth Trip

LOOK!  There a Gay Bar Next to that Hotel! I'm sure I'll post many other photos from the recent trip, but my favorite Bitch has been bugging me for some pics from Duluth. I felt it necessary to do this now. Sure, it is mostly because the Academy Awards are extremely vapid and awful this time around. But what the hell, right?

What you are looking at is the magnificent Androy Hotel, a residential hotel in Superior, WI. It isn't pretty. It isn't fancy. It isn't expensive. It IS where I ALWAYS stay when I'm in that area, especially if I am paying for my own room!

One day I'll tell you about all the amazing going's on that have happened in that building. For now, let me say that the staff is friendly, the restaurant inside is AWESOME, and the rates are very affordable. There may be many places to stay that are "better", but there are none that are "nicer".

TheYou may recall that I was working the Duluth, Boat, Sports, & Travel Show, held at the DECC.

The DECC is a very large convention center right on the lake in the heart of downtown Duluth. I get asked back often because so many of the staffers there like my act! So many worker bees end up coming to the cafe where my shows were and apparently the folks they've had in the past are not nearly as funny and charming as yours truly. Isn't that sweet?

COOL! Here we have the old high school.

I forget what it is now, but it is one of the most outstanding buildings you'll ever see in person. It is so massive I couldn't even begin to get it all into the frame.

I found this on one of my little jaunts around downtown Duluth and I just had to take a snapshot.

Apparently, because of it's unusual slanted appearance it is inhabited entirely by old Batman TV villains.

MMMmmm...Strippers! I will certainly go on and on about the Club Saratoga in another post. That place is just to the left of magical.

It is an OLD SCHOOL strip club and is among my favorite places on Earth.

My affection for the place actually has more to do with the look and feel of the building itself than the naked ladies inside (but those are nice too!). More later on this classic club.

There are many things I like about my trips to Duluth/Superior. Many of the places have some older features and amenities that give the whole experience a feeling of nostalgia to them. Everything seems somehow more historic when I'm there.

What I like most is knowing that Duluth was really a craphole for a while there. Like so many larger cities it nearly fell victim to neglect. Duluth is a fine example of just how a big city can rebound and become a special place. Duluth has a lot of great things to offer a family, a tourist, and a guy from Chicago trying to make a decent living as an entertainer.

The Fabulous Vegas Bros. Swing Again!

There must be SOMEBODY local that reads my blog and would like to go have some fun and good times! If this is the case, get your ass out to
Crabigale's in Joliet on Thursday March 3 & Friday March 4, 2005
to witness the majesty that is
The Fabulous Vegas Bros. Revue!
In a rather odd set of bookings, we're headlining on Thursday and Opening the show on Friday. Go figure.

Martinis, Comedy, & You, Baby!

Can't make those shows? Well then you little pussy, why not go to
Durty Nellies in Palatine on Wednesday March 9?
We'll be there on da big stage, swinging our favorite bits at ya!

Bud Buckley Understands

I always enjoy reading the blog from other performers. Whether they're comedians, actors, or musicians like Bud Buckley, it is refreshing to read about similar pains and triumphs in this awful business we love.

I can't leave comments at his blog because of some stupid glitch in Haloscan's software. I can, however, blog about Bud myself and whenever he is kind enough mention me a couple of times, I have no problem with returning the favor.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Is it Wrong to Post a Comment You Left on Someone Else's Blog?

Dunno what the netiquette is on this, but I felt I had to post this.

I was catching up on the going's on at the For Fuck's Sake! blog and saw a post about Baby Boomers vs. Gen Xers. Now I hate the term Gen X, but sadly I fall right into that little craptacular name/generation/whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I'm not going to get into it here. I'd rather you check out her blog and do the reading yourself. This chick is in Chicago. We should meet. She should come to a Vegas Bros. show or something.

I will, however post the comment I left there. I had a few martinis and got on a roll and reread what I wrote and found it funny enough to post. I think with some clearer eyes I can develop this into a nice article or a stand-up routine. Many of these points are things I've been batting around for some time. They finally manifested in this comment. Enjoy!

"I've never liked the Gen X thing. Silly title, created by the aging members of a sillier generation, the Baby Boomers.

The Boomers are just pissed because they're getting older and are so CLEARLY NOT the center of attention anymore.

They are not the cool shopping demographic (an experience most of us GenXers are coming into now), they do not dictate what TV programs are on, what music is listened to, and what neighborhoods will be deemed "safer" by their presence.

The Boomers DO get to create a huge increase in sales of travel trailers and WILL have some voting prowess, even though I find it hard to believe that so many Boomers would have allowed a G-Dub reign TWICE.

The Boomers are mad because latter generations have taken everything they valued. Latter generations have co-opted the Beatles, enjoyed not one but TWO "once in a lifetime" Woodstock concerts, and even have a moment where they can discuss where they were when John F. Kennedy died.

About all the Boomers have anymore is a Mason Williams recording of "Classical Gas" and the aging carcass of Joan Baez and they are welcome to all of that!

And how did the Baby Boomer generation get to span a good 10 years longer than any other generation? These guys claim to be from 1944 to about 1967. Were there THAT many soldiers coming home from world War II in 1967?"

Damn, I've been a blogging bum today. I must have missed you!

Painting Jessica

She came in and left one casual comment. In the mere minutes since, I have read SEVERAL of her posts at her own blog and commented as well. Andy's got a new "blog crush" and another MUST READ for the friends of Andy Land.

Please check out Jessica Hart's "Painting Jessica". (She's from Philly, Marjo!)

This blog has something for everyone. Fantastic artwork, paintings & photos. Excellent content to read and enjoy. And of course, she's one pretty lady and you KNOW I can't resist that! Interestingly, the BLOGGER Spell Checker suggests I replace "Jessica" with "cheesecake". I like life's little coincidences.

Actually I'm always drawn to those cute, intelligent, quirky women. I still hold Sacha at She's Krafty close to my virtual internet heart. I really should get around to asking her for a link exchange. I digress.

If they have a creative flair, a love for martinis, a strange need for pink clothing or hair dye, I've always taken a closer look. I'm sure that I am just one more fool that this lovely and artistic defender of the soccer moms will have to suffer gladly. Regardless, I have been enjoying Jessica's blog and I think my regular readers will as well.

Thanks for reading/commenting, Jessica! Let me know if you want a more permanent link here.

In Other News...Fu-Qtoo is Having a SALE!!!

Buy a DAMN Shirt!  What?  You're Too GOOD to Wear One of My Shirts?  I'll Cut You.  I WILL!

While checking out the many lovely naked , long-legged, and HOT women at the Blog (They DO actually have things to READ there once in awhile too y'know!) I noticed that in honor of the Year of the Rooster they went ahead and made my Rooster with Tourette's shirt their featured shirt of the week. GO TO THEIR SITE and buy one for only $10.00! Damn, that's cheaper than I sell them at shows!

To make things better, all other designs are $4.00 OFF their regular prices! That means you can ALSO get the latest shirt from the Andy Martello Collection at a great price! What? You don't remember what the latest design looks like? I wonder if I'll be getting a free sample of this one too. Hmmm...

Bud Buckley, This Shirt is for YOU!

That should be enough of an incentive to get some of you to break out your pocketbooks and buy some funny t-shirts. Honestly, I make a measly commission off any sales and the only real way for me to make $$$ on them is to buy them and sell them at my shows. So this is not really about me, but about the fine folks at the t-shirt shop! Help them out AND support my antics at the same time. It will bring some good karma to us all I'm sure!

Can You Believe It?!

Tuesday I will have owned my beautiful new car for one full week and just last night some inconsiderate, disgusting, soccer mom with her giant suburban minivan filled with ingrate monster children, DINGS my car with her fucking driver's side door!

I didn't catch her in the act, but she was the ONLY one around my car with a giant door flapping in the breeze as I was loading my equipment and packing up from a gig, entertaining for HER undisciplined and rude child! She clearly SAW it was my car and she packed up extra quickly and hurried into her driver's seat and scurried off before I made it to my car. No fucking concern for anything but herself! Just ding my car, make no mention nor apologies for her mistake, and run off with me still within plain view.

At the time I didn't think anything of it. My car is small enough and was parked perfectly so there SHOULDN'T have been much reason for me to think this person was doing anything other than getting away from a Cub Scout dinner in a hurry. Well, seeing the side of my car in full daylight today, I know why she was in such a hurry!

GOD DAMMIT! I hate people, and in particular, PARENTS! I thought I just didn't like kids, since so many of them are so damned spoiled. Now I realize that those spoiled and insensitive kids come from even worse parents!

Looking at it again it is not a big deal. It certainly won't ruin my life or anything like that. But really, this is my FIRST new car. I've had many "like new" and "pre-driven" cars. I've had many "USED" and "what the fuck, its a car" cars too. This is my first brand new car and I don't get to enjoy it's pristine and new appearance for even one full week!

Maybe I'll get back to work on my audit. THAT should cheer me up!

Friday, February 25, 2005

You Are Not Funny

Here's what was waiting for me when I checked my e-mail before bedtime~

From : Erick Rawlings < >
Sent : Friday, February 25, 2005 11:39 PM
To :
Subject : You are not funny.

Not in the least. Your comedic attempts are actually quite sad.

An education could lead you to a more successful career.

Now how cool is that? I have no idea if this guy saw my act somewhere, stumbled upon one of my sites, is currently dating one of my ex-girlfriends that can't stop talking about my skillful hands and masterful use of my tongue (all for juggling & comedy, of course - PERVERTS!), read one of my articles and thought it necessary to yell at me, or just wanted to tell someone, "You are not funny."

I don't recall meeting or knowing any Erick Rawlings, though I may know the guy. Thanks to alcohol and the nature of my job there are many people I don't remember meeting. I'm going to assume the guy found an article somewhere or maybe this very blog and decided I wasn't funny.


In case you were curious, my response...

Thinking I'm not funny, strangely, is not all that original a notion. However it is one in the minority and therefore, special to me. Thanks for writing. How did you come to hear of me and discover my total lack of humor?

I may not be funny, but at least I don't live in Cleveland! ;)

If you have anything special you'd like to say to Mr. Rawlings, feel free to e-mail him. Maybe we can make him part of our special dysfunctional family!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Here's the NEW Andy-Mobile!

If it is alright with da Bitch at Bitchitude, I'll post a few pictures of my new car. Sure it is not as exciting as news from my Duluth trip, but since the Duluth trip reminds me of my damned IRS audit, which in-turn makes me feel like killing myself, I'll share photos of the car. The Duluth pics will have to wait. The new car makes me happy!

And how could this car NOT make me happy? Just look at this charming little devil! This thing has personality and personality goes a long way according to Samuel L. Jackson.

I know it is small, but believe me this thing has room for several big people inside and it has great pick-up, excellent gas mileage, and best of all - payments I can afford (I think, LOL!).
I don't even mind that the antennae makes it look like a radio-controlled car.
I LOVE this mighty beast!

Having a day off in common with my lovely wife yesterday we went for a little road trip in my cute little car to Racine, WI to see their cute little zoo. We like to take little day trips whenever possible since we don't get to take many vacations and getting to drive there, get out in the sun, and get much better at driving stick again was very relaxing for me.

Today...laundry, cleaning my old car, and getting ready for the audit. Where did I leave those sleeping pills?

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Learn to Juggle in Six Minutes

In case this comes out too small to read, the big screen reads,
"Destruct Sequence Initiated. Option to Override Expires in 6 Minutes!"

The bunny is reading a book titled,
"Learn to Juggle in Six Minutes"
and there are juggling clubs strewn across the floor.

This very amusing little number was sent to me by my good friend David Goldflies, of CySy, Inc. fame. Oh yeah, he was in a band once. I think it was a gay blues band called The All Men Druthers Band. Although I could be wrong about that.
Thanks, Dave! ;)

The Groundhog Mall Lives On

I forgot to mention that e-pauly reprinted The Groundhog Mall last week. No worries, it is running all this week at my new favorite e-zine home, Malicious Bitch.

If you've missed it elsewhere, then DON'T miss it in the arms of da bitch. Read The Groundhog Mall at Malicious Bitch, HERE!

I Bought a New Car Yesterday

Yep, I had little or no choice. My Taurus has been giving subtle little hints that it might need to retire. That has been the best car I've ever owned and it took me through at least 155,500 miles and many states, great shows, etc. With a little love, the darned thing STILL has another 50,000 miles in it if I were not planning on selling it now. If you know anyone who wants a reliable car for tooling around town, drop me a line!

I'd been waiting til the earliest part of the year to start looking for a car. I REALLY needed to make this gig in Duluth so I could have enough cash at the right time for me to be able to put a decent down payment on something. Yesterday was supposed to be the first of a few days searching. Instead it became the only stop I needed to make.

I ended up getting a Chevy Aveo. My older brother, the car guru, gave me a list of excellent cars to look for in my search, should I be unable to find a good price on another Taurus or my dream car, the Ford Escape (Hybrid preferred, but not necessary). High on the list of go-to cars was the Aveo.

This is a 2004 model (the inaugural year of the car) but it is still brand new. They had two left on the lot of the 2004's and they were priced to go bye-bye in a hurry. With all the fun stuff it has, this one lists for $12, 085 but was priced at $9,995, basically the manufacturer's price for a base model. Toss my $2,000 down payment and with 20% of the car paid for, financing was a snap, even for a lousy-credit-having-mutha fookah like me.

Smaller car than I'm used to, but the darned thing is just massive on the inside. It is like being in a TARDIS, for you sci-fi nuts. The trunk easily holds all of my gear with room to spare and there's plenty of leg room, passenger space, etc.

EXCELLENT gas mileage, which is extremely important to me since G-Dub has declared war on low oil prices, and a kick-ass CD player with MP3 playback. NICE!

One thing that threw me at first, it has a stick shift. I haven't owned a manual transmission car since I was 18. I drove one once for about 10 miles maybe 10 years ago or more, but otherwise I haven't driven a stick in a LONG time. I'd been toying with the idea of getting one for a bit because they're a lot of fun to drive. Actually getting behind the wheel of one again...funny, scary, and most enjoyable!

It is a cute car, not a MANLY car. This is no statement of masculine prowess and strength by any means. In fact it has a stubby little nose and the antennae in right in the middle of the roof at an angle. I say the car looks like it has a Mohawk. However, everyone who sees it can't stop using words like "cool" or "cute" and since it also got the wifely approval I'm happy on all fronts!

Even though it was not the car I initially was hoping for, everything just made so much sense with this one. It felt like my car from the first moment I saw it and was reinforced immediately after a test drive.

I'll post a pic of it soon. It is sleek, black, quick, and some time within the next 5 years it will all be mine!

Monday, February 21, 2005

I'm Back

Don't have time to talk now, but I promise to add photos, descriptions, and all my usual craptacular nonsense later!

Until then, why not buy one of THESE!

God DAMN, I'm Funny!

Just another little shirt inspired by my act and lovingly exploited by the folks at!

Friday, February 18, 2005

Good Times, Bad Times

The other day I was having such a good day. I found out that The Chicago Tribune may be doing a story about me, which is ALWAYS cool. I got a few new bookings. I saw many cool animals at the zoo and at the show. I saw nekkid ladies at my favorite strip club.

So WHY did I have to get the news that the IRS has decided to audit me AGAIN?! This time for 2003. Same thing as LAST YEAR, they are curious about my business expenses. I prepared the darned thing based on the results and specifications of the 2002 audit for fuck's sake! Why are they after me? The honest guy that makes pennies doing a job I love? Next year I'm going to state my occupation as "C.E.O. of Enron Corp." That should get them to leave me alone. ;)

My accountant & I are hoping that we can go to them and get the whole thing dropped since they put me through the ringer once already, very recently! Supposedly these are BOTH "random audits", but I find it a little suspicious that my name would pop up randomly two years in a row. Maybe I should get a lottery ticket. Seems like random occurrences are in my favor! Ah well.

My big problem with these things is not that I have anything to hide or have fear of being caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I'm a good and careful tax payer and I do my best to get everything in order and fill out everything honestly. I have the BEST accountant and he always makes everything pretty and care-free. So that's not an issue.

No, what I don't like is how they make you feel as though you did something wrong. There's such an awful stigma and insinuation that comes from them when you go in for your review. They make you feel awful and like a criminal. Having TWO audits in as many years, especially when you spend as much as I have to to make as little as I do, just implies I'm some sort of criminal mastermind! Like I'd be in Duluth, MN or Athol, Idaho if I didn't HAVE to go. Nice places, both...but really!

Today I get to see most of my family at the show and that's nice. I have to go in early and do a special performance for the Mayor of Duluth. There is other news...

Today I received my Absolute Write Newsletter and what do ya know? I am in there! Check it out!

Please send me some good mojo and try to cheer me up. I'm a bit down because of all the "other stuff" and when I get depressed, things get very scary for all the people that know me!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Two Things That SUCK About Using the Internet at a Library

First, the service varies dramatically in towns only a few miles apart. I'm actually at the Duluth Library right now. Duluth is a MUCH bigger town than Superior, WI and the library is bigger. Duluth still has high-speed but they've got these bizarre browser controls and other strange features from their ISP that make it almost impossible for me to check or send any e-mail. I can't open up multiple windows without doing a litle keyboard trickery and I can't right-click for any reason, even if it is to close the GOD DAMNED pop up windows that keep creeping up. I guess their fancy ISP and virus crap has no option to block the pop ups. OH yeah...I can't hit the return button and start a new paragraph at ALL! All the computers are like this so it isn't a faulty keyboard. I may just make this nice run-on paragraph go on forever. OR I'll play with the html in the post.

The other thing I hate? I can't look at the blog. Too many paople watching. There are some kick ass babes on there right now, I just KNOW IT!

OOH! I Almost Forgot, Get Your Absolute Write Newsletters This Week!

I believe this is the week my Writing Prompts article comes inside the virtual pages of the Absolute Write Newsletter! I'm very excited about this. In case you've forgotten what the hell I'm talking about, CLICK HERE for more info.

What? You don't already receive the FREE Absolute Write Newsletter? Well then CLICK HERE for details on how to do that! What? I gotta do everything for ya?

First Day of Shows Today

I have to get a few things checked in and set up over at the convention hall, but otherwise the first two or three (I forget) shows will happen some time late in the afternoon.

I always like coming here. They treat me very well and the show schedule is not all that grueling at all. I'm only doing 15-minute performances and some meet & greet/autograph signing (should anyone be silly enough to want one!)

The people are all very friendly and Duluth has a lot of fun things to do within this little big town.
Last time I was out here I went to the Zoo and I'll likely check it out again. They also have a very nice aquarium right next door, as well as many fine shops, nightclubs, and casinos.

The food is good most everywhere I go, but my favorite place to eat is Papa Don's restaurant located in my craptacular hotel.

I'll give you some juicy updates either later tonight or tomorrow, assuming there's anything to talk about.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Greetings from Duluth!

OK, I'm actually posting from a library in Superior, Wisconsin, but it is kind of Duluth Lite in a few ways.

Made it up here safe and sound. Unfortunately I had to get a rental car as my own car just wouldn't make the trip. Looks like the money I'll be making on this gig will be a small down payment on some new wheels! WEEEE, thousands of dollars in debt!

All settled into my favorite crappy hotel, the Androy. One day I'll tell you more about this little place. For now I'll just say it has a GREAT restaurant and should I want to watch drag queens sing karaoke, there's a fine gay bar right next door.

At some point I will undoubtedly check out one of my all-time favorite strip joints, Club Saratoga, right in the heart of Downtown Duluth. You really have to see this place, the bar alone is worth looking at. There are even three naked ladies nightly. More on that later too I'm sure.

The headliner at the Duluth Sport, Boat, & Travel Show this time around? T.G. Shepard. I'm not a country fan so this will not be as much fun for me as it was when I worked with Gary "U.S." Bonds, but anything can happen in Duluth!

I'll get to visit with most of my family on Friday as well so that's going to be fun.

More later. I'm going to see how many of my blogs I can read before my hour at the library is up!

Monday, February 14, 2005

Visit The Groundhog Mall at The Cheers

The new issue is up at The Cheers.

Check out an expanded story about The Groundhog Mall there this week.

Date Your Daughter at MaliciousBitch.Com

For those of you that actually care, Happy Valentine's Day. If you are free from that crap like I am, then HAPPIER DAY IN GENERAL!

Today marks the DEBUT of The Fabulous Vegas Brothers Revue! I hope we have an audience!

I can't say why The Cheers is not fresh and new this morning, but I can tell you that there is something new from me at Malicious Bitch for your enjoyment! Check out "Date Your Daughter! It's All the Rage!" and learn about the bizarre bookings known as the Daddy/Daughter Dances! Don't forget to read all the other fine work within that magazine. I'm sure you will enjoy reading the Observations of a Demented Housewife!

I should also remind you that you can get complete MBC publishing archives at BFP Media. Well you can probably get all sorts of good design and programming stuff from these folks too, but for now just check out all the great works you may have missed by heading over there.

Since this is Valentine's Day and I have recently written a few words on or relating to the subject of romance , I'll add links to those articles right now.

The Folly of Valentine's Day
Love Under the Big Top

Here are a couple of good "men and women are different" type of articles that fit very nicely in today's theme. These are both from Doyle Brooks.

What I Know About Women
What Women Want

If you are interested in what MEN want, read this classic from yours truly.

You Gonna Eat That?

OK, enough of my yapping. I said I would be posting a lot of content so you can read "new" stuff while I'm away next week. So please check out the many posts I've provided for you in the last few days. I'll try to get to a library or something and post from Duluth. Otherwise, what you get today and from the last few days will be it for a week.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Corrections from the Content King!

I made quite a few posts yesterday. I posted a lot of links and talked about gigs, blogs, stories I worte, nice people, and so on. I try to make the effort to make my blog fresh and worth reading. I neglect my dirty dishes, my regular job, and my friends (both of them) just to bring you some of the finest in useles information on the World Wide Web!

Occasionally I make some mistakes.

Like in the last post I made yesterday I forgot to mention Bud Buckley had also made nice mention of me in his blog on Wednesday. In yesterday's penultimate post he did get an entire paragraph touting his musical abilities, posting a link to his audio clips, and prompting people to buy his CDs, but I did still forget to mention him in a post specifically about people that blogged about me and I went ahead and fixed that this morning.

I also made an egregious error regarding the lovely and talented Miss Marjo Moore. The error was so bad she contracted tuberculosis and began coughing up a storm in my comments section yesterday. In an attempt to keep her from dying on me I've chosen this post to make my correction.

It seems I got the name of her blog wrong. I'd noticed the difference when she changed templates but I didn't make the change in my list of blogs or in my big stupid head. Marjo Moore in no longer everywhere you want to be, unless, like W.C. Fields, you would rather be in Philadelphia. So let me make this official and do a proper plug for Marjo.

Read Me, Seymore

I did a little research and found out that Marjo was considering a few other names before settling upon "News & Views from Philadelphia" .

Those names include...

Philadelphia Freedom of the Press

Philadelphia! FUCK Pittsburgh!

IMPORTANT Philadelphia News
(Did You Know Jon Bon Jovi Owns Our Arena Football Team?)

Do Me, David Lipsky!

Rearrange the Letters in My Name and You Get
"Ear Mojo Rom"
"O, Ram Me or Jo"
"Mo Rare Mojo"
"OO! More Jam, J?"

WHEW! I sure hope this clears things up a bit. I apologize to Marjo Moore for improperly promoting her blog. I'll try to do better next time. When you're done here, be sure to check out her work. She is a great writer and much more worth your time than my blog!

Philadelphia's Own,

All Cheese. No Steak!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

E-pauly & Other Blog Plugs

Paul at has reprinted The Folly of Valentine's Day this week. I was surprised to see that he missed my tale of Love under the Big Top , but then again he does drink a lot!

I've no idea what, if anything, I'll have in Malicious Bitch or The Cheers next week. I've got a busy week ahead of me with the Vegas Brothers Show and my trip to Duluth, MN. So I haven't thought much about writing at all (other than for my beloved blog!)

Some folks who have been kind enough to blog about me or about something stupid I said this week include...

and who could forget...

Visit these people and tell them how much you love them for loving me!

The Penguini Are Flying to Canada!

It is COOLER in Canada, Eh? Kim from Bacon & Eh's, one of my favorite blogs, has been feeling under the weather lately. She also recently celebrated a birthday. On top of all that she's been a big supporter of my work, if not a loyal commentator on this blog.

So I took it upon myself to send her a combination "Happy Birthday-Thank You-Get Well Soon" gift in the form my patented FREE STUFF package.

Well today there is a post at Bacon & Eh's about her little gift as well as this fine photograph!

It is always weird to me, seeing my stuff in someone else's house. Of course, that's why I have the brochures, the collector's cards, and the FREE STUFF: to send it out to clients, friends, fans, etc.. I was very pleased that the package arrived safely and that it suitably cheered up Kim. I just hope she learns how to juggle those little penguins. Penguins so love to fly!

Now that Kim and I have concluded this session of virtual mutual masturbation I figure I should make mention of a few new blog friends and other finds I've come across.

Recently added to the mix is musician, Bud Buckley. His blog is a very cool read indeed, and if you are a performer like me, you get some extra fun out of hearing even more tales of life on the road. There is comfort in finding out musicians are just as unlikely to share info with other musicians as comedians are when talking to other comics. He writes well and he's got sound clips of his music available on his site for your listening (and later CD purchasing) enjoyment.

While reading Bud's blog, I found a link to another Chicago area blogger, For Fuck's Sake. There's some great content from this 34 year old writer with a fear of commitment. Fun stuff. I'm hoping to get back there and read more, maybe even meet her and talk about the writing game one day. She may have more of a writing pedigree than I do so any info on the biz is helpful. Of course writers may be just as hesitant to help out other writers as musicians, comedians, etc.

In any event I hope to do a link exchange with this gal soon. I suppose I should e-mail her and ask for one. At the very least she might come on out to some of my shows once in awhile since I can't count on any of my regular friends to do that anymore. More on that later.

Another person I should e-mail for a link exchange is Tina Dupuy. Tina is also a stand-up comedian and while I haven't had the time to read her blog thoroughly or even decide for myself how funny she really is, I know she is currently stuck working the road in Montana! I've been there. If for no other reason she should have someone read her blog and comfort her in this time of need. She clearly needs a friend right now! For God's sake, HELP! I found her blog while visiting the very strange and extremely entertaining Curse the Conscious Blog. Funky Freddie, if you're out there and want to link up, drop me an e-mail too! Love your blog!

For reasons nobody can truly understand I have done a link exchange with Handy Randy of the 60 Cent Blog fame. What can I say? The little fuckwad grows on you after awhile. Kind of like crabs without all the blue ointment. Go read his bizarre rants and learn some new curse words or something.

Some other blogs I don't mention often enough:

I Told You Jesus has a Thing for Me!

Photo: Andy Martello

Check out this photo from last night's gig. Pretty cool, huh?

I worked the very first Family Night at the First United Methodist Church of Lombard. It was an event with ice cream, a rock band, and a big-time celebrity show performed by yours truly!

This was free to attend and they had quite a good turnout, making the evening a success all around. I hear they sold candles to pay for the ice cream and my show, which is very cool! I hope they have many more Family Nights like this one and ask me back again.

As a side note, the most surreal part of the evening came after my show, when the band took the stage. It was a 3-piece rock band of teens playing devotional rock & pop song, the perfect show for a church night. That was not the surreal part.

The band played only about 3-5 songs and all of them featured the exact same 1-4-5 chord progression found in the song, "Louie Louie". Knowing what you do about my odd fascination with that song you can imagine how strange it was for me to think the next song was "Louie Louie" (NOT a traditional Christian rock tune) and then hear "Lord, Lift Your Name on High". Every time the band asked for people to sing along if they knew the words I expected someone to yell out, "NOBODY knows the words to Louie Louie!" It was just funny to me and it made the evening much more entertaining on a personal level.

The joke about rock bands is that you only have to know three chords to play. Specifically, you need only know the chords to "Louie Louie". Make notes young musicians, there is no genre that will shun you if you know the classic 1-4-5!

In all, the evening was great fun for me, and I hope to work for this fine group again soon!

OOH! Maybe I can get my new blog friend, Bud Buckley to record a version of Louie Louie for me! I see new blogging fun with this idea!

Friday, February 11, 2005

Coming Soon!

I Give You A Preview of the

2005 Andy Martello Collector's Trading Card!

God, I'm Cool!


Oh Yeah!  You Want One!!


Of course these will be included in my packs of FREE STUFF, should anyone get up the urge to send me a fan pic. I still have a few of the 2004, 2003, & 2002 cards left. Check out my website to get a look at them.

E-mail me if you want one. You can also check out the entire line of Superstar Performer's Collector's Cards by visiting their website.

April Saw the FIRST Groundhog of the Year!

I know that Groundhog Day is traditionally the day we all see a groundhog, but that's all staged nonsense. I'm talking about random groundhog sightings in the wild, here. Well, as wild as the suburbs of Chicago can get I imagine.

We have a mall here just a short drive from our home, that we call The Groundhog Mall. We call it this because in the surrounding out-lots along the perimeter of the mall are many, MANY groundhogs roaming free. My brother and I even went out there over the course of a couple of days to capture as many little whistlepigs on video as we could. Very cool!

Get Off My Lawn!
(Still Shot from our Stupid Video Trips)

During the spring, summer, & fall months April and I like to go for short drives and see how many groundhogs are about. We keep track of how many we see in one pass through the lot and last year we saw close to 20 of them. The Groundhog Mall is one of our favorite little amenities of the area.

We also keep track of when we see out first and last groundhog of the year. Normally around here we don't see any so early in February because the temperature is still so cold, the groundhogs are still hibernating. It has been unseasonably warm around here for a few weeks and the ground below has risen in temperature. Hence, our first groundhog sighting of the year!

I'm sure this makes no sense to most of you. April loves these furry little critters and it makes her happy to see them frolicking around, especially in a place so commercial and populated like a shopping mall. We like to go on nature hikes, zoos, and the like just to see animals. Seeing them in the wild is always more fun somehow. Having our own little place where we can see free-range groundhogs at will is always big silly fun for us.

Of course now one chunk of the land has finally been sold to a new tenant and a big portion of our groundhog spotting territory will be lost to commerce. We knew this would happen, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing. There's still lots of good places to see these guys, but it will not be the same. With hope, not too many of the little guys will be harmed during construction. I have to tell April that the groundhogs are aware of the oncoming building and are relocating as we speak. Ah well. At least we had two full years filled with fun at The Groundhog Mall.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Check Out The Vegas Bros. This Valentine's Day at Comedy Comedy, in Lisle, IL!


That's right, The fabulous Vegas Bros. Comedy & Variety Show
will be making a stop at
Comedy Comedy in Lisle, IL Monday February 14th at 8:00 PM.

This show stars legendery performers,
Lance Vegas, Mikey Vegas, Andy Vegas, Bobby Jay Vegas,
and our beloved little brother, Eddie Vegas.

The show features music, stand-up comedy, juggling and other useless talents, improv comedy, and MORE!

I can think of no better way to enjoy VD than with 5 guys in tuxedos.

Don't miss the first (and maybe the LAST) performance of this great show!

Happy Chinese New Year!

In case you weren't aware, it is the year of the ROOSTER!
I can think of no better way to celebrate than purchasing
the OFFICIAL T-Shirt of the Chinese New Year,

If you are having trouble seeing the above design clearly
(seems to be some bumps on the image, THANKS to Mrs. Fu-Qtoo!)
you can see a better picture below.
Well, a clearer picture at least!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

A Woman is Only a Woman...

Poetry isn't it? Those are the immortal and eerily accurate words of Mr. Rudyard Kipling.

Given the uncharacteristically GAY tone of my last post about Rick Springfield I thought it would be necessary to overcompensate with a macho cigar post.

Of course, some would argue that the phallic nature of cigars would make this another GAY post. But I'll soon change all that.

Yes a woman IS only a woman and a good cigar is a smoke. However, a good looking woman with a cigar is SMOKIN'!

While I don't smoke as many cigars as I used to I do still love them and enjoy them when I can. While looking through some of my old files on the hard drive I remembered I had amassed quite a good collection of beautiful women with cigars.

I'll spare you some of the naked photos and some of the more "Clintonesque" photos I have, but in order to being my blood back to boiling for the ladies again I have posted a few nice photos.

There are some great old cigar ads featuring lovely young ladies out there. Maybe if I make another post touting the virtues of some other 80's pop heartthrob I'll post my Cohiba ad. For now this above photo will serve the purpose nicely.

Of course, my all-time favorite photo with a lady and a stogie is this one you see here. Why is this picture so special to me? Well for one, this is one very HOT brunette. I like the brunettes!

Next, this one is a modern-day version of the classic tease photo. You don't see anything and yet you see EVERYTHING. Great shot!

But most important to me is the fact that this lady is wearing my tuxedo jacket! OK, it is not my exact jacket, though I'd give the last 10 years of my life to have a great story about how she got the damned thing. I have this exact style jacket and wear it often for my shows.

Don't believe me? Check it out!

Now don't bother leaving a comment about how much better SHE looks in the jacket than I do. Believe me, I KNOW!

I loved that jacket the first time I saw it and use it less and less for fear of wearing it out completely. I should have bought a dozen of them! Had I the cash, I surely would have! Hell I'd have bought them in every color, they are so damned cool!

When I was smoking more cigars I used to get together every once in awhile with some friends and "herf" a bunch of smokes. If more of my cigar cohorts were around here I'd surely be hanging out with them more often.

This may sound silly but I believe that a good cigar is probably the one luxury that every good man truly deserves to enjoy. Most other things are just icing. The cigar is the cake!

I enjoyed a fine stogie all this evening along with a tasty cocktail. I sometimes smoke while I'm writing and it seems to make the creative process move along nicely. Cigars are just wonderful creations. They are among the only products left in the world that are still made predominantly by hand.

I tend to get along better with people who smoke cigars as opposed to people who don't. And I REALLY like a lady that enjoys a good cigar!

Rick Springfield Fans, UNITE!!!

I want to tell them that they're wrong, but the point is probably moot!

This post is primarily for the benefit of my lovely wife, April. April is one of Rick's Loyal Supporters and needless to say, my home has become very Rick-Friendly in the last few years.

Since Mr. Springfield can't blow his nose without me hearing about it first I find it hard to believe that I didn't hear about this from the fans. If they did in fact mention this and disregard it as hooey then I apologize for bringing up a sore subject.

The photo you see above is from the Awful Plastic Surgery website. This site is usually quite entertaining as it points out some horrible results of celebrity vanity gone wrong. You can see some amazing before and after pics of various celebs and how they have ruined their appearance by over-paying for bad plastic surgery. Always fun. Of course this seems to be a bit inaccurate, even for a jaded husband of a Rick fan like myself.

50-Something!Since the fan club once named me Husband of the Month for being so patient in indulging my wife's obsession I feel it is necessary to come to the defense of the man who penned "Jesse's Girl" (I'm more of a "Love is Alright Tonight" kind of guy, but that doesn't mean I'm a monster!).

This site claims Rick ruined his upper lip with collagen and I have to say that the "after" picture, taken recently, does not convincingly show any signs of bad surgery. It DOES show the affects of about 25 years worth of age. The guy is something like 54 years old now and looks better than I'll ever look at any age. If you check out any of the photos at Rick's official site or the fan site, I'm sure you'll be able to see the adorable little cupid's bow of an upper lip that brought ladies to their knees (often I dare say!) back in the day.

LOOK!  He's Speaking to the Sky!I'm not all hot for Mr. Springfield. I just want my wife's hero to be as perfect as she thinks he is.

That is why I've peppered this post with photos I took at a show we attended back in 2003 at Potowatomi Casino in Milwaukee.

That way, when the fans stumble upon this post when doing their regular searches for all things Rick they can not only see the bastards that have attempted to tarnish their hero, but they can see some never before seen photos from their past Husband of the Month. Ain't I a sweetie?

Granted, the guy who runs the surgery site is merely stating his own personal opinion about whether or not there's been any surgical mishap, but if he's wrong then I would encourage all Rick fans to contact him and get him to set the record straight. You might also want to post a message at their bulletin boards and state your opinion.

I Wish That I Had Andy's Girl!All told, I have enjoyed EVERY concert I've gotten to see with my wife. He puts on an excellent show and if you are a fan you'll NEVER find a more fan-friendly entertainer anywhere. He goes out of his way to make every person who has paid for a CD, a t-shirt, and a concert ticket feel great about their choice. He even upon occasion has some fan meet & greet sessions. That's where this photos was taken.

This was from a different show, also at Potowatomi. I edited out my wife from the pic as she hates to have her picture posted online without her permission. Rest assured, she's a babe and Rick was MOST unhappy to find out she was married to a fat fool like me!

By the way, Rick has a BLOG that he posts to often. His dog, Gomer, actually owns the blog but he graciously allows Rick to post whenever he wants to do so.

 Woof, woof.  Bark, GRRRRR-fart!

Monday, February 07, 2005

I Want to Go to The Roadhouse

I want to go to The Roadhouse.

I want to head up to Canada and meet e-pauly so he can take me to The Roadhouse.

I want to watch a sporting event at The Roadhouse.

I want to help these ladies dry their t-shirts at The Roadhouse.

I want to drink at The Roadhouse, eat at The Roadhouse, sleep at The Roadhouse.

The only thing I don't want to do...

Mop the floors (especially the men's room floor) at The Roadhouse.

I Think My Snail is Dead

I'm trying to keep it together, but my Black Mystery Snail, barely in this house for a month, may be dead and I'm devastated just thinking about the prospect.

I know nothing about snails nor do I have much knowledge about their lifespan. I know that they're dirt cheap at the pet store and I can only assume that means a month is a good long time for a Black Mystery Snail. I mean really, the Macaws can live 90 years and they're thousands of dollars.

The shell has been sitting motionless at the bottom of the tank for hours now. I lifted him out of the water and there was in fact a snail still in there. But not seeing any movement since then doesn't give me much hope that my beloved snail is still among us.

Funny thing, I can find all sorts of info about snails online and yet there's no info to tell you how to recognize a dead snail. Does anybody really know anything about these guys? All I know is that I have been fascinated by his mighty snailness ever since he showed up and NOW I have to start thinking about whether or not I should replace him. Not good. Not good at all.

I'll be sure to keep you posted. April is trying to claim she's seen a difference in his placement (at the bottom of the tank) but I think she's just trying to protect my feelings. I'd do the same thing if her cat Phil died. "No honey, Phil has been sleeping with his legs straight up in the air for weeks now. You just haven't noticed because you've been working so hard lately."

The V.D. Switcheroo

In an effort to bring my work to more people and to give me a little breathing room when writing new pieces for my various publications I've decided to flop-flop the V.D. articles between Malicious Bitch and The Cheers. So...

Read The Folly of Valentine's Day at Malicious Bitch and Love Under The Big Top at The Cheers. That is, if you haven't done so already.

How about the mini drama going on within the comment fields of my blog and Handy Randy's? Silly nonsense isn't it? But then again, that is what the internet seems to be all about. I told him over there that I'd happily do a link exchange if he wanted but that seemed only get other alter-egos to swear at me. LOL! Still, we both had many comments yesterday. There may be something to this nonsense.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Puppy Bowl = GENIUS!!!

I don't watch football. It is a stupid game, played by stupid people and often watched by stupid fans. OK, I'm probably wrong. All football players and football fans are MENSA members. Whatever, that's not the point.

While flipping through channels tonight waiting for the new episode of The Entertainer, Starring Wayne Newton (Gotta love bad reality television programming set in Las Vegas!) my wife stumbled upon the single most genius piece of television programming ever: Animal Planet's PUPPY BOWL!


Let me set the scene. From 8 PM to 11 PM the channel featured THREE HOURS of puppies frolicking and playing in an area made to look like a football field. That's it. Three hours of puppies playing on a fake football field. BRILLIANT!

Now there were some special amenities to this simple programming. The had aerial camera angles as well as field-level cameras capturing the action and nothing was as adorable as the "bowl cam". The bowl cam was a camera underneath a glass water bowl, giving you a great view of puppies drinking and playing in their water dish.

Let's add a little more fun to this. They also had instant replays, often of puppies sniffing, licking, or attempting other unspeakable things to another dogs ass. There was a referee that would come in and call a penalty any time a dog "did his business" on the field. The referee also had a napkin or pooper-scooper on hand. Every so often, from one corner of the field, a new puppy would slide onto the field and even more playful puppy fun would commence. Once again, BRILLIANT!

Periodically there would be ads for Animal Planet shows, and announcements for how you could adopt a puppy through a website. It was a great little show that was both soothing and entertaining. I am sure this did a lot to bring attention to the shelters and pet adoption agencies throughout the U.S. They even have a DVD of the program for sale, which you can imagine, I'm going to buy own!

What I really liked about this idea was the simplicity of it all. They knew that most people would be watching the Super Bowl and rather than waste the time on other programs, they chose to air the least expensive programming they could broadcast. I'm sure that there were actually quite a lot of people that saw this and I know they did some great work to promote pet adoption. I'd watch this if it were a regular show. Hell, I'd watch it if it were on from 2:00 AM to 5:00 AM! It was FUN!

So KUDOS to Animal Planet for the best programming available on the worst television day of the year; Super Bowl Sunday.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I Needed this Weekend

I know it isn't over yet and that means there's still time to ruin my whole life, but I needed this weekend.

January was so miserable with regard to the amount of entertainment work I had I came very close to just going to McDonalds and buying a hair net.

February is busy as all hell for me this year and this weekend has me performing at five different venues. One more tomorrow and then I have a little break. Around the 11th things start in busy again.

I needed the money.
I needed the work.
I needed to feel like an entertainer again.

I NEEDED this weekend!

Friday, February 04, 2005

President Kennedy (Ossie Davis) and Dean Wormer (John Vernon)

My brain is filled with SAND!Very sad news today.

Just when I was done saying, "Oh nooooo" about the death of veteran character actor, John Vernon (Animal House & Killer Klowns from Outer Space) I had to hear the news about the death of legendery actor, and co-star of Bubba Ho-Tep, Ossie Davis.

Sure these guys had great careers and made more "important" films, but the films I remember them for will keep them fondly in my heart and in my DVD collection forever.

Later Thoughts (About 3:00 PM CST)

What strikes me about these two deaths in particular is the loss of these great voices. These guys had memorable voices that accented their portrayals of their characters beautifully.

You listen to Davis doing narration or voiceover work in Babe or in the Ken Burns Baseball documentary and you just know it is him and you're happy to hear the voive.

Vernon's voice in Animal House or just about any role he played clearly illustrated how the sound of the words can be just as important as the delivery of them.

I just found out that boxing champion Max Schmeling died today at the age of 99. In a way you can say that three heavyweights died today.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Great Minds Think Alike

PhotoShop.  Is There Anything it Can't Do? While traversing the pages of my favorite new blog, An American Parrothead in Canada, I found this little gem.
I didn't bother watching the Union of the Red States last night. Just too depressing. I thought this would fit my mood nicely.

It is telling, sad, and yet somehow appropriately triumphant to know that the ratings for the single broadcast of American Idol, beat out the ratings for G-Dub's rhetorical speech of the Union's status and his accomplishments on ALL THREE NETWORKS COMBINED! I guess music shows are more interesting than blatant lies.

Speaking of music, you can get all sorts of great music reviews and opinions at the Parrothead blog or his other blog, Good Rockin' Tonight. Anyone who likes The Donnas, Bubba Ho-Tep, and most importantly, Joe Walsh deserves my attention as well as yours!

Don't Mess with Texans Mad at Other TexansSeeing this special picture and enjoying the sentiment behind it as I do, I am reminded of a similar idea brought to you by my good friends at Fu-Qtoo. Bear in mind that these guys are Texans and they may have even voted for G-Dub at one point. To have them be moved to create such a shirt is pretty telling of just how bad things are and how much worse they might become for us regular folks. Those Texans usually protect their own sumpin fierce y'know.

Enough of this ranting and political nonsense. I rarely talk politics because of all the emotion it stirs. So let me chat about some good stuff.

Check out the NEW TEMPLATE at Bitchitude! Very click looking and snazzy. I need one of those things! Seems like I've outgrown this standard old template here. Any genius programmers out there want to make one for me for...uh...FREE, just drop me a line!

Hmmm...mentioning a cool new blog template isn't enough to cleanse the palate from all that political stuff. I need something that will not only clear the mind of all things G-Dub, but it will distract the Bush supporters who are all mad at me AND endear me to them once again.


DON'T click HERE if you don't like photos of BEAUTIFUL NAKED BLONDE WOMEN enjoying one another's company. Hear that sound? That's the sound of me sucking a fart out of Luba's ass! Thanks to Attu for that!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Hehehe...Darth Tater!

Photo: Entertainment Weekly. The Forks Be With You! Thank GOD SciFiDaily takes care of all the important news in the world of science fiction! I wouldn't have the time nor the patience to sift through it all and find high-quality content. Those guys are THE BEST! They also write great post headlines! Hmmm...Another great blog? Must be more guys from Chicago!

But then again, thank my lovely wife April for having a subscription to Entertainment Weekly (A magazine I REALLY need to be writing for. DAMN those guys are funny sometimes!). Were it not for her (and EW)I wouldn't have been made aware of the Darth Vader Mr. Potato Head doll coming out this year!

This was #2 on EW's current "Must List" and I have to agree, this is a MUST HAVE! This MAY be even cooler than the Spock Monkey!

Sure, there will be some hardcore Star Wars freaks out there that will think this is just another in a long series of unforgivable sins from George "No really, the next movie won't suck nor will it make you feel as though your childhood has been stolen!" Lucas. But those guys are just assholes!

To the folks who can't live in a universe where a Darth Tater exists, don't let the pod bay doors hit you in the ass on your way out!

Long Live Darth Tater!