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Monday, January 31, 2005

Andy Writes About V.D.! OH, the HORROR!

As expected I have written a couple of articles that address the coming event known as Valentine's Day. Well, technically I only wrote ONE article about V.D. but the other piece seemed strangely appropriate for the upcoming horror-day.

That piece, Love Under the Big Top, is featured at my newest FAVORITE internet home, Malicious Bitch. This week they are running a special V.D. issue and my submission is just one of several excellent works to amuse, confuse, and amaze your little hearts.

My story, as you may be able to divine from the title, is another odd tale from my life working for various circuses and variety shows. I had a few rather special relationships during my days working the road and this one is among my more memorable, if not one that I am more than willing to share.

People have always seemed to like my anecdotes about the strange animal encounters I had with the circus, and this story is one for the record books! I really shouldn't spoil the surprise for you here. Let me just say that it is one unusual tale of unrequited love. Please head on over and check it out. When you're done, please feel free to comment about the article here or at the very active MBC Bitch Sessions Forums.

Next we have a commentary about V.D. called The Folly of Valentine's Day. You can find this little gem at The Cheers. People had better start reading this magazine in greater numbers soon or I'm going to have to stop writing for them. I started this little misadventure in the hopes to build an audience and gain some credibility as a writer. This March I will have been their most regular of contributors for one full year and I may have to move on to greener pastures. So please,! I know that Fark and Dave's Daily don't really care much for us, so we have to rely on REAL people to make us a success. I choose YOU to be those real people!

As always, thanks for reading and playing here at the old blog. I never know if this is "worth it" or not, but I always have fun providing useless content for your reading pleasure.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Andy Martello is On the Road! Feb 16-20, Duluth, MN

Alright you primitive screwheads! (I can never resist the chance to quote a line from the Evil Dead movies!) Listen up!

I will be appearing daily at the 2005 Duluth Sport, Boat & Travel Show this February 16th through the 20th.

The event is held at the DECC, in downtown Duluth, Minnesota, right across from the aquarium and not far from the Saratoga club, a lovely little strip club I am somewhat familiar with [ahem!].

I am hoping that some of the folks reading this blog might be close enough to Duluth to make the trip and say HI! This is a great trade show and I always have a great time when I'm out there. Duluth is a fun little town and I am very happy to be back at this event.

I'll be doing several 15-minute shows every day. Check out my website calendar for complete show details.

Come on out! Shop for boats! See a show!

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Anybody Know How to Make Webring?

I got me this stupid idea that there should be a webring for people named Andy that also have blogs.

Why not? There are webrings for just about everyone else. There are webrings for fans of movies, actors, TV shows, knitters, bird watchers - there are webrings for all sorts of different interests and sites. Why not a webring for bloggers named Andy?

I think it should be something simple like the "Bloggers Named Andy Webring". Has a nice (web) RING to it, doesn't it? We could allow Andys, Andrews, Andies, Andees (if there are any) - heck, I COULD be convinced to let in a few Drews if I had to. But first thing's first, I have no idea how to create a webring.

Anyone out there have the simple HTML know-how out there? Anyone want to create the Andy webring for me in exchange for some FREE STUFF? Just drop me a line and let me know.

I want to add even more crapola to the internet and this seems like the best way to go about it. I suppose I could create a webring for the folks who use the same blog template as me, but that would be just silly!

Friday, January 28, 2005

More About "The Aristocrats"

Best Joke EVER!I just finished reading the review of the film, "The Aristocrats", posted at

Needless to say I am very pleased that at least one reviewer LOVED IT!

I have been waiting for a long, LONG time for this to come out and with hope I'll be able to see it locally in a short while.

Please CLICK HERE to read the review by Jason Calacanis.

Click HERE to see & hear a special rendition from the South Park characters. A word of advice...don't listen to this at work. You'll get fired!

See Why I Love Fu-Qtoo?

PhotoShop Rocks!

They are not only big fans of mine, but they are willing to use their graphics and PhotoShop skills to create naked fans of mine! I've already sent them some free stuff for Mrs. Fu-Qtoo's pics, but I'm sure that I'll send SOMETHING out to them for their efforts.

Thanks guys!

(PSST! The uncensored version of this pic is in the Fan Pics section! )
I listed this as "MR. Fu-Qtoo"

You Gotta Have F-R-I-E-N-D-S!

In this world of mutual virtual masturbation known as blogging, one is occasionally fortunate enough to have some folks blog about YOU and send traffic your way. I am no exception to this ego-pleasing practice. this week seems to be busy for old Andy. Where to start...

How about Bitchitude? That seems like a good place to begin. If you head on over there you will not only find great rants and essays, you will find an entire thread about shamelessly plugging other people's works and blog posts. That sweet Bitch was kind enough to mention my selfish need for fan pics at her blog and I'm most appreciative for the extra help in this endeavor.

Why do I want fan pics? I'm an entertainer and therefore very fragile and easily depressed. I like love and adoration even if I have to bribe someone for it all! More importantly, I just MAY get a fan pic like THIS ONE found at the I'll know I'm gaining fans when boobs start showing up in my e-mail!

Speaking of Fu-Qtoo, I have to thank them for coming to my defense. They found out about my latest hate mail posted at The Cheers and felt it necessary to rant about this guy. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion...but I choose to like Fu-Qtoo's opinion about me more than my anonymous detractor. I'm funny that way. They even mentioned my FIRST piece for The Cheers in their post. I love these guys!

And speaking of The Cheers, fellow Cheers journalist and all-around kick-ass lady, Marjo Moore took some time to make mention of my latest Cheers article. Sure she may have selfish motives for doing this seeing as how she inspired me to write the darned thing, but it is always nice to be mentioned! Head on over to her blog and read some of the "crap" she's been writing lately!

On Tuesday of this week, Kim from Bacon & Eh's was kind enough to throw in a subtle little plug for my Jesus article at The Cheers. Those Canadians are sneaky! I never fully trusted Alan Thicke for this reason.

Lastly, is giving an extra week's worth of life to my latest plea to Berkeley Breathed. If you miss it at The Cheers, check it out there!

Thanks as always to everyone for the support, the comments, the rants, and the friendship! I'd kiss you all if it weren't for..."my little problem".

Thursday, January 27, 2005

More Old Photos. Wait! Is THAT...Teddy Ruxpin?

LOOK! I'm Holding My Balls!Rolling right along with the photos from my checkered past, I give you some photos of me in a checkered jacket!

Well it is not really a checkered jacket. It is not even a houndstooth pattern. I called this my "white noise" pattern because it looked like a TV tuned to a nonexistent channel.

I got this thing from The Chess King (Anyone remember those stores?) and believe it or not I only RECENTLY got rid of it! It had these baggy sleeves and BIG shoulder pads. I always said I got it from Jay Leno's garage sale and it always got a laugh on stage.

The REAL bit of cool fashion to look at are the shoes. Those were 75th Anniversary, Limited Edition Converse High Tops. (They MAY have been 65th or 70th Anniversay shoes, I forget now) There were only 3 colors of these bad boys available and I wore these with PRIDE! I wish I still had them. They're probably worth money now.

Other things to look for in this photo...The Shaker Cups & Rings (as seen in an earlier post), juggling clubs (which I RARELY use anymore, clown shoes (to imply I'm funny?) and yes, that IS a Teddy Ruxpin doll!

I used to do a bit on stage where I would simulate a ventriloquist with the Teddy Ruxpin. I'd hit the tape on the doll, it would do its creepy talking thing, and then I would take a drink of water. I was too hip for the room in many cases, but when the joke went over, it KILLED! How sad is that? I still have the damned bear! Anyone want it? Make me an offer!

Teddy Ruxpin Was the Biggest Star I Could Find.This photo was my attempt at casual humor. I'm reading the article about me in the Park Ridge Advocate (as made famous in my Jesus story!) and Teddy is sitting next to me. I'm WEARING the clown shoes this time and sitting on an old trunk.

I always liked the idea of reading a story about me in a photo of me. I was still taking on a few clown gigs but didn't REALLY want to promote that too much. Hence, I would imply I was a clown with the shoes, but not go out of my way to encourage people to hire me as a clown.

That trunk (the same as in the above pic) was purchased at an antique store for $25.00 and I bought it specifically to take these photos. It looked so old-tyme vaudeville I had to have it. My mother has the trunk to this day and uses it for storage and as a coffee table. EVERYONE who sees it wants to buy it.

Good Lord!!!While many of the photos from this shoot were never used, I did pluck a couple of them for my SECOND brochure. I'll post some scans of my first brochure another time (it is SCARY!).

Before I started using my latest brochure, THIS ONE was the best one I'd ever had. It REALLY sold the act well and served me for a long time! This is just the cover but it is very cool, even by my jaded standards of today.

I really liked the vaudeville poster feel of this and if I'm remembering correctly, I got the idea for the layout from an old promo sheet from a local performer, Jerry Ashton. I'll have to look for his poster somewhere in my archives and tell you about him some day.

The brochure features the BEST clown photo ever taken of me. Thankfully for my wife who HATES clowns, that photo is no more. But that pic was taken in the alley behind the local newspaper office in Marengo, IL. The pic looked like I was in Europe or something and was very expressive.

Believe it or not, this brochure actually sold my act and brought me into a lot of people's homes. I'll take some time to show you the inside and make sufficient fun of myself for you. Of course, if you'd like to make fun of me, my comments button is always open!

Welcome Sundance Film Festival Bloggers!

It seems my post regarding the film, "The Aristocrats" has been linked from the very cool Sundance Film Festival Blog, As a result I have had quite a few new readers coming through Andy Land.

Hmmm...MovieIn an attempt to make this blog a little more interesting to the film buffs I would like to direct your attention to a film by my good friend Frank Stokes. His film, "Buttleman" is currently in the Had to Be Made Film Festival and I figured that once all these Sundance fans are done Sundancing the night away, they might be interested in seeing this film at thier leisure from the comforts of their own home. Buttleman stars John Hawkes and did extremely well at the Chicago Indie Fest this past summer (a fest sponsored by the Sundance Channel).

Please CLICK HERE to read my post about the film and the Had to Be Made Fest. You can see this great dark comedy without having to worry about the traffic, the snow, and the higher prices of food in Colorado.

Related Links:

Frank Stokes at IMDB
Buttleman Blog

Buttleman Reviews:

Rotten Tomatoes
Film Threat
Camille Jacks on Docuology

More Hate Mail. Or is this "Hate MALE"?

I love all my readers. I know not all readers will love me, especially when I write BROAD opinions and humor pieces like "You Gonna Eat That?"

Check out the latest (and given how long ago this was published at The Cheers I do mean LATEST). I have already posted my response at The Cheers. Enjoy!

anon. 2005-01-27 08:37:44

If this had been written by a woman it would have been - rightly - rejected as sexist twaddle.I know it was intended to be humourous but - even so - it really is both juvenile and innaccurate.I'm sure what is written is true about the (presumably very young) writer and his mates, but *real* men - grown up men - are much more complex and deeper than this, and not just in order to get laid. In fact, once a young man gets used to the idea of having sex on a fairly regular basis (something I suspect still eludes the writer) he becomes able to write great literature, analyse complex scientific problems, buid - not destoy - while cities and, eventually, to love like a true adult, and to cherish children - at least until they become as irritatingly facile and shallow as he was as a very yopung man. Then the whole process starts all over again.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Can't Attu See I'm hurt?

I thought we were friends.

Attu has posted a link about juggling and the science behind it. In fact he showed some sort of interest in even learning how to juggle.

Why, oh why, Attu did you not come to me first? Aren't I the resident juggler in your list of blog friends? I have one of the single most popular websites of any professional juggler out there and I've got a kick ass blog to boot!

Ah well, at least he still posts lots of photos of Luba. ;)

The Aristocrats! Readers! Click HERE!

I'm so glad I saw this post at the Happyscrappy Blog!

I've known about this project for some time but have not done much homework about the status.

The Aristocrats is the name of a film being made by Penn Jillette (Penn & Teller) and Paul Provenza (comedian). It is also the name of the greatest joke ever told. Sure it CAN be among the most vulgar jokes in history, but that doesn't make it any less funny.

I won't tell the joke here, but I will say that every comedian has their own special way of telling the joke. I've always known the joke as "The Sophisticates" but that's just one of the little nuances to the joke.

The film is designed to be a compilation of different comedians and their interpretations of this joke, along with some history, and great footage of the joke in action. I'm sure I'm not even coming one bit close to giving the film a good description. But I WILL be seeing this film and owning the DVD should it ever come out because as a comedian this is one fascination idea for a film.

Wanna hear the joke? Click HERE to see & hear a special rendition from the South Park characters. A word of advice...don't listen to this at work. You'll get fired!

Other links about the joke & film: Visit Happyscrappy Readers! Click HERE!

Want Free Stuff?

Welcome to everyone from all the various freebies & giveaway sites and bulletin boards out there. Please take a look around and actually read some of the things here. I'm happy to send out goodies, but I'm even happier to send it out to epeople who have been enjoying my work.

If you're just here to get something for nothing, then please head HERE & follow the instructions on how to receive a free Andy Martello Collector's Card. It's easy. I'll give you a hint...You e-mail me and ask nicely for one and I'll send it out. If you want all the goodies found here (or whatever I still have in stock) you have to follow the instructions below.

I would like to remind you all, I am looking for Andy Land fans to send me some fan sign snapshots. There seems to be far too much confusion about what a fan pic really is. Just sending me a photo of yourself or a penguin, no matter how adorable you both are, doesn't make it a fan pic. Sure some of the Penguini Posse have those types of photos represented, but regular readers know exactly what they did to receive their goodies.

One HOT Juggler!

I've already provided a link to one series of fan pics, but to make it even easier, click HERE, or HERE, or how about HERE!

Why should you take a snapshot of yourself holding a fan sign? Because I'll send you a present!

Yep, take a snapshot of you holding an Andy Martello fan sign and send it to me and I'll send you an Andy Martello collector's trading card!

Grab your woman, It's Louie Louie TIME!Post the shots at your own blog along with a link to this site or my main website and I'll send you a CD of some of my favorite versions of Louie Louie.

Think of it. TWENTY FIVE different versions of the world's most useless song all for yourself!

(CD is for Archival and Novelty Purposes only and is NOT to be SOLD! I've got enough problems without some angry musicians and their lawyers on my ass!).

Lastly, if the fan pic you post at your blog somehow manages to feature either a penguin (or some penguin reference or theme) or a lovely hot lady in lingeire(OK, that's just me & some wishful thinking) you may well receive this adorable 7" Penguin plush toy!

MMMmmm...7 inch penguins!How can you go wrong with that? Take a fan pic, throw a penguin in there and BOOM! You have a penguin of your very own to clutter up your cubicle. Sounds like a winner to me!

As a side note, I certainly appreciate if some of my fans are young HOTTIES in lingerie, but that is not a necessity. I'm a big dumb male and I always appreciate photos of scantily clad women. Plus, I'm curious to see what sort of response I actually get. The internet does bring about some funny critters ya know.

Truth be told, I'll probably send you any or all of this crap regardless. I just want the fan pics and the extra traffic.

More importantly, I'm just that insecure about my fan base that I just want regular readers and true believers to send in some fan pics for the fun of it all.

There are a few things to realize here.

  1. You also have to send me your mailing address! Otherwise I can send you neither Jack nor shit!
  2. Also understand that I'm not made of cash! So please, one item per customer. If you want to upgrade and take better or naughtier shots later I'm sure we can work something out (Heh!).
  3. If you post pics to your own website or blog, keep them up for at least a week so I can reap the benefits of a little extra traffic. Of course, you can keep them up forever if you'd like. Lord knows I'll be keeping them up here for a long time.
  4. Lastly, this is all based upon availability of supplies and goodies as well as my own amount of time to dedicate to this nonsense. I'd love to make this a lifetime thing, but who knows how long I'll be writing or performing, much less blogging. I guess I'm saying I can send out whatever I want to whomever I want or send nothing at all. But for now...When the toys run out or I'm so sick of this crap that I can't see straight anymore...GAME OVER!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Gunstar Shot a Dildo At My Head!

I don't know what you call this kind of "Tag! You're it!" blog posting, but I failed to answer one of them tossed over to me by Gunstar, I'm not going to miss this one.

This list of questions was started by Attu, and passed along to folks at other blogs. Once answered they must in turn pass them forward until the whole of the internet knows the answers to all of life's most important questions. Such as...

1. Have you ever used toys or other things during sex?

Yes. Wait! Does playing Hungry Hungry Hippos naked count?

2. Would you consider using dildos or other sexual toys in the future?

Oh my, yes! One day, I hope to use an actual WOMAN. I've got my fingers crossed!

3. What is your kinkiest fantasy you have yet to realize?

You mean OTHER than my answer to question #2? Hmmm...Chicago comedian turned L.A. hopeful, Scott Perlman had a great joke; "My brother told me he had sex with two women once. I haven't had sex with one woman TWICE." I think I will make that my unfulfilled fantasy. That and something having to do with sucking a fart out of Veronica Zemanova's ass.

4. Who gave you this dildo?

I got this from Gunstar, who got it from The Goose. The goose got it from D-Sign and he received it from Attu. I was hoping to get this from Naomi, but she doesn't give me the time of day, much less a dildo. Come to think of it, it would have been nice to get this from Missy Mae but I'm pretty sure she's still mad at me. Sacha could have sent it to me, but she really concentrates on giving good blog.

5. Who are the ones to receive this dildo from you?

I won't be sending out any e-mails, but I am hopeful these folks will find it on their own. I think Kim from Bacon & Eh's would have some funny answers, but I doubt I'll see them on her blog. I think SleekBlackMercedes from the Hustler Diaries would have something to add to this lunacy. And I'd be happy if anyone from the Malicious Bitch family would like to chime in with a response.

There ya go! What did I win?

Looking for Something to Read? You're In LUCK!

As luck would have it I have a few things in a few magazines that are PERFECT for your office time-wasting. We'll start with the folks that have been publishing me the longest, The Cheers.

If you have been reading my work for a long time now, you know I have been trying to pander to (stalk) cartoonist Berkeley Breathed in order to gain some "celebrity" recognition as well as a personalized Opus the Penguin sketch for my collection. Other than the articles themselves I have not directly done anything to gain Berkeley's attention. I expect the power of the internet and the growing Andy fans to get his attention for me. It makes me seem even cooler y'know.

Anyway, the latest plea to Breathed, "Opus IV: A New Hope" is running at The Cheers. This article is particularly amusing because it was inspired completely by the lovely and talented Marjo Moore. I'm sure she's removing all links to Andy Land as we speak.

Next we have an article that is reportedly Marjo Moore's FAVORITE Andy Martello essay. "Good Show" is the column of choice for the fine folks at my favorite new publication, Malicious Bitch.

I really am enjoying my association with this e-zine. Maybe it is because all the staffers are from Hawaii and are therefore loopy from all the sunshine and HOT Polynesian women. Whatever the reason, everyone there has treated me very well and I always feel quite relaxed around them. PLUS, I think this magazine has the best chance of leading to bigger and better things for old Andy. They seem to have a little more know-how when it comes to the publishing world. Regardless, they like my work and are stupid enough to publish it so I can highly recommend them to anyone! Look for a rather odd Valentine's Day article there from me soon!

Speaking of the Bitch, PLEASE check out the great interview the Demented Housewife conducted with the Discovery Channel's Toolbelt Diva, Norma Vally. It is a very cool laid back piece and it not like any celebrity interview you've ever read. This all seems appropriate because Norma is not like any other celebrity.

Go. Read. Support!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

R.I.P. Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson
October 23, 1925 - January 23, 2005
The King of Late Night TV

Pauly Likes My Jesus Story and Fu-Qtoo is Enjoying Tales of Equestrian Hygiene

I am always happy when folks find it necessary to promote or republish my articles, especially if they do it without my asking first. was the first site to ask for permission to re-post something from Andy Land on a weekly basis. Occasionally I have to remind him of some articles I have out there or send him things I find worthy of reprint, but that's because Paul likes to DRINK and chase ladies! So it is not like I'm shilling or anything.

Fu-Qtoo is of course a good friend of Andy Land and they are among my biggest supporters, if not the finest t-shirt manufacturers in all the land! When I think I need a few more readers at a particular magazine, they are always quick to post about my work. They even post a few things just because they liked the story and that is among the reasons I wish for great things for their company.

So what does all this have to do with me?

E-Pauly is giving my Jesus Story another week's worth of life. Read "Jesus Likes My Balls!" there if you haven't seen it already.

At the Fu-Qtoo Blog, John has discovered one of my earliest pieces for The Cheers, "Pass the Soap, Wilbur!" If you have ever wanted to know what it is like to shower with a horse then this is the article for YOU!

Thanks to everyone who reads, comments about, recommends, and posts my work. One day I'll be sure to treat you all like lowly fans. But for now you are my best friends!

Friday, January 21, 2005

WOO-HOO! Mrs. Fu-Qtoo!

She's My Cherry Pie!  OK, She's Richard's, but You Get the Idea! Ask and ye shall receive!

What you are looking at are the first Fan Sign Pics for yours truly! Not only are they fan pics, but they are from one of the sweetest ladies on the internet, if not the known universe, Mrs. Fu-Qtoo!

She even posted one on her blog! What was most sweet was how she apologized in her post (and in e-mail form) for not making the pics extra naughty and how she hoped I'd still like them. Isn't that the cutest thing ever? That implies that she really WANTED to tart it up for me, but just couldn't risk breaking Mr. Fu-Qtoo's heart. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. LOL!

Finding these in my inbox and on her blog made my day!

We're supposed to be getting a helluva lot of snow tonight ( which always sucks!) and I just came back from an AWFUL gig filled with snotty brat kids and teachers who didn't give much of a damn about how rude & obnoxious the kids were acting.
Given that I've had very few gigs this month and I REALLY needed the money, having the audience be so loud and disrespectful didn't make my day any brighter. Mrs. Fu-Qtoo changed all that!

Many thanks! Your prizes will be in the mail soon! Keep 'em coming, folks!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Look At All the Pretty Buttons!

To think how happy I was when I found out the folks at Malicious Bitch had made a banner promoting my little crap column is just silly now that I have my very own BLOG BUTTON!

OK, I realize that I am easily impressed and that it doesn't take much to amuse me, but to have my own button that people can steal and use when linking to my kick-ass blog, well now I've made it in the world! Just look at this baby!

Kneel Before My Righteous Buttonosity!
(Button Shown Not Actual Size)

And that's not all! You can steal some buttons for some of the web's OTHER great blogs. Hmmm...I wonder if the HTML Gods can show them to you...

Malicious Bitch
Corporate Crap
Doyle Brooks
MarHo Moore

(Buttons Shown Actual Size Because I'm Insecure & Petty)

Now all I need is someone to take some Fan Signs for me and post them on their own blogs or send them my way! Check out these killer shots that Naomi took for GODDAMMIT I need fans! The pictures are even better on the Fu-Qtoo blog. They seemed to notice the exposed nipple and decided to exploit it's nipply goodness a little better. Oh Yeah!

Of course, I don't expect any of my fans to get quite as naughty or suggestive with their fan signs, but it is encouraged nonetheless! Why should you take a snapshot of yourself holding a fan sign? Because I'll send you a present!

One HOT Juggler!Yep, take a snapshot of you holding an Andy Martello fan sign and send it to me and I'll send you an Andy Martello collector's trading card!

Post the shots at your own blog along with a link and I'll send you a CD of some of my favorite versions of Louie Louie. Think of it. TWENTY FIVE different versions of the world's most useless song all for yourself (CD is for Archival and Novelty Purposes only and is NOT to be SOLD! I've got enough problems without some angry musicians and their lawyers on my ass!).

Now...Post photos of Andy Fan signs that feature penguins or hotties in naughty poses (or better yet, penguins AND hotties in naughty poses) and I'll send you your very own Flying Penguini Juggling Kit! Who doesn't want to learn how to juggle by using their very own penguin-shaped beanbags? Hotties need not be ladies...But I'd sure appreciate it if they were! Heck, you probably don't even need to be a hottie. Just naughty will suffice. ;)

Now there are a few things to realize here.

  1. You KNOW You Want It!Supplies of the Penguini Kits are VERY limited. So don't get all pissy and litigious on me if I run out. I'll send something else that is very Andy-centric and fun. At the very least you'll get a collector's card. The 2005 cards should be out shortly and that will be big silly fun. I burn the CDs myself and those are always a good time!
  2. You also have to send me your mailing address! Otherwise I can send you neither Jack nor shit!
  3. Also understand that I'm not made of cash! So please, one item per customer. If you want to upgrade and take better or naughtier shots later I'm sure we can work something out.
  4. If you post pics to your own website or blog, keep them up for at least a month so I can reap the benefits of a little extra traffic. Of course, you can keep them up forever if you'd like. Lord knows I'll be keeping them up here for a long time.
  5. Lastly, this is all based upon availability of supplies and goodies as well as my own amount of time to dedicate to this nonsense. I'd love to make this a lifetime thing, but who knows how long I'll be writing or performing, much less blogging. I guess I'm saying I can send out whatever I want to whomever I want or send nothing at all. But for now...When the toys run out or I'm so sick of this crap that I can't see straight anymore...GAME OVER!

Monty Python's SPAMALOT!

Best Musical Souvenir EVER!

Yesterday my wife and I were fortunate enough to see Monty Python's SPAMALOT! We'd made it a goal to see the show last year when we first heard about it and DAMN are we glad we made this happen!

I know my opinion doesn't matter for much. I mean, I am NO Larry King! But if you'll indulge me.

This is a genuine treat! Extremely funny and very entertaining. Even the folks who have never heard of Monty Python (Yes, there ARE some out there! Very sad!) will enjoy this production. There is enough Python for the true fans and enough other genuinely great humor and music for the hardcore Broadway freaks.

What I liked best about this was how they made fun of Broadway musicals and maintained a general sense of Monty Python silliness. There is no doubt in my mind that this will be a successful endeavor for Eric Idle.

More importantly, they have the BEST souvenirs! Check out the photo of the collectible can of SPAM! I'm sure that they tried a similar promotion when doing Sweeney Todd or Cats, but the FDA & USDA probably had a fit!

They sold coconut shells for folks who wanted to simulate horses galloping, great t-shirts, DVDs, and of course the SPAM. Lots of fun for everyone.

I liked the original material even more than the classic lines and routines from the film. Tim Curry, David Hyde Pierce, and Hank Azaria were all excellent. The supporting cast should all be stars after this run. It was a great time for everyone. If it ever leaves Broadway (after its DEBUT run in Chicago...We're so cool!) I highly recommend you check it out!


On this Inauguration Day I Will Get a Brazilian Wax!

Why should the President be the only asshole that shines today?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Sign Up for the Absolute Write Newsletter TODAY!

Best Newsletter EVER! If you are a writer, a publisher, or just someone who likes to read or write, YOU NEED to check out Absolute Write. It is one of the BEST resources for folks in the writing field out there.

More importantly, their upcoming February 16th newsletter features an article written by ME!

Absolute Write has the distinct honor of being the first folks to pay me for writing something. Near as I figure that deserves a little shilling from me.

Do yourself a favor and head on over to this fine site. While you're there be sure to sign up for their FREE newsletter. Not only will you gain valuable information about writing and publishing but you'll be able to read my article, "Writing Prompts Exposed!" Sure, it is a revamped version of an article I wrote for The Cheers, but THIS one was actually bought and paid for by a credible source, so you can imagine how much better it is than the original!

Please sign up for their newsletter. You can always cancel later if you must. But I can't help but think that an increase in readers due to the presence of Andy MUST bode well for yours truly, and isn't that what this is all about?

By the way, if you own or publish a magazine or newsletter and would like to benefit from my tireless efforts to promote a product, e-mail me and get me on YOUR payroll!

In Case You Didn't Get 50 E-Mails About This Already...

A message from Fearless Radio:

I don't listen if I'm not on anyways!

"Gotta drop some knowledge on you...
The time for the
GHETTO BOY and the FULL MONTE has changed – we're now live from 3pm to 5pm CST starting on Wednesday! We wanted to give everybody time to eat so they can laugh on a contented stomach. Talk to you soon!"


I wonder how I can get on Ann Marie's show next time.

I haven't gotten ANY e-mail from HER!

Monday, January 17, 2005


Here's a little rule to live by...

If you are watching a trailer for a new movie and the BEST they can do is offer a GLOWING review from Larry "Did I Forget to Get Married Again?" King,


I mean, come on! He's a legend in the newspaper biz and something of a TV icon, but he is not and has never been a movie reviewer. At least he's never been one with any sort of clout or credibility.

STOP quoting Larry King! If you can't get an Ebert or a Roper to say anything nice then don't get Larry King to whore his lousy-ass self out and pimp your crap film!

WHEW! Glad I got that out. In other news...

The gang at Fu-Qtoo has been kind enough to make mention of my little Jesus article on their blog. This is very cool. Not only do they make excellent t-shirts (even the ones I DIDN'T inspire are cool) but they are among my biggest (only) fans. I hope one day to have a killer book to sell and have their recommendation require me to send THEM some commission checks.

Of course, I COULD get Larry King to review it for me.

Read THIS! (And Explain it to Me Later!) @ Malicious Bitch!

There's a brand new column from some wacky-ass comedian/juggler I know. What's it called?

What's it about? It is about why I don't like to read, but strangely want YOU to do so. Funny, huh?

Please head on over to Malicious Bitch and enjoy my column, as well as all of the fine writers working there. I've heard they're very talented. ;)

Jesus Likes My Balls! This Week At The Cheers!

As promised, a full-length version of my recent Jesus Post can be found at The Cheers.

I know, I know...I'm evil and blasphemous. Got it. Andy BAD, Jesus GOOD. I get it already.

Now go and read the full story and see that I am actually very kind to the artist and I am really making more fun of my own ugly self in this piece than anything else.

It is a funny article and I am hopeful that Siim will be submitting it to every news referral site. There's NO WAY they can ignore a column with a title like THAT! Shocking!

Special thanks to BLOGYWOOD for helping spread the word about this piece!

One of my Favorite Canadian Blogs!

In other news, Kim from Bacon & Eh's, the gal who inspired the Jesus post in the first place, has just won TWO AWARDS for her great blog! Please head on over and congratulate her for her fine work. Secretly I believe she won because of her mild association with ME, but I could be biased.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

The Apocalypse Approaches!

NO, it has nothing to do with my Jesus Post!

I believe that the end of the world is coming because William Shatner just won a Golden Globe for ACTING! He won an Emmy for acting just last year. I love the guy, but this is getting a bit much!

Of course I'm all for the end of the world so I genuinely hope he wins a Grammy for Album of the Year. Let's face it, Has Been ROCKS!

I suppose he COULD win an Oscar for acting. Seems unlikely, but he will be in the sequel to Free Enterprise this year. He's on quite a roll and stranger things HAVE happened!

A Reminder - Voting and Ranking of My Blog

Yeah, I search far and wide for more free places to list my blog, link my blog, and promote my blog. Why? In theory I'll gain readers and fans that will one day be likely to buy books written by me. I know, pipe dream!

Anyway, I'm hooked up with at least two places now that have options for you the reader to rank or rate my blog, presumably for quality or fun or whatever.

I fully expect there to be many people giving my blog the virtual finger simply because this is not their blog. There will also be some that say I suck because they don't think I'm funny. Mostly the nay-sayers will talk trash about this blog because I have no photos of naked women here (yet!)

Regardless, here are a couple of places where you can rank and rate my blog and maybe bring in a few more readers.

The first is BlogHop, and I've mentioned them in the past. Here's their little ranking thingy.

Rate Me on!

the bestpretty goodokaypretty badthe worst


Of course the green button means, "The Best!" and the red button should not concern you at all. To make things easier for you I'll show you exactly what button to hit the most. ;)

the best

Simple, isn't it? Next we have Blog Catalog. At this site people can leave comments and ratings right there, but they have recently implemented a way to rate a blog "on site" if you will. I can't manage to make their freaking HTML code work within this post so you will just have to go to the "Click These MOFOS!" sidebar and click the drop-down menu. I'd recommend giving me a ranking of 10 but I am biased! LOL

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Bitches Need Love Too!

From the fine folks at Malicious Bitch:

"Bitches need love too! The upcoming Valentine's Day Edition is publishing member dedication messages, love notes, short stories, poetry, prose and a display of the MOST THOUGHTLESS VDAY GIFTS, received. If you have a sweet or a bitchy submission to share with us, please submit through the form below. You need not be an MBC member to submit. Submissions are accepted by both members, visitors, and our readership, alike. Entries should of course, be love-related, but not necessarily romantic! Get your submissions in by January 21!"

So where do you go to submit your tale of VD? Right here, of course! Click that link and tell the world all about your VD nightmare!

Glory Days, They'll Pass You By...

Photo By Chris Kraco A short while back I decided that I would post some old photos , news clippings, and the like from my past. While researching through the Andy Martello archives for my recent Jesus post, I found many a rare promotional photo of yours truly. So in keeping with my promise, here are a few other pieces of ancient history.

Here is a GREAT shot of me using a classic vaudeville prop, Shaker Cups. These are similar to actual martini shakers and they are a very cool looking (and NOISY) prop. I still have this set of cups, but I haven't' performed them in years because I dented a few of the cups too severely to use them. Add that with the fact that I am also very cheap (BROKE) and haven't been able to buy new ones and you have a killer act stuck in limbo. I'll have to dig this one out as there are not a lot of guys performing these right now.

Photo By Chris KracoNext we have a rare "skill shot" of me juggling 5 rings. I USED to be a very good juggler and had mad skills. Some time after I started booking myself I realized that being a great juggler wasn't nearly as important as being a great performer.

Most of the types of performances I was booking required me to do at least 45 minutes. If I filled that time with many great tricks I'd get marginal response. After all, how long can you really watch some cool juggling tricks. If my audiences were filled with JUGGLERS then I was a hit. Since most of the crowds were real people with no juggling skills, I'd fall flat. So, I became funnier and better as a performer. The end result: I'm celebrating my 20th year as a professional entertainer and my act is very VERY good if you don't mind me saying so.

I've probably forgotten more tricks than I can remember, but if that means I am working steadily and other jugglers think I'm a hack, that's fine with me.

Photo by Chris KracoFinally, a shot taken while I was simply mugging for the camera.

All these photos were taken by a student of my dad's Chris Kraco. Chris was the first juggler I ever KNEW. Some time after I'd taught myself how to juggle, dad made a point of introducing us.

Chris was a funny guy, an excellent juggler, and quite a decent photographer. I thought it would be most appropriate to have another juggler try to capture some good promotional shots for me. I did in fact get a few useful photos out of the shoot, even though I look like the guy in the Jesus drawings.

The sad part about all this is that I didn't end up using any of these photos for press kits. Why? I didn't have the money for prints! It took all the spare cash I could scrape together to get the photos! So many of these pics never saw the light of day. I used a few for some posters and things to put up at some trade show booths and the like, but they never got to go out into the world and try to sell my act.

Today I couldn't use these photos as they are too old-school. They are too reminiscent of old vaudevillian photographs and not hip or unusual enough to capture anyone's attention. Plus I'm much older and heavier now! I am still one handsome mofo though!

Incidentally, the full article about the Jesus post will be appearing in next week's issue of The Cheers. It features other photos from thie particular shoot and is titled, "Jesus Likes My Balls!" Yep! I'm going to Hell!

Friday, January 14, 2005

SciFiDaily Keeps Missing THE BIG NEWS!!!

DAMMIT, Jim I'm a condiment, not a doctor! I hate to say it, but SciFiDaily must be slipping.

Sure they have all the news that's fit to print about upcoming film & TV projects.

Of course, I can expect to read articles about famous sci-fi celebrities.

When I want to know the inside scoop about the special features on DVDs I head there first! They are on my list of sites I check out every day.

But, when I learn about a special LIMITED EDITION bottle of Heinz Ketchup featuring a quote by William Shatner at the grocery store INSTEAD of SciFiDaily I feel as though there is a disturbance in the Force (And don't give me shit for mixing my Star Wars metaphors with my Star Trek celebs! I'll go all Doctor Who on your ass!).

What you see here is the Shat-Man's own clever slogan emblazoned on a bottle of ketchup. Not much more to say here except I am almost certain that Shatner's ketchup tastes much better than Lindsey Lohan's.

Hmmm...the boys at SciFiDaily missed the Spock Monkey too. What is the world coming to?

Louie Louie at Pauly Pauly this Week!

In case you missed the 3-chord fun at The Cheers, you can now check out the reissue of "250 Versions of WHAT?" at! Those Canadians sure are kind to little ol' me!

It is taking a bit more time than expected to get Eklektikos updated. It should be up and running by the end of the weekend I'm told. Regardless I plan on sending "Read THIS!" to Malicious Bitch today. If it is running in two mags at the same time, all the better. I'll look like a syndicated columnist. COOL!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

That's what Canadian friends Are for, eh?

Vote for ME, eh!

There was a sudden increase in traffic to the old blog today. When I headed over to Statcounter to figure out where the tourists were coming from I found that they were coming from Canada!

Well, they're coming from all over the globe, but Kim at Bacon & Eh's is responsible for sending them my way! Click the photo above for the link to her most excellent post about me and Jesus! Thanks, Kim!

In other news, April bought me a snail for our fish tank and I've never been more pleased and amused!

We have a goldfish in a tank and a Dwarf African Clawed Frog in another living in our bathroom. Bathroom pets are actually very cool. Nice to have non-intrusive company when doing your business.

The fish tank gets a lot of algae and she suggested getting a snail to clean house. I came home yesterday and waiting for me was a most excellent Black Mystery Snail. He took to the tank immediately and has been entertaining me with his snaily-goodness ever since. Nobody has ever bought me a snail before!

I big deal. But I got just as excited about my $5.00 check yesterday. Aren't blogs supposed to have some sort of minutiae in them?

HEY! I can buy TWO SNAILS with that check! Hmmm...

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The Agony & The Ecstasy All in One Day!

The first of many, no doubt. align=

First, the agony. Soak it up, folks. What you are looking at is a milestone in the life of any writer. This is my first "ding letter".

A ding letter is a term I got from an old girlfriend back when she was applying for post collegiate jobs. A ding letter means they just rang the bell on you and you're OUT! So, this is my first rejection from a major source I submitted to recently.

Remember back in 04 (If I were an old fart I'd say "ought-four") when I said I finally got the nerve to submit to the popular NPR show, This American Life? I thought it would be MONTHS before I got a rejection letter, but it was only a matter of a few weeks. Not bad, really. Who knows if any of it was even read past the first few paragraphs? The point is, I have officially busted my writer's rejection cherry, and from a radio show no less!

This really wasn't all that big a deal. It didn't even hurt. I still plan on resubmitting to them and I will have my Sedaris-like moment in the sun. Besides, why should I be upset when earlier today ...


That's right, kiddies! For the ecstasy portion of the program I am proud to announce that, one of the web's most prestigious and informative sources for writers, has chosen my revamped version of Writing Prompts for publication in their February 16th Newsletter! I recommend you head to their site today! For my efforts I shall receive an actual paycheck!

Now before it sounds like I'm off making some of that Stephen King cash, let me say that the sum is not much. It is only $5.00 if you're THAT curious. I was given a choice between receiving a FREE one year subscription to the Absolute Markets Newsletter (a $15.00 value and an extremely valuable resource if I want to make MORE money at this) or taking the five dollars via check or PayPal.

I ASKED for the check. Why? The amount is NOT the issue here.

It is a great achievement for any writer to receive a paycheck for their work. The work now has VALUE, other than emotional or sentimental attachments. It is no longer just an investment of my own time and ability. It has WORTH outside of my little world. While I have been creating things and making them part of a bigger existence by sharing them within the pages of other e-zines, this article is now truly a part of something special and different.

For a guy who has dabbled with writing for years and only really taken a serious interest in the craft for less than a year this $5.00 represents 500 of the most satisfying pennies I have ever earned. It is not unlike the first $15.00 I made as an entertainer. This five-spot is also money I earned doing something I love in a field that is notoriously unforgiving and cruel, if not just plain hard to make a living at.

I will likely not even cash the check. It will be mounted, framed, and displayed on my wall with pride. With luck it will serve as a magnet for more paying writing gigs. I'm sure I'll make a scan of it and share it with you here, along with all future ding letters.

I got word of the future of the NEW, "Writing Prompts Exposed!" before I got my ding letter. I'm sure that helped a lot. Just like in show-biz, timing is truly everything.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I'm SURE Jesus is Re-Thinking His Position on Me!

I've been holding off on posting this for awhile.

I can wait NO LONGER!

I found this little gem of a site thanks to Kim at Bacon & Eh's. She was kind enough to mention to me that Jesus is always with the jugglers! Apparently Jesus is a BIG patron of the arts.

Examine the list of professionals and people that Jesus is always with, whether we invited Him or not. You'll note a rather heavy slant towards the arts. Included in Jesus' watch list...
  1. Juggler (see below)
  2. Clown (OOH! This one is in color.)
  3. Guitarist (Note, He does NOT like electric guitarists!)
  4. Artist (Just like this BAD sketch artist with the Jesus fetish)
  5. French Horn (The actual horn or a French Horn player? Not specific.)
  6. Organist (Like we didn't see THAT coming! )

Preacher is also in there. Well, DUH! Surprisingly. Jesus is big on insurance agents but has NOTHING to offer a carpenter!

If you click on each of the listing of bizarre professions at this site you'll get another dreadful drawing featuring Jesus working with or alongside the professional. The dental assistant and surgeon ones freak me out the most. With all due respect to the creator (not the Creator) of these sketches, some of these look rather creepy and wrong, if ya get my meaning.

He Likes Me.  He REALLY Likes Me!LOOK! Jesus not only has a wild-eyed smile while watching a juggler, but he is also applauding. He knows that jugglers need not for material things like money or fame. Just some applause will be enough to sustain our existence.

What is most astonishing is the odd resemblance the juggler in the sketch has to a young Andy Martello. I mean the haircut is a bit off and there's too much of a Tom Cruise thing happening here, but it is like this weirdo got his idea from one of my old promotional photos.

Don't believe me? Oh ye of little faith!


Here's an old photo of me taken for an article written about me in the Park Ridge Advocate sometime around 1988 or 1989.

Notice the attire, the hair, the bow tie, and the blank stare on my face. It is me all over!

I think I was the ONLY variety performer under the age of 50 wearing a tuxedo shirt with a ruffle.

I've decided Jesus is stalking me. Well, at least Jesus' personal sketch artist is stalking me.

Still not convinced?

Close your mouth you HACK!

Here's one of me a few years EARLIER! I was BARELY 15 years old in this picture and I am in JUST about the same outfit. I KNOW the shirt was the same in both photos. Hell, the accessories are likely to be the same. I had NO money for cool clothes!

This photo was taken in the living room of our house in Marengo, IL. We moved the couch to take advantage of the natural sunlight coming through our picture window and utilize the very stylish theatrical background provided by our drapes!

Believe it or not, this was also featured in a newspaper story about me for winning the McHenry County Fair talent contest. These days I can't buy space in a paper. Then...BIG TIME NEWS!

Looking at this well-meaning Jesus website and reminiscing about past glories, I recall a strange gig I had one time that MAY explain Jesus' unnatural fascination with me.

Not too long ago I did a show for the Indian Princesses, a group of girls who for one reason or another couldn't get into the Girl Scouts.

This group was having their annual shindig up north at a campground in Wisconsin. It was December and FREEZING COLD! They had me arrive extra early so they could warm up the building while I set up.

This group is some sort of daddy-daughter group and I guess it is fine and dandy and all that. What I found very disturbing was how whenever they would give awards or accommodations to the little princesses, the dads would encircle the girl and chant, "Dance! DANCE!". Very strange. It made me think all of these girls had futures in lapdancing. I digress.

The stage I performed on had a backdrop behind it unlike any I'd ever seen before; a 10 x 10 oil paining of Jesus. Not the whole Jesus, mind you. Just His head. So I did an entire 45-minute comedy and juggling show with underage Indian lapdancers, there dads, and the Almighty( sans body,) watching my every move.

At one point I was gearing up to juggling my flaming bowling pins. As I lit the pins on fire I started laughing. I just couldn't concentrate with the giant Jesus head behind me and I found it amusing.

Same outfit!

Then I turned towards the painting and gestured with the flaming pin, waving it dangerously close to the backdrop. During this motion I joking yelled, "Look out, Jesus!" . The dads got a huge laugh out of it as did I.

Perhaps this little bit of comedic genius is what made Jesus find an object for His affection. I've always heard that most folks are just looking for someone with a sense of humor.

I hope I don't start getting obscene phone calls. If He wants to start doing anonymous miracles for me that would be cool! PSST! Jesus, I could use some more gigs!