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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Conception, Development, Final Product.

It has been awhile since I did any sort of "inside look" into the creative nonsense that goes into pimping out my performer's ass. Since that kind of stuff has always been unusually interesting to both of my readers I thought I'd rectify that today.

This is the splash page from my main website. The artwork was expertly (and rather affordably) done by a friend of mine, John Adams. He did all the cool cartoon penguins found at my website and blog respectively. I'll admit that the guy on the iceberg doesn't really look like me, but I didn't ask for a caricature and I love the drawing very much. And for all the Science Nazis out there, I KNOW that penguins do not live in the North Pole. Playful inaccuracy is part of the charm of a cartoon you pencil-necks. Now go back to downloading naked photos of Angelina Jolie (and send them to me!) .

I'd hire me.

Regardless, John drew exactly what I asked him to draw and even though my site is in dire need of some heavy updating, I love the artwork just the same. Well, almost exactly. It didn't quite deliver the concept I had (see below), but it serves the purpose very well nonetheless. I'll likely have a gallery or something to remember the stuff once I get around to making the necessary updates.

This next image is the current cover of my press kit. I made this myself some years after the website was up and running. I'll likely be updating the press kit this year when I get some new photos taken. That's one thing I'm better at than in years past; I do get new photos and promo done a whole lot sooner than I used to. Sure I have just as many problems paying for it all, but I know it NEEDS to be done fairly regularly in order to keep working and therefore I find a way to make it happen.

GODDAMN, I'm Good!

In any event, I learned BARELY enough Photoshop skills to make this photo happen. I miss Photoshop. Wish I had it on my current machine, but I haven't the moolah right now (saving up for new photos and promo).

Yes, I'd much rather have an ACTUAL photo of me pretending to work in front of an audience of actual penguins, but really...what zoo or aquarium in their right mind is going to allow stupid old me access to the penguins? I'm not famous nor rich and I don't have my own TV show so there's no way I can scam nor pay my way into a photo like this fake one. I had to settle with one of my recent promo shots and a photo taken at what I think is the Memphis Zoo.

Both of these images represent a simple concept I had MANY years ago. It started with my desire to incorporate penguins into the website and promo. From there I developed the slogan, "You Provide the Audience, He'll Do the Rest!". I wanted people to know that I'll work anywhere for any audience, or at least imply that I have already worked a wide variety of venues for many different crowds. I thought a funny and memorable way to get that slogan's message across was to have a photo of me performing on an ice stage in front of an audience of penguins. At the time I was planning on having someone else do the digital trickery, but once again, I hadn't the funds nor the know-how. So the website splash page was the first realization of the dream and the pic I tricked was the second.

Ultimately I had to get the idea into the hands of the cartoonist, and others who could help make it happen. Describing it didn't do it justice and provided no decent results. So, with my then new and first computer (back in 1999 I think) I discovered MS Paint, a tool I use often today, but admittedly, mostly for comical effect.

Here is the TRUE original rendering of my stupid sales concept. I saved it for posterity and it actually makes me laugh to this day. I actually can't believe I've still got this file cluttering up my hard drive.


There's something about the juvenile look to this thing. This is what I created to send to both my cartoonist friend and my website designers. I know that splash pages are a bit out of date today, but at the time I wanted one and this was the awful drawing that sparked the entire thing.

Notice how oddly cute the penguins are and how relative ugly I look. I even took time to add shading and other useless details to the photo. However I didn't make nearly as many penguins as I wanted to because my hand was getting tired and I was unaware of the copy and paste functions. Bad self image. Good penguin images.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

From the lovely, talented, and apparently broken Bitchitude, comes this most excellent Penguin snowflake. Very regal penguins indeed!

One Bitchin' Penguin Snowflake!
She also sent me a non-penguin snowflake the other day and since it is so lovely I may as well share it with the class.

One Bitchin' Non-Penguin Snowflake!

Celebrate the DVD release of "March of the Penguins" by making your own penguin snowflake! I'll add more of my penguin flake creations later! ;)

Thanks, Christine!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Penguins...Snowflakes...Seems Logical

Not too long ago I posted a photo of the Penguin-infused snowflake I made at this rather addictive website.

Since then I've been receiving customized snowflakes from friends and family that are certainly lovely. I must admit I've been having far too much fun with the whole make your own snowflake online thing. Today I had a bit more fun and an inspiration for even more useless internet fun.

Check out the snowflake fellow penguin-lover, Golfwidow sent me today.

Do you see penguins in a heart or Jewish penguins?

Don't you just love the penguins? I know I do. So...

Now that there are at least two known customized snowflakes prominently featuring penguins I simply must have more. Head on over and make your own penguin snowflake. Send it to me or post a link in the comments field to your blog. Either way I'll be sure to do some blog-whoring for your efforts. Let's see how many creative folks we have out there.

If you can't come up with a penguin flake, just make a flake and send it along. I'll feature my own little blogger snowflake gallery before too long.

About Twelve Hours to Go!

OH, Happy Day!
That's right, kiddies. Tomorrow (Tuesday) marks one of the most excellent & joyous days in history. Why? Because tomorrow, "March of the Penguins" is released on DVD!

Naturally I'll be among the first people to own a copy. I'm hoping to find a place open at midnight so I don't have to wait.

Gotta Buy TWO Copies!Get yourself and everyone you know a copy of this movie. Shoot for the widescreen version if available so as not to miss some of the breathtaking beauty and expansive landscapes found within the film.

This is quite possibly the best film of the year and it has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is worth watching. Now you will be able to happily say it is worth owning. Remember, there is a major gift-giving holiday or two coming our way. ;)

I'll have info on the extras later!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Last Penguinis on Earth?

Flying Penguinis on eBay.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Internet Holiday Nonsense

Thanks, Kellie for the link!

Here's the flake since I know you're all too lazy to click a link. ;)

Here's what my flake looks like with a little doctoring on my part. LOL!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Off to Salem, IL

I'm heading down to Salem, IL today for a one-nighter circus show today. I'll be working for the Reynolds Family. The photo is of Bill Reynolds, the first of the family I ever met. The Reynolds are among the first people to ever hire me and I've worked for several of their shows over the years. In case you were wondering, their's is also the show where classic Andy Land tales such as "A Clown in Kentucky", "Pass the Soap, Wilbur", and all of my other Kentucky Stories occurred.

Salem is about 4 1/2 hours away and I'll be at the Salem Community Activities Center. Showtime is 7:00 PM in case anyone is in the area and would like a break from shopping.

Speaking of shopping, I'll have a bigger rant about this later (maybe even a NEW Andy article. OOH!), but if you know that today is the single busiest shopping day of the year nationwide, DON'T GO TO THE FUCKING MALL! If you, a societal sheep (thanks, B-Tude!), simply MUST go shop today, then DON'T BITCH ABOUT THE TRAFFIC, THE LONG LINES, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, DON'T BITCH TO THE STORE CLERKS AND MANAGERS ABOUT YOUR "DILEMMA"!

Believe me, they're (mall employees) having a much worse day than you are. YOU had the day off for no good reason and people like my wife are stuck having to cater to your stupid, selfish, whining asses. I was a retail TOY STORE manager for many years and I must say, "Black Friday" shoppers are Major League assholes. Don't be like those folks. Be patient, courteous, and kind to the folks at the mall. After all, it is YOUR FAULT that things are so bad today.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A Blast from the Past - Andy's "SPECIAL" Thanksgiving Memories

Seka & Friend
Seka & Friend
Seka & Friend

I don't have many Thanksgiving memories to share and therefore I'll simply share the same ones over and over. Besides, not many folks were reading and commenting my blog this time last year (good to see things haven't changed. LOL!) so why not recycle an old post. I think the person to comment last year was Kim, from Bacon and Eh's, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was Blogger SuperMILF, Kim.

Kim: 'Seka's Got Nothing On Me!'So anyway, CLICK HERE to read some rather funny Thanksgiving stories from Andy Land. At the other end of the link you'll find awkward moments like hearing the "F word" far too many times in front of your girlfriend's mom and what it is like to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner by the Platinum Goddess of Porn herself, SEKA!

You'll also read about the gig I had last Thanksgiving Day. I very rarely have bookings on Thanksgiving and last year was one of the stranger ones. Oddly enough, I find myself employed again this year at a place called The Sabre Room.

I've worked there before. Very cool old room with a classic stage. Never huge cash, but always a good time. What's better about this gig is that the place is less than fifteen minutes away from where I'll be eating Thanksgiving dinner. So I dinner...leave for for about 20 minutes...collect paycheck...head back...arrive in time for sandwiches and poker!

The Southwest Side's Legendary Sabre Room

THAT'S a Happy Thanksgiving!

So enjoy the humorous anecdotes and do remember to have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving. I truly appreciate all the virtual friendships I've made with this blog and I wish you all the best. I plan on eating stuffed Emperor Penguin this year and watching, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" (The PERFECT Thanksgiving movie!). How about you?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Some Reminders

Read "A Christmas Miracle" at Riverwalk Journal. Go there and tell them about how I am the single greatest writer in the 21st Century. Just go there and support my work. Details at this blog post.

I am desperate for love and affection and that is why I so boldly solicit fake love and affection from you. Please be sure to rate my blog at BlogHop! I would prefer that you simply click "The Best" and then encourage your friends to do the same. However, if you feel like honestly assessing my blog and clicking something else, I have no choice but to ask you to leave. ;)

Rate Me on!

the best The Best
pretty good Pretty Good
okay Okay
pretty bad Pretty Bad
the worst The Worst

Next, I need work. I always need work. Yes, the holiday season has me at my busiest, but Christmas won't last forever.

So please, if you work for a company that has a party, a picnic, a sales meeting, attends a trade show, stages pranks on your boss, needs entertainment for any reason...send them to my main website.

If you live in a town with a comedy club, a festival, a theatre, a parade, a school, a park district, a library, or a reason to celebrate...send them to my main website.

If you are a casting director or know someone who is, and that director is in need of a comedian, a writer, a juggler, a fire-eater, a PLATE-SPINNER, a Blues Brothers act, a full-on variety show, an actor, or a strolling character...go to my main website.

If you need one funny mofo for shows like "Best Week Ever", "Saturday Night Live", "Mad TV", "The Late Show, Starring David Letterman", "The Tonight Show, Starring Jay Leno"...go to my main website.

If you just want me to perform somewhere in your town...go to my main website or encourage someone in the above fields to do the same.

Now That I'm a Pimp...

Let Your Flippers Do the Walking!Perhaps the Flying Penguinis will not have to resort to such measures in order to get some action. I know that I will be able to provide some high-quality entertainment for the little guys.

I mean, really now, are any of the ladies in the hooker cards ACTUALLY going to be the ones who show up at your hotel room? Hell no! I saw one card that had an old modeling photo of Tera Patrick on it. If I thought I could get Tera Patrick to my hotel for $69.00 I'd wear out the buttons on the ATM machine.

When I get my starter crack and my stable of hookers I'll be sure to provide you the exact lady for your enjoyment. Sure they'll be drug-addicted, but I'll make sure they're HOT!

OK, this may be getting out of hand. Maybe I'm just jealous of the Penguinis for having the coin necessary to bring so many ladies to the room.

Don't ask what the pinecone is for.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Why Do I Love Golf Widow?

Because she sends me presents!
Thanks Golf Widow!

Read Rubes Every Day.


I thought my hotel bill was a bit high.

Great Seafood Menu!

Is that MY money clip? Those thieving bastards!

More stories as more photos become available.

Thanks, Blogywood.

I'd forgotten how much traffic comes my way from the fine link-dump known as Blogywood. You can find many fine links to unusual websites, news stories and photos from across the globe. Why just the other day I went there and saw a post for SPAM University. Sadly, the link led me to a place other than the Spam Museum, but it was fun being mislead for that instance.

I like a lot of these web-oddity sites. Places like Blogywood, Attu Sees All, D-Sign, and The Goose (and others) are not only fun places to surf during the day, but links from those types of sites can really bring in the readers to your own blog. Well most of those can drive traffic. I somehow have been deleted from Attu's link list with no explanation. Too bad. I got a lot of readers from him.

Anyway, thanks again Blogywood for the fun reading and the fun readers.


Wednesday, November 16, 2005


I love ya, Jessica, but I've had Volkswagen Bugs that were lower maintenance.

She's done it again. Jessica has decided to shut down her blog and reopen what is basically the exact same blog with a different template and web address. I think this is the third time she's done this.

What's different about THIS time is that NOW if you go to her old address you'll be treated to a porn site. Nice. It is currently just a blog with links to porn, but believe me, it is all porn.

I laugh at this because if you read her "new" blog you'll be treated to a story about how she felt it was necessary to change things up a bit after one of her son's friends found her blog and her many scantily clad and/or naked photos of herself along with it. Where's the funny here? Well...

In that post she not only explains how embarrassing the experience is, but does so by posting another scantily clad photo in the post. THAT'S classic! Add to the mix that now anyone (presumably more teenaged friends of Jess's kid) can go to her old address and see some real hardcore porn, thinking they're going to see get the point.

All of this could have been avoided by simply changing the template and creating a "new" blog. She could have also just deleted the posts and pictures that "embarrassed" her.

I suppose an argument could be made that you shouldn't place nude photos of yourself online if you don't want anyone to see them, but I'm never going to do any work to stop Jessica from showing off. Moreover, after the many posts about what happens to folks who abandon their Blogger site, you'd think that she'd have just said "This is the last post at this blog. Go HERE to read my new "secret" blog...with all the same naughty photos (just don't tell my son's friends)" and not let the porno folks into her old home.

Anyway, since she's such a sweetie and has always been so nice to old Andy, I have updated my links list and I'm happy to give you the link to her "new" blog. Just like before you should find erotica penned by Jessica, recipes, news about Philadelphia, stories, links, musings, and the occasional photo of a naked Swedish chick that looks a lot like Jessica, but probably is someone else. ;)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Dropping a Deuce on Vegas

Just after Halloween this year, a new form of cheap public transportation made it's debut in Las Vegas. It is called, "The Deuce". In some ways it is the most appropriately named item in the world (dropping a deuce = taking a dump) and in other ways it is a GREAT new addition to the Las Vegas experience.

The Deuce:  Half of a Great Idea
The Deuce is a double-decker bus that offers inexpensive rides up and down the Strip as well as into the downtown area. You can pay $2.00 for a single ride or $5.00 for an all day pass. Since cabs are so damned expensive there it certainly seems like a great idea. A fresh, clean tourist-friendly bus system is much better than the standard public transportation offered there (and considerably less scary).

The problem? Taking the Deuce up and down the Strip MAY actually take longer than to actually walk up and down yourself. There are so many stops along the way and since all the bugs are not entirely worked out, the time in between stops is excessive.

The advantage? If you're on the far north end of the Strip, live at the Sahara or the Stratosphere and want to head downtown, you get a VERY inexpensive ride and considerably fewer stops (fewer tourist traps from the north end of the Strip to downtown). A cab ride to downtown could be $10.00-15.00 or more depending upon where you leave from.

A compromise? Take the Deuce to and from downtown and use the most excellent Las Vegas Monorail for travel up and down the Strip. A single ride on the Monorail is only $3.00 and you can get from end to end in about 17 minutes. Or you can just walk the Strip all the time and burn calories, wear off rubber from your shoes, and kill your poor feet!

I hear that the Flying Penguini used the Deuce to make their escape from our hotel and see the town. I'm waiting for some surveillance footage and other confirmation of this. When I have it, I'll share.

Monday, November 14, 2005

You Can Make Your Own Jokes.

Best Picture EVER!

Sausage Fest!
This is the cover of the current Hofbräuhaus (Good) Times, the in-house newsletter of the Hofbräuhaus Las Vegas. It is Oktoberfest every day there, but Siegfried & Roy were on hand to tap the keg at the actual Oktoberfest this past September 17th.

April and I went there with our good friend, Greg, where he proceeded to treat us to some excellent German food and copious amounts of beer. We instructed Greg that he was FORBIDDEN from paying for our meals as he always ends up spending his hard-earned money on our culinary and alcoholic enjoyment. Knowing this he made arrangements with our waitress to have everything paid for long before we were finished eating.

We managed to get him back though. April and I always send along a Christmas present for the guy every year. This year we decided to bring his present and give it to him early. At least that way we ended up spending some money and offered some appreciation for the guy during our visit. Besides, we could save money on postage. We're the BEST cheap bastard friends money and beer can buy!

Baltimore Links to Andy Land

Funny, I just met a guy from Baltimore this past week while in Vegas.

Anyway, please check out this very cool blog from the land that brought us Babe Ruth, John Waters, and "The Block" - Malnurtured Snay.

I know very little about this blog thus far other than I have found a hell of a lot to read there. Funny ideas, links to other great sites, good quality writing of all sorts, it is all there.

MSnay was kind enough to read and comment yesterday and I was compelled to check out his blog. Next thing you know, a blog friendship emerged. Ahh sweet life.

Anyway, please check it out and feel free to comment. I'll have more about Las Vegas soon.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Penguini On the Telly

There are many reasons why you should never leave your Flying Penguini unattended, especially in LAS VEGAS. OK, they weren't exactly unattended as I was there to take the photos, but they can be very tough to control when they get their party on.

One thing I was actually very amused to see was watching the little guys take to the remote control so readily. It looked just adorable, watching them rally around the television to find something to watch. I guess they were taking a break from some of their more ghastly Las Vegas activities.

Most hotels in Las Vegas have a limited selection of channels. I can only assume this is to prevent people from spending too much time in their rooms and getting them out to the casino.

This being the case you can imagine how frustrating it is when a few party penguins want to relax with the little TV time.

Then, with one click of the remote, happiness washed over the trio.

Available on the Pay-Per-View menu was the greatest story ever told, "March of the Penguins". You can imagine how happy the guys were when they found this. Hell, I was happy to see that listed in the choices. You never know when I may want to watch that film one more time.

Anyway, we were all very pleased to see this as a selection available for viewing. One of the Penguini brothers managed to do a rather good impersonation of the movie poster and it borought about a big laugh from all of us.

I fully expected to settle down and watch the film and left for just a moment to grab a nice drink. When I returned there was quite a ruckus from the Penguini boys. I assumed it was them cheering loudly over the opening credits. I was wrong.

As it happened, there was more than just your standard Hollywood releases on the Pay-Per-View menu.

When I returned to the room I nearly dropped my drink when I saw that the rascals were about to rent "Huge Dongs, Tight Thongs" at a cost of $13.99 a viewing. Just look at the little bastards high-fiving each other with delight.

I tried to stop these guys from ordering every damn thing on the porn menu and sending my room bill through the roof, but they were particularly adamant about reviewing the entire menu.

They can be rather aggressive when they want to be, so I let them have their fun. Besides, they insisted they were merely watching the menu and not actually selecting any pricey porn flicks.

Before too long titles were popping up left and right. "Sextopia", "Deep Throat Divas", the list went on and on. What the hell, right? What happens in Vegas...

It got to the point where I had no choice but to head out into the town on my own and let them have their fun. I think they wanted to be alone anyways.

When I checked out of the room I noticed about $140.00 worth of "In Room Entertainment - Misc." on my bill.

I'm Back, But I'm Tired!

As you would expect, a trip to LAS VEGAS can be a bit taxing on the noggin, body, and pocketbook. Couple that with a red-eye flight back to Chicago and you get one sleepy-eyed blogger.

Looking for something to eat???  Maybe?
I'll have lots of stories and goodies to share with you soon. For now, I have to consider unpacking, contemplate showering, postulate what to make for dinner, and pontificate over the wisdom in taking the Flying Penguini to Sin City.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Off to Las Vegas

Taking off early Monday morning and coming back early Saturday morning. I'll try to get to a computer to check e-mail and give minor updates. Otherwise, go read the posts from the past week that you missed and enjoy some other great sites. Here are a few worth checking out.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

"The Christmas Miracle" at Riverwalk Journal

Riverwalk Journal
You may have forgotten that I am a writer. Easy mistake to make as I haven't written a damn new thing in ages.

Since so many of you folks CLEARLY show such good taste with regard to your reading material, I am happy to announce that my tale of holiday magic, "The Christmas Miracle" is being featured in the current issue of the Riverwalk Journal.

If you are not familiar with RWJ or the extremely talented writer Liz Ross, you owe it to yourself to check out the fantastic and eclectic collection of stories and articles she presents so regularly at her fine site. I genuinely like the description, "A community journal of arts and letters" as it is very telling of the work found inside.

I'm honored to be included in her publication and I invite you to check it out. You can read the entire issue online or download a PDF file and read at your convenience. Some of you will recall this story from my blog and it's original printing at The Cheers. If you are unfamiliar with the story of "The Christmas Miracle" know where to go.

Many thanks to Liz for including me in the prestigious Riverwalk Journal and thanks to Brenda Coxe for encouraging me with my writing at every opportunity.


Am I the only one who finds some thing delightfully amusing about the following scenario?

While I was downloading some porn mpegs (for strictly medicinal and/or research purposes) I received an e-mail from a friend inviting me to join his Bible study group.

I thanked him and declined his offer. Although now I think I should have included a link to my article, "Jesus Likes My Balls" in my return e-mail. Would have been good to see what happpened from there.

Sometimes life truly is beautiful.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Not that I'm Big on Bumper Stickers...

But if I were to apply one to my car it would probably be this one.

Bought two today. One for me and one for my brother. He'll understand.

I'm heading out to Auburn Hills, MI today (with a stop in Ann Arbor to visit little bro) for my last of three gigs at Great Lakes Crossing. Showtime is 12 NOON on Saturday November 5th. If any Michiganders are in or around the Detroit area I'd love to have you at the show.

New Links

Mystery solved. Rumo a Pequim is a site dedicated to beautiful Brazilian women and therefore is in fact written in Portuguese (as Christine suggested). I got a request for a link exchange in English and since they've already got my name up there I am happy to add them to the permanent links list. Besides, you don't need to speak the language to look at the photos and who doesn't need more photos of scantily clad women?

Curious are you? Then let's all form a big group so Manda can ask us with a coy grin, "Curious Are We?" Then we can all go to her blog and satisfy our curiosities.

As always, thanks for the links and for reading...if you read my blog...HEY! Are you looking at naked Brazilian women? ZEESH!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

What Wine Goes with Balls?


Wait! Found one. Nevermind.

MMMmmm! Drinking and knife-juggling.  What could be wrong with that?

Say What You Will About My Hair

My "rat tail" will NEVER look as stupid or lame as your fauxhawk!

Please sleep with me.  I look like a pinhead!
Classic non-committal fashion there. You WANT a Mohawk in order to look edgy and cool but you're too much of a pussy to actually get a real one. So you use your gel to manufacture a fauxhawk in the hopes you won't look unhip. Then your boss or worse, your friends come into the room and you hurriedly smooth out your hair before they notice how stupid you look and kick your ass.

Seriously, other than porn chicks and hookers (who are obliged by their jobs), are there any women willing to admit to sleeping with a guy who sported a fauxhawk? Are there any women willing to admit to sleeping with a guy BECAUSE of his fauxhawk? I'd settle for hearing from teenaged girls on this one because that's about the only demographic I can imagine being fooled by such a moronic hairstyle.