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Saturday, March 05, 2005

Date Your Daughter at and...Oh Yeah, Goodbye!

Paul has graciously decided to reprint my article, Date Your Daughter! It's All the Rage! at his fine site. If for some strange reason you've missed this one, you can check it out right there. That's the good news.

The bad news?

I'm likely going to be taking a little time-out from the writing game. I'm quickly going broke and may have to sell everything I own just to stay afloat. Lousy economy, the NEED to buy a car when I did, the impending ass-raping from the Gub-mint (my audit), gigs falling at the wrong time for me to get bills paid - it is all catching up to me and old Andy is going down in flames.

Things are always slow this time of year in my biz, but it hasn't been this bad in over 15 years. Thank you, Red States, for our economy. You sure backed the "right" horse.

What really frosts my nuts in this case is that with the spending, marketing, gigging, etc. I've done everything right. I had to get the car and nothing short of fate drew me to THIS CAR. The timing, price, & everything was all right. Had I not taken the cash from the Duluth trip and put it on a car when I did, I surely wouldn't have gotten a car this year and certainly not the right car at the right price. But then I'd have no worries right now and could wait for the gigs and paychecks to carry me through. So I find myself doing all of the right things (a rarity in my life) and realizing that they aren't helping!

By the way, I'm not saying there's anything really to worry about with the audit. That's just what they do there. They ass-raped me last time and they'll likely do it again. No anger or malice. I understand that's their job. The only difference is that this time I won't/don't have the money to pay whatever fee they come up with, much less pay my accountant!

So...things that don't pay me anything ( like my so-called writing career) are going to have to go on the back burner. I'm already not getting paid to be an entertainer, comedian, and producer. Getting The Vegas Brothers show up and running, ready for corporate bookings, creating press kits and the like is one more (currently) unpaid thing. It is still in the labor of love stage and since the light at the end of the tunnel is coming much sooner with the Brothers than with my writing, having one more free gig on the list is just a bit too embarrassing to live with. Look for "Classic Andy" articles to be hitting the pages of Malicious Bitch while I head out to the temp agencies. I wonder if I still own a necktie that isn't sequined.

Assuming I don't sell the computer I'll still be blogging The blog increases my web presence immensely, brings my name up in the searches more often, etc. so that still has merit. Plus it is quite fun! Since I get to have very little fun these days, I'll hold on to the one this I do have. Besides, you blog friends are quite honestly the only friends I have. So why screw up a good thing?

That being said I'm sure you'll see about 10 new posts from me today. Lord knows I don't want to clean the apartment!


Blogger D Brooks said...

Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do Andy. Uncle Sammy sometimes forces the issue unfortunately.

I hope you do keep up your presence here, and keep emailing your friends, because we do want to hear from you.

In the mean time... we'll leave a candle burning in the window for you. Things will get better.


2:05 PM

Anonymous Kim said...

Hey you get email DB? How come DB gets email and I don't? LOL Just yanking your chain, I'm in that kind of a mood today.

Sorry to hear that things aren't going as well as planned, my life is like that you know. Hang in there and keep smiling that wonderful smile of yours.

3:27 PM

Blogger Jessica Hart said...

I was sad for a moment when I thought you were saying goodbye to writing/blogging. Your site makes me smile and I hope you'll still be smiling after you send your check to the government. It's only money and you're still talented and funny when you're stripped of the green.

3:35 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

I only said I'd be saying goodbye to writing. As it happens nobody reads my work so nobody will miss it. ;)

More importantly, I just have so much time I can dedicate to one career that is impossible to survive within. Trying to actually make money as a writer is just not in the cards right now. Too much work I can't afford to do (and probably wouldn't do anyways since I'm lazy and afraid of rejection as well as success).

So it is best to stop right now, write when I have something to say, and concentrate on the one job I've had for the last 20 years and MAYBE have after 2005 is over.

The blogging will only go away if I sell the computer. Since I would have no way of reading all my favorite blogs without a computer, that will probably not happen. Not right away at least.

And the audit doesn't even take place until the 18th. Then after about two or three weeks will come the letter saying they think that I should pay about $3,500.00, the ensuing anger and panic, the repeat visits from me & my accountant, the nit-picking, the fighting over logical and LEGAL expenses that will all be disallowed anyway,more anger & panic, the whittling down to an amount that is not just nor is it fair but I'll accept it because it would cost more to keep fighting it than it would to pay and hope they leave me alone...which they won't.

Regardless, none of that matters because I haven't the cash to pay for ANYTHING right now, much less an amount the govt. thinks they need from me. The audit is only a small chapter in the book titled, "The Fall & Fall of Andy Martello" (penned by some other established and well paid writer).

I'm trying not to get as worked up over this crap as I have for lesser bumps in the highway. I think I'm keeping a better attitude because, karmically, I'm sure I've had it all coming for a long time.

Anyway, thanks for the well-wishing and all that. Very kind.

3:54 PM

Blogger Joe Schulenberg said...

Just for the record, I think you're panicing.

Can understand how you have to focus on your career. Maybe writing when you feel like it will help you. You may feel more inspired. It may seem like less of a job. Maybe the Cheers isn't the venue for you.

Can you force a person who's sick to take medicine? Can you force a horse to drink water? I can't force Andy Martello to write.

So you're being audited by the IRS for the second time in two years, you just bought a car you're having trouble paying for, your gigs are falling through and you are struggling to pay the rent.

That sounds like writing material. So if you see your troubles as an excuse to quit. Then I agree with you.

I mean honestly, writers are notoriously unhappy people. Hemingway and Thompson shot themselves, Dillon Thomas amongst countless others drank themselves to death.

They say art is so good for you yet all these artists seem so sick. Maybe you should avoid arts altogether and focus on retail work.

But that being said, most of us are drawn by forces greater than ourselves, and you probably don't have much choice in the matter. Whether you continue to write, whether you go work retail and come back later, it's probably going to happen one way or another.

Any you sure won't listen to me on the matter. So best of luck. The best I can say is that things change, things probably happen for a reason.

We spend so much time cursing our circumstances rather than thanking them for presenting themselves to us. Thanking them for the material that they provide. We want the world to be the way we want it to be rather than the way it is.

What I'm basically saying is, if the world gives you lemons, squeeze them in your eyes. Or something like that.

Nothing lasts for ever, even lemon juice in your eye.

10:46 PM

Blogger Bud said...

I'm not gonna try to reapeat anything, here. It sucks the big one and I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you'll do all you can to survive and come back because that's who you are. I'm not really qualified to expound on making it in show business since I live on a pension and show business is a paying hobby. I'm really glad I don't need to depend on it as a living. That's why I'm totally supportive of entertainers. I won't trash anybody. Hang in, Andy!

5:16 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

It's cute when Joe tries to use reverse psychology. He has a PhD and a zillion degrees, and yet he still sounds like he's full of shit...which indeed, he is.

No compelling arguements for continuing to waste time writing and giving it away and no compelling arguements for switching gears and focusing on getting paid for writing. Just, "Keep writing." That's so cute.

BTW, Joe tried all this on me last night when he graciously came over and took my ass out for a beer or two. Best part was watching him get drunk on an eye dropper full of O'Doul's!

One thing Joe did get right is that I am panicking a bit. It's just a shame he misspelled "panicking". ;)

I'm not completely without work in March. I'm just stuck with too many gigs paying at completely the wrong time. I've got plenty of gigs this week, but the majority of those are paying net-30 so I won't see the cash until it is far too late to do any good. Other gigs are ones that are relatively cheap and don't pay enough to cover the most pressing of the immediate bills. It's complicated.

It happens every year on more than one occasion. It just hasn't happened to such a massive and threatening degree in a long, LONG time.

In the past I'd be able to say, "I'll get through this," because it has happened so many times I know how to cope and get through it all. I always panic a little bit, but muddle through and enjoy better times later. This time is unlike any other and the circumstances are much more dire and I have no real reason to say I'll manage.

Honestly, I wouldn't be venting so much if there weren't so much to vent. There are too many "ifs" this time and I can't bank on the ifs. About the only IF I can successfully apply comes in the form of a Pat McCurdy song, "If I were a betting man I wouldn't bet on me."

Sorry I didn't quote you, Bud. I'm on dial-up and haven't been able to hear any of your songs yet. LOL!

Regardless, thanks to everyone for the well-wishes. It does help.

8:11 AM

Blogger Joe Schulenberg said...

Sorry for the advice. I was drunk when I wrote it, on a thimble full of Yukon Jack.

3:17 PM

Anonymous Brenda Coxe said...

Andy, you have to do what you have to do, but you're a talented writer as well as a comedian, so once you get your gigs, continue to work on your writing. Anytime you want my help with anything, you know where to find me.

8:53 PM


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