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For Christine
OK, these folks only qualify as celebrities if you are a big circus fan or even scarier, a big fan of circus clowns. However, these two guys are pretty well known by their faces alone and since I rarely post anything about my clown days, I thought I'd share these.
Lou Jacobs was a circus clown for as long as anyone could remember. For all I know he was created by God on the 8th day and then some time afterwards He created the circus. In any event, this guy was in the circus biz most of his life. He entertained untold millions of people and was a staple of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.Aside from his countless gags and routines which made him a legend in the business, he was in the film, The Greatest Show on Earth. His very famous clown persona was featured on a postage stamp, making him the only living person to be on a U.S. postage stamp at the time. During his lifetime he came to be known as the world's most famous living clown.
I came to know Lou when I was a student at the Ringling Bros. Clown College in 1988. He was still an active performer, though he was for all intents & purposes, retired. Funny thing about circus lifers, they're all "retired in between gigs". Every year he would come in to pass along some of his genius about the business and teach the students about the art of clowning.
I cannot lay claim to any life-altering friendship with the man. I enjoyed what little time I got to spend with him and he was always very nice to me. He'd answer all my questions and offer advice whenever possible. About the only good story I can share about our time came when we were preparing gags for the big "final exam" show.
I was working out the details of a walkaround gag (a gag where clowns stroll around the ring, stopping at intervals to quickly entertain a section of the audience before moving on). This gag was kind of unusual, but I won't go into the boring details about what was involved with costuming, timing, etc. If I can find the photos of me in the suit I'll post them and explain later.
Anyway, this was a gag that centered around a quick-change on my part and I had to make everything work well at the exact time as well as express some sort of character and emotion while in this thing. Lou told me in his thick accent that these types of gags are among the hardest to pull off and I should expect to work a lot to get it right.
When the time came for all the students to debut the walkaround gags for criticism from the master, I was among the most nervous, as was my partner. We went in, performed the gag a few times, and awaited critiques. After watching the gag a few times he pulled me and my partner over to him. Expecting the worst I was surprised to hear that we "did it perfectly" . He then looked at me and said one of the highest compliments I could have received, given the source, "You got it. You KNOW funny!"
At Clown College they always had one day set aside where Lou would don his famous face and attire and pose for photos with all the fledgling clowns. That is where I got this snapshot. Notice the grey cap I'm wearing. I stole that from my dad and he was always bugging me about that.
Moving along with the circus theme, I have a photo of me, in character, alongside a guy who could probably lay claim to being the current most famous living clown, Frosty Little.
Frosty is a great guy and he's got more of the funniest show business stories than anyone else I can recall. He, like Lou Jacobs, is responsible for creating some of the all-time greatest circus gags and is something of a genius in the funny biz.
He was the guy that you would have to impress when creating those walkaround gags. I never got a single walkaround gag of mine approved by him and therefore they were never produced. I have no idea who wrote the gag I performed for the big show, but I always considered it a failure of mine that I never got Frosty's approval on something I wrote.
Of course, every full-length stage gag I wrote was accepted and performed in the big show and at least one was approved by show owner & producer, Kenneth Feld, for use in the touring Ringling show. So at least I had that going for me. I suppose I'll have to dig out photos of "The Pizza Gag" for you later.
Once again, I have no great lasting bonding moments or stories to share. I do have this photo and some good recollections of Frosty being a very likeable man with a great sense of humor. About all I can do is share this photo and leave you with the words Frosty scrawled on all of my walkaround gag submissions.
"No. See me. -Frosty-"
;)
For Bud
Bud Buckley recently asked me about "how you deal with that feeling that comes too much later when you wished your performance went another way."
I'm not sure what to think about the question. Does he want to know how I feel when I do a show and bomb? Maybe he's wondering how I feel when, in retrospect, I think of something funnier or "better" than I said on stage at a certain moment.
Perhaps the question has to do with my thoughts about a bad show. That is to say, is a bad show a result of a bad performance or a bad audience?
Maybe he was just wondering what I go through when there's a bad show in general.
There is a possibility that Bud wants to know if I feel like a hack doing a standard act that I've been doing for 20 years when I could be making attempts at being ground-breaking or amazingly original.
Hell, he could be asking if I even give a crap about my shows since I realized so many years ago that I'm too lazy and now too old to ever be rich and/or famous.
Bud, I ask you this...huh?
Let me know what your feelings are like and I'll return in kind.
Random Celebrity Memories! Vol. Two: Curly Neal
 I don't get star-struck. I work in this business and while there are careers I admire and talents I covet, I try not to get all crazed around celebrities.
However, when I got word that I was going to be able to work former Harlem Globetrotters star, Curly Neal, I threw all that composure and calmness out the window!
Curly Neal is da' MAN! I was a huge Globetrotters fan as a kid and the thought of getting to meet Curly Neal was enough to make my whole year seem like a great year!
I was working as a clown at the Food Marketing Institute trade show at McCormick Place. The client was Procter & Gamble and they wanted some Ringling Clowns at their booth to help promote the fact that they were sponsoring the Greatest Show on Earth in 60 different markets that year.
We did so much to draw in new business for them that we were asked back the following day. I was the one of the only clowns that could attend. I was particularly to go because not only would I make another day's pay, but I would be there the day Curly Neal would be there signing autographs and helping P&G promote that they were sponsoring the Globetrotters across the country.
That was a fun day. Curly was the coolest! He was as friendly and funny as you would hope he'd be. Whenever you meet a celebrity, or in this case, a hero, you hope they're not total jerks and can meet your expectations of greatness you have built up in your head. Mr. Neal was better than I'd ever expected.
What was most impressive to me was the fact that he was genuinely a nice guy and not just putting on an act for the crowd. I got to spend time with him in the green room, in the elevator, and on the floor and he was a very cool guy in every respect. He was just as interested in my job and skills as I was in his. He shared some great stories, engaged in memorable conversation, and instantly became a friend. He even shared some of his ice cream with me on break. LOL!
The best part of the day was watching him with his fans. There were many big name celebrities in attendance at this event, but everybody wanted to be around Curly Neal. He posed for photos, signed autographs, and joked around with everybody. If you went to meet him you did not walk away disappointed.
OK, I lied. The ACTUAL best part of the day was when "Sweet Georgia Brown" played on the speakers. There were some basketballs being raffled off at the booth (signed by Curly, of course) and when that music came on, Curly would occasionally grab the ball and do some of his amazing tricks and patented moves with the ball. The juggler in me was dying inside from happiness! Then...it happened.
Curly called me over and asked me to be his partner during the routines. Even though it was just the two of us, in my mind I was passing a basketball around with Curly Neal in "The Magic Circle"! I was careful not to take too much time from him as he was really who the crowd came to see. However, since I could juggle and had a few moves of my own (all inspired by him, no doubt) I had to take the chance to put on a good show. We had a great time and the crowds ate it up. He was not expecting me to have any moves at all and it encouraged him to really pour on the magic. I will never forget that feeling and that moment.
At the end of the day we had a most surreal moment together. We were "off duty" so we could let our guard down a bit. The conversations were much more relaxed and casual. When we got into the elevator to head out, some guy came in and had the current issue of Playboy with him and was eager to "read" it right away. I forget which celeb was inside, but it was a big deal and it seemed everyone had a copy of this issue. Before too long the guy noticed both of us and asked if we'd seen the issue yet, holding the open issue out for us to see. So there I was, in clown make-up, standing next to Curly Neal, in an elevator, sneaking peeks at some naked celeb. When the guy...uh...got off the elevator, Curly and I laughed very loudly and said our good-byes.
 Somewhere out there, are candid snapshots of me with Curly Neal and some Procter & Gamble clients. I'd give just about anything to have a copy of just one of them. If you were at the FMI show at McCormick Place some time around 1988 or 89 and has a photo of Curly and some clown, drop me an e-mail!
I've gotten to meet quite a few famous folks over the years, including some other Globetrotters at different events. However, meeting Curly Neal will always be one of the highlights in my life. He was everything a fan of his would want him to be and then some. If nothing else, he was a lot more fun to be around than Meadowlark Lemon.
Random Celebrity Photos! Vol. Two: Lou Jacobs & Frosty Little
OK, these folks only qualify as celebrities if you are a big circus fan or even scarier, a big fan of circus clowns. However, these two guys are pretty well known by their faces alone and since I rarely post anything about my clown days, I thought I'd share these. Lou Jacobs was a circus clown for as long as anyone could remember. For all I know he was created by God on the 8th day and then some time afterwards He created the circus. In any event, this guy was in the circus biz most of his life. He entertained untold millions of people and was a staple of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Aside from his countless gags and routines which made him a legend in the business, he was in the film, The Greatest Show on Earth. His very famous clown persona was featured on a postage stamp, making him the only living person to be on a U.S. postage stamp at the time. During his lifetime he came to be known as the world's most famous living clown.  I came to know Lou when I was a student at the Ringling Bros. Clown College in 1988. He was still an active performer, though he was for all intents & purposes, retired. Funny thing about circus lifers, they're all "retired in between gigs". Every year he would come in to pass along some of his genius about the business and teach the students about the art of clowning.
I cannot lay claim to any life-altering friendship with the man. I enjoyed what little time I got to spend with him and he was always very nice to me. He'd answer all my questions and offer advice whenever possible. About the only good story I can share about our time came when we were preparing gags for the big "final exam" show. I was working out the details of a walkaround gag (a gag where clowns stroll around the ring, stopping at intervals to quickly entertain a section of the audience before moving on). This gag was kind of unusual, but I won't go into the boring details about what was involved with costuming, timing, etc. If I can find the photos of me in the suit I'll post them and explain later. Anyway, this was a gag that centered around a quick-change on my part and I had to make everything work well at the exact time as well as express some sort of character and emotion while in this thing. Lou told me in his thick accent that these types of gags are among the hardest to pull off and I should expect to work a lot to get it right. When the time came for all the students to debut the walkaround gags for criticism from the master, I was among the most nervous, as was my partner. We went in, performed the gag a few times, and awaited critiques. After watching the gag a few times he pulled me and my partner over to him. Expecting the worst I was surprised to hear that we "did it perfectly" . He then looked at me and said one of the highest compliments I could have received, given the source, "You got it. You KNOW funny!" At Clown College they always had one day set aside where Lou would don his famous face and attire and pose for photos with all the fledgling clowns. That is where I got this snapshot. Notice the grey cap I'm wearing. I stole that from my dad and he was always bugging me about that.
 Moving along with the circus theme, I have a photo of me, in character, alongside a guy who could probably lay claim to being the current most famous living clown, Frosty Little.
Frosty is a great guy and he's got more of the funniest show business stories than anyone else I can recall. He, like Lou Jacobs, is responsible for creating some of the all-time greatest circus gags and is something of a genius in the funny biz. He was the guy that you would have to impress when creating those walkaround gags. I never got a single walkaround gag of mine approved by him and therefore they were never produced. I have no idea who wrote the gag I performed for the big show, but I always considered it a failure of mine that I never got Frosty's approval on something I wrote. Of course, every full-length stage gag I wrote was accepted and performed in the big show and at least one was approved by show owner & producer, Kenneth Feld, for use in the touring Ringling show. So at least I had that going for me. I suppose I'll have to dig out photos of "The Pizza Gag" for you later. Once again, I have no great lasting bonding moments or stories to share. I do have this photo and some good recollections of Frosty being a very likeable man with a great sense of humor. About all I can do is share this photo and leave you with the words Frosty scrawled on all of my walkaround gag submissions. "No. See me. -Frosty-"
Finding Jessica
It is no secret that I have a major blog crush on Jessica. I know, I know...join the club!
Anyway, she recently disappeared and her blog went away. I didn't get too worried as she has done this before. Oddly enough it always seems to happen immediately after she posts some provocative pictures of herself. I can't decide if she has quite the collection of stalkers following her or if she has a boyfriend or husband (or both!) that is completely unaware that she occasionally posts some naughty photos.
I am fairly confident anyone worthy of Jessica's attention is made full aware of her special ways of expressing herself. Of course, you can't help but let your mind wander and think the worst when no comments are left here for a long time, few posts are made there, and then one day...good story, naughty pics, and removal from the blogiverse!
 Anyway, she's alive and well and free from stalkers and the like. If anyone was in dire need of thoughtful content about family, beautiful photos of famous artwork, insight into the food & fun Philadelphia has to offer, and risqué photos of a very pretty and well built dancer, head to Jessica's blog and enjoy!
Chicago North-Siders, Come See Me at The Lincoln Lodge this Friday!
Here's the info:
LOCATION The Lincoln Restaurant (founded in 1974) 4008 N. Lincoln Ave (intersection of Lincoln, Damen and Irving Park) Chicago
FREE PARKING Available in the Lincoln Restaurant back parking lot. Enter from Irving Park Rd. heading westbound.
SHOWTIME Fridays at 9 pm. Join us for music, slides and pre-show dining or drinks from 8 pm.
ADMISSION $7 with a one-drink minimum. 18-and-over.
RESERVATIONS Call our hotline at 773-296-4029. Calling after 12 pm on Friday? Call the Lincoln Restaurant directly at 773-248-1820.
More details: TheLincolnLodge.com
If you go PLEASE be sure to tell the guys at the door you came to see me! It makes a difference. ;) Of course I know that nobody will be there because this is too little notice for ya and nobody local seems to read my blog or my website calendar. LOL!
My Cards Are Better! How About A Contest?!
Vegas Freedom has these cool packs of trading cards that they give away. These feature some of the famous chefs who have restaurants in Vegas. They're just like baseball cards, with stats and everything.  I picked up a pack when I was working a tourism trade show a few days prior to my recent Las Vegas trip. I was going to try and get them all autographed by the chefs themselves, but really, were they actually going to BE there? More importantly, was I going to be able to afford to eat at any of these places? I didn't think so.  Now I'm making half-assed attempts to clean the apartment and I'm tired of looking at them. They're cool and all, but I have thousands of my own trading cards lying around the house. Do I really need somebody else's cards? If you'd like this set of 13 chef cards, post your favorite joke about food, restaurants (including chefs, waitresses, etc.) or Las Vegas in the comments section of this post. The one that makes me laugh the most (or at all, really) will get them sent directly to your front door. Then, when you get tired of looking at them you can give them to some other blogger. I'd sell them on eBay, but this is much more fun! I'll make my decision about the winner on Monday. Happy joking!
What's That Sound? OH! That's the Sound of the Post Office Sucking Ass!
 Back in December I posted about some marketing and some stories I sent to This American Life. Well the marketing was barely successful if at all, and This American Life told me I sucked total ass, but neither of those things are what this is about.
Within that post I talked about this infuriating new machine the post office is trying to force us to use called the Automated Postal Center.
I would indeed use this machine. It does MANY of the things I would normally have to wait too fucking long in line at my post office for and it is simple to use. One little problem...it only takes credit or debit cards.
How stupid do you have to be? I know debit cards are like using cash, but I just hate using them. As for credit cards, I really don't see putting postage on my credit card as any smart way to spend money. How hard would it really be to have this machine take cash?
We get dinged with postage increases often and we are always told it is to vastly improve the service we receive. Well, they won't spend the revenue on more people at my postal counter because that would involve adding payroll and benefits, if not actually make my trip to the post office less painful. They won't get the workers they've already got to do their work any faster or more efficiently because they wouldn't be able to justify more increases in postage. So they came up with a rather good idea executed rather poorly!
My local post office, the 3rd largest post office east of the Rocky Mountains, is among the absolute WORST in service. There is almost ALWAYS a long line at the counter, even at 2:00 PM on a Wednesday afternoon in April, and there are never any people at the counter to take care of me.
This office used to have a vending machine in the lobby that dispensed stamps in every conceivable denomination as well as gave cash back for change. I loved this machine because I could get my priority postage and so on without the hassle of the lines. There was also a machine that just had single ounce and additional ounce denominations inside. They removed the good machine to make room for the automated crap and left the completely inconvenient machine behind. So now when I'm there I have to suffer through their incompetence in order to get the postage I need. I will not be using their automated piece of crap, even out of spite!
Apparently, nobody else wants to use this thing because the lines are longer than ever and every so often there's some chick trying to encourage people to use the machine, offering to give instructions on how it can make our lives easier. Whenever I see her and she approaches me I always ask if the machine takes cash. When she says,"No," I give her a rather smug grin and an earful about how I'd rather stand in line and complain to the counter person about how this post office sucks much ass.
There was no photo available of the machine before and now the post office is so proud of this machine nobody wants to use they have post cards in the lobby announcing it's arrival. I felt it necessary to share it with you.
An Oldie But a Goodie
I just love sites that translate the text into other languages & dialects. I decided to run Andy Land through The Pornolizer to see what this blog might sound like in porno-speak. Turns out I sound like Handy Randy!
Click Here to read the results. Then click on ANY of the links to see the next site all porned out.
My personal favorite from my site:
"I am NOT much of a fistfucking reader, which is somewhat ironic since I AM a creaming writer." - Andy "Long Finger" Martello
What if These Penguins Were Terrorists?
 Among the reasons why I like checking out the very fine blog, Attu Sees All,is you will find news stories and websites that might go unnoticed were Attu not watching.
This is an example of just how valuable a blog really is to the world. To hell with news blogs and Andrew fucking Sullivan! I like Attu!
Click on the pic or this link and check out the slide show of a pair of penguins going through airport security. This is very cool.
Sadly, I'm never on a plane when there are penguins on board. One can hope.
Come On, People! Buy Some Damn Shirts!
The latest stats from Fu-Qtoo.com: Visits this month
3245
Shirt Views this month
882
Total Visits
3513
Total Shirt Views
924
Your Account has $0.00 US Dollars currentlyThis SUCKS! I can't expect everyone who clicks on the Fu-Qtoo link to buy a shirt, but really now! Enough have gone for a visit to warrant SOMEONE buying a shirt! Need I remind you that I'm not getting much in the way of entertainment work and I'm far too lazy (and too pessimistic to think I'd make any money) to send out my writing for pay? I have to generate some cash from somewhere! What am I going to do? Get a real job? FUCK ALL THAT!
Go buy a shirt for someone you love today. Hell, buy one for someone you hate for all I care.
Make me even more extra cash by buying shirts who's designs I inspired. Need a refresher course?
Why Can't I Get "Tagged" By a Couple of Hot Chicks?
I've been tagged by Doyle, to play along in another one of these silly memes. I don't quite understand the purpose of these things because nobody actually does them the way you're supposed to.
You are supposed to answer the questions and e-mail the people you're tagging to answer the questions next, so they know they've been included in the darned game. You should also name people from blogs not on your list of friends in order to encourage readership among other blogs.
I mean, the only reason I know I was brought into this is because I read Doyle's blog every day and found my name listed. Had I not checked his blog I'd be unaware I was breaking the chain (OH! The HORROR!) I've seen this meme on the blog of just about everyone else I read every day, telling me that the same 15 or 16 people are sending the darned thing along to each other. This creates a cycle where I read the same blogs I would have read every day in the first place. ZEESH!
Anyway I have to choose 5 of these sentences and complete them in a clever way, then pass the thing along to three other poor saps. Here are the questions I have to choose from. I'll just add my answer onto the end of the sentences I chose in order to save time,
Choose your poison…
If I could be a scientist…
If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician…
If I could be a doctor…I probably STILL couldn't afford health insurance.
If I could be a painter…
If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary…
If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect…
If I could be a linguist…I'd be a cunning one!
If I could be a psychologist…
If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete…
If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an inn-keeper…I'd probably hire Tom Poston as my handyman, and Julia Duffy as my maid.
If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer…I wouldn't have to set my face on fire for money anymore.
If I could be a llama-rider…
If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be an astronaut…
If I could be a world famous blogger…
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world…
If I could be married to any current famous political figure…let's say...Ann Coulter, with or without permission, I'd pull her hair & fuck her in the ass every night for the rest of her life, just so I could watch her make speeches about morality, family values, and the like. Then I'd have the mental image of her taking my cock in her ass and screaming, "I'm a dirty little whore! Fuck my ass, you monster!" and I'd L-A-U-G-H!
Now, to pass this on and ruin someone else's day. I will stick with people on my friends list to keep things similar to everyone else. However I will pick people who probably won't answer and I'll not e-mail them knowing this will likely kill the meme. Someone has to put a stop to the insanity! I will pass this on to...
60 Cent (Handy Randy) because I am sure he doesn't read my blog much any more. If he does, at least I know he'll swear a lot and make it interesting.
Frank Stokes because he reads this blog even less than Handy Randy, if at all. If he does read this and chooses to answer I'm sure he will be funny.
Heidi Miller because she recently stopped by to say HI and she might stop by again. Regardless, I know her real answers would give me a boner, but I also know we'll never get to read them because she's got a great clean and corporate image to uphold.
Ahhh, Prom Memories!
Maybe I've been thinking about prom because I was so recently SPAMMED by a prom dress website.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I just finished a booking at a prom.
Maybe it is just that time of year again.
Whatever the reason I thought it was about time for me to alienate the fine & upstanding readers of Malicious Bitch with my own personal tale of teenage romance gone wrong. In case you've missed it and your chance to tell me how much I'm going to Hell, I send you now to read, "Hair of the Dog, A Prom Nightmare", this week at MBC.
I'll have more about this story later this week I'm sure.
They're Just Funny (and Fairly Easy to Draw)
From Mother Goose & Grimm. Who doesn't love penguins humor? You should be able to read it better when you click on the picture. If you're one big lazy goofball and won't be clicking anything that doesn't lead to porn, the caption reads, "Nothing much changed on this little island except every now and then Carl tried to get a wave started."
Spreading Big Elvis Across the Land!
It seems my recent post about Big Elvis has brought another blogger into the Andy Land camp.
I am pleased to announce another link partner and I owe it all the massive majesty of the mighty, Big Elvis. John Gaitan, of The Tangent Universe stumbled upon my site recently and left a comment. He later found it necessary to write about Big Elvis himself and throw a little plug for my humble blog in the process.
After careful examination of his blog, I'm willing to forgive his Republican ways based on his love for things like Johnny Cash & Bruce Campbell, if not for his fascination with artistic meat creations.
Thanks for linking John. (in Elvis voice) Thank you very much. Labels: Big Elvis, Bruce Campbell, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash
MMMmmm, Baby Water Fowl!
Our first baby goose sighting of the year happened the other day. We have a very lovely pastoral pond in our apartment complex and with that comes many geese, ducks, and other birds.
Every year we get many families of geese & ducks and it makes for big time fun around here. I've been behind in tracking the nests and progress of the hatchlings. Well, they just couldn't wait for me to get out there and do my thing and this first set of 5 goslings was spotted the other day. 
As I was taking a few photos of our new goose family this family of 10 ducklings came swimming into view. In past years we've had as many as 60 baby geese and 4o baby ducks roaming the grounds and learning all about begging for food from suburban apartment dwellers. This is actually the first time I had the presence of mind to get out the camera and preserve the moment. I'll be sure to keep you posted on the water fowl patrol! In the meantime, admire the lovely scenery and majestic beauty of a man-made pond, some footbridges, and the like.
I Survived the Prom
It was actually a very cool gig. I have to say that the students of North Linn High School in Troy Mills, Iowa are very cool. They were very polite and came to the show to have a good time so my gig was most excellent for me.
Things have sure changed since I was a prom going student. This was a fairly small town and measures are taken to try and keep the kids from heading out to the bigger city to drink and potentially crash their cars.
So, at this school they have the prom and then a massive after prom event that features food, games, rides, and most impressively, fabulous prizes. I'm not kidding. There were laptop computers, microwave ovens, and all sorts of good loot to be had for students in attendance. When I went to prom the big thrill was getting to keep the champagne flute with the prom theme printed on the side. Now you get a Gateway computer!
This was also cool because about 150 students signed up for the after prom event and I was told that they were quite interested in seeing the comedy juggler/fire eater guy. They would leave the prom, go home and change into P.J.'s and sweats or whatever they were most comfortable in, and then enjoy the event til 4:00 AM. It was also a "lock-in" event, so I quite actually had a captive audience!
I've done many a high school event, but my first show at a prom was very cool.
Strange Booking Tonight!
I am hopeful that this will be a good time for all as opposed to just a good paycheck for me. I'll say this slowly so you can soak it all in properly.
I have to perform...in Iowa...at 1:00 AM...at a PROM!
I've worked many high school events before, but a prom is something new for me. I can only imagine how this will all be received. I mean, I will be something of a required activity at this event and I'll be effectively cock-blocking every teen there with my 45-minute show.
I'm about to jump in the car and make my 4-hour trek now. Details to follow!
Some New Link Partners
Please do yourself a favor and check out the following blogs.
Cure the Conscious
Freddie is one twisted and bizarre man. He has a wild sense of humor and finds some most unusual things to link to in his blog. I've wanted to do a link exchange with him for some time. I am very happy to be listed among his friends. Of course, that's mostly because I am afraid of him.
Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling
How can you NOT read a blog with that title? Come on, people! Get with the program! Broomhilda is an Illinois witch with some serious spider problems. She also has quite the sense of humor as well as a separate poetry blog. Check her out and have her cast a spell for you sometime.
Thanks for the links, folks!
Penguins! Why Did it Have to Be Penguins?
 They say once you crack the seal, the flood gates open. I forget what that phrase is in reference to, but it may have something to do with a penguin's lust for a lady seal or something. Anyway, it applies.
I will probably have to set up a section of the old site here that features links to penguin games, movies, and the like. I keep getting more and more good penguin stuff sent to me.
Just last night my Older, Wiser Brother sent me a link to a very funny little penguin video. If you enjoy seeing what happens to a penguin after too much ecstasy & Red Bull, then CLICK HERE!
Jade, who seems to be more enamored with a Llamas these days than penguins, did send me a great "penguinized" animation the other day. I laughed many times at these Penguin Calls.
The photo I posted is of the penguin habitat at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. Every time we're there I make sure to stop by and snap several photos. I just love seeing penguins in the desert. Maybe one day Wayne Newton will be kind enough to invite me into his home so I can meet his penguins. Sure meeting Wayne would be cool...but Wayne's penguins? We have a winner!
Random Celebrity Memories! Vol. One: Audrey Hepburn
To accompany my last post I'll throw in my first installment of... Random Celebrity Memories! These are stories about celebrity encounters that have no autographs or photos to back up the story. I completely understand if you want to throw a flag on the play because you believe the "Bullshit Meter" is flashing red. I assure you, the stories are all true. I doubt you'll need to worry about the veracity of the stories as they are quite unspectacular in every respect. However, not having any "proof" to back up the story, feel free to call me a liar. Many years ago, I'm thinking around 1988 or 1989, I had a gig at the historic Palmer House Hotel in Chicago. This was one of my earliest "strolling gigs", where I was to wander through the party and juggle for people at their tables, while they were standing in line at the bar, etc. The theme was something lame like Parisian Nights, and all of the performers had to dress like French mimes and "artistes". It was lame. I liked the paycheck and at this point I'd never been to the Palmer House, so I was excited nonetheless. The event was a large fundraiser for UNICEF and the guest of honor was the most beautiful and extremely generous , Audrey Hepburn. There were many celebrities in attendance, but you simply don't trump Miss Hepburn, even if the music that night was provided by Buster Poindexter. I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't get to officially meet her. We never shook hands, I never got an autograph, nor did we share much meaningful conversation. We did have a few words which I'll share in a moment. I can say that the times I was within "spitting distance" to her, she was not only beautiful, but she smelled lovely. Most of the night was spent doing my job for all the party guests. I was seen on a few local news stations juggling in the background. I did get into a few photo opps and I was a good performer. There were a few moments where I did get to watch Hepburn do her thing, dazzling the crowd with her grace and beauty. We passed each other on several occasions and at one point there was a big group photo involving all of the strolling performers and Miss Hepburn. SOMEWHERE in the world there is a photo or two of me and about 6 other jugglers, in French mime costumes, with Audrey Hepburn in the middle of the group. If anyone out there has a copy please send it along. At the end of our photo session I got to have my "moment" with her. Not wanting to fawn all over her like so many others were that night, and not being one to get too squishy-giddy around celebrities, I didn't even introduce myself. I simply said something to her as she said her good-byes and walked passed me, something designed to be silly but memorable & somewhat reverent. "Miss Hepburn, you're one classy broad."She stopped, looked back at me, smiled her famous smile and replied, "Darling, you have no idea!"And then, she walked away, full of grace and beauty. I thought she was one amazing person before, but now I knew she really was damned cool.
Random Celebrity Photos! Vol. One: Bruce Campbell
As if I needed a reason, I now add a new and extremely pointless semi-regular feature to this here blog... Random Celebrity Photos! Every now and again I will post some photo from my archives of miscellany that feature me with celebrities of varying prominence. I don't have many of them so they will come out rather sporadically, I'm afraid. If I have a cool celebrity story with no accompanying photo I may add them in a segment called... Random Celebrity Memories! I've actually had more encounters with celebrities & pseudo-celebrities than I have autographs and photos. I never really get all crazy around these folks and go autograph happy. I'm much more content having a cool memory or two to share. Personal encounters are much cooler to me than trinkets and photos. Of course having something tangible to back up your story is always nice. Leading off this new waste of bandwidth is a photo of me and Evil Dead/Maniac Cop/Bubba Ho-Tep cult superstar, Bruce Campbell. You may recall that Bruce played a pivotal role in my article for The Cheers, "Fun With Ego-Surfing" some time ago. I was fortunate enough to be at a couple of his signings for his book, "If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a 'B' Movie Actor", He was also kind enough to answer questions, chat with fans, and pose for photos. Always nice to see what $25.00 and some time in line can buy you. For me, it bought a very entertaining read, some memorable but brief conversation, and this photo. Bruce is marveling at my "Legalize Shemp" shirt, a shirt I wore on that day for two reasons. First, (and really the ONLY reason) it was CLEAN! Second, (and the bogus reason I tell the Campbell hipster fans out there) I knew that Bruce was a Three Stooges fan and that the term "fake shemp" was a prevalent credit in all of the Evil Dead films. I honestly didn't think of that until I was already in line to get a book signed, but it did make my time with Mr. Campbell much more enjoyable.  If you are not familiar with Bruce Campbell's work, you certainly owe it to yourself to check out some of the TV shows and films he's worked on over the years. "The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr." is still one of my favorite programs of all time. Man I wish that were on DVD! He's got a new book coming out soon called, "Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way" and somehow I am sure it will be the finest book ever written!
What Should I Be Reading?
Even though most of you know I don't really read all that much, it has dawned on me that I should be looking for some new blogs to read, shamelessly plug, and then benefit from the virtual mutual masturbation that ensues.
So my friends, you know me, know my sense of humor, & know my smart-assed way of looking at things (and yet you're still here. Huh.). What kick-ass blog have I been missing? Who should I read as regularly as I read your own blogs? Who has been under the Andy Land radar up til now?
No Change! (99% Official)
"Dear Mr. Martello,
I have completed the examination of your tax return for the year(s) shown above. I am pleased to inform you I'm proposing no change to your tax return. As indicated in the enclosed form 4549, Examination No Change Report, my findings are subject to the Area Director's approval. You will receive a final no change letter when we finish processing your file.
Thank you for your cooperation."
That is the letter I received in the mail today. Now it is 99% over and done with and I couldn't be happier. Well, I will be happier when it is 100% final and there is no change to my return. For now, this is great news and I'm almost ready to exhale.
And Now...The Rest of the Story
 Whenever we go to Las Vegas we always see our good friend, Greg. Whenever people we know are going to Las Vegas we insist that they go see our good friend, Greg. Why?
Greg is arguably the best bartender on the planet, if not one of the genuinely nicest guys I know. He's a hell of a good mixologist and something of a charismatic and funny guy. He is generous with the drinks and always makes the atmosphere at the Rum Jungle, our favorite club in Vegas, fun and enjoyable for all.
We met Greg several years ago and after many visits simply to drink and enjoy his company, we became good friends. We always make sure to visit him at work and try to make at least one social call for lunch, dinner, or other fun whenever we're in town. We share holiday phone calls, send each other Christmas cards, and we always have fun.
This trip was no exception.
Greg works day shifts in order to take care of his kids and be a great dad at night. He's there Wednesdays through Sundays from about NOON to 7PM. We only had a couple of days in which we could hook up with him this time around.
When we finally got to see him at the Rum Jungle we of course enjoyed some great drinks and were fortunate enough to be able to get together for dinner later that night.
Greg INSISTS on taking us out all the time, but we manage to spoil him when we can. This time around there would be no spoiling from us. Greg blew us away.
That day at the bar we noticed a well-dressed man who looked somewhat familiar to us, sitting at the other end of the bar. Before too long Greg informed us that the guy was another one of his fans and regulars, Palms Casino owner, George Maloof.
Mr. Maloof had been trying to lure Greg over to his casino and various bars since before The Palms had opened. Greg was not only happy where he was at, but confessed that in the beginning he'd told Mr. Maloof many times that The Palms was in a lousy location and would never work. Marketing proved Greg wrong and the two of them share laughs about it to this day.
Greg still won't head on over to Maloof's clubs because he likes where he's at and needs the flexible schedule to take care of his kids. The guy has integrity. Maloof still visits often because, as I said, Greg is the best damn bartender on Earth.
That night we hooked up with Greg at Gameworks to play some video games, drink, and later go somewhere for dinner. Unbeknownst to us, Greg had made arrangements at Smith & Wollensky, a very upscale steak house, with superb food. We've got one of those restaurants in Chicago and we were both very aware of the reputation and the quality, if not the price tag involved with a meal. We tried to insist that Greg need not take us there but he would have none of it.
In fact, the current manager of S & W, Justin, was a good friend of Greg's, and a former bar-back of his. The place was packed and full with reservations, and yet Justin was able to walk us in without any trouble. We even got a great bottle of wine sent our way before we'd even looked at a menu. Very cool.
Before we know it, Greg had ordered us all filet mignon & lobster tails, which were cooked to absolute perfection and we had a most amazing time eating, drinking, and laughing.
 Several times I told Greg that we'd intended to take HIM out. Several times we mentioned he didn't have to spend all this cash on us. Every time he just smiled it all off. One last time before the meals came we told him he didn't have to do this. Greg just said, "Believe me. I've had a good week, a good day in fact. Besides it is April's birthday and...well, I did mention the guy owns a hotel and casino, right?" Basically he was saying that he was GROSSLY over-tipped at work and money was not an issue.
After that conversation it dawned on us that George Maloof bought us our dinner. The next morning we all laughed a good laugh at how much fun we had the night before, how cool Greg is, how great the meal was, and how much mileage we'll get out of telling people George Maloof bought us dinner.
We'll get Greg back for all his generosity one of these days. Right now we're lamenting over the facts that I didn't speak to Mr. Maloof to try and drum up work, knowing that his casino is much more centered around hot Playboy models, and that April did not mention opening up a branch of her store, Marche Noir, at The Palms (one of their target locations). We're both awful at tooting our own horns I guess. At least the dinner was good. LOL!
Loose Ends
This trip to Las Vegas was primarily a fun trip with a little bit of business thrown in there. April's birthday was the entire reason for this trip and so everything was very April-centric.
This time around we didn't do very much in the way of shows and the like. While I would like to have more baudy stories of debauchery to share, this was more about walking, playing, and enjoying the nice weather. We went to many of our favorite haunts, ate some of our favorite foods, and saw some of our favorite people.
I did make some new entertainment contacts, which is the key to actually being an entertainer in Vegas - good contacts. I always do some preliminary sending out of e-mails and press kits to various agencies in Vegas prior to a trip and try to make some appointments with them if they're open to such things.
This time around I met with a performer who first contacted me via e-mail, Scott Thrasher. He's somewhat retired, by his own accounting of his work. However he does still work at the Rio and a few other good gigs. Much of his time is spent raising his young daughter these days.
He originally contacted me wanting info on spinning plates. Not wanting to completely give away my future I traded secrets for good & useful info about the biz in Las Vegas and some other good contacts to follow up on. Our meeting was beneficial for both of us and I look forward to maybe performing alongside Scott some day soon. He and his family were joys to meet and I'm sure they are all excellent performers too!
As for the good mojo I was asking for prior to my departure, I can't say for certain if it all worked out or not. The good news is 98% going to happen. However since it did not come in full-swing I'm hesitant to mention it, being a bit superstitious about such things. I'm sure you can guess what it is about, so I'll "risk it" and talk about the possibility of good news.
As some of you know I've been caught up in an IRS audit, my second in as many years. After the thrashing I took last year I was more than certain that I would be involved in yet another beating this year. However I was infinitely more prepared this time and it would seem as though my preparations along with the luck of the draw with regard to auditors may have actually worked in my favor.
My accountant told me that aside from a few minor changes for future returns, there would be NO CHANGE and all this would come to a quick and torment-free conclusion. The auditor was extremely understanding about the specific needs of my line of work and was more than impressed with the way I presented and logged all of my receipts and contracts. After her review she told my accountant that the minor changes would be negligible and pending approval from her superior, I am awaiting a decision. With hope, that decision will be a big NO CHANGE!
Naturally I cannot do the happy dance just yet. The auditor's boss was not in the office last Tuesday so the whole thing has not reached an end. One of these days (within a few weeks) I'll get a letter from the IRS with their decision inside. I will not breathe a single sigh of relief until it is all over. I did smile once or twice after hearing the news though. Is that wrong?
We WERE Thinking of Staying at the Algiers
 Something inside us said that the San Remo was the better choice!
Last October we landed in Las Vegas and stayed on the north end at the Sahara. On one of our walks down the strip we noticed that the Algiers, a long-standing crap-hole motel in Vegas since 1953, was closed.
We assumed it would be demolished and something better would take its place. We made our way down the strip for a day of fun & frolic in Las Vegas.
That same evening, some 8 hours later, on our return back to the Sahara, the hotel was rubble! Complete rubble. Shards of wood, busted pipes, and broken windows were all we saw.
The next day, as we walked down the strip, the lot was completely empty. The entire motel, every thing was GONE! All that remained was the sign.
Mysteriously, six months later, the lot is just as empty but the sign still remains. The glass has been removed from the Algiers sign, but otherwise, it is still there. All that effort to remove the motel in a very timely manner and yet no effort at all to remove the sign. Very strange!
OK, Here Are Some Vegas Stories
 We never give much thought about where we're planning on staying when we're in Las Vegas. We look for the absolute best prices and figure that we won't be spending that much time in the hotel anyways. I know people that have gone to Vegas, spent a fortune on some fabulous room and never even saw the darn place except to sleep. Of course I also know folks who go to Vegas specifically to stay in their room and smoke pot all week. I guess most people don't understand the vacation in Vegas concept. This time around the least expensive hotel came in the form of the Hotel San Remo. I was actually very excited to be staying there because it is one of the older hotels and it is soon to be retrofitted with a Hooters face lift. That is to say, soon it will be transformed into the Hooters Hotel & Casino and the San Remo will be no more.
I've no problem with the new look and the new owners. I will be rather pissed off if I go into the new Hooters casino and see one ugly or poorly built cocktail waitress. I mean it! You build a Hooters casino in Vegas and every damn waitress, at any point in the day, had better be SMOKIN' HOT! I go into the place at 3:30 AM on a Tuesday in May and I'd better be sprouting wood immediately after getting my beverage!
Anyway, I've been to the San Remo before and I've always enjoyed the hospitality and the food. They always have good prime rib specials and their breakfasts are most excellent. We loved our little hotel and felt it was appropriate that we got to spend some time there. April even won some cash on a video poker machine at the San Remo, a reward for our wise choice in hotels!  One thing that is good about our location on this trip was the San Remo's proximity to the MGM Grand. Las Vegas has finally worked all of the bugs out of their new Monorail and it is a DREAM in public transportation if you plan on traversing the strip. Three bucks one way can get you from the far south end of the strip (MGM) to the far north end (Sahara) in just a little over 15 minutes. If things work out they'll have a monorail system from the airport and to the downtown parts of Las Vegas. Most excellent. Plus, you can get a great view of the Hotel San Remo if you play your cards right! In order to avoid ridiculously long posts I'll stop here and share the juicy stuff with you later.
I'm Back, But Who Cares?
Yes, I'm back in town. I'd be more than happy to share with you some of the fun & frolic from my latest trip. However, why should I bother? I mean really, look at these pathetic stats! Clearly, readership dropped off into the abyss when I went on vacation, which I'll admit is kind of flattering. After all, I said I'd be gone for a few days and you all actually read the post and said, "Ahh. He'll be gone for a few days. No need to check back." I appreciate that people are reading what I write. The entertainer in me loves the idea that if I'm not around then clearly there's nothing worth looking at. Very nice. Hell, I'm back now. I've posted a couple of times, shared photos of floral creatures and a 400+ pound Elvis for fuck's sake! There should be more than me, Doyle, and Christine looking in. Just the activity alone should spark something! I've always known that I really only have between 15-35 actual regular readers & repeat visitors. I live with that humbling fact and love my loyal readers on an individual basis. LOL! However I have always had about 300-500 page loads per day and an average of about 250-450 new & unique visitors every day. I go away for four lousy days and BOOM! Andy Land is no more! Tear down the walls. Turn the soil. Salt the Earth. Why bother sharing any of the fun if there's not going to be anyone around to read it? Of course, it is the weekend. People DO have better things to do than read my crap. I have better things to do than write this crap. Hell, I could take a crap and that would count as something better to do. Hmmm...I think I'll indulge the crapping thing and consider my options. More later...maybe.
Big Elvis. Bigger Fun!
 I am always one to extol the virtues of excellent performers, even if they are not me. I've gone on to talk about rock stars, comedians, movies, and of course, Las Vegas legends like Wayne Newton and Tom Jones.
Well my friends, today I feel it is my duty as an American to tell you about the one, the only, BIG ELVIS!
On our last day in Las Vegas we did our usual amount of wandering the strip, shopping, gambling, and drinking. We had just finished a conversation about how we should make an effort to see more of the afternoon shows and other attractions on our next trip when we came upon The Barbary Coast.
As luck would have it, one such show was in full swing and so we ventured in to see the unbridled majesty of BIG ELVIS, the King Size King of Rock-n-Roll!
Take a look at this magnificent creature. BIG ELVIS, also known as singer Pete Vallee, is one of the most enjoyable performers to watch anywhere. I am not normally a big fan of Elvis impersonators. I found that I am a fan of BIG ELVIS!
This guy puts on one hell of a good show. He has a great voice and a charismatic personality, if not a unique twist on the Elvis act. It is just the kind of spectacular cheese-tastic fun I would expect to find in Las Vegas. He gets the crowds singing and dancing. He knows just about every Elvis tune and sings them all to near perfection. In short, BIG ELVIS is a great show.
What's better is that this is a free show running indefinitely at The Barbary Coast. We bought a t-shirt and a CD that he was kind enough to sign for us. Please visit his website and listen to some samples of his work. Buy some CDs or other merchandise. Go to his fan forum and tell him that he is just AWESOME!
BIG ELVIS rocks and deserves your attention before he dies from a massive coronary on stage. Labels: Big Elvis, Elvis Presley
Can't Get Enough of the Flower-Covered Snail?
Did Ya Miss Me?
 Of course you did! I'm da man! I've read all those silly other blogs out there and I know that I am the only writer on Earth worth reading. I've scoured the world to find out and fully confirm something I've always suspected; I am the only provider of high quality content in the internet and quite possibly the world! And you, all wannabes in my superior and near god-like eyes, are yearning for more of my wisdom, humor, and genius. You wait with the anticipation of a young child on Christmas or Easter. You are doing the virtual doggy pee-pee dance like a hound who's been waiting for the master to return home and take you out for a refreshing walk through the park. You are about to have that fantastic moment of exhilaration. You will soon be able to exhale and soak up the majesty that is the Andy Land blog celebrating the return of the great and powerful Andy Martello. That's right, loyal subjects, I have returned! For my first post I bring to you the unbridled brilliance of the Bellagio conservatory in spring. I have many fine photos to share with you, as I am sure you can surmise by bearing witness to the simple elegance of the first picture. However, since you've come to expect a certain hip quality and bizarre view of the world from my near perfect brain, I feel it necessary to show you a photo of a giant snail made entirely out of flowers. Viva Las Vegas! Viva Las Vegas, everyone! 
Hello! I Must Be Going.
I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going.
I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going.
I'd stay a week or two, I'd stay the summer through, but I am telling you...
I must be going.
GOD I love the Marx Brothers!!!
Anyway, I'm off like a prom dress. I've blogged many posts for you to read in my absence and I'll try to get to a computer over the next few days while in Las Vegas.
Wish me luck.
Wish April a Happy Birthday.
Wish for Wings that Work (Penguin reference, there).
Viva Las Vegas!
On Our Last Trip to Vegas...
 We went to see the one & only Wayne Newton!
A few years back April & I had decided we were going to take in some Vegas shows.
We wanted to see one production show and saw EFX, starring Rick Springfield (Of course!). We also promised ourselves we were going to see one headliner show. That year, we saw Tom Jones.
I've gone to see him several times since then and I'd see him any day of the week. A most excellent show and one of the most powerful voices ever heard.
Last year we made the pilgrimage to see Vegas legend, Wayne Newton, and were just as happy with our choice! The photo you see is April shaking Wayne's hand, seconds before he leaned in to give her a kiss. Naturally, my crappy camera is great for snapshots, but lousy at rapid-fire photo taking and I didn't get a good shot of the two of them together. LOL! Strangely, this would have been my favorite photo from the trip even if I got a great picture of them!
Now, understand that we only originally went to see Wayne because of a great and hysterical article about his show in Entertainment Weekly. It made the show seem so cheezy and fantastic that we HAD to go! We ended up getting 1/2 price tickets from one of the good brokers around town and planned on having some fun.
What we weren't expecting was our waitress to come to our seats, seats far out of Wayne kissing range, and ask if we wanted to be moved forward. We took the chance immediately, not really knowing what was happening.
What was happening was that the waitress had reserved several seats for her church group and many could not show. So she found a couple of people (us) that looked like they'd like a better view, and we made instant friends with the waitress and her few church-going friends in attendance.
Our new seats were right in the heart of Wayne's kissing range. He makes the rounds through the audience while singing "Caught in a Trap" and he shakes hands, kisses the ladies, and does some schtick. April has not stopped talking about kissing Wayne ever since.
The show is also one of the best experiences you can ever have at a theatre. I won't pretend Wayne has a great voice. He doesn't. his once great voice, is now like listening to a wax cylinder or a much worse singer. However, I can say without any reservation that his SHOW is among the best on Earth.
The man doesn't have to work as hard as he does. he doesn't have to put on a show that has the production and entertainment value of a show three times the ticket price. The man needs not do encores, shake hands, tell jokes, allow folks to take photos during the show, and the like. He does all these things because he's Wayne-fucking-Newton and he is the undisputed KING OF LAS VEGAS! He knows that you came to see the legend and he's not going to disappoint anyone.
 The show, while filled with schmaltz and schtick of all kinds, is a joy to watch. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY left that theatre feeling cheated. Everyone, young and old alike, felt as though they saw the finest show ever to be put on a stage. Wayne got a standing ovation and he was not being humored by anyone. They loved Wayne Newton and the high-energy show he delivered. I tell people that the best way to describe it is that Wayne can't sing anymore the same way the Bob Hope wasn't funny any more. The difference was that Wayne was still the consummate performer and people would respect the legend and still be impressed by the performance. Wayne Newton is a show business legend and there's no way around that. Wayne is ending his contract at the Stardust later this year. No word on whether he's working elsewhere or if he's taking time off to tend to some health issues. It is very possible that the end of a long era of Vegas entertainment will be coming to a close. We're thinking of seeing him one more time. The show will be word-for-word, exactly the same as last time, and we'll be just as happy. If you have the chance, please go see Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton.
NOT Members of the Penguini Posse!
Well, perhaps "members" is not the best choice of words in this case! I was going through some files in the old computer when I came across a few penguin items sent to me some time back by my smart-assed friends. Since they are both amusing and strangely related beyond the penguin theme, I felt compelled to share them with you! I'm not at all surprised that the above photo is of some crazy Canadian. There is no word yet if this is Kim's husband. LOL!  I don't know what to say about this one. I'm quite certain that this is not what the term, "dress to impress" had in mind when it was first uttered. I would have to assume that this is meant for "novelty" wear and not for use under your trousers. Of course, the bulge provided by this thing would be quite impressive if worn as underwear. Hmmm...
See Why I Like Fan Mail?
Since I'm going to Las Vegas tomorrow night I thought I'd share with you a favorite photo I took from a Vegas trip about a year & a half back. Just before this trip Roy Horn had just been mauled by his tiger. I mean within a week or two prior to our arrival it all happened! The town was turned on it's end from the news, as you may imagine. On one of our little excursions, April, her mother, and I all decided to do a little bit of local Las Vegas sight-seeing. Our destination? The Las Vegas Zoo! April and I have every intention of living in Las Vegas sometime in the near future and so we try and get a bit more of the local flavor every time we're out there. The zoo, while charming, is nothing like most zoos in major metropolitan areas. In fact, it seems such an unlikely attraction that when we told our cab driver & bellman we wanted to go to the zoo, they both had to stop and remember if there even WAS a zoo in Las Vegas. The cab driver had an excuse though. He was stoned out of his mind at the time! That stoned cabbie, a guy who would later in the day stop the cab & get out of the car without remembering to take the car out of gear, did have some excellent info to share with us along the way. Just a few short blocks from the zoo was the home of Siegfried & Roy. Being the fools for fun that were, we took a little walk to see the home of Masters of the Impossible, Siegfried & Roy. A quick note about the zoo: WE LOVED IT! It was adorable and full of heart and soul. Days earlier a baby wallaby was born and before we'd even gotten the chance to pay our admission we were greeted by a zookeeper with the baby in a pouch around her waist. Yes, within minutes of our arrival we were petting a baby wallaby and falling in love with the quiet little Las Vegas Zoo! Heading out to the magicians home was indeed fun. We were strolling through residential Las Vegas wondering which house it was. When I noticed down the block a large white home covered in balloons and mylar I figured this had to be the place. Sure enough the location of the master illusionists was revealed to us. Giant gold S & Rs were everywhere. Also were many well-wishers and "pilgrims" to the home, fans of the duo wanting to wish Roy a speedy recovery. A shrine of get well cards , balloons, and the like was lining the outer walls of the compound. Among the letters was an array of hand-written notes from local grade school children. The one I had to take a photo of is represented here. I love the many youthful misspellings & the numerous signs of erasing and self-correcting on behalf of Hannah Ward, the author of the letter. When you look at this little note, can you blame a guy like me for wanting some FREAKIN' FAN PICS EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE? LOL! Actually, I get some very nice e-mails, cards, and letters from folks who have seen my show and I enjoy receiving the comments very much. I'll post a few of them some time soon. Until then, enjoy Hannah's get well wishes for Roy Horn. Transcript: "Dear Mr. Roy, I Rele hop you r gog to git Betr. I Rele lik yor tigrs. I lik yor Magik thrix to. and I wish you can git Betr fastr.
By Hannah Ward"
My spell checker will never forgive me for this one! LOL!
Michael Jackson and the Malicious Bitch
If you haven't read it elsewhere then PLEASE read "The Evolution of a Michael Jackson Joke" at my favorite online magazine, Malicious Bitch. This story, while written some time ago, is as timeless as today's headlines. Or is that timely? In any event, it still applies today. It started as a bit from my stand-up act and turned into an essay. I hope you will enjoy the piece.
Also, now it is too soon to do any sort of "happy dance" just yet on this, but I may be getting some very good news on Tuesday (April's birthday). So not only will it be a good time because I'll be in Las Vegas with my lovely wife on her birthday, but I may get some much needed relief from a very stressful & taxing situation I've talked about. Without jinxing everything I'll not say much about it here, except that I need any Andy Land lovers out there to be thinking good thoughts and sending along the good mojo in the hopes of some good news this Tuesday. Oh, and hope I win some cash and make some good new entertainment contacts in Vegas. I figure why not maximize the mojo! ;)
I Have Too Much Time On My Hands
Hey! I Can See My House from Here!
 And thanks to Google Maps and the NEW satellite feature, so can you!
What you have here is an aerial view of my humble abode. If you'd like to see one of your own location simply go to Google Maps and be sure to click on the satellite feature in the upper right-hand corner of the page. Do a search of your address and enjoy the show.
I found out about this silly feature by reading the Happy Scrappy Blog. I love this blog.
Unlike myself, Jason Feifer is a REAL writer. You know, one who gets paid for his work AND works very hard to find more places to get paid to write (some things I will likely never do). He's got quite a good sense of humor and finds lots of excellent content to post on his site.
I like his presentation and his takes on world issues and I am pretty sure not enough people read his blog. How do I know this? I don't read it often enough and judging by the dearth of comments over there, you don't read it much either.
So go read Happy Scrappy. Keep one writer in business. Oh yeah, go read Marjo's blog too. I haven't mentioned her nearly often enough of late!
I Must Be a GREAT Writer!
My Sex Blogs article has jumped to the number one spot in the most read articles at The Cheers. Been there for quite a few weeks now and I just forgot to mention it to ya.
The reason I think I must be such a darned good writer is that I wrote that piece a LONG time ago AND I'm still the most read author there even though I haven't written a damn new thing for The Cheers in several weeks. WOO-HOO! Too bad I'm essentially done with them. LOL!
If you look hard enough you'll see that my Date Your Daughter essay in also in the top ten. Very cool. Shame I'll never amount to anything as a writer. I might have had a future at this. Oh well. I'll add that to the extremely long list of failures in my life. ;)
In other writing news you may or may not get to read a modestly updated version of The Evolution of a Michael Jackson Joke at Malicious Bitch. No idea when the publishing date is for that one. Otherwise you could read the original version at The Cheers or at e-pauly's site, which was gracious enough to put that one up a short while back.
Hello Penguinis!
It would appear that Hello has decided to let me post photos again. "And there was much rejoicing (YAY)". Now that I'm back in the blogging game I thought I'd share some Penguini photos from around the world. I'd all but forgotten the first member of the now infamous Penguini Posse, Kim from Bacon & Eh's. I'd sent her some Penguinis as a part birthday present and part pick-me-up awhile back and she was the first to post any silly photos of her new friends. I'd shared this before but NOW I'm officially inducting her into the Posse. "And there was much rejoicing (YAY)".
Let's now focus our attention to one of the most prolific members of the Penguini Posse, if not one of the most amusing, Jade. This next pic is a montage of photos she took and posted at the Jaded Sunburns blog. There was a lovely little accompanying story about all the mischief the Penguinis caused, and the joy they brought to a lovely lady who needed some cheering up. 
Jade also was kind enough to send me a link to a fun little penguin game, Poke the Penguin. I'll leave all the beastiality jokes to you perverts and ask that that you poke the penguin as often as you'd like. All I know is that if I had as many penguins invading my refridgerator as Jade has, I'd be poking the hell out of every penguin I could find just to protect my beer! Jade is also in some sort of contest to be the King of all Blogs or some such nonsense. I dunno how any of this works, but I do know that if you click this link and vote for her blog once every three hours or so she'll have something to brag about for years to come. She gets bonus points if you track back to this link, but I have even less knowledge of what the hell that means. I doubt there are any fabulous prizes involved, but click the link anyway. If you pay close attention to the last photo in the above montage, you'll see that the Penguinis seem to have a thing for laundry baskets. I don't know if it has anything to do with the spring-fresh scented fabric softener sheets or the massive quantities of women's underwear found within the baskets. However I do know that it is not a local sensation. Becky, from April Fool also had some sort of issue with Penguinis and her laundry. I can't control these little guys once I've sent them out of the house!  Becky has recently celebrated a birthday. If you haven't sent her a nice card or left a comment on her blog you should do so now.
Speaking of birthdays, I understand that Bud Buckley has turned 26 AGAIN! Be sure to send him some belated birthday wishes. He's not in the Posse yet, but he's a good guy nonetheless. Even without any fan pics or penguin photos, Bud managed to direct me to some very funny April Fool's Day penguin news. Check it out! A birthday celebrant that IS in the posse is the very witty Golfwidow. I've no Penguini photos to share with you but since she adopted andylander the official Andy Land mascot on my behalf, she need not send anything at all. That being said she did send me a lovely penguin screen saver the other day. I'd been to the Little Penguin wines site a few times and I've enjoyed many of the fun games, and all of their wines. Thanks, Golfwidow! It is always fun to find other people out there that enjoy penguins as much as I do! Doyle was kind enough to make mention of me and my blog in a rather bizarre little...uh...western tale, found at his Corporate Crap blog. No penguinis news to report here. Just a thanks for the plug.
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Really, how can you resist a snail in the first place. They make great pets. They're fun to watch. They're hysterical around a salt shaker. Snails ROCK!
Given that there was so little snow that winter it would follow that it was fairly warm most of the time. That being said, it should come as no surprise that the snow dog melted into oblivion about one hour later. The snowman, however stood proud in the face of adversity. He lasted on the window ledge for about a week or two.
Eventually the snowman looked rather like a victim of some horrible crime. If not a vicious murder then certainly the snowman was a vampire and some vigilante mob brought him to his end. Regardless I had to have even more fun with my little snowman while I had the chance.
