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Friday, February 18, 2005

Good Times, Bad Times

The other day I was having such a good day. I found out that The Chicago Tribune may be doing a story about me, which is ALWAYS cool. I got a few new bookings. I saw many cool animals at the zoo and at the show. I saw nekkid ladies at my favorite strip club.

So WHY did I have to get the news that the IRS has decided to audit me AGAIN?! This time for 2003. Same thing as LAST YEAR, they are curious about my business expenses. I prepared the darned thing based on the results and specifications of the 2002 audit for fuck's sake! Why are they after me? The honest guy that makes pennies doing a job I love? Next year I'm going to state my occupation as "C.E.O. of Enron Corp." That should get them to leave me alone. ;)

My accountant & I are hoping that we can go to them and get the whole thing dropped since they put me through the ringer once already, very recently! Supposedly these are BOTH "random audits", but I find it a little suspicious that my name would pop up randomly two years in a row. Maybe I should get a lottery ticket. Seems like random occurrences are in my favor! Ah well.

My big problem with these things is not that I have anything to hide or have fear of being caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I'm a good and careful tax payer and I do my best to get everything in order and fill out everything honestly. I have the BEST accountant and he always makes everything pretty and care-free. So that's not an issue.

No, what I don't like is how they make you feel as though you did something wrong. There's such an awful stigma and insinuation that comes from them when you go in for your review. They make you feel awful and like a criminal. Having TWO audits in as many years, especially when you spend as much as I have to to make as little as I do, just implies I'm some sort of criminal mastermind! Like I'd be in Duluth, MN or Athol, Idaho if I didn't HAVE to go. Nice places, both...but really!

Today I get to see most of my family at the show and that's nice. I have to go in early and do a special performance for the Mayor of Duluth. There is other news...

Today I received my Absolute Write Newsletter and what do ya know? I am in there! Check it out!

Please send me some good mojo and try to cheer me up. I'm a bit down because of all the "other stuff" and when I get depressed, things get very scary for all the people that know me!


Blogger BTude a.k.a. GlassHoppah said...

Viva la' Mojo and an oh mercy my!

Damn dude, I can't even articulate a "that sucks" in true bitch style--so here... THAT SUCKS!

Congrats again on the Absolute Write article and enjoy your show today!!!

We expect allll the details upon your escape from Duluth! :)

PS hang in there!

11:46 AM

Blogger D Brooks said...

Having traveled around a lot, for me "There's no place like home." Being away from home and getting notice of an audit is the pits.

I would ask them this year what the heck you're doing (or NOT doing) that may be triggering an audit. They probably have some complex formula they paid some PhD for depending on the number of boxes you checked, or the number of letters in your name... OR... "all entertainers whose names are Andy."

You're not Al Capone, so don't get too scared about it. Unless you've got bodies buried in the basement and a hidden vault full of stolen gold, the most they will do is have you pay some interest on what they think is the correct amount. ON what you make, how much could that be, lol?


11:57 AM

Blogger D Brooks said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:59 AM

Blogger Bud said...

That sucks the big one, Andy. It happened to me twice too. I guess they red flagged your ass. But maybe it's their way of keeping you on edge so you don't slip up in the future. Not that you did slip up. Put that shit out of your head and focus on the good stuff. Don't let those IRS assholes foul your air with their carnivorous flatulance. But I agree with d, ask them what it is about your return that is red flagged. Then avoid it next year.

4:19 AM

Blogger Gale said...

What a bunch of crap, eh? You should tell 'em that. Or better yet, you should tell them that I said that. Tell them that VegasBaby thinks they're a bunch of pencil-dicks who should be out there chasing the people that are cheating and leave you the CRAP alone! And then tell 'em that the last time I took a crap it smelled better than THEIR freakin' breath! Then offer them a breath mint courtesy of moi.

I know, I know, you couldn't do that. But it sure would be fun, wouldn't it? ;)

Cheer up and rock your shows out, dude!

9:53 AM

Blogger homercat said...

Asshats all of them.

1:25 AM

Blogger marjo moore said...

Is it the career thing? I mean, as I understand it, it could be you're a free agent @ work- mebbe they're more careful with those guys.

Or, I've also heard that it's completely random. So what are the chances you'd get picked again?

Are ya working up a connection w/ Jenna Glatzer? That's big, man. Congratulations!!

7:01 AM

Blogger Handy Randy said...

So sorry to hear the bad news. It couldn't happen to a nicer used tampon eater than you Martello. I hope this audit is just as agonizing as it can be and I would also like to hear about all the personal anguish you suffer. I get my jollies from things of that nature...

7:43 AM


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