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Friday, December 31, 2004

Hehehe...Spock Monkey!

A Vulcan monkey made from a sock is highly illogical.Yes, that's right! My first post of 2005 is so utterly stupid and useless even I am amazed at myself!

This "genius" thing can take a toll on you.

Let's see the guys at SciFiDaily top THIS!

Once again, Happy New Year!

LOOK! Booby's! Everywhere! Even at E-Pauly!

Boy I've blogged like a freak today. I COULD have cleaned my house, organized my contracts and receipts from 2004, or created some more press kits and the like. But NOOOOO! I went out of my way to write things for you to read.

I'm not into resolutions and all that, but I think one of my goals in 2005 will have to be to schedule less time in my day for online nonsense and more time on things that PAY ME SOME MONEY!

I am loving the writing thing. But I must get off my ass and make some serious efforts to get paid for these chunks of genius I spew out week after week. Aside from that I really have to make sure not to neglect the gal that brung me and stay on top of my entertainment promotion. I can't have another weak holiday season followed by a very scant month of bookings. That was fine when I was younger and lived on floor crumbs. But these days I've got bills, dammit!

That being said, let me direct your attention to the very entertaining Paul has given my story of The Christmas Miracle a few more days of life by reposting it on his blog. So if you haven't seen it at The Cheers you can see it there.

I have to wonder if anyone who works at Booby's will ever notice the piece. I'm sure somebody there is online and does the occasional bit of ego-surfing. Maybe I should print it up and send it to them. It might get me a free steak sandwich!

We're about 50 minutes away from 2005 here. So far I've watched a few episodes of Penn & Teller: BULLSHIT! and had a few tasty beverages. April has already gone to sleep. She's been working so damned hard at Marche Noir that even the prospect of watching drunken morons on TV celebrating the passing of one single second in time seemed to much for her. Ah well.

I'm sure you've heard it many times already, but Happy New Year! Thanks so much for all the support. Now somebody book me for a show already!

The Hate Mail Will Arrive Shortly

Does it make much sense for an insensitive asshole like me to be writing for a magazine called Malicious Bitch? I didn't think so either. But the whole "she-bang" is run by Mr. Doyle Brooks and if everyone is fine with a dude being the supreme overlord of a bunch of bitches then it seems like a great place for me to unleash my own brand of lunacy! Besides, he probably took the job to be surrounded by chicks anyways. The ladies clearly run the roost there. ;)

I'm honored they asked me to become a regular contributor. Look for my work to be found in my own section of The Male Perspective section of the Malicious Bitch magazine. Look for me to start getting death threats, hate mail, and the obligatory stalker or two very soon.

If you like the magazine don't forget to register for membership and maybe even donate a buck or two to keep the place up and running. Of course you can just be a Cheap Bitch and join for free, but even that isn't necessary to read.


Today, on the last day of 2004,"Sex Blogs - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly" was unseated as the most-read article at The Cheers. It is a sad day indeed.

I can't say that I'm all that upset. I wish the article wasn't topped by an article titled, "Hot News: Naked Burning Shemale Flew Out the Window" but that's mostly because A) I didn't write it B) That article has nothing to do with a naked burning shemale flying out of a window C) My piece would be at nearly 20,000 reads by now had The Cheers not taken another crap and stayed away for over 3 weeks recently. I was about to crest the 16,000 mark before the crash. Oh well. No biggie.

I am just a bit surprised that more haven't read "Booby's: The Christmas Miracle" this week. I've tried getting some of the other link services to pick it up but I guess it is not to be. Once again, oh well. It's not like I'm losing money if it isn't being read. I just wish they'd incorporate a list of all-time most read articles AND a list of most read this week. I'd like to get an idea just who is reading what.

I'm actually kinda glad Sex Blogs is on the way out. It was never my favorite piece and I'm still in a dither over how Missy Mae misinterpreted the article, got depressed, never even mentioned the piece in her blog, etc.

More blogging fun later. I have to do dishes and clean the bathroom now. Nothing but excitement here in Andy Land!

New Friends, New Partners, New Magazine - New Year!

I was toying with the idea of posting a big list of cool things that happened in 2004. I'd discuss some of the good and bad and rattle off some of my favorite things and events. But you'll be so bogged down with that stuff today and tomorrow just by watching the news I figured I'd save it for later.

So today I'd like to mention a few new link partners and the like. Not the least of which, Blog Universe & BlogHop. These are both blog referral services and search engines. I know I don't REALLY have to add their links and buttons to my site jut to get traffic, but I do. It helps me get a little more fluent with the HTML crap and it does make it look like I'm working hard to increase my web presence. I like BlogHop a lot though because it takes my blog into the realm of being critiqued by the many anonymous asshole in the internet(s). Yes, I've subjected myself to the critique of total strangers by using BlogHop and their "Rate Me on" program.


Presumably, higher rated blogs will gather more attention from readers. As far as I'm concerned it is just more silly online time-wasting for the viewer and that's fine with me. I've already received a few ratings from folks and I can tell that they've rated this blog as "The Best!" I've also been able to determine that a few ratings have me as "The Worst!" A little snooping around at Statcounter actually helps me figure out WHO rated the blog at what time and how they rated me. Needless to say, the folks who think the blog sucks were here for about 5 seconds and likely clicked the worst rating because there were no naked titties or cumshots here. Believe me, I want more of those things here too. But at least read a few things before casting me aside! ZEESH!

Anyway, please click the ratings buttons on the BlogHop link and rate my blog. Click the hell out of them if you'd like. Click them as if there were no tomorrow. And when you do, please remember that the little green button with the smiley face means, "The Best!" I'll make it even easier for you to provide an OBJECTIVE review of my blog by showing you which icon means I'm the best! Just click this little guy! the best

See? No need for confusion now!

I've also recently added a few new folks to my list of blog friends. Please check out Ian's blogs, Cardinal Sin 2067 and GunStar141 for many interesting links, photos, naughty stuff, and MORE! You should also head over to Corporate Crap for some most excellent essays on all things ridiculous in the corporate world. Doyle is a very good writer and is the head honcho (or one of them) at Malicious Bitch. My good friend Marjo Moore write a nice piece about him in this week's issue of The Cheers.

And speaking of Malicious Bitch, it is official! I will be one of the many fine authors to have some work published in their fine magazine. I've no idea which story they'll be using first, but rest assured I'll let you know all about it when I find out. They have very good readership over there and I'm very excited to be able to share my writing with a larger audience.

Well, kids that's about all for now. I've got to buy some food and tasty goodies for tonight. My New Year's gig fell through a few weeks ago and I'm actually HOME on New Year's Eve this year. So April & I will be enjoying movies, food & drinks in what we call, The Floor Picnic. Tomorrow my sister-in-law, Samantha (A BABE!) will be here to waste away the first day of 2005. Should be fun!

Happy New Year to you all!

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

This Photo is for My Mother-in Law!

I think I'm moving to Canada!  The Ckicks are HOTTT!!!
OK it is also for me for two very obvious reasons!

However, my mother-in law, Sue, does love Todd and the whole "Boys are Stupid, Boys are Smelly, Throw Something Painful at Them" product line from David & Goliath and it seemed appropriate that I post this photo.

In fact my wife gave her a LIFE-SIZED stuffed Todd doll for Christmas this year. The family also chipped in and got her a computer & printer for her home.

Sue is a regular reader of my blog, but she usually reads from her work computer. I assume she now has some sort of home internet(s) connection and is giggling like a little school girl at this very moment!

Thanks to Paul from for posting MANY fine photos of scantily clad and well-endowed women at his blog! Without him I'd have missed this entirely and my mother-in-law would be living a giggle-free existence!

3 Packages, 260 Post Cards, & 1 Envelope Filled with Hope

I just got back from the Post Office (UGH!) where I mailed a whole lot of stuff. Not the least of which were 260 promotional post cards to agencies, park districts, and chambers of commerce in the hopes it will generate some work in the coming year. Gotta love marketing!

I must say that ever since my local Hallmark store started taking on basic mailing services it has made much of my life easier. We have the 3rd largest Post Office east of the Rocky Mountains and naturally they ALWAYS have a line of people streaming out the building. It seems that all the postage increases don't justify hiring even ONE additional person at the counter.

They've been really pushing this new automated postage center in the lobby. It is actually very cool. Touch screen technology integrated with all the confusion and incompetence of a big government agency. I'd use this to save time since it does do just about ALL the things I need from my counter clerk. Weighing, pricing, stamps, delivery confirmations, and so on. But there's one little problem with this convenient time saver.


Really now, If I can go to any parking garage in the city and use cash to pay for my spot, I SHOULD be able to pay in cash for postage at the Post Office! I know I could just get a debit card but I don't like having them. I'm already OVERUSING my credit cards as it is and I don't want to pay fucking interest on a .37ยข stamp!

What's worse, this Post Office had two vending machines before. One that sucked ass and only has books of stamps in a few amounts and one killer machine that had EVERYTHING. This post office took out the good machine and replaced it with the credit card only machine alongside the craptacular machine!

I suppose I shouldn't expect much from the Post Office. This is, after all, the same group that took over 100 years to create the self-adhesive stamp.

Best Show EVER!  Pandering, Anyone?Anyway, aside from a few late Christmas packages to friends and family I sent out my above-mentioned envelope filled with hope. I finally got the nerve to send out 10 past essays to This American Life. Being read and heard on this prestigious program could really make a HUGE positive impact on my future writing career. I've been told by MANY faithful listeners of the program (and fans of my work) that I would be PERFECT for this show. So I finally decided to put it to the test.

Of course, I believe I have less than a hamster's chance in the Gere household, but it is something to shoot for. Feel free to send them "You've gotta read this guy's work" e-mails if ya want. I'll keep you posted. It could be months before I hear anything. This show did wonders for David Sedaris so maybe it could do something good for yours truly.

Monday, December 27, 2004

BOOBY'S on Display at The Cheers!

This Joke Never Gets Old

Yes, indeed BOOBY'S can be found at The Cheers this week. Based upon the kind responses from readers here I expanded my tale of "The Christmas Miracle" and made it this week's column. In "Booby's: The Christmas Miracle" I discuss some other Christmas traditions in this Martello's household and give a full explanation as to why the Booby's steak sandwich is so damned good! It is a fun read for all!

While we're on the subject of The Cheers I'd like to point out an excellent article by my good friend Marjo Moore. She's written an interview/expose' on the man making things happen at another fine internet(s) read, Malicious Bitch. I'm not just plugging this column because I plan on submitting some work to the magazine this week. I'm mentioning it because it is a well-written article and you may miss it if I don't say anything. I'm sure Marjo will write about it in her blog, but a little extra help is always good!

Speaking of a little extra help, BIG THANKS go out to Naomi the UberBitch and to Blogywood for also touting the virtues of my current Cheers article! They're already bringing some much needed attention to the story and this blog and I want to thank them for their efforts!

When I noticed the link at Blogywood I found a nifty little banner button advertising The Cheers. I just had to have it on this site. Check it out!

LOOK!  It's ME!

Sunday, December 26, 2004

I Forgot!!! It's Boxing Day in Canada!

So everyone, please remember to punch out a Canadian today!

If that doesn't seem like the right thing to do, just visit my Canadian friends,

And WHO Could Forget...

Boxing Day, eh?  Nah.  Too easy a joke!

Blah, Blah, Blah
And please click the ever-living shit out of this button.
It will drive my blog rankings, increase traffic, blah, blah fucking blah.

Happy whatever the fuck holiday you're celebrating this month.
And may SOMEONE bless us, everyone!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

The BIG Present, My Wife's Kitty, and "Loose Shoes"

One HELLUVA Present! Merry Christmas to you ALL! Thanks for all the nice comments and e-mails I received about my "Christmas Miracle" story. I'm thinking I'll have to add a few more details and expand the piece for The Cheers after hearing how the stupid little story affected some of you.

A couple of days ago I mentioned that my wife had been planning on getting me a BIG gift and that I was sad because I couldn't bring on "the goods" for her this year. Well she did in fact give me one helluva great present! This one is so good, the fine folks at
SciFiDaily just might stand up and salute. OK, maybe Shatner. But they will be impressed!

This photo is of the big gift. To folks who are not into science fiction shows or collectibles and such this will mean nothing to you. Please feel free to read on past all this nonsense. Mind you, I'm not a major science fiction person, but I used to be WAY into Doctor Who. I'm still a fan, but I really don't go all out for the shows and the memorabilia anymore. That being said, I was absolutely BLOWN AWAY when I opened up this VERY RARE treasure.

What you are looking at is a poster from the 1984 Chicago Doctor Who convention, TARDIS 21. While there are still a few of these original posters available, none is quite as special as this one. This one has been signed by no fewer than SEVENTEEN cast members, writers, and other members of the Doctor Whoniverse. I'll list them for the geek fan-boys out there.

In attendance at the convention and represented in signature were...

Doctors Who #2, 3, 5, & 6
Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Peter Davison & Colin Baker

Companions, Sarah Jane, Tegan, Peri, Turlough, & BOTH Ramonas
Elisabeth Sladen, Janet Fielding, Nicola Bryant, Mark Strickson, Mary Tamm & Lalla Ward

U.N.I.T. Personnel, The Brigadier, Capt.. Mike Yates, Sgt.. Benton, & Harry Sullivan
Nicholas Courtney, Richard Franklin, John Levene, Ian Marter

Arch Villain, The Master!
Anthony Ainley

Executive Producer & Director
John Nathan-Turner

Noted Author & Script Writer
Terrance Dicks

I'd seen this poster at the Doctor Who Store when we stumbled upon the place last year sometime. Quite honestly I was in awe of the thing and since there was no price tag to be found it was generally assumed that this was a show piece and not for sale. We briefly discussed the thing with the owner but never got any inkling that it was available for purchase. We thought it was there to show the world just how damn cool the store was. Hell, it made me buy stuff. LOL!

Anyway, April found out it was in fact for sale earlier this year when buying me another cool gift for my birthday and started putting cash down on layaway so I could have it by Christmas. We'd even been in the store a few weeks back and she had to pretend that she hadn't been in the place in about as long a time as I, just so I wouldn't catch on.

Needless to say, this is an amazing present! It really brings me back to my younger days and it makes me feel good just looking at the thing. I remember when this convention was going on and wishing I could go to the darned thing. The Chicago convention is probably the biggest in the world and that year in particular was unusually special because of the above listed guests. What a fine gift! She likely spent WAY too much, but I probably spent too much on her. April is a great gal and I'll never deserve her.

Speaking of April, while I'd rather post a photo of her that shows off her most AMAZING beauty and...uh...assets, I thought I'd post a photo of her happily tormenting her cat, Phil. The glamour shots that show off da bod will have to come later!

Phil is an unusual beast. I cannot ever claim to love this cat but he does amuse me. He is not a cat that plays much but upon occasion he'll get all kitten-crazy with us. He does some very cool things that endear him to me. He never begs for food unless you are eating deli meat. He enjoys my cigars and will sit on my lap while I'm smoking. He has a private litter box under the cabinet in the bathroom and opens the door himself when nature calls. He even opens his own Christmas presents which are catnip toys wrapped in holiday paper. He does some awful things too, but I won't talk of them now. Posting this photo is punishment enough for his sins.

I stroke it every chance I get, it's my girl's pussy!
April has never been much of a dress-your-pet person. But we have had our fun at Phil's expense from time to time (often at Christmas). This year, while buying the catnip toys, she found some ridiculous reindeer antlers for cats. No they did not stay on the cat for long. Yes it was hysterical to watch him wearing them. Phil was kind enough to smile for the camera. That is one other little thing I like about Phil; he will look at the camera ANYTIME you're in a snapshot mood. Sorry, Phil.

Lastly, I need to tell you about a film we just finished watching, "Loose Shoes". I'm sure this film is known to folks with even more time on their hand than myself but I'll tell you a little bit about it anyway.

One FUNNY-ASS FILM! It was made back in 1977 and released in 1980. It is a series of comedy parodies of movie previews and it is reminiscent of other flicks like "Kentucky Fried Movie" and "Amazon Women on the Moon". While some bits are just plain stupid, many are quite hysterical. Among the "unknowns" who are in the film, Bill Murray, Howard Hessman, Harry Shearer, and some very small appearances by John Candy, Betty Thomas (nekkid!) and Ed Lauter, among others.

I'll get more into the nuts and bolts of this flick later. It is getting late and I SHOULD get some sleep. For now let me say that finding this comedic gem on DVD for the low, low price of FOUR DOLLARS topped off a most excellent Christmas Day!

Friday, December 24, 2004

The Site of The Christmas Miracle: Booby's in Niles, IL

BEHOLD!I just returned from what has become a long-standing holiday tradition for me and my younger brother, Matt. For MANY years now we head on over to Booby's Charcoal Rib at 8161 N. Milwaukee in Niles for the single greatest steak sandwich money can buy.

I know it may sound strange to refer to the eating of a steak sandwich as "The Christmas Miracle" or to even bestow so much importance on something as silly as a steak sandwich but if you have ever had one of these glorious culinary creations you'd understand. As for the miracle, allow me to explain.

MANY years ago, my good friend John Severtsen introduced me to this suburban Chicago institution. We often went to baseball games together and then went to classic Chicago eateries. Chicago has some of the best food anywhere and we were and still are well-versed in all the best places to eat. I'd never heard of Booby's even though I lived very close to the place and I had certainly never heard of their AMAZING skirt steak sandwich. I thank God John was there to lead me in the right direction.

These sandwiches are just outstanding. To adapt a line from Twin Peaks, if there be steak sandwiches in Heaven, Booby's is standing next to God. They are THAT GOOD! I'd visited the place many times with John and eventually with other friends, and of course, select family members. In the maybe hundreds of times I've been there over the years I've never ordered anything else from their extensive menu. Why fuck with perfection?

By the time I'd introduced Matt to Booby's he'd been long gone from the Chicago scene. College may make you smarter and more appealing in the marketplace, but it can take you away from the finer things in life. Upon every visit Matt would want to make a pilgrimage to Booby's. I never questioned the desire to go. I'd want to make the same trip whenever I saw my friend John.

Until one day, horror struck!

John and I had just come from a Cubs game and I suggested a trip to our steak sandwich joint. He looked at me with shocked sadness and said, "Oh no. Haven't you heard?" I'd no idea what he was talking about. Rather than tell me what happened, he simply drove me past the Booby's lot.

There were the charred remains of the restaurant and the famous Booby's sign. Some time back the place burned to the ground when some kitchen mishap occurred after hours. Booby's was gone and there were no known plans for rebuilding. I was devastated.

That same year when Matt came for his annual Christmas visit I had to tell him the horrible news. We didn't go anywhere NEAR that block in Niles for a good long time in order to prevent getting too depressed. For us, losing Booby's was akin to baseball losing Babe Ruth. Booby's was such a favorite mainstay in our lives.

One Christmas, Matt asked if we could drive by the site and pay our respects. The shock and pain surrounding the loss of the finest steak sandwich in the world had subsided just enough to make a visit to the site possible. I put off the visit because I knew he'd just be upset at the site of a vacant lot. However, we did make the trip.

As we approached I braced him for the harsh reality. The sign was still standing and we drew closer to the hallowed ground. Suddenly we noticed that the sign was...ON! It was lit up and shining like a beacon of goodness & hope in the distance. We approached the site expecting to find rubble and ash but were astounded and overjoyed to see a shiny NEW building instead!

Could it be? Was there REALLY a new Booby's? Did Booby's rise from the ashes? It certainly seemed so, but there was trepidation. After all, who could say if the same owners were there? What if it weren't even the same thing at all? We withheld our excitement and ventured inside.

Sure enough, the owners rebuilt and the same staff was working there. The menu was the same as was the quality. All that was different were the surroundings. We asked if they still served the steak sandwich and the counter clerk smiled and said, "Why do you think we reopened? People were bugging us for the sandwiches!"

Elated, we hugged each other and shouted out, "MY GOD! It's a Christmas Miracle!!!" The clerk seemed amazed we'd not known about the new place. We told her that driving by and seeing the vacant lot was too painful to watch and figured it would never be back. She laughed, told us that "we're here and we've been waiting for you," and then she took our order. She even told us a few stories about other people having similar reactions to ours. Booby's was back and the steak sandwiches were better than ever!

THESE sandwiches were & are a gift from God! God plucked Booby's from the fiery pits of Hell and bestowed unto us the gift of twice-tenderized, flame-grilled & barbecued skirt steak sandwiches on French bread. As far as anyone around here is concerned, the rebirth of Booby's was and always will be The Christmas Miracle!

Can't Sleep. Bad Stomach!!!

I WAS sleeping like a baby up until about 1:30 AM. Suddenly, from out of nowhere came cramping in my stomach and a fiery need to wake my tired old ass up and head to the doniker (circus term for bathroom).

I've been waking up every 1/2 hour ever since. So I thought I'd just waste some time online and try to either wait out my stomach's need to purge itself of the evil or simply tire myself out and go back to sleep.

I should mention I have a new link partner in Andy Land. The Goose has done a link exchange with me and therefore deserves to have you check out his blog every so often and see why the internet(s) are so perfect for folks with too much time on their hands. There's always something of interest found by The Goose!

E-pauly is running my current Santa article, "Robbery Suspect: Old Fat Man in a Red Suit" simultaneously alongside The Cheers this week. Paul has always been a big supporter of my work and I can't thank him enough for continuing to bring attention to my writing. Please check him out.

Christmas is just a day away. This has been an unusual December for me because I'm generally much busier with gigs than I've been this year. So that has made holiday shopping extremely difficult. I really don't know what I'll do around rent time, but I'll worry about that when it comes. My family knows that sometimes Christmas comes late from old Andy, but it is still difficult to not be able to get people the gifts I really want to give. I'm usually a GREAT gift-giver too. This year is rather unimpressive as far as Andy gifts go.

What's worse is that my lovely wife has been so damned excited about this kick-ass gift she got me that I feel extremely guilty for not being able to bring on the goods for her this year. For the first time EVER in our relationship, she knows exactly what she's getting from me. There are many packages for her, but no surprises. I had to wait for the money to buy the items and our schedules were such that they pretty much all had to be bought in her presence.

I know that she really doesn't care what I get her and that she just likes having things to open and all that, but it still makes me feel like a loser! Couple that with the fact that I don't deserve this lady to begin with and you've got an unusually humbling Christmas indeed! Ah well, at lest I KNOW she'll like her presents this year.

HEY! Thanks for reading yesterday's post and for commenting! That was certainly a refreshing change to see a few folks chiming in here. Gives a guy hope. Of course I kind of hedged my bets a bit by adding the photo of Naomi. Breasts always sell, especially online! You should see my wife's store. ALL the girls that work there are beautiful curvy babes! It is something to behold! Anyway, if I ever get permission from April to add a few good pics of her to the blog I'm SURE there will be an increase in reader's comments!

OK, I think my stomach has settled down enough for me to try and sleep through the night. I hope you all have a great Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. Unless you're Jewish. Then I hope you have a great Chinese buffet on the 25th.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I've Got to Be "Seen" More Often.

I've been submitting my Cheers articles to various news sites and link services. Dave's Daily & the like. Sometimes my links get approved and my articles get read by thousands of people. Other times they go relatively unnoticed entirely.

Maybe I should get some of my web friends to "notice" my current articles and post about them. Wonder what I gotta do to make this sort of thing happen. Does it involve lube? Scary.

In theory, if someone with high traffic posts about the current article and traffic improves at The Cheers and eventually at this blog I can build my audience and maybe one day make a living as a writer. There may come a day when setting my face on fire for money seems like a BAD idea. I know, strange thought.

It is not that I'm all that proud of my current piece in The Cheers. I'm actually more proud of my past works. But I need to build an audience, get folks interested in the prospect of reading an Andy Martello book, get up the courage to submit to bigger & better places, etc.

Hmmm... Attu? Blogywood?? LinkDump??? TTR2????

I Noticed THEM - Uh, I mean YOU!Hell, if I could get the Uber Bitch to notice even one of my articles befitting her audience, say...the Prom story, I know I'd see a huge surge in traffic. Of course, Naomi can give just about anyone a huge surge!

Who do I gotta screw to get noticed around here? LOL!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Here We Go Again! New Issue of The Cheers.

Ho, Ho, Fucking, HO!
Let's pretend that we are a magazine that is genuinely interested in gathering readers and more importantly, KEEPING the readers we get. I think that's the goal over there at The Cheers anyway. I know that we've had our troubles with servers and the like, but I'm told that THIS time the magazine will in fact be up and running for some good length of time. Let's hope so because I'm beginning to lose interest otherwise.

That being said I expanded my additional thoughts about playing Santa and turned them into a new submission for The Cheers. I cleaned up the article a bit, added a few photos, and made it a more palatable read for everyone. Feel free to head on over and check it out this week. It is, after all, "just in time for the holidays!"

Read "Robbery Suspect: Old Fat Man in a Red Suit" HERE!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

I'm A GENIUS! I've Got Proof!

Check it out, folks! Yours truly is recognized by a qualified professional in the field as a genius and a talented writer! I wouldn't make this shit up! OK, I would, but in this instance I'm telling the truth.

Sure the person touting my greatness is my good friend and cohort from The Cheers, Marjo Moore, but someday she'll be way more famous a writer than I can ever hope to be and her accolades will look GREAT on a dust jacket! She's already been in more respectable publications than I and she has even gotten PAID for her fine work! Near as I figure, her glowing review is more than enough reason for me to hold my head up high today.

She has also been passing on her favorable reviews to her friends at the Malicious Bitch website. I am hopeful that I will have a few good pieces for you to read within their virtual pages some day soon.

If you haven't been reading Marjo's blog, then please do so. It is well worth your time. Moreover, if you have not been reading any of her fine articles at The Cheers or elsewhere, you owe it to yourself to page through her work. Thanks Marjo!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Why Haven't We Stolen this Holiday?

I just got back from an event that was not only FILLED with gorgeous exotic women, but it was also among the coolest ideas for a celebration ever.

Of course I didn't get the name of the holiday and if I did I am confident I'd be wholly unable to pronounce it properly. But the event is an annual Persian celebration where people party simply because tonight is the longest night of the year.

As I stated earlier I was more than happy to work the event since it was the 3-D House of Exotic Women in there, but to find out that such a cool excuse for a party even existed was something extra special. Near as I see it, if you are going to "party all night" why not party on the longest night of the year? It is a brilliant reason to get dressed up (and these folks were lookin' GOOD!) and stay out, drink, eat & celebrate.

Why haven't we Americans managed to claim this holiday and turn it into a major drinking holiday? I know we don't need any extra holidays in December but really, now! This is a holiday just BEGGING to be exploited! I wonder who I have to talk to in order to market this?

Friday, December 17, 2004

More Holiday FUN!!!

I Just LOVE Subversive Christmas Humor!
I'm sure this Photoshop creation is extremely old by internet(s) standards, but it makes me laugh my ass off every time I see it. It really makes a cynical old bastard like me stand up and take notice. Christmas is one funny time if you play your cards right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, peace on Earth, good will towards men, blah-blah-blah. But that's damn funny!

Check out Christmas, Christmas!
I'm hoping to get some time this year to compile a CD of my favorite oddball Christmas tunes. There have been some good CDs over the years that features less than classic holiday songs. Punk Rock Christmas comes to mind, but that may be because it features a Christmas version of "Louie Louie".

The Great & Powerful Dr. Demento has always had a plethora of holiday songs for me to enjoy, but I'm not looking just for demented tracks. There are just some songs that RARELY get played and I'm all for having my own little compilation at the ready. Here are some examples.
  • Spinal Tap: "Christmas with the Devil"
  • AC/DC: "Mistress for Christmas"
  • Nerf Herder: "I've Got a Boner for Christmas"
  • Whirling Dervishes: "Mr. Grinch"
One day I'll get my ultimate Christmas CD completed. I'm sure I'll let you know what's on the darned thing.

So what are your favorite not-so-traditional Christmas songs?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

E-Pauly's Bender Results in Another Tale from Andy Land!

Read More at has chosen to reprint one of my "men & women are different, aren't they" rants, "You Gonna Eat That?"

Originally published in The Cheers, this was actually inspired by a segment from my comedy act. I expanded the idea into a long-form essay for The Cheers. It answers a few questions that women have about us stupid men.

Paul was on something of a holiday bender for a bit and neglected his blog. Somewhere during his drunken days he saw a correlation between his antics and my essay. Alcohol makes people do strange things!

Head on over to Paul's site and enjoy!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Many Thanks to!

Well that package I mentioned yesterday was indeed our shirts from the fine folks at Both April & I wore our shirts with pride!

Our day off together where we accomplished some holiday shopping was interrupted several times by people wondering where we got those way cool shirts. I know, you think I'm shilling. I don't blame you. I've been shilling for some time now. But this is completely honest. Many folks were laughing out loud and I had to write down the web address for the Fu-Qtoo boys a few times today.

I'll be sure to post some pictures of how damn cool we look later in the week. Until then, thanks for the great shirts. Now sell your asses off and get me a commission for every rooster shirt!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I've Got a Package Waiting for Me!

Mr. Postman dropped off a package for me while I was gone and it is waiting at my rental office. I am hoping that it is a little delivery from the good folks at If I am right both me and my wife will be sporting some very classy t-shirts indeed!

You can probably assume that my shirt will likely be...oh, I don't know...THE ROOSTER WITH TOURETTE'S SHIRT!

You Can Own a Chunk of MY BRAIN By Buying this Shirt!

I see that quite a few folks have headed on over to to view their fine selection of subversive clothing, but nary a one has purchased as of yet. Well people, you'd better get off yer duffs because the holidays are almost gone! I need the little bit of money that my link provides to get me some health insurance or psychotherapy or something equally useless! So go buy something or I will surely be lost!

Maybe you should take a better look at the shirt my wife will be receiving at her request.

Indeed. Your Kung-Fu DOES Suck Ass!

How can you possibly resist these fine examples of T-shirt goodness? April's Kung-Fu shirt will be a sexy little baby tee and you'll be DYING to have one of your own when I post a picture of how good she looks in hers! Why not visit right now?!

Broad Shoulders Not IncludedAnd Your Breath Could Use IMPROVEMENT!!!Buy This Shirt Or We'll Shoot This Blog!Don't Make Me Come Over There!Don't You Get It?  It's a Rooster with Tourette's!Everybody was Kung-Fu Wearing!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled porn downloading!

Monday, December 13, 2004

A SUBTLE Holiday Shopping Reminder

Perfect for the Roster Who Has Everything...Including Tourette Syndrome!

Seriously, You Know You Want This Shirt!

Proceeds From the Sale of This Shirt Will Go DIRECTLY to Me!

What?  Do YOU Have Your Own T-Shirt Company or Something?

I said it would be SUBTLE!

Available at

The Cheers is Back, But Who Gives a Rat's Ass? Marjo Moore has a BLOG!!!

Once again I find myself asking the question, "Why wasn't I informed of this?" My good friend and cohort from The Cheers, Marjo Moore, has recently started her own blog. She's one hell of a great writer and probably has more of a chance at ever succeeding at this writing thing then I. She's also my biggest "fan" and supporter of my work so why the hell shouldn't I tell all of you blog monkeys to go and check out her fine work?

Go view Marjo Moore's blog. I think you'll find that she's intelligent, thought-provoking, funny, and quite possibly a righteous babe. Of course I have no idea what she looks like. She's afraid that I'll start stalking her or something. I do know she writes very well and you'd do yourself a big favor by making her a regular stop when surfing the internet(s).

On to news about The Cheers. I'd love to be all happy posting about the grand return of The Cheers to the internet(s), but I've heard this song so many times before it has no meaning anymore. We've lost many days worth of stats and I've no idea how many people have read my past works anymore. I'm not sure how long this incarnation of the magazine will stay up. I just can't promote this thing without some assurances that it will BE THERE for you to read.

Seems like every time we hit a good stride and gain more readers the site goes away and that really doesn't help any of us. I WAS getting more and more visitors to this blog because of the growing traffic at The Cheers but that all stopped. Ultimately I think my tenure at The Cheers will be coming to a close very soon. I need to concentrate on more lucrative ventures and maybe make some money as a writer. It is nice to be a supporter of the underdog and all that, but it is getting a bit frustrating. I told myself that I'd spend a full year helping grow and develop The Cheers and that year will be up in March 2005. We'll see if I make it that far.

For now, the magazine is back and available to all. I have a few articles in there for your viewing pleasure. Go find them yourselves. I'm going to read Marjo's blog!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Bacon and Eh's

Best Name Ever!

Honestly, has there ever been a better name for a website?
Still not convinced?
Maybe I should inform you that this site is run by a bunch of Canadians!
Some of my favorite things are Canadian!

And of course,

Canadians. Is there anything they can't do?

Saturday, December 11, 2004

A Closer Look at My Favorite Christmas Tie

As it Should Be!
Maybe I should have made THIS my Christmas card!
Ah well. There's always next year!

Friday, December 10, 2004

More Thoughts About Santa

Not too long ago I posted the only known public photograph of me making an appearance as Santa Claus. If you've been a loyal reader you know that playing Santa is among my all-time least favorite entertainment bookings.

Being Santa is just awful. I detailed many of the problems with Santa life in this blog and later in an article found at The Cheers and e-pauly. Lousy pay, annoying little brats, even more annoying parents - playing Santa just once will make you realize that "Santa" is just a rearranged letter or two away from being "Satan".

Odd thing about that aforementioned realization: Santa lives in the North Pole where it is so cold and Satan lives in Hell where it is known for being all fire and brimstone. Clearly the opposite is true. If you are Santa you are living in a Hell on Earth!

Of course you're all Christmas-crazy right now so you likely think I'm full of shit. But I'll try and relay another reason why professionally playing Santa during the holidays is horrible.

We all know that Santa can find work at corporate holiday parties and malls. But were you aware that one of the most common Santa bookings was personal in-home appearances? I was unaware of this when I first took a few Santa gigs and thought it would be a good way to make some cash.

In-home Santa visits are, to put it honestly, extremely creepy. When I've done in-home appearances as myself for birthday parties or things like that everyone knew who I was. I wasn't hiding under any sort of disguise. The person you saw performing was the same person you see walking down the street. That being said, I would upon occasion be met with a little trepidation from the clients since they were in fact bringing a total stranger into their home. No biggie. It happens.

As Santa, you NEVER have to let the client see who you are. Nobody wants to ruin the Santa mystique so you arrive at the home as Santa Claus. The kids treat you like a celebrity and never question why you used the front door instead of the chimney. The parents have NEVER given a second thought to having some anonymous man show up in a Santa suit, roam through their house, play with their children and encourage them to sit on your lap. Why? Because it is Santa! Why would Santa ever be anything but wholesome and pure? I'd worked entire events having never shown my true identity to the client.

This struck me as a very suspicious thing. Thankfully I was already booking myself as an entertainer and could provide references if anyone ever asked (which NEVER happened). But there are MANY people out there that only work as Santa during the holidays. These guys COULD be professional entertainers or they COULD be jewel thieves and child molesters. Nobody ever questions the guy who plays Santa and I always saw potential for some bad shit to come flying my way.

As an example I offer you a very common practice when people book a Santa for their home.

Very often I was showing up at a family or neighborhood Christmas party to lead the folks in some Christmas carols, get wish lists from kids, be offered GALLONS of alcohol by the hosts (which is cool...but somehow even creepier), and hand out a few presents to the kids and the guests. Where did these presents come from? That's the part that made me nervous.

The presents were all purchased and wrapped in advance by the client, as you would expect. How did I get them? They'd be left in specific locations and I'd be given instructions on how & where to find them. Sometimes they'd be in an open garage. Other times they'd be in the back seat of the client's unlocked car. Occasionally I'd have to wander towards the back door of the house and pick them up on the porch or simply walk into their unlocked house, get packages from the closet or basement, and come back to make my entrance. Do you see the potential for a shit storm yet?

To make things worse, I'd occasionally have to get KEYS to their homes and pick up the packages in advance of the event when they were out of the house! You heard me. They'd give me the keys and insist that I show up at a time when they were sure to be gone, and take their presents to my home.

I've had to sneak around in alleys, dig open garbage cans, break into cars, garages, and the like, often while wearing a Santa suit. Why on Earth would ANYONE trust a total stranger with their homes and possessions in such a manner? Because I was SANTA!

Were I a dishonest man I could have given the client a phony name and been using some dummy phone number as a contact number. They've never seen me nor met me so why would I have to do much more to keep my identity secret? I could have easily walked away with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of merchandise, heirlooms, and jewels and nobody would have even known what hit them. Of course I was not a dishonest man and I gave them my real name, real phone number, and would try to meet the clients beforehand to avoid conflict. This was almost worse.

Since so many packages were hidden in so many unlocked places it became just as easy for someone else to walk off with all the holiday goodies, jewels, and so on. Had this happened, do you suppose they'd call the police and conduct a thorough investigation or do you think that they'd simply get the police to come find ME? I did, after all, know where the presents were, have keys to their homes, etc.. Why would the police have to try and find a real thief when they have the perfect suspect waiting in the wings?

The whole concept made my hair stand on end worrying about the what-ifs. I didn't like the blind trust afforded by a simple Santa suit and I liked even less the potential for heaping buckets of shit poured upon me should someone decide to steal Christmas from one of these homes.

I've often thought that this trust would have gone away all these years later. With all the stories about bad people, the post 9/11 years, the degradation of society in general you'd assume that maybe I could jump back into the Santa game and do personal appearances if I wanted to do so. Well you'd be wrong to think this. Every year I get requests from people wondering if I'd be willing to do work as a Santa for their home. Every year I get the details out of curiosity and find out that Santa can do no wrong. I'm often told, "all you have to do to find the presents is take the key to the house which is found under the mat..." .

Be warned, people. And for God's sake, be a little more careful when hiring a Santa to come into your home, play with your kids, and make your Christmas "memorable".

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Because they Make Me Smile

Penguins & Christmas!  Gotta Love it! For reasons I can't quite explain I'm a little down today. Maybe it has something to do with seeing how depressed my wife was when she couldn't manage to get some prime fan club tickets for an upcoming Rick Springfield show.

The website for the venue is completely awful and wholly incapable of handling the kind of traffic a fan club pre-sale can generate I guess. The folks at Centreevents have truly let down a lot of people today and they'd better get their crap in a pile soon! I shudder to think how they treat their regular customers.

Otherwise I guess I'm a bit down because I've been in such a slump of gigs. It is so uncharacteristic to be 9 days into December before my first real gig. It really puts a damper on any sorts of plans for holiday shopping and fun. Everything this year has been a bit off thanks to our fantastic President, the glowing economy, and the many unrelated issues that have popped up this year, sidetracking my business. I'm sure I'll talk about those some other time.

Who's Got the COOLER Suit?In an attempt to remedy my blue day and to celebrate my gig which takes place later this evening I thought I'd post a couple of silly photos taken at a Christmas event from a few years back.

These are from the annual event held at the Allen Bradley/Rockwell Automation Christmas party in Milwaukee, WI. This company has been around for about 100 years or so and is one of the few factories that still has a full professional stage installed in the facility.

Years back, it was customary for large factories such as this one to have complete entertainment, health, and even living accommodations for their workers. Since so many people spent long hours in the factory and away from home, these amenities would be provided to keep things "civilized" and maintain some sense of natural life.

It was great fun working the shows over the course of the weekend for these folks. They give away thousands of gift packages for all the kids and the employees really love that this company keeps with a long-standing tradition.

I couldn't resist the opportunity to get a snapshot of me next to a giant penguin and I'm using one of these photos as my business holiday/marketing card this year. I'm already feeling better for sharing!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Why Wasn't I Informed of This??? A NEW Doctor Who TV Series???

I seem to recall my wife telling me a little something about a new incarnation of Doctor Who being done across the pond, but for some reason I thought it was some sort of animated thing. Well boy was I wrong!

After checking out a "Blog of Note" on the Blogger page, SciFiDaily, I learned of the new series and checked out the little sneak peek at the BBC official site.

I wonder how I become a Blog of Note? I've got one kick-ass blog here and I think I offer some pretty savvy content. I think I've been blogging longer than the SciFi guys. I know I reviewed Shatner's album before they did. Not that I'm putting on my internet/comic book guy/superior snobbery thing. I've no problem with the SciFiDaily being recognized at all as it is one MOST excellent blog! I just wonder what I gotta do to get noticed around here. Must be the entertainer's insecurity coming out again.

Anyway, I was a HUGE Doctor Who fan as a kid and while I don't get all squishy anymore for the show, I do get a bit sentimental about it from time to time. Every winter I put on my Tom Baker scarf, handmade by my mother from the officially released BBC pattern. Last year my wife gave me some cool Who memorabilia for Christmas that I treasure. Hearing that there's a new show helps reinstate my belief that there really is some good left in the world! I must admit that I will be going to our fantastic local Doctor Who Store to see what the whole story is tomorrow!

Thanks to the guys at SciFiDaliy for bringing me "A Christmas Miracle"!!! OK, that may be a bit much. But thanks!

People Online Have TOO Much Time on Their Hands

Of COURSE this is not safe for work. But it is amusing...if you're a 13 year old boy or a fully grown man!

Monday, December 06, 2004

There's Been a Shit-load of Christmas Around Here!

I hear that Hardrock & Coco double-teamed Suzy Snowflake while Santa watched.  Joe was holding the video camera.  Otherwise, Santa had no use for Joe.

First of all, and I am sorry for not mentioning this sooner, GOD BLESS the Walter E. Smithe Company! This Chicago furniture company came up with a BRILLIANT way to get more people into their stores and build their mailing list for catalog sales. ANYONE who walks into a Walter E. Smithe store is entitled to a FREE DVD featuring two CLASSIC animated holiday shorts, "Hardrock, Coco & Joe" and "Suzy Snowflake" FREE!. All you have to do is ask for your DVD and fill out a form with your address on it and you'll be watching some really bad Christmas fun in no time!

Suzy Snowflake.  Is that her with Frosty the Snowman??? SLUT! These were shown every damn Christmas season, usually on The Bozo Show or some other WGN TV program so often that even if you hated these films you found yourself becoming quite angry if you didn't get to watch them and sing along. The very sight of them makes the locals blush with embarrassment for liking them so much!

They were made back in the early 17th century I think (or maybe it was the 1950's) and they predated the Rankin & Bass holiday films that utilized similar animation techniques. Really, the only reason you watched these things was to sing along to the "Hardrock, Coco, & Joe" song and even then you'd only want to sing the deep bass "I'm JOE" part.

OLD SCHOOL Frosty!Needless to say, when my wife told me about this little promotion I started calling Smithe stores and found one that had some DVDs left. As cheesy-awful as these things are to watch, I really feel like I can have Christmas now! Maybe next year Smithe will pony up the dough to get the even more cheesy "Frosty the Snowman" black & white cartoon short too. But I'm not holding my breath.

Next, we just finished decorating our tree! I'll post some pics later in the week. Ever since we moved to this modest little apartment we've tried to have a real tree every year and I really love it!

I spend HOURS stringing the lights, enduring lots of tree sap and prickly needless so we can have a KICK-ASS looking tree even if there were no ornaments. Of course we have lots of stupid ornaments, most of which are penguins or frogs for some reason.

Last year we managed to make the tree that much more exciting for April when we found a place that had MILLIONS of glow-in-the-dark plastic icicles to hang from the branches. What was even better was that they were CHEAP! April had been hoarding the last few surviving icicles from her childhood and had little hope of ever having enough to really decorate a tree sufficiently again. Well, now we have enough to share and we gave packs of icicles to all of her relatives last year.

Our little apartment in rarely clean and organized, but with a pretty tree it is always home!

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Worth It?

Even though there are some current maintenance issues with Statcounter right now I managed to find out that I'm averaging about 125 unique visitors a day. That's not too bad I suppose. I've had days where over 300 people stopped by and some where only a handful of folks made a trip to Andy Land.

Of course, nobody sticks around for much longer than 2-5 minutes, if that and very few people leave comments. I always like reading the few that come in and try to reciprocate often.

I try to leave comments at other blogs if they're subjects I feel I can add something appropriately funny or intelligent. I almost never leave any comments at political blogs because the subject matter always becomes too tense for me. So I'm sure Brian at the Frozen Tundra thinks I'm blowing off his blog altogether.

I cannot blame people for not sticking around or commenting on the posts. When I surf or hit the "next blog" button I am just as guilty of skimming the first few posts and deciding instantly if it is something worth my attention. I suppose everyone online views reading blogs that have not been made "destination viewing" the same way we all view a millisecond of programming when we channel surf in front of our sets.

What gets me is that this blog has the appearance of being somewhat traveled, albeit very modestly. Further viewing of my stats show only an average of 17 repeat viewers a day and therein lies the sadness.

Seventeen or so people come back here with regularity. If I take the time to really think about it I may be able to come up with ten people. Both my mom and my mother-in-law check in. The guys at make regular visits. The afore mentioned Brian makes his rounds. Kim at Bacon & Eh's is always good for a comment as well as a good read. I know that I check in to make sure the site is up and running and to monitor the look of new posts. But really, that's only about 7 people I am fairly confident are here often. So I have to wonder, is maintaining this blog really worth it?

Sure it adds a free and visible additional web presence to my life. Certainly that doesn't hurt when promoting my entertainment business or my website.

I also have at least one place that will ALWAYS publish my writing. I can almost always count on Blogger to be online. The Cheers always manages to take a virtual dump whenever we start to get rolling and I start to build an audience. I don't even know what is going on with Eklektikos anymore and I am still too chicken-shit to send my work out to places that will surely reject me. So being able to publish whatever the hell I want is good I suppose.

Other than these little things, is maintaining this blog worth anything at all? I can't decide if it is helpful to anyone, informative, fun - I can't figure out right now if there is any merit to keeping up appearances here.

Of course, I did just finish watching the Peter Sellers biopic on HBO. This could have something to do with all this doubt.

I was always an admirer of his work and his talent, but until now I'd never realized how many similarites there are between our two lives or personalities. No I wasn't ever married to Britt Ekland! I'm talking about the emotional foibles & insecurities, the creative pleasures and pains, the things that most shrinks would call stereotypical traits common to us "funny people". Before tonight the only "connection" I felt I had with another comedian or performer was Andy Kaufman.

I'm sure none of you has the slightest idea what I'm talking about and that's fine actually. There aren't that many of you to confuse right now anyway. Maybe I should get some sleep.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Briefly Out of "Retail Retirement"

I've been filling in some of the dead time in between gigs helping out at my wife's store, Marche' Noir off and on for the last week.

I used to be something of a retail GOD and could likely sell a box of turds to a shit farmer if I had to make a few bucks. The problem is/was, I generally hate working retail. However, at her store it is a much different story. The product is way cool and the feeling there is much different from my days working at other places. It IS "the cool store" at the mall and being the cool store, it is not only easier to sell products, people treat you differently in many cases.

However whenever I go back into the retail world I am reminded of the owners at one of my last retail gigs, Kartoon Kingdom.

The owners, while lovely people, were over-the-top religious fanatics and would often try to convert me to their way of thinking. Quite honestly, I could count on weekly violations of my civil rights by being force-fed religious sermons and desperate attempts at saving my ever-loving soul. It was extremely annoying.

Couple this with an equally annoying desire by one of the owners to make me the son he never had AND the heir apparent to the Kartoon Kingdom throne when his retirement days arrived and you have one frustrating little paycheck. Here's an example.

I wholly admit that I am great at merchandising, sales, and store management. I've made a lot of people a lot of money in the retail world & I am certain I could be a district or regional manager of just about any retail chain in the world were it not for the fact that my parents were married (OOH! Intelligent "bastard humor" NICE!). But I am also one hell of a fine entertainer and consider being a performer my true calling. My bosses at Kartoon Kingdom NEVER saw me perform anywhere. They saw me sell things often and always thought I should give up show biz and take over their store instead. So here is one of the ways my boss tried to convince me I should go into retail for all time.

BOSS: Andy, you are truly a gifted man with many talents.

ME: Why, thank you. (I'm already waiting for another Jesus discussion by this point. This is how many of these damn God speeches started)

BOSS: I believe that you are completely unaware of how many talents and gifts that The Lord (It was never "God" or "Jesus". Always "The Lord") has bestowed upon you.

ME: Well I appreciate your saying so. Thanks much.

BOSS: I also believe that of all the gifts The Lord has given you, your true calling is not in entertainment.

ME: Oh?

BOSS: You may be a good entertainer, but you are a genius in retail. You ARE a salesman and have great gifts in retail.

ME: Well, I don't consider selling Beanie Babies a gift per se -

BOSS: Andy, The Lord has blessed you with many gifts. And those gifts are all in retail.

At this point I am too shocked and amazed to laugh. The Lord has blessed me with gifts pertaining to retail? I have no gifts as an entertainer? As a person? JUST as a retailer? I composed myself and brought about an abrupt end to this conversation with the following sentences.

ME: Really?! Are you sure about this? Because...I don't even think God SHOPS retail. Seriously, doesn't God have a Jewish kid that can get him a deal? O.K., maybe Jesus can't do much for God in the garment district, but he'd have to at least be able to get God some good furniture at cost.

Thankfully I usually am so full-time as a performer I don't have to don a name tag or order products anymore. Kartoon Kingdom is long gone and I've no idea if God has been able to forgive these folks for failing in their attempts to BOTH convert me & make me a retail lifer.

Ever Feel Like You're Being Watched by a Bunch of Idiots?

Bootlip I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm being watched. Maybe that's a good thing since this a blog and all. But for some reason I feel as though I am being watched by a strange group of people.

Maybe it is the Jedi instinct or Spidey Sense, but I can just feel their presence.

What's stranger...these people want me to smoke cigars, drink beer, and do rather unnatural things to sheep.

Maybe I'm imagining things. I don't know of any such group of people. And surely if these folks did exist and were here they'd say "Hi" or post comments. At the very least they'd buy a Rooster t-shirt for their friends and family this holiday season.


Friday, December 03, 2004

The $25.00 Monkey Arrives at

Since The Cheers site is down (AGAIN!) I figure this is a great time to let you know about one of my articles being reprinted at this week.

Paul has been posting a lot of things about fatherhood lately so I thought it would be more than appropriate to send him one of my Father's Day articles, "A Father's Wisdom: The $25.00 Monkey". This rather funny piece discusses some of the more unusual phrases my own father would turn in order to teach lessons to his kids. I think you will enjoy it very much.

Now that you're all squoozy inside from that touching article, perhaps you'd like to purchase a t-shirt from I hear the Rooster with Tourette's is a big seller!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

MY GOD, Its Beautiful! The Rooster with Tourette Syndrome

Do you hate holiday shopping? I don't mind it that much. What I really DO mind is having to hear that fucking "Wonderful Christmas" song by Paul McCartney! My GOD that song sucks ass. Nothing makes me want to be Jewish more than hearing that Christmas song! Whenever that god-awful tune comes on I can't help but thinking that the wrong Beatle was shot. Ugh! I digress.

If you hate shopping then you should just make your life simple and get everyone you know the same thing. Hmmm...what would be great for men, women, friends & family? I know! Why not get a t-shirt from my good friends at! If you're having trouble deciding just what shirt to buy I'll make life even simpler for you. Buy the one inspired by a line from my stand-up comedy routine. CHECK THIS OUT!

Makes a GREAT Gift!
Imagine my surprise when I found this little gem on the blog and in my inbox! They were already kind enough to plug my blog and rave about my writing. But this is too much. I wonder if I'll get a piece of the action. Anyway... You're really nobody in this world until you've inspired a best-selling t-shirt. So let's get out there and make me as cool as the guy who came up with, "I'm with Stupid". I see no reason why this shirt shouldn't be on everyone's gift list this year!