More Thoughts About Santa

Not too long ago I posted the only known public photograph of me making an appearance as Santa Claus. If you've been a loyal reader you know that playing Santa is among my all-time least favorite entertainment bookings.

Being Santa is just awful. I detailed many of the problems with Santa life in this blog and later in an article found at The Cheers and e-pauly. Lousy pay, annoying little brats, even more annoying parents - playing Santa just once will make you realize that "Santa" is just a rearranged letter or two away from being "Satan".

Odd thing about that aforementioned realization: Santa lives in the North Pole where it is so cold and Satan lives in Hell where it is known for being all fire and brimstone. Clearly the opposite is true. If you are Santa you are living in a Hell on Earth!

Of course you're all Christmas-crazy right now so you likely think I'm full of shit. But I'll try and relay another reason why professionally playing Santa during the holidays is horrible.

We all know that Santa can find work at corporate holiday parties and malls. But were you aware that one of the most common Santa bookings was personal in-home appearances? I was unaware of this when I first took a few Santa gigs and thought it would be a good way to make some cash.

In-home Santa visits are, to put it honestly, extremely creepy. When I've done in-home appearances as myself for birthday parties or things like that everyone knew who I was. I wasn't hiding under any sort of disguise. The person you saw performing was the same person you see walking down the street. That being said, I would upon occasion be met with a little trepidation from the clients since they were in fact bringing a total stranger into their home. No biggie. It happens.

As Santa, you NEVER have to let the client see who you are. Nobody wants to ruin the Santa mystique so you arrive at the home as Santa Claus. The kids treat you like a celebrity and never question why you used the front door instead of the chimney. The parents have NEVER given a second thought to having some anonymous man show up in a Santa suit, roam through their house, play with their children and encourage them to sit on your lap. Why? Because it is Santa! Why would Santa ever be anything but wholesome and pure? I'd worked entire events having never shown my true identity to the client.

This struck me as a very suspicious thing. Thankfully I was already booking myself as an entertainer and could provide references if anyone ever asked (which NEVER happened). But there are MANY people out there that only work as Santa during the holidays. These guys COULD be professional entertainers or they COULD be jewel thieves and child molesters. Nobody ever questions the guy who plays Santa and I always saw potential for some bad shit to come flying my way.

As an example I offer you a very common practice when people book a Santa for their home.

Very often I was showing up at a family or neighborhood Christmas party to lead the folks in some Christmas carols, get wish lists from kids, be offered GALLONS of alcohol by the hosts (which is cool...but somehow even creepier), and hand out a few presents to the kids and the guests. Where did these presents come from? That's the part that made me nervous.

The presents were all purchased and wrapped in advance by the client, as you would expect. How did I get them? They'd be left in specific locations and I'd be given instructions on how & where to find them. Sometimes they'd be in an open garage. Other times they'd be in the back seat of the client's unlocked car. Occasionally I'd have to wander towards the back door of the house and pick them up on the porch or simply walk into their unlocked house, get packages from the closet or basement, and come back to make my entrance. Do you see the potential for a shit storm yet?

To make things worse, I'd occasionally have to get KEYS to their homes and pick up the packages in advance of the event when they were out of the house! You heard me. They'd give me the keys and insist that I show up at a time when they were sure to be gone, and take their presents to my home.

I've had to sneak around in alleys, dig open garbage cans, break into cars, garages, and the like, often while wearing a Santa suit. Why on Earth would ANYONE trust a total stranger with their homes and possessions in such a manner? Because I was SANTA!

Were I a dishonest man I could have given the client a phony name and been using some dummy phone number as a contact number. They've never seen me nor met me so why would I have to do much more to keep my identity secret? I could have easily walked away with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of merchandise, heirlooms, and jewels and nobody would have even known what hit them. Of course I was not a dishonest man and I gave them my real name, real phone number, and would try to meet the clients beforehand to avoid conflict. This was almost worse.

Since so many packages were hidden in so many unlocked places it became just as easy for someone else to walk off with all the holiday goodies, jewels, and so on. Had this happened, do you suppose they'd call the police and conduct a thorough investigation or do you think that they'd simply get the police to come find ME? I did, after all, know where the presents were, have keys to their homes, etc.. Why would the police have to try and find a real thief when they have the perfect suspect waiting in the wings?

The whole concept made my hair stand on end worrying about the what-ifs. I didn't like the blind trust afforded by a simple Santa suit and I liked even less the potential for heaping buckets of shit poured upon me should someone decide to steal Christmas from one of these homes.

I've often thought that this trust would have gone away all these years later. With all the stories about bad people, the post 9/11 years, the degradation of society in general you'd assume that maybe I could jump back into the Santa game and do personal appearances if I wanted to do so. Well you'd be wrong to think this. Every year I get requests from people wondering if I'd be willing to do work as a Santa for their home. Every year I get the details out of curiosity and find out that Santa can do no wrong. I'm often told, "all you have to do to find the presents is take the key to the house which is found under the mat..." .

Be warned, people. And for God's sake, be a little more careful when hiring a Santa to come into your home, play with your kids, and make your Christmas "memorable".