Briefly Out of "Retail Retirement"

I've been filling in some of the dead time in between gigs helping out at my wife's store, Marche' Noir off and on for the last week.

I used to be something of a retail GOD and could likely sell a box of turds to a shit farmer if I had to make a few bucks. The problem is/was, I generally hate working retail. However, at her store it is a much different story. The product is way cool and the feeling there is much different from my days working at other places. It IS "the cool store" at the mall and being the cool store, it is not only easier to sell products, people treat you differently in many cases.

However whenever I go back into the retail world I am reminded of the owners at one of my last retail gigs, Kartoon Kingdom.

The owners, while lovely people, were over-the-top religious fanatics and would often try to convert me to their way of thinking. Quite honestly, I could count on weekly violations of my civil rights by being force-fed religious sermons and desperate attempts at saving my ever-loving soul. It was extremely annoying.

Couple this with an equally annoying desire by one of the owners to make me the son he never had AND the heir apparent to the Kartoon Kingdom throne when his retirement days arrived and you have one frustrating little paycheck. Here's an example.

I wholly admit that I am great at merchandising, sales, and store management. I've made a lot of people a lot of money in the retail world & I am certain I could be a district or regional manager of just about any retail chain in the world were it not for the fact that my parents were married (OOH! Intelligent "bastard humor" NICE!). But I am also one hell of a fine entertainer and consider being a performer my true calling. My bosses at Kartoon Kingdom NEVER saw me perform anywhere. They saw me sell things often and always thought I should give up show biz and take over their store instead. So here is one of the ways my boss tried to convince me I should go into retail for all time.

BOSS: Andy, you are truly a gifted man with many talents.

ME: Why, thank you. (I'm already waiting for another Jesus discussion by this point. This is how many of these damn God speeches started)

BOSS: I believe that you are completely unaware of how many talents and gifts that The Lord (It was never "God" or "Jesus". Always "The Lord") has bestowed upon you.

ME: Well I appreciate your saying so. Thanks much.

BOSS: I also believe that of all the gifts The Lord has given you, your true calling is not in entertainment.

ME: Oh?

BOSS: You may be a good entertainer, but you are a genius in retail. You ARE a salesman and have great gifts in retail.

ME: Well, I don't consider selling Beanie Babies a gift per se -

BOSS: Andy, The Lord has blessed you with many gifts. And those gifts are all in retail.

At this point I am too shocked and amazed to laugh. The Lord has blessed me with gifts pertaining to retail? I have no gifts as an entertainer? As a person? JUST as a retailer? I composed myself and brought about an abrupt end to this conversation with the following sentences.

ME: Really?! Are you sure about this? Because...I don't even think God SHOPS retail. Seriously, doesn't God have a Jewish kid that can get him a deal? O.K., maybe Jesus can't do much for God in the garment district, but he'd have to at least be able to get God some good furniture at cost.

Thankfully I usually am so full-time as a performer I don't have to don a name tag or order products anymore. Kartoon Kingdom is long gone and I've no idea if God has been able to forgive these folks for failing in their attempts to BOTH convert me & make me a retail lifer.