What Do I Want for My Birthday?

Not that I expect anyone to get me anything. I generally don't put too much thought into my birthdays as they're frequently ruined by rain or schedule conflicts. However a few people have been e-mailing me questions about my impending 35th and possibly final birthday arriving on the 30th of May so I guess I'll post a half-serious wish list of birthday goodies. I'm sure this list will grow and change in the next few weeks, but as I said, I really don't expect any of you to take this seriously.

In numerical order, but not in order of importance...

1. Sony's Vegas 6 software. I want better video/movie software so I can make better promo videos for my business.
2. New promo photos or cash to get them done (or a trip to Hawaii so Christine can take the pics for me. I suppose I'd settle for Christine and her manfriend, Doyle coming out to Chicago to do the shoot. Just drop everything to accommodate me, will ya? LOL!)
3. Health insurance, preferably something I can afford
4. Cash to restore and frame this ancient Ringling Bros. half-sheet (poster) I have featuring and signed by legendary juggler Francis Brunn. I've had the thing for years and have never had the cash to get the thing properly preserved. I'm sure that my NOT doing anything with it has hastened it's entropy. Any Andy Land readers in the framing biz?
5. Forgiveness from on high for all the things I cannot forgive myself for (and the list is extensive & apparently, mentally crippling)
6. I'd like a bank account, and maybe some hope of having money and security if I do live past 35. I don't expect YOU to get me an account or set me on the path of financial freedom. I'm just free-associating right now.
7. There are at least three wristwatches I'm in love with at my wife's store, Marche Noir. There's a DKNY I've been eyeballing, a way cool Diesel, and a Kenneth Cole. I need a new watch like I need a new clogged artery, but what the hell.
8. Once in awhile, I'd like somebody to take me seriously when I'm in pain or upset.
9. I'd like to get a booking on Letterman, Conan, and Leno. I don't have to do stand-up, juggling, plate-spinning, or any act at all. Maybe just a segment where I can talk about my new book or a cool column I wrote.
10. Oh, yeah, I'd like either some starter cash to self-publish a book of my craptacular essays or a good literary agent that would like to bring my madness to the masses.
11. A Tom Jones recording of the Wonder Woman theme song. He's never sung it. It is the ULTIMATE Tom Jones song. I'd like this even more than a Tom Jones version of Louie Louie.
12. I sure like a lot of the penguin things from these guys.
13. If Joe Walsh could tell his "other band", Eagles, to fuck off long enough to do a solo show in my area that would be cool. Otherwise, I'd love to meet the guy or get a photo with him for my archives and my blog. I'd like few things more in my life than to meet Joe Walsh. He's just awesome! Just to shake the hand that wrote the line, "I can't complain but sometimes I still do" would more than enough.
14. I'd like any musician friends I have to record a version of "Louie Louie" and send it to me for my collection. Doesn't have to be fancy. Doesn't have to be lyrically accurate. Doesn't have to be any good. It just has to be on CD or mp3 and it has to be their own special version of the stupidest (and GREATEST) rock song of all time.
15. I'd like to go to Cedar Point again, preferably with my brothers & sister. It is really the only amusement park in the world as far as I'm concerned. If I could get a booking there that would give everyone else an excuse to visit!
16. I'm behind on my Adult Swim DVD box sets. E-mail me for details.
17. A really good turnout at an upcoming Vegas Brothers gig.
18. Can somebody come over and clean the ever-living shit out of my apartment and then NOT blog about what a fucking mess it was in here?
19. I'd like to go to the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum again. To hell with Disney! The Mustard Museum is the happiest place on Earth!
20. I'd like one of the many projects I've started or been in on the ground floor on to succeed beyond all my wildest dreams and make us all happy and rich! I've got good vibes about Malicious Bitch, which probably means the thing is doomed!
21. I'd like to go fishing. I love fishing and yet, I never get to go fishing. I'm lousy at it, but I love to sit on the water and fish.
22. I'd like all those years I wasted cheering on the Cubs to magically be given back to me.
23. As many bottles of Pyrat XO Reserve as anybody wants to send my way. I have told you about this glorious ambrosia before and I still love it! Seriously, if everyone who reads this actually goes out and buys me a bottle and that were ALL I got for my birthday - hell, for the rest of my life, that would me fine and dandy with me!
24. Respect from my peers and business associates. This IS a wish list, after all.
25. I'd like people to stop referring to me as, "the magician" when I come to their events to perform.

More later I'm sure. I mean, this can't be the WHOLE wish list, can it? Seems reasonable enough. ;)