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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I'm SURE Jesus is Re-Thinking His Position on Me!

I've been holding off on posting this for awhile.

I can wait NO LONGER!

I found this little gem of a site thanks to Kim at Bacon & Eh's. She was kind enough to mention to me that Jesus is always with the jugglers! Apparently Jesus is a BIG patron of the arts.

Examine the list of professionals and people that Jesus is always with, whether we invited Him or not. You'll note a rather heavy slant towards the arts. Included in Jesus' watch list...
  1. Juggler (see below)
  2. Clown (OOH! This one is in color.)
  3. Guitarist (Note, He does NOT like electric guitarists!)
  4. Artist (Just like this BAD sketch artist with the Jesus fetish)
  5. French Horn (The actual horn or a French Horn player? Not specific.)
  6. Organist (Like we didn't see THAT coming! )

Preacher is also in there. Well, DUH! Surprisingly. Jesus is big on insurance agents but has NOTHING to offer a carpenter!

If you click on each of the listing of bizarre professions at this site you'll get another dreadful drawing featuring Jesus working with or alongside the professional. The dental assistant and surgeon ones freak me out the most. With all due respect to the creator (not the Creator) of these sketches, some of these look rather creepy and wrong, if ya get my meaning.

He Likes Me.  He REALLY Likes Me!LOOK! Jesus not only has a wild-eyed smile while watching a juggler, but he is also applauding. He knows that jugglers need not for material things like money or fame. Just some applause will be enough to sustain our existence.

What is most astonishing is the odd resemblance the juggler in the sketch has to a young Andy Martello. I mean the haircut is a bit off and there's too much of a Tom Cruise thing happening here, but it is like this weirdo got his idea from one of my old promotional photos.

Don't believe me? Oh ye of little faith!


Here's an old photo of me taken for an article written about me in the Park Ridge Advocate sometime around 1988 or 1989.

Notice the attire, the hair, the bow tie, and the blank stare on my face. It is me all over!

I think I was the ONLY variety performer under the age of 50 wearing a tuxedo shirt with a ruffle.

I've decided Jesus is stalking me. Well, at least Jesus' personal sketch artist is stalking me.

Still not convinced?

Close your mouth you HACK!

Here's one of me a few years EARLIER! I was BARELY 15 years old in this picture and I am in JUST about the same outfit. I KNOW the shirt was the same in both photos. Hell, the accessories are likely to be the same. I had NO money for cool clothes!

This photo was taken in the living room of our house in Marengo, IL. We moved the couch to take advantage of the natural sunlight coming through our picture window and utilize the very stylish theatrical background provided by our drapes!

Believe it or not, this was also featured in a newspaper story about me for winning the McHenry County Fair talent contest. These days I can't buy space in a paper. Then...BIG TIME NEWS!

Looking at this well-meaning Jesus website and reminiscing about past glories, I recall a strange gig I had one time that MAY explain Jesus' unnatural fascination with me.

Not too long ago I did a show for the Indian Princesses, a group of girls who for one reason or another couldn't get into the Girl Scouts.

This group was having their annual shindig up north at a campground in Wisconsin. It was December and FREEZING COLD! They had me arrive extra early so they could warm up the building while I set up.

This group is some sort of daddy-daughter group and I guess it is fine and dandy and all that. What I found very disturbing was how whenever they would give awards or accommodations to the little princesses, the dads would encircle the girl and chant, "Dance! DANCE!". Very strange. It made me think all of these girls had futures in lapdancing. I digress.

The stage I performed on had a backdrop behind it unlike any I'd ever seen before; a 10 x 10 oil paining of Jesus. Not the whole Jesus, mind you. Just His head. So I did an entire 45-minute comedy and juggling show with underage Indian lapdancers, there dads, and the Almighty( sans body,) watching my every move.

At one point I was gearing up to juggling my flaming bowling pins. As I lit the pins on fire I started laughing. I just couldn't concentrate with the giant Jesus head behind me and I found it amusing.

Same outfit!

Then I turned towards the painting and gestured with the flaming pin, waving it dangerously close to the backdrop. During this motion I joking yelled, "Look out, Jesus!" . The dads got a huge laugh out of it as did I.

Perhaps this little bit of comedic genius is what made Jesus find an object for His affection. I've always heard that most folks are just looking for someone with a sense of humor.

I hope I don't start getting obscene phone calls. If He wants to start doing anonymous miracles for me that would be cool! PSST! Jesus, I could use some more gigs!


Blogger D Brooks said...


All participants must maintain at least a 10ft. radius around Andy when he performs.

Noooo.... it isn't the flaming pins... but the lightning may come a little close sometimes, lol

11:31 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

There will be NO lightning bolts. Jesus is always with me, stalking me, loving me - [ZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!]

Oh well, I had to post something. This one will likely turn into a column somewhere before too long. My wife was laughing too hard for it not to score with my audience of 5 or so. ;)

12:10 AM

Blogger D Brooks said...

Ok, ok... just tell her I said to :

1. Always wear rubber soled shoes
2. Stay away from puddles
3. Carry a fire extinguisher
4. Never, but NEVER allow you to entertain outside where a deity can get a clean shot at you.


1:54 AM

Blogger Kim said...

Holy shit I can't stop laughing! It's so early in the morning here, I'm laughing so hard that I'm going to wait someone up ROFLMAO

2:18 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Funny. Not too long after I posted this one, we had a huge rain storm start up here. I didn't check to see if it was JUST in front of my apartment or if it was in the area.

Kim, I'm glad I can wake up Canada from here. Were it not for you I'd have had nothing to write about. LOL! I'm looking for an old promo shot where I'm holding the exact same props as the sketch!

This will probably be a Cheers article soon. Expanded a bit and made less insulting to the artist. ;)

8:44 AM

Blogger Alda said...

I agree, the likeness is striking! (No pun intended)
Great blog Andy. I'd hire you if I was an Indian Princess and liked to, um, dance for my daddy. *shudder*

2:24 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Thanks for the comment, Alda! Very kind of you to stop by. I was just checking out the Weather in Iceland and by coincidence...there you were! ;)

I'd love to work Iyour neck of the woods. Forget the Indian Princess crap! Do you have a 10 x 10 painting of Jesus where I can work?

Let me know if you're interested in doing a link exchange and THANKS for reading!

8:34 AM

Blogger Brenda said...

Kim sent me. I feel for ya, Jesus looks down on me and just sighs and shakes his head.

6:34 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Thanks for coming on over. Kim is one cool lady!

Yeah, I'm a goin' to Hell. But maybe not. If Jesus is stalking me then I've got an ally. I'll put in a good word for you Brenda. ;)

Checking out your blog now. LMK if you want to do a link exchange.

7:00 PM


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