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Make 2007 a Podcrapular New Year!
You should definitely make it a resolution to listen to Podcrapular more often in 2007. The great thing about this resolution is that it is very easy to keep. Stream it, download it, listen at your leisure on your iPod, your computer, in your car - the list goes on and on. You can listen while working out, while driving, at work (with headphones ON is best at work), just about anywhere and any time is the right time to listen to Podcrapular. Another resolution you can make & keep is to TELL PEOPLE about the podcast. Share this funny & intelligent program with your friends and maybe they'll do the same. Spreading the word about this show COULD lead to more people buying Golfwidow's fantastic book, "Getting My Think On". It could even bring about more work in larger markets for yours truly. Imagine that. You tell people about the show and maybe one day, someone who knows a little something about comedy can give old Andy a break. You'd be doing God's work, really (He ain't doing SQUAT these days Himself, so you have to do it instead.) Perhaps the best reason to make Podcrapular a part of your New Year's plans is that NOW you can be a part of the show. Sure, you could always e-mail us at podcrapular@gmail.com or play along at our MySpace page, but NOW you can actually call or fax the program and leave messages for us. If you call 206-350-3352 you can leave us messages, favorite jokes, and even fax us something dreadfully important. We can then take the file and share it with the world, allowing YOU another great chance to tell the world about Podcrapular (Example: "Hey [insert friend name], you should check out this hysterical program, Podcrapular. It rocks. THIS WEEK I'm even on the show telling my favorite dick joke. I'm so cool!"). The call is free so far as I know, as this is one of those free thingamabobs that people have created for blog fodder. If there is a charge at all it is minimal, especially if you only talk for a minute. Regardless, you can call us and have some fun along with us. What's that? You're still too afraid to listen to the program? Why not take a listen to this 60-second promo? This should be more than enough to convince you to listen.
A Year In Review
While I cannot boast that 2006 was my favorite year, I can look back and be thankful for some of the more enjoyable things that happened. It is kind of lame to do so, but I rarely take a look at the good things that happened to me and acknowledge the many good things I have in my life so why not.
It should go without saying that I am blessed with a beautiful, wonderful, & intelligent wife. Since I doubt I say it enough that's why it is unfortunate that I have to actually say it now. She doesn't deserve to be stuck with me and all my faults and can do much better. Of course, I CAN eat fire. Beat that!
I'm increasingly proud of the Podcrapular Podcast I'm doing with Golfwidow. I know it is a longer show than most podcasts out there. However, I doubt very much that you'll laugh as much at the many truly AWFUL 5 to 15-minute comedy podcasts that are floating about. I tried to listen to a few this week. Ummm...Maybe I'm biased, but we really are damned funny.
 This year, I had the privilege of "meeting" Bob Martello, Jerry Schafer, Tony Lovello, and Mark Englebretson as a result of my first year researching the El Rey Resort & Casino. While I can't be certain what will become of all this information this hobby has brought into my life, I can't deny the great fun I've had in talking with these people. Hell, the discovery of "Tonight for Sure" alone was more than enough to make this year more entertaining for me, but I actually got to go to Searchlight, Nevada this year and fell in love with the tiny desert town. Even though I hope I'm far too busy to have any free time in 2007, I hope to devote more of the free time I have to getting enough to write the first of a few books about the subject and get the story of Willie Martello our there.
I was fortunate enough to see the likes of Queen with Paul Rodgers, Def Leppard, Tom Jones, Etta James, and The James Gang on stage this year. I may be forgetting some great performances, but really...That's a hell of a good lineup of talent.
Professionally I happily celebrated a very busy late spring through early fall season, the first in far too long a time. I also updated videos & photos on my website, created DVDs & other promo for the act, and FINALLY got new promotional photos taken, something I'd been in dire need of for at least six years. I'm hopeful to have the "new look" brochures and even more new promo material out in a few weeks.
I know I haven't been able to post it anywhere yet, but I was featured in the world's only Assyrian language/Rap/Reggae music video. That's gotta be worth something, right?
One of my last bookings for 2006 had me working a holiday event for the Chicago White Sox. Now, I was raised a Cubs fan, but trust me, it is still cool to get to meet guys like Bill Melton, Bobby Jenks, and Jim Thome, even if they wear the wrong jersey.
Other fun gigs included my second appearance at the National Mustard Day. I even won a Golden Mustard Award this year.
 I'm still saddened by the fact that it was pretty much impossible for me to buy The King of Darts store. I had actually liked the prospect of generating a new career for me to occupy my time when I wasn't performing and pretending to be a writer. However, had I not looked into this I'd have never put the dart board on the wall and started playing again. I love playing darts and I've met some cool people now that I'm tossing again. That's great, because I can always use more friends.
I did manage to lose about 20 pounds this year. Sure I've put some on during the holidays but they'll go away much easier this time. It wasn't the 40 pounds I wanted to lose. That will have to happen in 2007 and I'm in no hurry. I'm healthier and better looking now so that's kind of a good thing. I certainly look better in my costumes, in the shower, on stage, and in my promo photos. Ummm....I'm never in the shower on stage or in my promo pics, in case you were wondering.
Naturally, I'm always happy that I have a loving family and my extended family of readers and "fans" of this blog (which got a face lift this year thanks to Dawn), my nonsense, etc.. It is great fun to know that a few people (and believe me, it really is only a few people) stop by and enjoy this stupid blog and my even more pointless endeavors. It is appreciated. Now please...Help make me really rich and famous, or at least get me on the Letterman show or something. MMMMkay?
 I know, a long damned blog post. Nobody likes them, including me. Too fucking bad. Its New Year's Eve and you're not reading this anyway. So Happy New Year to everyone and please wish me all the best of luck in 2007. With the impending move, the slow economy, the lack of gigs I see in my calendar, and a few other matters I think I could use all the help I can get.
ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!
Y Yeah, I'll admit it. I like the "Rocky" movies. OK, I loved the first two, liked the third, but resented the creation of the formula, enjoyed the fourth for plenty of cheesetastic reasons, and didn't hate the fifth. I was skeptical about the final installment, "Rocky Balboa" until I saw the trailer online. I was more than intrigued.
Then I saw it at the theatre and was more than ready to see it, hoping it would be good, but prepared for the worst.
Tonight, April and I saw the film and truly loved it. Seriously. This film, admittedly pulling out all the stops with regard to calling back to what are now considered to be Rocky Cliches, recaptured the heart and the emotion of that first film and proudly reminded me of the days when people remembered "Rocky" as the best picture of 1976, a time when Sylvester Stallone was nominated for Best Actor.
Yeah, I'm a sucker for a good underdog story. Rocky Balboa just rocks!
If I Had Bar In My House...Hell, If I Had a House...
They both cool. You'll have to click and see for yourself.
"Performance" Anxiety
 I get quite a few e-mail inquiries about booking my act.
I do not have prices listed on my website because it is accessible to the entire world. I cannot quote a price without knowing where the heck I'm performing. If I quote, hypothetically, $450.00 for a 45-minute program, which may be a price for a local booking, that price would not apply towards a booking in New York. Travel fees and other expenses make a big difference. Get it? Of course you do.
I cannot quote pricing without knowing what type of performance I'm doing either. My rates differ depending upon what type of program. As an example, if I were "strolling" through, a picnic or festival, I'd probably charge an hourly rate. I may even offer a price break for location of show, a break for multiple days, and so on. A stage show costs more because of the set-up, energy spent, length of show, etc..
I also try to get an idea for a person's budget for entertainment, especially for a residential event. More often than not, these events don't book for anywhere near my minimum and they'd better serve their event by calling a local clown from their Yellow Pages.
It is also pretty darned difficult to quote a price if I have no idea when the event is held. If it happens that I'm not even available I wouldn't bother wasting your time with a quote, but I'd certainly be able to refer you to some other talented performers.
Knowing these two fairly simple facts, you can imagine the frustration I get when I get e-mails like this one (often with the subject header, "Performance", a popular SPAM header for some fake stock tip), and I get ones like this more often than I should. I have removed names and other identifying text to protect the innocent.
"Hello-
I am looking for a performer for my son's birthday party.
How long is your performance and what is the cost?"  My responses to these always reflects the need for the above-listed information and I try to be polite and specific. I do mention that I don't perform a whole lot of birthday parties anymore since I am so much more popular in the higher-priced corporate and theatre markets, so as not to shock them with a higher price, if I get enough information to be able to provide a quote. Once my response has been sent, the one asking for things like...WHERE is the event, WHAT TYPE of show do you want, & what is your budget...I'm sure you can understand if I get even more frustrated when I receive this kind of response. "The party for my son's 1st birthday will be held in [CHICAGO SUBURB]
at the [SUBURBAN CHICAGO LOCATION].
The room I'm renting has a tall ceiling so I was
looking for a comedic juggler to entertain the kids as well as the
parents.
I would be looking for a 30 minute performance because I think that
would be the length of the kids attention span.
If you are unable to do this event, can you recommend anyone?" More info, but still not quite enough. I've no idea when the party is and, I'm not about to quote a price if they want a show on a Saturday, say in July or August, when I'd be more than likely working a bigger fair, festival, or company picnic (and making a living). I still have no idea what they might be hoping to spend. Undaunted, but definitely a little exasperated, I send another response trying to gather more information, which all too frequently, garners this response. "July." [SIGH!]
 I've said it before and I'll say it again. "You have to do a whole lot of work to get a little bit of work in show business."
"God, Inc. (Part One)" by Francis Stokes
You may remember me talking about friend & colleague, Francis Stokes. He's a very talented and quite funny man, living out in L.A. and working very hard to become an even harder-working filmmaker. His film, Buttleman, was one of the projects I pimped out here a few times in the past.
Well kids, now, at YouTube, you can all check out a very funny series of short films created by Frank. If you've got about 3 minutes and 38 seconds of time to spare and need a good laugh, please check out the talents of budding writer/director Francis Stokes by watching episode one of "God, Inc."
Afterwards, why not stop by Frank's website (a blog site) and tell him how much you enjoyed his film? While you're at it, remind him that he really needs to give me a call and use me in some projects. Lord knows I work cheap. Check back for information on the next installment of this clever and funny series.
Ten Things Tuesday: Most Returned Christmas Gifts of 2006
- Tickle Me K-Fed
- My First Empty Plastic Bag
- Chia Bed
- "It's a shaver! It's a sex toy! It's RONCO'S VibRazor!"
- The Big Box of Sharp Objects You Can Swallow, by Playskool
- Nicotine Patch Kids
- Outbreak-Free Barbie
- Thomas Kinkade's Illustrated Joy of Sex
- iPod Rupture
- The Wisdom of George W. Bush, By Rush Limbaugh (It's being returned because it is over 1000 pages long...ALL BLANK!)
What More Can Be Said About Today?
Best Song Ever! Vol. Three, "Asshole", By Denis Leary
"No, I've gotta go out and
have fun at someone else's expense."
 Sure I could have chosen a kick-ass Christmas tune or posted something warm and fuzzy for Christmas Eve. I didn't. Why? I'm an asshole. Any asshole like me would find the humor in making this my Christmas Eve post. I don't even own this song. I frequently forget about the very existence of this tune. I've never been a huge fan of Denis Leary's comedy, though I'll confess to liking his acting work. Most comedians won't cop to enjoying Leary, generally because there's quite a lot of talk about Leary stealing Bill Hicks' act verbatim. I've no intention of getting into any of that here. You are not interested in comedy theory and so on. You want to know why this, of all songs, is the best song ever. This is the best song ever because it is just so wonderfully rude and abrasive. We certainly all know people like the asshole described in the lyrics. In fact, everyone feels like being the type of asshole described in this song at one point or another. Even if we're not assholes, there are times when we really want to be and this song gives us a little permission to let off steam, if not a blueprint for exactly how to achieve such perfect asshole status. Moreover, this song is just extremely good to listen to. It is written in a manner similar to some classic Beatles tunes and has addictive chords and harmonies. I am always a big fan of beauty ruined by startling ugliness. "Asshole" is a fine example of such humor. I can listen to this over and over and if I'm in the car I can yell out the chorus as if it were an empowering anthem of freedom. I know...I'm an asshole.  We all want to be nice and friendly more often, but frequently are not. As people, we can tend to be extremely unkind and insensitive and I've no intention of pretending that this is always a bad thing. Sometimes we need to be a bit rude. While I'll always hope that things can be a little better, I'll never pretend that our callous behavior isn't as much a part of what makes us human. This song celebrates that dark side of everyone. So, as we all gather around the tree, open presents, and share in some family moments and good tidings, let's all remember that these wonderfully warm & fuzzy feelings of goodwill will all be gone on December 26th. Why? Because we're all assholes sometimes. I'm an asshole just for mentioning this truth about the end of the Holiday season. If you've no intention on being an asshole on December 26th, I'm quite certain someone standing in line to return a shitty gift, some out-of-town-bad-driving-fuckwad, or some dickhead with a blog will make YOU want either to be an asshole yourself, or tell that guy what an asshole he is. Listen to the Best Song Ever, "Asshole". Click the YouTube link above and enjoy the video as well. Ummm...Do I have to be an asshole and tell you that the lyrics are not safe for work? Wait, an asshole wouldn't warn you at all. Ah well, I'm not that much of an asshole.
Merry Christmas, assholes!
Labels: Best Song Ever
Britney, Paris, & Lindsay Present...The Holiday Episode of FIND THE PENGUINI!
Streamlining Samson
 There's been a lot of Samson the Gorilla news & buzz around here and my blog has seen some activity because of it all. It seemed like the right time to do a little updating and some "streamlining" in order to make it easier for anyone searching for Samson.
Not too long ago I had a chance to meet up with Joe Libertore, the man who was planning on doing a film about the most famous former resident of the Milwaukee Zoo, Samson. This film was intended to accompany the new exhibit at the Milwaukee Museum, which is set to open on December 26th. Unfortunately the museum didn't seem to think there'd be enough money in the budget for the film amenity, but Joe is confident that one day this project will be made.
We are both eager to try and arrange a meeting with myself and Sam LaMalfa, the long-time caretaker for Samson, and the man responsible for providing my family one of the most memorable days in our lives. LaMalfa has done rather a lot of work with this museum project and will be on hand at the exhibit often. Joe & I both think that it would be great to capture our meeting on film and I would love to simply be able to shake his hand & thank him for such a tremendous day. Here's hoping!
Here's a great story about the opening of the new museum exhibit. This was left for me as a comment from an anonymous reader and I'm very grateful for the information. This piece featured some fantastic archival photos of the mighty ape (Courtesy of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Archives) as well as a video featuring Mr. LaMalfa describing his time with Samson as well as a bit about the exhibit. There's even a forum section where people can share their own memories of Samson. I may have to drop them a line.
 My mom even sent me a stuffed Lowland Gorilla with adoption forms from the World Wildlife Fund as a Christmas present. A nice reminder of the coolest day I can recall, indeed. Seems like a whole lot of Samson going on these days.
Here are all the Samson links from my blog, in order to make researching this great creature a bit easier.
Samson Serendipity (Oct. 21, 2005). This is about when I was contacted by a writer from Milwaukee Magazine. This writer was also the first person to be able to offer up the name of the man who made our family's visit with Samson so special, Sam LaMalfa.
Audrey Hepburn, Samson the Gorilla, Deni Bonet, & Other Andy News (Feb. 24. 2006) A follow-up to the Milwaukee Magazine post, including info about the article, and an image taken from the magazine, mentioning me. There's a lot of stuff in this post, so don't be distracted by the photo of the lady with the enormous cans.
 Sixteen Years Ago Today (April 1, 2006) This is a reprinting of the story I wrote and originally published at The Cheers, "Samson". For the life of me I can't seem to get all the apostrophes and quotation marks to stop doing that weird rtf/html/snafu thing. So if you'd like to read a better, cleaner version of the piece click HERE.
Subject: An Article I Wrote About Samson for The Cheers (June 24, 2006) This is the post talking about Joe Libertore and his idea for a film. I'm certain this will happen one day.
Again, the link to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about the "Samson Remembered" exhibit.
The latest post, added November 24, 2007 regarding the PBS program, "Samson: Then & Now" featuring yours truly! Labels: Milwaukee County Zoo, Milwaukee Public Museum, Sam LaMalfa, Samson the Gorilla
Cleaning House
Thanks to the following folks for recently adding me to their blogrolls or for mentioning me in their posts.
Welcome D-Man to my blogroll. He found me through Golfwidow and our podcast. So far as I can tell, he's quite possibly the smartest person in the whole world. He has also been kind enough to pimp out our podcast on his blog and that's just most excellent.
The Flirtatious Feline thanked me for sending her some contest prizes. I was just glad someone even tried to enter one of my contests. She didn't get the answer right, but she won. Why? Because I said so!
Jade thanked me for sending her a Christmas card. She don't come around much anymore, but I know she still cares about Andy Land. She's been busy at her new job, busy with kids, busy with the holidays - she's a busy lady.
 Ole Blue, Gordon, and Glenn Bishop are always linking me for various reasons and they are all way overdue for some blog-whoring and thanks. In fact, Gordon just recently did a little podcast pimping for us and he deserves a little extra linky love.
I also owe some thanks to the mighty Kungfu Kitten for so graciously accepting her "I'm Podcrapular!" Award and making mention of the latest podcast. She's a good winner to be sure.
OOohh Yeah! The First Official Piece of New Promo Will Be Out Soon!
 Card Front. Click for Larger ImageI just placed my order for the new Andy Martello Collector's Card! I can't quite say when I'll have them in my grubby little hands, but I can share with you some images of what the card will look like. This year, the folks at the Superstar Performers website went with a considerably more edgy, more "modern" collector's card design. The background will be the same for everyone; a kind of asphalt or pavement thing and the borders and such will have the appearance of sidewalk chalk or spray paint. I think this is mostly because many of the people who get these cards are primarily street performers. My card, of course, will be the coolest card on the planet and EVERYONE should want one. This will be the first piece of mass-produced promo to feature some of the new photos. Brochures will be out shortly.
Ten Things Tuesday: Lesser-Known Christmas Carols
- A VERY White Christmas, by Michael Richards
- I'm Getting Herpes for Christmas
- Fuck Hannukah, It's CHRISTMAS!
- Good King Fuck My Ass
- Oh Little Town of Fallujah
- Fucking Jews Ruined My Christmas, By Mel Gibson & the Sugar Tits
- All I Want for Christmas is a Three-way
- We Three Quim, By Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton
- It's Beginning to look A Lot Like Dysentery
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Dick Cheney Shot in the Face
So you won't hear any of those songs on the radio. So what? If you want to hear something that really kicks major ass, listen to the latest "Podcrapular!" podcast. It's very funny and full of great holiday vibrations, some of which may tickle your potty.
PODCRAPULAR!
 This week will mark the 10th podcast by myself and Golfwidow. We seem to be gathering a few more listeners every week, and in theory, we get a little better at making this "compelling radio" stuff.
Well friends, we now have an "official" name for the program. After much deliberation we finally decided on "Podcrapular!" Why? Because the show truly is podcrapular. If you're not really good at something, but you somehow manage to have a lot of fun anyway, it is only fitting to make up a word worthy of describing your creation. Our podcast is podcrapular and therefore should be called "Podcrapular".
By the way, if I type the word "Podcrapular" just a few more times the spell-checker program on this blog will burst into flames. COOL!
Not only do we have a new name, but we received our first listener submission this week. Kungfu Kitten was kind enough to submit her very own dick joke to the program. Since dick jokes have become something of a staple of the show, she took it upon herself to share her own favorite one. With the realization that we have more than the few listeners we were already aware of having (Bud Buckley, Mom, D-Man...) and the excitement of being blindly sent some content to share with the world, we created the "I'm Podcrapular Award!"
You can see the silly little website award above. This trophy, a badge of honor really, will be sent to folks who have been deemed especially podcrapular by us. We will also be sure to pimp your blog or other websites on the show so people can learn all about your bad selves. You can do just about anything to get one of these things. Sending us jokes or other mp3 files, pimping out our show on your own blog, making us laugh - all are ways to get this soon-to-be coveted award.
All submissions should be sent to our new e-mail address, podcrapular@gmail.com. If you are sending an audio file, mp3 is the preferred format.
 In other Podcrapular news, we have established our very own Podcrapular site at MySpace.com. Yeah, yeah, I know that I said awhile back on the show that I HATE MySpace. So sue me. We're trying to use the available popular marketing tools to gain listeners and maybe one day, find people to spend a few bucks on our books...Say...Golfwidow's EXTREMELY entertaining book, "Getting My Think On" & other merchandise.
In any event, we have every intention of really using the MySpace page to move the project along nicely and we would love it if those of you with your own MySpace pages would add us to your "Friends" list. We'll be happy to do the same.
"It's Copyright Infringement, Charlie Brown!"
The forgotten Peanuts film. This has been floating around the net for awhile. Mah Two Cents was the place I recently found it and therefore I shall send you there to see it for yourself. Very funny indeed!
Best Song Ever! Vol. Two, "A Life of Illusion", By Joe Walsh
"I just can't help but feeling
I'm living a life of illusion."
Really, we all know that I could (and I probably will) name MANY Joe Walsh songs as the "Best Song Ever!" I have chosen to go with "A Life of Illusion" for a variety of reasons.  Maybe it is because we had the film, "The 40 year Old Virgin", on in the background while I strung the lights on the tree Tuesday. It is the opening tune in that film and I got it in my head. Luckily, I can listen to this song all damn day and never get sick of it. Joe Walsh is one of my heroes. He's an extremely intelligent man who has done some spectacularly stupid things. He's wildly talented and equally as underrated. He is also responsible for some of the most amazing rock music ever recorded. With the exception of the rock music thing, I can relate to him in a lot of ways. He's known more for being a guitar god, yet this song is not one anyone would ever reference as a great example of six string prowess. It is actually quite different from many of Joe Walsh's better-known hit songs. Aside from the lyrical content and the distinctive voice, most people would never even think this is a Walsh song at all. Rather than offering up some scorching licks on the guitar, it is very subdued and melodic, making you do the Muppet head bopping thing, if I may quote Golfwidow. It even features some synthesized horn parts, which were actually more common in the early 1980's. I often think about drinking a cold beer & watching a sunset over the ocean whenever I hear this song. Of course, I picture the song as the soundtrack to my own life and therefore I'm watching that sunset and drinking that beer while contemplating just how I managed to live through another horrible blunder of stupidity. In the video there would be flashbacks of IRS audits, girlfriends slapping me for some infringement, and maybe a montage of times my car broke down in remote locations as I was trying to make it to a gig. Somehow, by the song's end I'm content and unharmed because I understand that things in my life are just a bit different. There will be many great songs by Joe Walsh on this list of addictive songs. This one will always be special to me because it was one of my favorite songs long before I was a true Joe Walsh fan.  When I was a kid, just starting to get into rock music, I would listen to "89, WLS Chicago", back when they were a rock station, and record cassettes of my favorite songs. I know that this was on one tape, as was "Heartache Tonight" by Eagles, & future "Best Song Ever!", Joe Walsh's "All Night Long." Only when I caught "All Night Long" on tape did I even know the name of the singer. "Here's Joe Walsh by request..." Later I was so happy to learn that some other songs I played over and over had some connection to a guy who would become one of my all-time favorite artists. Sadly, in the MANY times I've been fortunate enough to see Joe Walsh in concert, he has never played this song. There are a few of his hits I've never heard live, but I'm hopeful. Maybe it is because it is a lesser-known hit for him and that I've never heard it in concert that makes me enjoy this one so much. Listen to a sample of this and other Joe Walsh songs at Amazon.com. You'll be glad you did. Why? Because "A Life of Illusion" is the BEST SONG EVER!Best Song Ever! Vol. One, "Music Time", By Styx
Well Now I Might Just Have to See "Happy Feet"
 I was planning on checking this one out when it comes out on video. However, now that I've heard the film is actually liberal propaganda disguised as a wholesome family movie, how can I not run out and buy a ticket?
This story, posted at a site called firedoglake, was sent to me by Eric of the Louie Louie Blog.
I always knew penguins were more progressive. They are the coolest birds out there after all. We've all heard about the openly gay penguins out there. I doubt those penguins are very conservative.
About the only conservative/penguin combo I can remember was when the religious right was trying to bastardize "March of the Penguins" and use it to reinforce family values.
Thanks to Eric for the link.
Ten Things Tuesday (Wednesday Edition): Christmas Tree Totals
Bet You've Never Won a "Golden Mustard Award"
 Click on the Pic for a Larger ImageThanks to Golfwidow, who never misses ANYTHING important in the world, I was made aware of my recent award from the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum. You can read all about this as well as get caught up on all the mustard news that's fit to print by reading the December issue of their newsletter. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter. That way, you'll always keep abreast (or some other body part) of all the mustardy goodness in the world. I'd like to thank April for all her support, Golfwidow for the heads-up (I don't subscribe to the newsletter because I suck), Poupon University, Col. Mustard who told me about this in the Billiard Parlor... Speaking of Golfwidow, our latest, longest, and possibly most hilarious podcast is up right now. Ummm...it's kind of offensive if you don't like intelligent people using potty mouths. To me it's just damn funny. It is a bit longer than we usually record because we were having that much fun. We also give a few shout-outs to some fellow bloggers such as Kim & Jade, and possibly a few others. I guess you'll just have to listen to know if we're using our potty mouths to talk about YOU. Labels: Mount Horeb Mustard Museum, National Mustard Museum
Chicago: The City That Works!
Many thanks to Eric of LouieLouie.net, The Louie Report, and Rantical for sending me THIS!
Of Course I Have a Video of a Backpack-Wearing Penguin Shopping for Fish
I'm heading to Cleveland, Ohio for a booking today (Gig tomorrow, drive today). Since there's at least three opportunities for me to get crushed by lake-effect snow, I thought I'd post this penguin video instead of yelling at God for a good weekend. I'm hopeful this bit of fun works as well as my ranting prayer.
Best Song Ever! Vol. One, "Music Time", By Styx
"Hey everybody it's music time!"
 Anyone who reads this blog regularly (a few of you) and remembers the things they read here (none of you) will recall I was thinking about starting a regular or at least semi-regular segment around here called "Best Song Ever!" Don't believe me? CLICK HERE, DAMMIT!A quick recap - I have many songs that for reasons I can't quite explain, I can listen to over and over again without even thinking about listening to something else. Sometimes the songs "make sense" to the people who get stuck listening to them several times with me. Some of them "make no sense at all" according to my friends. I'm reminded that the definition of insanity is to do the exact same thing over and over, but expect different results. With these songs, I do the same thing over and over by listening to them so damned often, but I expect the same results every time. The result I expect is to come to the conclusion that the song is the Best Song Ever! So where does that leave me? Let's get the ball rolling with one of those "makes no sense at all" songs; the forgotten Styx hit, "Music Time". This song was the last hit song for the band before they broke up, reunited, had another hit or two, broke up again, reunited again without Dennis DeYoung and are now...Ah who gives a damn, "Music Time" is the Best Song Ever! Released in 1981 as the only studio track and the only new single from the "Caught in the Act" double album, the song had modest success if any at all. When it came out I was living in the stone age, top 40 radio hell known as Marengo, Illinois and I heard the song a lot. I even saw the video, which was bizarre because we didn't have cable nor MTV in our house. So Friday Night Videos & Casey Kasem must have played it plenty for me to even have seen the thing. The video was freakishly strange, as was the song. I can't remember a damn thing about the video other then I thought it was so completely unlike anything I'd ever seen Styx do before. I was one of those people who thought the whole "Kilroy Was Here" experiment was kind of cool, if not really, REALLY pretentious. That being said, this song was a complete departure from traditional Styx songs. The song was very frantic and more pop-driven than anything else. There was a hell of a lot of screaming electric guitar work and not as much synthesizer. The lyrics were very silly by way of comparison. Sure, the band had a song called "Plexiglass Toilet" some years before they were famous, but who the hell even knew that other than me and fans of the Doctor Demento Show? The song was also not some kind of epic showcase of Dennis DeYoung's powerful voice. It was designed to be a fun, crazy, dance song. It has several similarities to other 80's hits. The Pointer Sisters song, "Neutron Dance" comes to mind as do a couple of Huey Lewis & the News songs, "Couple Days Off" (Musically) and "I Know What I Like" (Lyrically).  For whatever reason this remains my FAVORITE Styx song. I was a big fan of Styx as a kid and still upon occasion find myself indulging in the guilty pleasures of the often self-indulgent, occasionally over-produced, Styx catalogue ( "Snowblind" fucking ROCKS!). Perhaps it is because this song is rarely played anywhere anymore or remembered at all that makes me go nuts to hear it repeatedly (like I am while writing this post). For whatever reason, this is the Styx song I'll defend to the death and deem worthy of "Best Song Ever!" status. Deal with it! You can listen to "Music Time" for free at Rhapsody and mock me for it mercilessly later. In fact you can have a listen to the entire "Caught in the Act" album one time there if you've got a yearning for some live Styx action. Labels: Best Song Ever
I Simply Can't Stop Listening to This Song
Deni Bonet is infinitely cooler than I'll ever be. Lord knows she's a go-zillion times more talented and successful.
In any event, I stopped by her blog the other day, having not stopped by in far too long nor listened to her podcast in a good long while.
I decided to click on her "Listen to This" selection, a song she freely encourages you to download and share with everyone. Now I find myself listening to it often, likely because the very title of the song is the exact phrase that has been going through my head ever since April and I found out that our apartment complex has decided to become a low income housing residence and we're expected to leave when our lease expires.
Ten Things Tuesday: Things You Don't Want to See Hanging On a Christmas Tree
 Tampons- Garland made from Orville Redenbacher himself
- Judy Garland
- Jeff Garlin
- Dead kittens
- Flavor Flav's discarded gold teeth
- A Baldwin brother (other than Stephen)
- Magic Eye photo ornaments
- One Thousand Monkey Heads
- Hustler Magazine's "Girls of the Nativity" ornament set (Leave it to Larry Flynt to put naked women on glass balls. And let me just say right now, that Mary...NICE RACK! Virgin Mary? I think not!)
What Happened this Weekend? WHO CARES? A New PODCAST Is Up!
I do this because "pop culture references" are just ONE of the topics of conversation in the latest and greatest of the podcasts featuring my new steady girlfriend, ( No really, we are. Read her blog to find out why.) Golfwidow. Do you want to know what else we manage to talk about in less than 40 minutes? Here are just a few random samples for you (Phrases, subjects, etc.). - Golfwidow's Book
- Fisting Kittens (or is it Kitten-fisting?)
- Diet Coke vs. Diet Pepsi (and a big up for Coke Zero)
- The New James Bond film
- Fisting Grandma
- Mr. Rogers Neighborhood (Be warned, there's a LOT of sick interpretations of characters in the Land of Make Believe)
- For Your Consideration
- The J. Geils Band
- Pretty much as many fisting jokes as one man can make
AND MANY MORE!  Now whenever some commercial adds a "AND MANY MORE" or something similar, don't you wonder what really is in there? I know I do. What I'll do is give you some of that "MORE". We've decided we need a new name for the podcast. Golfwidow just can't let me out of my contract and she's decided I must remain as a permanent fixture, thereby creating a need to change the name. We're currently taking suggestions from YOU! We may even come up with prizes to send out. Who knows? What else? WELL...This week we debut our first "produced" segment, and we use the word "produced" VERY LOOSELY. The segment? Real
Porn
AUDIO!
Lack of polish not withstanding, this segment will not only become a regular feature on the podcrap, but is destined go "go down" in the "annals" of broadcasting history as being one of the funniest pieces of comedy audio EVER! I suppose I should just tease you with the name alone. However, I feel you should know what you're getting into here. Each segment is a short clip of audio stolen from some porn clip I found online. This isn't necessarily the stuff you'd expect to hear though. This is the oddball stuff said before, during, or after the sex. You may not know that there's actual dialogue or any sort of chatter in these films, because you're always fast-forwarding to the good stuff. Thankfully, I have found the good stuff you were not even aware of before. In fact, for some of you out there, this may be your first exposure to porn and we're PROUD to bring it to you.
Good Lord!
Travel thus far has been easy-going. Of course, I can't really say much else because I went out to a bar with the entertainers after the show on Friday and have THREE shows Saturday and two on Sunday (two in Milwaukee, one in Oregon, IL, and a drive BACK to the Milwaukee area for two shows on Sunday) and I'm certain I should be asleep now.
OH MAN!
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