What Are They Thinking?

I'll remove the town name to protect the well-intentioned client. Read this request for services and see if it all sounds a bit too risky for any reasonable person. I can't see a comedian taking this gig nor an audience enjoying this one. I CAN see where future Klansmen might come from and where a lot of lawsuits can be filed. So at least they've got that going for them. PLUS, they plan on raising a lot of money, but somehow I doubt they have any money to spend on entertainment.

Gig Type: Fund Raiser
Entertainment Needed: Comedian
City: SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD
Venue: An Elementary School
Date: April 2007

Duration: 0.5 hours

Description: This may be somewhat of a different type of request. I am
the head of the ####### Elementary School PTO (Parent Teacher
Organization). We are in the process of planning this years International Dinner
(an event where we serve a buffet dinner with foods from different
countries and children perform ethnic entertainment).

Anyhow, we are
looking for someone to write some simple clean ethnic jokes that a 4th or 5th
grader could read or, a comdian that will internact on stage in a
comedy routine with a child (age 7 - 11)doing ethnic related jokes. Again,
it would be important to make it funny but not insulting.

We held our first dinner last year and over sold our tickets 300+ people attended.
This year, we are moving the show to the Middle School so that we can
have more guests attend. We also had an International Market at the event
that raised over $2,000. This year, we would like to raise about
$3,000. All of the proceeds would go directly back to the school to better
the education of our children. We have a number of low income families
so, we are always looking at ways to help buy materials and bring in
programs to the school through PTO funds so that we do not have to ask
parents to give money or pay for things when they don't always have the
funds to do so. If you could get back to me to let me know if you would be
able to help us out.

Search status: just started looking
Decision planned: within the next couple months

This has got to be one of those classic "Road to Hell/Good Intentions" kind of things, right? Are these low income families so needful of attention and funding that they're willing to sit through a bunch of grade school kids telling ethnic jokes on stage? Sure, they're saying that they don't want to have any insulting humor, but really...as much as I want a world where political correctness goes away and we can all start telling Polish jokes again, is this REALLY the best way to raise cash and set an example for our kids?

Is this even possible, to have youngsters telling jokes based upon ethnic heritage and not offend someone? I'm sure it must be possible, right? I'm a hell of a good writer and very funny, but I can't imagine ANYONE being able to write a bunch of friendly, non-threatening, and insult-free ethnic jokes suitable for elementary school kids. Maybe I'm just too cynical, but this one seems like a powder keg to me.

I didn't even submit a bid.

Nobody Would Have Thought Nick Cage Was a Gay Superhero

OK, the new Superman movie is finally out. In fact, in the weels leading up to the release, all anyone could talk about was if Superman himself was "out".

Much has been made about a possible new "gay sub-plot" nestled within the recent release. I guess anything to get a little more interest in a 300 million+ project. There's even a "hint" found within the current line of Topps trading cards, if we're to believe the "out of the broom closet" caption on one card.

Some of us knew Superman was gay all along. Here's a rather unpolished (but funny) sketch from a short-lived sketch comedy group I used to be in called, Mr. X's Briefcase. Gay superheroes are really nothing new. I believe the term for such fiction is "slash". Either way, enjoy this sketch and be kind. It was in the editing and rewriting phase by the time the group went kaput.

Superman & Lex Luthor:
The Final Conflict

[Scene: A meeting between Superman and Lex Luthor in the Fortress of Solitude. Lex thinks he’s there to discuss their troubled past. Superman wants to discuss their future.]

[doorbell rings. Futuristic sound of a door opening can be heard]

SUPERMAN
Ahh Lex! I’m glad you could make it. Thanks for coming.

LEX
Alright Superman, why did you bring me out here? [pause] You’re not going to kick my ass again are you?

SUPERMAN
No, [laughing] I have something I'd like to tell you. Please, sit down.

LEX
[laughing too.] Hey, nice Fortress. Personally, I would have chosen a place closer to the city, but that’s just me. I hate a long commute. Look, can we move this along? I have a bank robbery scheduled at 4:00 and you KNOW how I hate to miss an appointment.

SUPERMAN
Would you care for a drink?

LEX
Ah, yes if you’re having one. [loud cork popping noise]

SUPERMAN
Champagne ok with you?

LEX
Champagne? What's the occasion?

SUPERMAN
Well I'm celebrating something special and I thought I'd share it with you.

LEX
Great. What is it? You finally gonna retire or something?

SUPERMAN
Oh no. Actually, Lex...I've fallen in love.

LEX
Yeah. I know. Lois Lane. It's no big secret y'know.

SUPERMAN
No it's not Lois. [laughing] Shall we toast?

LEX
[nervous] Uh...what shall we drink to?

SUPERMAN
Let’s drink to…new beginnings. [glasses clink] Come on...drink up.

LEX
Oh God [getting creeped out!] Eewww, oh God, ick! No, no, no! Oh geez Superman why? I’m a criminal mastermind, a straight criminal mastermind! You are Superman. You’re the ‘Man of Steel’ for God’s sake- OH GOD!!!

SUPERMAN
Now, Lex I know this may come as a shock to you…but… I’ve always been this way. I’ve had to live a lie for all these years.

LEX
But what about Lois, a-and Lana? What about all the stories?

SUPERMAN
Hello? What about Jimmy Olson? Christ, I wear blue spandex tights, and I'm ALWAYS changing my hair. What more do you need?

LEX
Yeah but ME? Why, Superman, why?

SUPERMAN
Well…you know how it goes. You spend a lot of time with someone and you start to see him in a different light. Don’t you feel the same way?

LEX
NO! I still want to kill you, more now than ever!

SUPERMAN
Oh, Lex, please! You've been to prison. You know what it's like. Besides, you have been obsessed with me for years.

LEX
I’ve been obsessed with destrying you, NOT...Oh God this is a nightmare!



SUPERMAN
Lex, you can’t tell me that you never got even a little turned on all those times you had me wrapped up in chains, dangling your Kryptonite in front of me. My glistening muscles weakening in your grasp. My hair tussled, my defenses down, my life [clears throat] in your... hands.

LEX
I think I’m going to be sick!

SUPERMAN
Lex, try to understand! I’m just so attracted to you! I can’t help myself. I'm sure we can make a go of it. [flirting] You know, if you remove the letter ‘U’ from Superman you get ‘Sperman’ [pron: Sperm-man] How about it tiger?

LEX
Oh this is just disgusting!

SUPERMAN
All those years, defeating your plans...the thought of you behind bars, all caged up like the animal that you are. Sometimes I’d use my X-ray vision to watch you in the prison weight room and the shower.

LEX
That’s IT! I’ve had enough! I want to go home now! [heads for door]

SUPERMAN
Lex, wait! Stay for dinner. I warmed up the fondue pot. I made Tiramisu for dessert.

LEX
NO! I’m leaving now [beating on door] Let me outof here!

SUPERMAN
Lex, you’re not leaving! There’s got to be a way to work this out. Besides, where are you going to go? There’s not a town for miles. There’s a storm coming in tonight and it’ll be hours before you get back to Metropolis. Why not stay? Have some dinner. I’ll make a fire. [laser-beam SFX]

LEX
Dammit, I swear that when I get out of here I’m going straight to the Daily Planet and tell them everything! How would you like that if I outted you to the whole world!

SUPERMAN
Go to the Planet, I’m sure they’ll believe you [laughing] There's a phone on the desk. Why not call Clark Kent? [giggling] I'm sure he'd love to hear this. [more giggling]

LEX
[long pause] Oh my God. You mean you...

SUPERMAN
Mmm-hmm

LEX
...and Clark...

SUPERMAN
Uh huh

LEX
[astonished] Clark Kent is GAY???

SUPERMAN
[laughing] Oh Lex...you are a caution. How about that dinner?

LEX
[yelling] DAMMIT, Superman! Now I'n only going to say this ONCE. I’m STRAIGHT! I don’t like guys! Do you hear me? It will NEVER work out between us.

SUPERMAN
[giving up, getting sad] But Lex… [tearing up, trying not to cry] Don’t you know how difficult this is for me? [long pause] You bastard! I thought that…oh God, I look like a fool [holding back hysterical tears] I’ve gotta get out of here! [running sounds. Superman runs into the bathroom and locks the door]

LEX
[feeling like a jerk] Oh geez! [walks toward bathroom] Superman? Hey Superman, come out of there. Come on, don’t cry.

SUPERMAN
I’m not crying [sniffing sounds are heard]

LEX
Yes you are. I can see you through the crystal doors! [under breath] Please, I’m…uh, I’m sorry. I just was a little startled that’s all. Come on, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. [long pause] Superman will you PLEASE come out?

SUPERMAN
I just did. You were appalled. Remember?

LEX
That's not what I mean! Come out of there right now! [pause, door opens] Now Superman, I-gosh, I can’t believe I’m saying this…I never meant to hurt you. It’s just that…well, I’m straight. That’s all there is to it. It just wouldn’t work out.

SUPERMAN
[sniffing] But all these years, everything we’ve shared. Where am I going to find anyone like you.

LEX
But I do still need you. [trying to lighten it up] You make me a better criminal. You’re the only hero out there who offers me a challenge. I wouldn’t try so hard if it weren't for you. You’re the reason I stay in the old crime game.

SUPERMAN
You’re just saying that.

LEX
No it’s true! In a way, we’ve already got a relationship that’s too good to be true. We are a perfect match. [Superman gets excited, Lex stops him] BUT we’re destined to be just friends, uh enemies. Best enemies. Forever. [pause] I wouldn’t want it any other way. We’d screw up everything if we tried to take it to another level.

SUPERMAN
[sad, but composing himself] OK, I’m sorry for springing this on you so suddenly. I shouldn’t have-

LEX
Shhh. It’s forgotten.

SUPERMAN
Lex…if you WERE-

LEX
You’d be the first superhero I’d want! Trust me. [pause] Well, no sense in letting good good food go to waste. How about some of that fondue?

SUPERMAN
OK. You know, you’re always talking taking over the world. I promise you, if you ever change your mind…we can have the world.

LEX
I know. I know. [love theme from Supermanunderneath].

Red Oak Nature center

A couple weeks ago April and I happened to stumble upon the Red Oak Nature Center, which was not at all far from our front door. A short drive to North Aurora, Illinois finds you right in the middle of some beautiful scenery, interactive exhibits, miles of bike trails, and one of the only caves in the Chicagoland area.

OK, it's not much of a cave. This photo is about the most impressive one of the bunch. However it is a real cave and it was a joy to find.

There are many great walking trails and everywhere I looked I seemed to find some beautiful trees and other fauna to enjoy. Loads of birds and fuzzy critters line the wooded landscape and the beautiful river running through the Fox Valley is always a treat.

I'm looking forward to seeing much more of this place as it is all free and loads of fun. Plus, once you're there, you are a short drive away from the Philips Park Zoo. So how can you go wrong?

I Had a Lovely Post for You

However, since either Blogger or my connection sucks, I cannot upload any of the photos that would accompany the lovely post.

Therefore, you get a heaping bucket of JACK and a healthy portion of SHIT for your reading pleasure.

Why?

I don't feel like coming up with anything else, even though I'm sure I've got all sorts of goodies to share with you.

Oh yeah, all 8 of my readers are just bubbling with excitement now.

Ten Things Tuesday: Bloggers that Don't Come Around Much Anymore

Maybe it's because I don't comment much at their own sites.

Maybe it's because they're too busy.

Most likely it has something to do with me being a total prick.

Regardless, here are ten bloggers that don't visit or comment

as much as they used to "back in the day".

I miss them all.

• Doyle Brooks, of Corporate Crap & Other Dubious Wisdom - I know he's been way busy of late, but I miss him nonetheless.
• Christine, of Bitchitude - Same thing. She's got some weird login thing if you try to go to her blog now. Keeping out the riff-raff like me, no doubt.
• Becky - She never forgave me for telling her that her box office money was better spent on "March of the Penguins" instead of "Must Love Dogs". The truth hurts I guess. lol Plus she moved and everyone gets into new routines when they move.
• Jessica, of Swedeheart Stories - I don't go there as much because there are all sorts of pop-ups trying to break through my pop-up blocker. Besides, come November she'll take down her blog and replace it with the exact same blog under a new name and I'll forget to update my links list and everything starts over. lol I always miss her when she's not around though. She makes me breathe funny!
• Kim, from Bacon & Eh's - Sure, she loses all that weight and now has no time for a guy like me. TYPICAL! ;) Still a great read from Canada she's got there. I get over when I can and I always recommend you do the same.
• Kim, from My 10 Kid Family/I wasn't Always Like This - She's always got a good excuse no matter what it is. There's always some sort of 5-alarm fire going on at her house. Plus she's all officially married now and lord knows that if she hung around here too much she'd leave that guy in a heartbeat. I'm one sexy bitch!
• Deni Bonet, from Last Girl on Earth - She never came around a lot, but I wish she would. She just makes me smile. She's also the busiest working entertainer I know and I'mhoping some of that will rub off on me. I don't get over there as much as I'd like because her page takes forever to load with me on dial-up and she also has some plug-ins that muck up the works for me. When I'm there I love what I read.
• 3T, from Stumbling Through Life With Grace - She's also got a lot on her plate. Plus she's such a babe I could forgive her for just about anything. I don't get over to her site nearly as much as I should. But I'm so ugly I know she'll never forgive me. lol
• Donavan Freberg of Demented Tidbits & Non-Dairy Creamer - OK, Stan Freberg's son, Donavan, NEVER visited my blog and I doubt he ever will. But he's got a wicked sense of humor and he just seems like the kind of guy I'd get along with a bit too well for mankind to safely endure.
• Jade, of Jaded Sunburns - She's also got way too much crapola going on in her life these days to waste any precious time over here. That being said, she used to be one of my mainstays in the commenting world and now...nuthin'. lol

Andy Martello: A Testimonial

I just discovered that a previous client was kind enough to leave some positive feedback about my act at Gigmasters, the booking referral website where she found me. Since I'm always up for reading good things said about me I thought I'd share it here. Who knows? Maybe someone interested in hiring a comedian/juggler/fire-eater/plate-spinner guy will read this and give me a call.


"Andy was hired for a Boy Scout 50th anniversary celebration. Current scouts, past Eagle scouts and their young families, cub scouts and leaders of all ages from the last 50 years were in attendance.

All I can say is WOW! The children, the Boy Scouts, the young parents, the older parents, the empty nesters, the Pastors; EVERYONE was thoroughly entertained and gave me feedback of "EXCELLENT" on hiring him.

I would recommend him for any type of event. Good clean fun and entertainment. He is quite a comedian along with his acts. No one should hesitate in hiring him.

DiAnn Behrens, 50th Anniversary Coordinator, Troop 92, Lake Zurich, IL
--D B.
Lake Zurich, IL"

Mickey-Lu

Do you like hamburgers? Are you planning a trip to the Upper Penninsula of Michigan or perhaps just as far as Marinette, Wisconsin? If so, you should really do yourself a favor and get a taste of the delictible hamburgers and tasty milkshakes found at Mickey-Lu.

My older brother recommended this one to me back when I was heading up to do that comedy show at Pasquali's. I stopped. I ate. I went back there on my way home.

Tiny, tasty burgers, that are dirt-cheap & made with love. Get them with everything so you can enjoy the extra little pat of butter nestled in between the home made buns.

Of course, others have written about this place and I'll just direct you to one of those websites. Many more photos there to amuse you on this Sunday.

Subject: An Article I wrote About Samson for The Cheers

That's the subject line of an e-mail I received this week from a man who worked for a video production company in Wisconsin. The story? "Samson". The rest of the story? Read the e-mail.
(Links are added for your reading and viewing pleasure.)

Good morning Andy,

You still have the Orange!?!?!

I found your article very interesting. Our production company is
currently with the Milwaukee Public Museum on a documentary idea about
Samson. They currently have his skeletal remains and are working on a
large Gorilla exhibit - the centerpiece, of course, will be Samson -
the taxidermist is working on a VERY lifelike recreation right now!

I enjoyed the story - it could be a fun to weave the story throughout
the "historical" elements of the documentary - in the end , the Museum
want's to give kids the ability to see what you were witness to - the
sheer size of Samson and the enjoyment he brought to people.

By the way, Sam LaMalfa is very involved in this project - I'll pass
along your article if he hasn't seen it yet.

We're still in the fund raising stage, but the exhibit is set to open
early next year, so we don't have a lot of time...

I'll keep you posted, that Orange could be very important... please
don't eat it!

You may recall that since writing that piece for The Cheers I've had a few different intriguing responses, including a small mention in a Milwaukee Magazine article. This new development could be the most exciting thing to happen since I fed that great ape all those years ago.

I'll be sure to keep you posted!

I've had a trade show booking most all of this week.

Tonight, I not only had the full day at McCormick Place,

but a gig afterwards.

I'm tired and I have to be up early tomorrow for one more day at the show.

So enjoy this kissy-face photo of me and April taken

during my birthday trip.

This was snapped while on The Son of Beast,

one wickedly evil roller coaster!

Random Celebrity Memories! Vol. Eight: Buddy Guy

TWO POSTS TODAY!

Be sure to read them both at your leisure.

I believe THE INTERVIEW, with Andy Martello is officially moving down the old post listing today. It will certainly be there until MICHAEL writes enough posts to send it to the archives. Either way, since I've been using that interview as the inspiration for theme posts this week, today will not be any exception.

If you don't know who Buddy Guy is then I'm afraid we'll have to stop being friends. OK, it's not that big a deal to me, but really, get rid of the crap in your CD collection and get some basic blues knowledge.

I'll not sugar-coat this nor lie to you. I didn't actually meet Buddy Guy. I did get to work with him and looking at it, I was actually being paid to hear him play. Not a bad deal all told. This all happened a few years back at the Downtown Sheraton in Chicago.

It was another Blues Brothers gig for me and my partner, Jim. A simple enough booking really - we'd do a little meet & greet with the party guests during dinner and then perform a three-song set of Blues Brothers tunes to warm up the audience for their headliner, who was a complete and total secret, even to us.

We were to do our set and then lead the people into the next room where there were bars, desserts, and their secret special guest. The end client didn't want a living soul to know who the surprise guest was and she wouldn't even tell us for fear that we'd ruin her surprise.

We played along until the night of the show where we explained to her that she was the only person at her company that we knew and we really wanted to know who the guest was. I believe we made up some story about how it would affect our performance and guarantee we didn't accidentally blow the show for her. Total bullshit, but it got us the name.

She told us it was the legendary blues guitarist, Buddy Guy. We were both impressed and very pleased we didn't know who it was ahead of time. I mean, really, we're a great Blues Brothers act, but that has more to do with how much fun we have on stage and less to do with our singing ability. So naturally I was pleased to be spared of weeks worth of panic about having to pretend to sing the blues in front of a guy that practically invented them. Good news: I was going to open for Buddy Guy. Bad News: By comparison I suck!

We did our set to the usual fantastic applause and laughter from the crowd. As we were singing, I kept noticing a partition in the wall next to the stage opening up, with a head peering out to watch. Every time it was Buddy Guy watching us perform rather hackneyed but enjoyable versions of Gimme Some Lovin', Soul Man, & Sweet Home Chicago. He seemed to be enjoying our performance and nodding in approval, which made me happy.

When the last notes of Sweet Home Chicago were played and the applause died down we were to start bringing everyone over to reveal their surprise guest. It was then where I realized one of the reasons Buddy Guy was checking us out.

As our song ended, he immediately jumped in and continued to play Sweet Home Chicago in the same key. To anyone in attendance, the music never stopped and it helped draw in the crowds. Like the Pied Piper of the Blues, Buddy Guy picked up where we left off and started singing once the majority of the crowd was there. No into for him. No bravado. Just kick-ass blues music being played by a legend.

He was very gracious to take some time to get the crowd to thank the Blues Brothers once again for the show and even let out an enthusiastic, "Man, were they good!" He could have been full of crap. He could have meant that the REAL Blues Brothers were good. I chose to believe he was sincere and he more than approved of our program. It just makes me feel better.

I know that the audience was warmed up because we really cooked that night. We also had a lot of folks asking why we weren't singing with Buddy. Some even were disappointed we weren't. We just explained that they were in the presence of royalty and would get over the loss. We stuck around in the back of the room to hear some of the show and he rocked the house.

Random Celebrity Photos! Vol. Eight: Russ Tamblyn

Today's Random Celebrity Photos are of veteran character actor, Russ Tamblyn. Mr. Tamblyn is an extremely gifted actor and has been in the acting game most of his life. I'd always heard that he was a circus acrobat as a young boy and found his way into TV and acting roles from there (He reportedly was discovered by Lloyd Bridges). He was on The Ed Sullivan Show at age six and will likely be best known for his role as Riff in the 1961 Academy Award winner, "West Side Story." I will always know him as the quirky and mysterious Dr. Jacoby from the David Lynch program, "Twin Peaks."

I found myself helping out a friend with a local cable show. I was basically running a camera while he and a few others interviewed various celebrities at a collector's show. I was the one who noticed that Russ Tamblyn was going to be there and even though we were not there to speak with him, I WAS!

Before the show started I took the time to speak with him and tell him all about our family's silly enjoyment of his work in "Twin Peaks" and other performances. My dad was always a fan of the journeyman actor and Russ Tamblyn was one of those names that would cause dad to stop switching channels and watch whatever was on.

Mr. Tamblyn was courteous and friendly and he was very willing to chat about the business with anyone coming to see him and pay for a photo. I'm sure he thought my Twin Peaks Game was bordering on the stalker side of things, but he suffered this fool gladly.

My younger brother is an even bigger fan of "Twin Peaks" than I am and I also picked up a photo for him. I have a little running gag with my brother. Over the years I've obtained quite a collection of lower echelon celebrity photos and autographs and presented them to him. Everyone from sports & political figures to Hollywood actors and models. He then puts them up on his wall somewhere and people marvel at the level of infamy they find when they visit.

I've also made it perfectly clear to Matt that in order to play this game properly (like he's really playing...He's getting this stuff and he's gonna LIKE IT!) he will NEVER get an autograph of someone REALLY, REALLY famous from me. If they are legends or currently among the biggest stars anywhere, he ain't gonna get nothing but my story about how I met so-and-so. If they are farther down the line on the celebrity list, in the waning years of their career, or just a tiny bit famous, he's getting an autographed photo. As examples: Jerry Seinfeld = Too Famous, The guy who played The Soup Nazi = Just Famous Enough. Oddly enough I met that actor as well, but didn't get my brother a photo. Oh well.

Now Russ Tamblyn, while not EXTREMELY famous, is highly respected in our family so I would never view him as someone worthy of Matt's wall of infamy. However, I couldn't meet him and NOT get a photo or something for my brother. That's just too cruel. He'd be crushed. Nothing would hurt more...Except the awful joke I played on him.

I put many of our own celebrity photos up on the wall and it looks way cool. It certainly starts the conversations when people are around. Of course my Russ Tamblyn photo is prominently displayed. When Matt came by for a visit last summer he saw the photo and was FLOORED to hear that I'd met the guy. He wanted to know all the details of the conversation we had, what he was like, everything. After some discussion, I mentioned to him that I didn't get him an autograph because, "Russ Tamblyn is too famous for your wall." We laughed about it and Matt, trying not to appear hurt, agreed that indeed he was too famous. I knew that Matt was VERY disappointed if not very angry with me, but he was a trooper and didn't say a thing.

Jump ahead to Christmas 2005. Matt is in town again and we're just finishing exchanging presents. Matt actually presented April & me with a Spamalot poster from New York, signed by Alan Tudyk, an actor who we know from a Martello favorite series, "Firefly". Can you believe that even after I slighted him the previous summer he still thought to get his old brother a meaningful gift like that? Had I not actually gotten Matt a Tamblyn photo I'd have felt like a real dick!

There's one package left for Matt to open. He's already expecting it to be a gag gift since we insisted he open it last. When he sees the signed & personalized Russ Tamblyn photo he flips out with happiness. We couldn't stop laughing as he went on about what a total asshole he thought I was for not getting him a photo of Tamblyn. Several months of resentment turned into sheer joy with the completion of my little joke on Matt.

My meeting with Tamblyn was fun. The real memories came long after the ink was dry on the photos.

THE INTERVIEW: The Director's Cut

With thanks to Golfwidow for returning the phrase, "The Director's Cut" to my brain, I give you "outtakes" from the MICHAEL MANNING interview segment. I know, it's hard to believe that there was ANYTHING not used.

Some lead-in questions from the raw transcripts are different from the final version. Since this interview was done via e-mail, he adapted his questions to better fit my responses.

Also, it should be noted that, blogwise, MICHAEL has more of a family audience than I do. Regular readers here know that my blog is for me to vent about whatever I want. Even though some of the funniest stuff was cut, it wouldn't have been appropriate there. Here, if I wrote it, EVERYTHING is appropriate so what the fuck, right?

Pardon the smaller text, I wanted to save space.

Deleted Scene One: Pat Boone Says "Fuck Her!"

MM: Andy, welcome to my Blogsite. I guess if I were Alice Cooper I’d be welcoming you to my nightmare. But even Pat Boone is quoted as saying, “Hey! Alice has been through some changes lately“. Let’s start off with what you’ve been up to?

AM: Thanks for having me, Michael. It's always nice to be had.

I should mention a few minor corrections. I've actually been a professional comedian & entertainer for 21 years. My website is way overdue for some updates. I'm glad you read it though. Aside from being a comedian/juggler, I am also a humor writer hoping to develop a career as both an author & a "spoken word" artist. More like Henry Rollins than Spaulding Gray, but that sort of thing.

Funny you mention Alice Cooper and Pat Boone. I've often pictured those two appearing in a movie together in one of those scenes where some guy is having an ethical quandary. Like in "Animal House" when Tom Hulce is trying to decide if he should bang the drunken, unconscious girl and a devil & angel pop up to give him sage wisdom. Of course, in my version Pat Boone would be the one telling the guy to go for it and Alice Cooper would be the one professing goodness and honor. Just funnier that way. It actually makes more sense this way as you know Cooper has done every bad thing that accompanies being a major rock star and can speak from genuine knowledge & experience when he tells you not to do the bad thing. Pat Boone is probably dying to lash out in all sorts of profanely bad ways after years of being so squeaky clean. Besides, I just laugh at the prospect of Pat Boone popping up on a guy's shoulder and yelling, "Fuck her!"

Deleted Scene Two: You Can't Do Doggy-Style on a Peavy

MM: Sorry, I LOVE you Brooke Shields!

AM: Was that a question? Is this interview just a way to woo Brooke Shields and Veronica Hamil? You're in the media. Arrange interviews with them. I mean, they are probably available for an interview these days. By the way, kudos to you for figuring out that the power of the internet can be used to gain favor with hot ladies. Good luck with that.

I like Brooke Shields too. She's tall and I love tall women. I think Hamil is tall as well. At least in my mind she is tall. They're both brunettes and that's always good. You know what like about tall, brunette women? Banging the ever-living hell out of them on top of a brand new Fender amplifier. Not only does Fender create the optimal sound quality of any rock amplifier, but those things are sturdy! Rock stars are tagging 8, 10 women and a few farm animals a week on top of those durable, high-performance amplifiers. Really, you just can't do doggy-style on a Peavy, can you?

Deleted Scene Three: The Complete "Woman of My Dreams" Rant

MM: We haven’t talked about your wife here. But how does a Magician meet the girl of his dreams? Or put another way, Andy. Should I begin taking lessons to capture Elizabeth Vargas, should she divorce?

AM: Not being a magician I've no idea how one would meet the girl of his dreams. I'm not a magician. I work for a living.

Of course I can't tell you how a comedian/juggler/fire eater/plate spinner/writer meets the girl of his dreams either. I've never met the woman of my dreams. I met my wife. Not that my wife isn't amazing and knowing her isn’t wonderful, but the girl of my dreams?

Nightmares are dreams and I certainly have met & dated a lot of women who would fit that criteria of dream woman. But you don't mean that, do you?

A phrase like, "the woman of your dreams" is some made up romance novel crap that just never happens. I've been a man for most of my life and I can honestly say that we men create some impossible women in our dreams. NOBODY could ever meet the standards of woman set in our dreams.

The "woman of my dreams" has Oprah's cash and wants to please me sexually more then any real woman ever could (or would now that I think of it). That woman has breasts that can grow, shrink, or even multiply as needed and she has never denied me any sexual position nor deviant act. In fact if that woman ever has had a problem with any of my requests she was always willing to learn or bring in her hot, bisexual, cheerleader/stripper friends to help. My dream woman is tall & short, blonde & brunette (but more often than not, redheaded), Asian, Irish, & Brazilian (but speaks with a British accent), intelligent & stupid all at the same time. Her body & face are perfect and differently so every time I see her and she never gains nor loses a pound without approval. She never cuts her hair without my knowledge & blessing and if her hair somehow does change she doesn't give a care if I notice. She never asks me what I'm thinking and she always waits till the commercial to ask me a question. She always knows if an outfit makes her look fat and she always knows that the woman across the room turns me on, encouraging me to look at her during dinner and then she invites her back to our home for three-way action. She makes me my martini & later holds my hair while I puke. After sex, there is always a sandwich & a cigar at the ready for me to enjoy. Once the sandwich has been eaten, more sex, sandwiches, & cigars. She watches porn, likes "Die Hard" movies, changes the oil in her car, tells me when to turn left long before the street arrives, laughs at my jokes, finds all other men to be completely unattractive, encourages me to sleep with her hot sister, mother, & cousin, and has enough spending cash & health insurance to last me a thousand lifetimes. Oh yeah, she's also a high-powered Hollywood agent and an equally powerful publishing agent and her every desire (outside of my petty sexual needs) is to make sure that everyone in the world has copies of my books, CDs, DVDs, and tickets to my next live show.

She also does all of the above things while standing upon a brand new Fender amplifier, the single greatest amplifier in music history!

That's the woman of my dreams!

My wife? She isn't rich.

Since this post is also too long, that's all for now. Believe it or not there's much more. For a COMPLETE, unedited transcript of THE INTERVIEW, e-mail me and I'll send you the file. I'm sure some Andy collector's out there would find this fascinating.

Ten Things Tuesday: Things You DIDN'T Read in "THE INTERVIEW"

• I just laugh at the prospect of Pat Boone popping up on a guy's shoulder and yelling, "F#%$ her!"
• I reckon there will come a day when I don't want to set my face on fire for money.
• A group called Intense Mutilation turned the relatively tame original lyrics about a sailor who misses his girlfriend into those that graphically describe soliciting fellatio from a prostitute.
• Most of the girls I've dated had way more psychosis in their veins than a guy with many versions of the same song.
• You two could have a regular geek-off discussing the subtleties of aircraft design.
• Rock stars are tagging 8, 10 women and a few farm animals a week on top of those durable, high-performance amplifiers.
• At the end of that run I did a really low-paying show at a retirement community where one guy yelled the whole time about how badly he had to pee. I was "nobody" again.
• I was...uh...sexually pleased orally by a lovely woman in the parking lot at a New Year's Eve booking. That was certainly "memorable".
• Not that I would condone using alcohol to get a lady a little more in the mood, unless Pat Boone popped up on my shoulder and told me to do it.
• Really, you just can't do doggy-style on a Peavy, can you?

These are just a few items you missed due to proper editing in order to preseve a good reputation. Since my reputation sucks ass, tune in tomorrow for a "Director's Cut" version of "THE INTERVIEW, With Andy Martello".

THE INTERVIEW: A Study Guide

Here are some links to some of the referenced websites within "THE INTERVIEW, With Andy Martello" , found at MICHAEL MANNING'S blog. If you got through all that and wanted a little more, you can keep the fun a rolling by clicking any of these links.

My Main Website
My Plate Spinning Game
Dazzling Diabolos (Web page), Video
Plate Spinning Act (Web page), Video, Corporate Training Video
Juggling Bowling Balls (Web page), Video
Fire Eating (Web Page), Video
My Louie Louie Pages
LouieLouie.net
Random Celebrity Photos & Memories (See sidebar)
My Cigars & Martinis Pages
Don Martello Cigar Smoker's Journal
Recipe for "The Martello"
The Twin Peaks Game
"Good Show", article originally published at TheCheers.org & later at Malicious Bitch

Yeah, yeah, I know it is a long interview. I also know that most of you have way too much freakin' time on your hands. You're online now aren't ya? Can you honestly tell me that there's anything of value to do online (other than porn)? NO. You're wasting time. So waste more time and read the damn thing. It's at least as long as a Playboy interview and there's no naked hot chicks to distract you.

Oh, since Paul McCartney turned 64 yesterday and I had a rather obvious joke to use, but had this other stuff to promote, I'll share my joke today.

[Andy on phone]: Ah yes, Sir Paul? I've been listening to your collected solo projects, even though I vowed to stop after "Spies Like Us". Anyway, I have the dubious honor of being the one to tell you on your 64th birthday, no, we no longer need you and you're more than capable of feeding yourself.

Oh yeah. Crap that good was made for an open mic and a blog post!

Father's Day & THE INTERVIEW!

A Happy Father's Day to all. Seriously, to everyone. Even if you're not a father, or worse...a MOTHER, you've got a great excuse to have a good day. So relax and enjoy. If you have a father or know one, give them a call.

I was thinking a lot about Father's Day prior to today. My dad passed away some years back but I still think about him and write some things about him here and there. However, it was a conversation with a completely unrelated Martello that got me thinking about today.

As many of you know, I've been corresponding with Bob Martello, nephew of Willie Martello & co-worker at the El Rey Club. The more I hear from the guy, the more I've been enjoying our talks. Even if we don't get to talk for long or sometimes forget to even discuss the El Rey he is just a joy to talk to. Lots of great stories, a good attitude, and an extraordinary life are unearthed with each passing e-mail and phone call.

Bob would be about one year younger than my own dad so when I talk to him, I get a taste of what these types of discussions would be like with my own dad. Everyone should take some time to hear about the lives of their parents as they connect us to history and can educate us on the future. I get the feeling that most everyone in his family has heard these stories already so perhaps having a new set of ears to listen makes it a bit more enjoyable for Bob.

He too is a father with some great kids and he should be celebrating today. What sparked this bout of sentimentality was some recent photos he sent me. One photo in particular, seems like the PERFECT image to share on Father's Day. I am sure Bob wouldn't mind me posting it here as he love s this photo as much as I do.

Check out this photograph of a young Bob alongside his father, Tony Martello, "The man who started it all", according to Bob. This is just a classic old photo of a father and a son, looking sharp in their long jackets and hats. A couple of sharp-dressed men ready to take on the world.

Happy Father's Day, Bob, and every dad out there.

On this Father's Day you can read a great article that will demonstrate exactly why being a good dad is so important. Believe me, if you read this piece you will definitely not want your kid to end up like THIS ONE!

THE INTERVIEW with Andy Martello is up and running until Thursday at MICHAEL MANNING'S Blog. I think it turned out quite well all told. It's a long one, probably because I talk too freakin' much, but it seems pretty funny and enjoyable to me and everyone knows I hate myself!

During the week I'll be sharing some of the edited segments from the piece. These were edited for time, but also to protect Michael's rather wholesome & professional reputation (Some really funny stuff I said would probably KILL his regular readers and fans. LOL!) Since I have no reputation to uphold and no career to protect, I'll share with the class here and offer up some companion pieces to his excellent article.

CLICK HERE to read THE INTERVIEW with Andy Martello.

Be sure to leave a comment for him if you are just finding his site. He needs to know that someone other than I am reading his work. ;)

We Saved a Baby Bird

Thursday night, April & I decided to treat ourselves to some Chinese food and a couple of rented movies. The take-out place and the video store were both in the same strip mall near our house.

On the walk back from the video store to the restaurant to pick up our completed order we heard the sound of a baby bird somewhat close to our immediate area. I looked around and found the little guy (a baby sparrow, similar to the ones in this photo I found online) on the sidewalk, none the worse for wear, but obviously scared and hungry. Needless to say he was adorable and he kept pleading with us for food as if we had mangled worms and bugs ready to go down his gullet.

We stared at him a bit and tried to figure out from where he fell. Seeing no immediate nest around we decided we'd scoop him up and take him to a local animal refuge in the hopes he would survive.

We headed to April's car to find some sort of suitable sparrow receptacle. I grabbed an old puzzle box from the car and she went to pick up the food. When I got back to baby bird central I started hearing other baby bird chirps. At the top of a stucco pillar, in a tight crevice, there were two more little baby bird heads peering out and screaming for food. Now I knew where he lived. I just had to figure out how to get him back in there.


I used the box parts to scoop up he little guy and take him out of harm's way. Near the car was a resale shop that, surprisingly, was still open. I went inside and where I'd normally find a bitter old lady behind the counter, I found a tall, young, blond, absolutely gorgeous girl. I asked if they had a ladder I could borrow and explained why I needed it. Not only did they have a ladder, but they also had rubber gloves that would prevent my human smell from contaminating the baby bird smell. Everything was working out fine.

April found me gathering a ladder. She grabbed the box-O-bird. We ventured out to the nest ready to return the baby to the parents.

When we arrived there we found at least one of the parents fluttering about the nest. I just positioned he ladder and worked my way up there. I gently placed the bird in my best guess as to where the sibling birds actually were (I couldn't really see inside the nest from the angle I was standing). The damned thing kept trying to scurry back to me so I did a little extra pushing back into position and then the other parent bird came bursting out from behind another crevice, scaring the heck out of both of us and making me laugh.

We returned the ladder to the store, said our thank yous, and had a brief chat about what a nice thing we did. We chatted about how adorable the bird and then watched our movies.

Friday I rode out to that mini mall on my bike to check up and see if the whole thing stuck. I mean the parents could have simply abandoned the babies and they'd have died overnight. I figured if I didn't see any bird carcasses on the ground we'd accomplished the task. Indeed there was no sparrow carnage around. Above I heard the sound of babies chirping and looked up to see three little heads asking for food. Soon afterwards one of the parents came by with dinner.

April & I have never been happier with something so silly.

Bet You Didn't Know...

Yours truly was recently interviewed by fellow blogger, entertainer, and noted television & radio personality, MICHAEL MANNING.

Yep, I'm next in line for his very popular blog series, "THE INTERVIEW". I can't imagine why he'd want to talk to me other than he may have lost a bet or something.

Whatever the reason, he'll be posting "THE INTERVIEW: Andy Martello" this Sunday, June 18 at Midnight. The informative, entertaining, and "captivating" (his word, not my own) piece will be running until Thursday June 23.

Because I've taken the time to tell you about this special media event, you can not only mark your calendars, but you can also spread the word to everyone in your e-mail address book, especially if you have a ton of literary agents, club owners, and young turks at the William Morris Agency in your address book.

I've no idea how it all turned out. I just know that He had a LOT of stuff to sift through. I guess I'm a long-winded freak, which you undoubtedly already knew. I do know that I'm honored to be a part of this and I'm thankful for the exposure.

Michael's blog is celebrating its one year anniversary and I think those of you who are not already familiar with his talents should visit him and wish him some congratulations.

Diary of a Hell Gig

Wednesday's booking shouldn't have been anything close to a hell gig. Sadly, it was.

I had to head to Navy Pier for one hour's worth of strolling juggling entertainment at a corporate reception. My call time was 6 PM and the show was scheduled to begin at 6:30. All of these facts are what I have on my contract.

Since I live about 45 minutes away without any Chicago rush hour traffic, I gave myself a HEALTHY two hours of drive time to make my sis o'clock call time. TWO HOURS is more than enough to make it to Navy Pier any other day of the week. Not today.

Among the things working against me was traffic for the Madonna concert at the United Center. I respect that she has such a large fan base to this day, but really...Madonna stopping traffic? She hasn't stopped traffic in years.

There was also the usual traffic suspects such as construction and some sort of accident along the way. In short, it became obvious to me that there was a chance I'd be a tad late for the call time but virtually no chance of being late for the start time.

The event planner that booked me through an agency I work for often became aware of the awful traffic situation when some of their limos and shuttles were calling in with reports of dreadful bumper-to-bumper conditions and she called me around 5 PM to check in. I told her my status and we were both in agreement that everything was in order and there was no need to worry. I was told to take my time, drive carefully, and give an update a little down the road.

Thankfully, I managed to get through traffic and was able to call when I was about 10 minutes away from Navy Pier. I was on schedule to be only about 10 minutes late for my 6 PM call time, if I was to be late at all and my client was all happy and relieved. I was considerably less tense as well...For about 10 minutes.

Remember last week, where my gig at The Alley found my car locked in a garage and me having to head downtown the next day to retrieve my car? Well, I got the car just fine, as I mentioned in my post. What I forgot to do was put all my juggling equipment from that gig BACK into my car. It was sitting comfortably in the trunk of April's car and I found myself with precious few things to juggle at the event!

Now the thought of such a tragedy actually occurred to me midway through today's traffic tragedy and I'd already taken a mental inventory of just what I had in the car that could suffice for a single hour's worth of strolling juggling. I tend to juggle very little at strolling gigs anyway and focus on using comedic entertainment & other theatrics to entertain the crowd so I really only needed a few things. A few things was all I had.

I brought in my juggling clubs, which I keep in the car "just in case" and buy was this a "case". I also brought in a comedy bowling ball prop and three stuffed penguins. Not the Flying Penguini, which are meant to be juggled. No, I brought in my three resident car penguins and told them they were going in the game. I figured that with my ability and my confidence I could not only pull this off, but I could do it all without being late for the event.

At this time is was about 6:15 PM. My car was parked and I was right by the Grand Ballroom, ready for action. I checked in with the gal I'd been talking to on the phone during my drive and she was all smiles and laughs. However, when I checked in with "the boss" (After a much needed bathroom trip - two hours in traffic!), I was greeted with, "Get in there. The show has started and you are very, VERY late! You were supposed to start at 6:15 and be here by 5:45."

Taken a bit by surprise I explained that my contract clearly states that I start at 6:30 and, while late for the call time of 6 PM, was not late for the show. Plus, I'd been in constant and considerably more relaxed contact with her associate who stressed no worry about tardiness. She simply told me she wasn't in the mood for an argument and I had to get to my station to start work.

Station? I'm strolling the room. I've got no station. I brought this up to her and she looked at me as if I was purposefully crapping on her pancakes.

"No, you're on a stage juggling the entire time and you're very, VERY late." Seeing that I was to be stuck on a stage for over an hour I offered to bring in my plate spinning props to do something a little more spectacular than what I'd brought in for a strolling performance. She didn't want to waste any more time and led me to a stage, six feet above the ground, surrounded by bar stations on all sides, each one having a tower of glassware resting on top.

So here I was with my few props and a whole lot of confusion. See, where most people can be late for a job once in awhile, if an entertainer is late for a job, that guy could NEVER WORK AGAIN! Leaving two hours for a gig doesn't save you because I should have left three hours early and every event planner and agent will tell you so. After 21 years of building a stellar reputation it all could go to shit in the five minutes you are late for a show. That's among the many awful things about my business.

But I wasn't upset. I had a contract that proved I wasn't late. They can be mad at me and complain to the agency that booked me, but the miscommunication, if any, was between them. I just had to last the hour plus the ten extra minutes (I started at 6:20 instead of 6:30) and not upset the already frazzled client any further. Moreover, I wasn't going to catch any grief for NOT being late to a gig. I was worried about how to make sure my reputation was intact and guarantee that I wasn't going to be blamed for something I didn't do.

Afterwards we chatted and I did my best to smooth things over. What surprised me was that she was told I would be spinning plates and other feats of spectacular juggling goodness and I was told I'd be strolling the floor, juggling from table to table. She insists she was very clear about the earlier call time and start time, even though the agency that booked me in very thorough and when confirming all performers to the event, was not told of any sort of earlier time. It was something of a disaster.

She did cover my parking at the Pier though, which is both extremely nice and unheard of at these events.

When I got home I marveled at how up and down my emotions were with this thing. I was so proud of myself for making the gig in time, only to find out I was "late". I realized my stupidity in leaving my props in another car, but enjoyed my clever resourcefulness, finding myself eager to make this hour pass by without any hint of my error. Of course, that was shot to hell when I was told I was NOT strolling & juggling for an hour. This was, without any warning nor similar harbingers of doom, a hell gig and I was bowled over by the damned thing.

I have also been suffering with an extremely sore lower back, compliments of the stage I was on for 70 minutes.

But hey, it is all over, right? Please? Do I still get paid?

A Little Something from Golfwidow

She sent me this comic awhile back.

Of course, you realize, she rocks.

In case you weren't completely aware of Her Royal Golfwidowiness, check out her blog or better yet, her most excellent INTERVIEW found at MICHAEL MANNING'S blog.

Ten Things Tuesday: SPAM E-Mail Subject Headers I'd Like to See

• Make THOUSANDS Sending SPAM E-Mail!
• Our Peni$ Enlargment Pills Raise Your Crdit Score
• Here's that Computer Virus You Asked for.
• Buy Shit on eBay, Sell it on Yahoo Auctions!
• Full of Health? Try Smoking!
• Like you, I'm not ewaaring any pants. Damn, I too have a small prick, xyetrwyi.
• Consolidate y debts! Smash them into tiny bits with your newly enlarged cock
• I Can't Spell Vyagara, Seealice, or Liveetra!
• Christain Singles with Small Peckers JUST LIKE YOU love this small-cap stock.
• [RE:4] Refinance now to buy your intertnets Ho0odia buisiness and cure ANY DISEASE

There Goes the Neighborhood

OK, so I am fully aware of the growth spurt of heroin and "harder drug" usage by teens and soccer moms in the suburbs, but the other day I got to actually experience some of it first-hand.

April and were are shopping at the Meijer store in Schaumburg, Illinois. Schaumburg is a very large suburb of Chicago, most famous for the Woodfield Shopping Mall, among the top three most popular tourist attractions in Illinois (and one of the first "real" malls in the nation). While Schaumburg is vast in size and diverse in cultural demographics, you still have to go some to find a more stereotypically waspy white suburban locale.

While wandering through the soft drink aisle, we encountered a young couple, shopping away for tasty foods and necessary sundries. The man looked somewhat like Cuba Gooding Jr. and was in a rather jovial mood as he put some food stuff in their basket, almost singing along the way.

As we passed him, he made eye contact with me, almost embarrassed that I caught him in a public act of happiness. He nodded his head and let out a friendly, "How y'all doin' today?" I laughed and told him I couldn't complain, assuming he was just making conversation to cover up his silliness. As soon as I finished my response his entire countenance shifted to that of a cold and stern man on a mission. His eyes became somewhat steely and pierced my own as he immediately returned with, in a whisper, "You folks need any smack or somethin'?"

I just laughed, astounded by the question, and turned down his offer for "smack". I couldn't believe I was being approached by a drug dealer at the Meijer...at noon...in Schaumburg!

I mean, I expect that kind of thing at the local Dominick's or maybe even the Jewel, but there they really only have crystal meth & bathtub gin.

In retrospect I realize there were many more amusing answers I should have said.

"Hell yeah! What aisle is that in?"

"Really? This place has got EVERYTHING!"

"Smack? No, I'm good. Got any gum?"

Link, Link, Link, Link...

It seems as though the once techno-challenged Kelly, has figured out how to add links to her blog, Kelly's Hope. Wouldn't you know it? She even added me to the list of folks she has linked. Kelly is one classy lady and has some good things to read at her blog. She used to be a model and ran an agency back in the day. Unfortunately it wasn't the type of agency that could help get me any work, unless I wanted to start doing heroin and purging all of my meals (And who wouldn't want that?). Either way, check her out and be sure to tell her I sent you her way.

I'm long overdue on adding Ole Blue the Heretic to my links list. Not sure how I brain-farted this one so badly so I make up for it now by plugging his MASSIVE blog filled with links, stories, news, and nonsense. Sorry Blue. Yer up on the list now.

I've recently been visited by a magician with a blog and this time it is not Glenn Bishop. Dan Mindo stopped by mysteriously and left a comment. Being a good blog-whore I checked out his blog, Magic Uncensored, and read about some of the most excellent in-fighting going on in the magic world. Few things amuse me more than magicians sparring with other magicians so I had to comment and go for a link exchange. Turns out Dan actually lives down the road from me. We'll have to get together one day and make fun of mimes or something.

It seems I'm rather popular in Italy. Could it be because of my obviously Italian last name? Perhaps Italy is the only country that actually gets my humor and to the Italians I'm like Jerry Lewis is to the French. In actuality I'm only popular to one little lady, Victoria, an American serving in the military and stationed in La Maddalena, Italy. When she's awake (some 6 time zones away) and we're all sleeping, she stops by my blog and claims to laugh harder from the crap I've written than ever before in her life. So obviously she is the smartest person in all the world (or maybe stealing from the locked cabinets at the hospital where she works). Either way, please visit Victoria's blog, ...following my dreams... ,and say HI. I know she can always use a few more friends while she's in a far away land. Ciao, Victoria!

I'm almost positive I've forgotten to mention Miaa and her blog, eepErz, though with a name like that I can't imagine how I'd forget. Loads of oddities about music, the world, and whatever else an 18 year old blogs about. Worth a click or two if you're needing something new to look at.

As always, thanks to all my link partners for the extra traffic and the virtual friendship.

Lastly, a message to Blogger.

FIX THE MOTHER-FUCKING PHOTOS OPTION ALREADY! IT WAS DOWN, THEN UP, NOW ALL FUCKED UP AGAIN. FIX THE GODDAMN THING ALREADY! WHY THE FUCK DID WE ALL HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH A DAY OR TWO OF MAINTENANCE BULLSHIT IF YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY FIX A FUCKING THING? I DEFEND YOUR SHITTY FREE SERVICE LEFT & RIGHT AND FOR WHAT? I HOPE YOU GET THUNDER-FUCKED IN THE EYE SOCKET BY A MIKITA SAWZALL FOR MAKING ME HAVE TO RESORT TO USING FUCKING PICASA AGAIN!

Have a great Sunday! :)

Oh No! A Sci-Fi Post. UGH!

And what's worse...It's a Doctor Who post!

Ah get over it I've done it before. Anyway...

I've been watching the "new" Doctor Who episodes on SciFi every week and absolutely LOVING every minute. I was a huge Doctor Who fan in my youth and was very pleased to hear that the BBC was finally bringing back the classic series. However, when I heard that they were actually going to have a budget for effects I was almost afraid of the finished product. I mean, seeing an updated version of the show with some real backing behind the production seemed like an idea that has come and gone without any positive results.

There were two big screen versions of the show starring Peter Cushing that were somewhat regrettable and are not generally accepted at part of the Whoniverse.

FOX spent a few bucks some time ago on a TV movie starring Paul McGann. While McGann was actually a pretty good Doctor and did keep the franchise breathing with books on tape and audio sequels, the special made for us Yanks was anything but a stellar argument for bringing the series back to life.


Naturally I was eager to see the new shows starring Christopher Eccleston, but I reserved the right to dislike the finished product and decided I could be a "Classic" snob, much like the folks who think that Star Trek started and finished with Captain Kirk( and are so WRONG, by the way).

Man alive was I completely floored by how good the new shows actually were. This will surely sound like some sort of heresy, but about 3 or four episodes into the new series I found myself wondering why the hell I'd ever liked the old series in the first place. It isn't even like comparing apples and oranges. More like comparing apples and a Buick. Everything from the writing, the design, the adult feel of the show, to the effects, the humor, and the presence of a genuinely attractive companion (Billie Piper as Rose) was absolute excellence. It truly was a Doctor Who for grownups. A very mature, intelligent realization of a science fiction drama for the ages.

Friday night was the last episode of the Eccleston season. Sadly, the BBC was not sure if the show would be a hit or not and they chose not to offer him an extension on his contract. So, another regeneration for the Doctor and the David Tennant episodes are now running in England. One day soon I hope to see them here and if they're anything like the episodes I've been so happy to watch this year, I can't wait!

My lovely wife is getting me the DVDs of the Christopher Eccleston episodes on July 4th as a late birthday present. What a happy day that will be indeed!

A Word to the Professional Boxing World

From this day forward, boxers are forbidden to use the following nicknames.

"Sugar" Just because you're named Ray doesn't mean you're limited to this nickname.

"The Hit Man" We get it. Boxers hit people. Professional killers "hit" people. Enough already.

"Pretty Boy" Guys named Floyd, see "Sugar".

I expect this to take effect immediately and I will expand upon this list as necessary.

Strange Days Indeed

I had every intention of having a new post for you yesterday. Technically, I'm writing this post on the 7th and could certainly put it out there for ya. But tomorrow is only about 40 minutes away and I'll surely have all this done by then so I may as well throw out some of the fooked up & fun details about the last couple of days.

Tuesday night I had a most excellent gig in downtown Chicago. I was juggling skulls, eating fire, and generally doing my best to bring in a crowd to one of Chicago's alternative-minded mainstays, The Alley. The Alley is celebrating it's 30th anniversary and is the parent company for the store my wife works for, Marche Noir. Well The Alley owns every store in the Alternative Shopping Complex of Chicago, in the Belmont & Clark area of town.

Aside from the fun I was having from 8:30 PM to 11:30 PM, there was a most excellent Halloween art exhibit, and a "human sacrifice" scheduled for midnight. Big silly fun for everyone. That is, big silly fun until I went to go get my car.

Parking in this area is impossible. Ask Bud Buckley. He was in that neighborhood watching Blue Man Group when he & Cathy visited some time back. I chose the "safe" route and parked in a garage attached to a neighboring shopping complex. Now I knew that I was "at risk" by parking in a structure for a place I'd no intention of shopping at, but I expected my car would be there by gig's end and they'd be none the wiser.

As it happened I was absolutely correct. My car was able to park there for a long time without incident. In fact, it stayed there all night. See, there were no signs indicating that when the stores closed, the parking garage was also closed. Every entrance, every door, every crack & crevice of the place was sealed up tight and my car was not coming out until morning.

I got a little panicked at this point because the dreaded Lincoln Towing was their designated towing company and they are among the most expensive, dirty, & cheating motherfuckers in the business. Thankfully they were not towing any cars from that lot on this evening. I guess it was fortuitous that all the dam doors were locked.

I had to call April and get her to rescue me and bring me in. I live an hour away from the place and it was about 1:00 AM by the time she found me and 2:00 AM by the time we got home. No blog posting for me.

No, I had to do a little homework to see what train schedules were like so we could venture back the next day to retrieve my car without having to drive one car there and drive two home. April had the day off (thank goodness) and we set out on our adventure early this morning, not knowing for sure IF my car would even be there.

When it was all said and done my car was still in the same place. No tickets. No Denver Boots. No worries! I did a victory lap around my car.

After that we set out to enjoy our regularly scheduled day of fun together. When April has her one day off I try to stay free so we can be together. On this day we went to Arlington Park Race Track to enjoy the sport of kings in one of its palaces.

A little shopping afterwards, some dinner, a screening of "Star Wars: Episode III - Frankenstein Lives!" and I find myself at this juncture. No Wednesday blog post for you and nothing all that interesting on Thursday either. Just a lot of bullshit words being wasted when I just could have said, "I was fucking busy, alright!"

If you do some sort of YouTube searches over the next few days, I'm quite sure you'll find a few folks who took video of me eating fire and posted it for ya. Plus, if you're into HOT, Asian/Russian, vampiric glamour models, why not check out the websites of Sofiya Smirnova, a fellow performer I met last night. I know my male readers will be happy they did!

Ten Things Tuesday: "Cutting Edge" Better Sex Tips

• Try it with a partner. I hear it can be actually more fun that way.
• When videotaping your escapades, hire a professional film crew. A stagnant tripod shot never looks good. The lighting always sucks, and your best friend/cameraman will miss "the good stuff" & spend way too much time focusing on whichever one of you he wants to bang more.
• When fisting, remove your jewelry & watch. You don't want to lose them nor waste any time searching for them later.
• While masturbating, practice calling out your partner's name while thinking about someone else. You'll thank me for this one.
• Having trouble convincing your wife or girlfriend to engage in anal sex? Tell her you read in Cosmo that, "ass is the new pussy". Then promise to buy her a Prada bag or something.
• Are you ladies having trouble getting some hot three-way action with your man and another dude? Promise your man you'll have a three-way with another woman, get yours first, then welch out on your promise. Fake some sort of anger, headache, disease, or whatever you do to get out of sex with this guy every other day of the year.
• Hookers. Never rule out hookers.
• Men, instead of porn on the TV , run a constant loop of Dr. Phil, Oprah, and The View in the background. Instead of shouting, "YES", during sex, substitute, "You go, girl", or, "Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. Maybe later we can read a book together." She'll be insatiable.
• Getting back to fisting, it is considered "inappropriate" to make crude ventriloquist dummy jokes in the heat of the moment. Resist the urge to take a sip of water while she moans and NEVER take a bow afterwards.
• Go ahead. Covet your neighbor's wife. Chick dig being coveted.

Meanwhile, At the Hall of Justice...

...The Superfriends find themselves in tears.

Though I regard his work with Hanna Barbera as widely regrettable and forgettable, had he not been around then we wouldn't have the modern day version of Space Ghost now.

Alex Toth, dead at age 77

Ten Things Tuesday (Special Saturday Edition) : Things I Saw On My Birthday

Most of these are screen shots taken from video.

The quality is not as good as I'd like, but sufficient for the internet.

Sumatran Rhinoceros

They have two of these bizarre and magnificent creatures at the Cincinnati Zoo. We saw them last year and really loved them. They are very rare and quite a treat to see.

Loads of Lorikeets

Somehow we found ourselves feeding Lorikeets and other tropical birds at two different exhibits in the same day. This licking Lory lives at the Newport Aquarium. Apparently I am made of nectar and that is why I'm being licked so vigorously.

Further proof that all the birds think I'm TASTY!

Speaking of licking...

Yeah, I know. I'm a moron. I should point out that just a few miles from this sign is one that reads, "Licking Valley Girl Scouts Bridge". I could have taken a photo of that one but I didn't! It also bears mentioning that there is a part of Kentucky known as "Beaver Lick". I've been there too, just not on this trip and certainly not as often as I'd like to go there. OH!

Speaking of Licking...

A Giant Clam

Oh no I DIDN'T!
Oh yes I DID!I told you.
I'm a moron.

Horseshoe Crabs

V.D. jokes aside, this may not be the best photo but we just liked being able to see the underside of the crab. We've seen many of these before but have never gotten to see what lies beneath.

Obligatory V.D. jokes: I suppose if you go around Kentucky and Ohio licking everything you have to expect catching crabs. To clear this up I should go buy a little blue ointment.

Or maybe I should just get...

A Little Blue Penguin!

The Cincinnati Zoo remains as the only place I've ever been able to see these little guys. It is hard to see from the image but they really do have a bluish color to them. They are adorable. They are the smallest of the penguin family and this particular one went out of his way to make a lot of noise for our benefit.

I've got some excellent video from both of our trips and perhaps one day I'll edit it all together and post it somewhere so you can get a better idea of how cool these Australian penguins really are.

April told me she'd put one in her purse & take it home if I'd have asked. I chose not to ruin a good purse.

MMMmmm...Waffle House!

I don't know what I like more about the Waffle House - The food or the "local color". Either way, why would I choose some fancy breakfast place on my birthday when there's a freakin' Waffle House across the street from my motel? Waffle House remains one of the last places in the U.S. where someone tells me I remind them of Billy Ray Cyrus (because of my hair, I assume).

Awww, Baby Emu!

What? I suppose YOU'VE seen a shitload of baby Emu in your day?

I thought not.

Octopus

The Newport Aquarium had many amazing things to see. I am always a sucker (HA!) for an Octopus. This one was really active and fun to watch.

There were many more "tentacular" images to share, but I chose this one because I'm intrigued by the "face" of the Octopus. I've always felt as though these creatures have a soul.

Last, but certainly not least...

The Shark Ray!

These images certainly don't do this guy justice, but click on the image for a larger view anyway.

You are looking at Sweet Pea, the ONLY living Shark Ray on display in the Western Hemisphere. Part shark, part sting ray, it is among the most unusual and amazing things I've ever seen, and it's in KENTUCKY! Good lord I hope the locals don't try to fish for the damn thing with dynamite!

Among the things I'm impressed by when I look at this guy is that he kind of looks like a classic hot rod car. I imagine seeing ZZ Top driving to a concert in one of these.

One of the images I put in here shows the undersides of a Sting Ray and the Shark Ray side by side. I felt very fortunate to have been able to capture such an image. Hell I felt fortunate just to see the damn thing.

The Newport Aquarium is possibly the best aquarium I've been to in the U.S. and I HIGHLY recommend that you check it out. It is very affordable, interactive, and fun for anyone!

Better Surfing. Still No Photos.

I seem to be surfing better. I am hopeful that taking the computer apart and quite actually blowing the dust out of its ass did the trick. Somehow I still can't get photos up.

Well, I can't get the photos I want up. Therefore I am still cranky and will probably be cranky until I get THE post I wanted to make a couple of fucking days ago up and running.

Odd that I can upload some photos and not others.

See this photo of Tom Jones with a cigar? I had absolutely NO intention of posting this. I used it as a tester and it posted without any problem at all.

See this photo of a Little Blue Penguin? No? That's because I can't upload the fucking photo! I'm several photos away from a kick-ass Ten Things post designed to share with you all the FUCKING BLISS I FELT ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY and I can't get the fucking photos up, and the headache caused by this internet skullfuckery has all but ruined my good mood and high hopes for a great 36th year of life. I'm more depressed, more bitter, and more angrily suicidal than ever!

But still...Tom Jones smoking a cigar! Pretty cool, right?

I'm Giving Up Blogging & Tossing My Computer in the Shitter!

I go away for a couple of days and let my computer sleep. When I return and try to surf the web I am moving slower than a turtle at a snail impersonating contest.

I assume this all has to do with the storms we had a couple of days back. There were many cities with power outages and other lost services. Since I'm on dial-up, I trust that perhaps this has also been affected in some way.

All I know is that no matter what line I use or access number I dial, I can't get to most ANY of the websites I frequent, including this blog. I've wasted two days trying to remedy the situation AND create a lovely photo-filled post that would give you a taste of how well my birthday trip went. As it happens I cannot get any photos uploaded, no special post made, and no actual work done around here.

And don't try to give me any shit about upgrading to high-speed. I've got my reasons and a long fucking story to accompany it about why I'm still using dial-up. Besides, I went to the library to use their high-speed connection and I still can't get any photos uploaded. At least I know much sooner that my blog post will never get finished.

Fuck it all. Fuck this blog. Fuck computers and all the time-saving, life-enhancing bullshit they promised us. In case this is simply a problem I'm having with Blogger, fuck Blogger in it's Google-owned ass.

If you ever see a blog post from me again it will be some sort of fucking miracle. I can BARELY get to my fucking e-mail (not that anyone ever e-mails me) much less get out this blog drivel (not that too many actually read it anyway).

This computer shit is really ruining Birthday Week and I'm getting pretty fucking tired of it.