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Monday, June 05, 2006

Ten Things Tuesday: "Cutting Edge" Better Sex Tips

  • Try it with a partner. I hear it can be actually more fun that way.
  • When videotaping your escapades, hire a professional film crew. A stagnant tripod shot never looks good. The lighting always sucks, and your best friend/cameraman will miss "the good stuff" & spend way too much time focusing on whichever one of you he wants to bang more.
  • When fisting, remove your jewelry & watch. You don't want to lose them nor waste any time searching for them later.
  • While masturbating, practice calling out your partner's name while thinking about someone else. You'll thank me for this one.
  • Having trouble convincing your wife or girlfriend to engage in anal sex? Tell her you read in Cosmo that, "ass is the new pussy". Then promise to buy her a Prada bag or something.
  • Are you ladies having trouble getting some hot three-way action with your man and another dude? Promise your man you'll have a three-way with another woman, get yours first, then welch out on your promise. Fake some sort of anger, headache, disease, or whatever you do to get out of sex with this guy every other day of the year.
  • Hookers. Never rule out hookers.
  • Men, instead of porn on the TV , run a constant loop of Dr. Phil, Oprah, and The View in the background. Instead of shouting, "YES", during sex, substitute, "You go, girl", or, "Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. Maybe later we can read a book together." She'll be insatiable.
  • Getting back to fisting, it is considered "inappropriate" to make crude ventriloquist dummy jokes in the heat of the moment. Resist the urge to take a sip of water while she moans and NEVER take a bow afterwards.
  • Go ahead. Covet your neighbor's wife. Chick dig being coveted.

10 Comments:

Blogger golfwidow said...

Yay covet.

3:40 AM

 
Blogger sue said...

You are sooo bad.... er...in a good way. :)

8:11 AM

 
Blogger Andy Land said...

I do what I can, Sue.

GW, you're priceless!

9:41 AM

 
Blogger Webmiztris said...

"While masturbating, practice calling out your partner's name while thinking about someone else. You'll thank me for this one."

lmao!

I like the threeway idea personally!

3:31 PM

 
Blogger Gordon said...

You know those "genius" grants they give out?

They should give one to you, dude.

Priceless.

9:07 PM

 
Blogger Victoria said...

You are constantly making me laugh harder each day. You should add... don't yell SHAZAAAM when you are starting to get your jollies off. :) Because, that's JUST funny, and women will laugh at you!! LOL Hope you are having a good week.

Ciao
V

11:24 PM

 
Blogger Maximus said...

Dude,how many magicians do you know that actually get laid? Great fun though,thanks.

Dan Mindo

http://magic-uncensored.blogspot.com/

5:34 AM

 
Blogger Terry aka Funky said...

OMG the laughter never stops here

9:07 AM

 
Blogger Andy Land said...

Yeah, I can see my application for the MacArthur Foundation genius grant. "Um...fisting, ass is the new pussy, and more fisting. Can I have my check now?"

Welcome, Dan! How'd you come to find this here blog? ALso, if you count all of the magicians who choose their assistants based on the two criteria (will they fit into the boxes and can I fuck them?) then I know many magicians that get laid.

Victoria, I'm glad I can make you laugh. It's kinda my job.

8:43 AM

 
Blogger Maximus said...

I found your site while swimming from one blog to another. I don't know who's site I came from but I know it wasn't as fucking funny as your site. If they can fuck them they won't care if they fit... They can always get bigger boxes!

8:40 PM

 

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