Nobody Would Have Thought Nick Cage Was a Gay Superhero

OK, the new Superman movie is finally out. In fact, in the weels leading up to the release, all anyone could talk about was if Superman himself was "out".

Much has been made about a possible new "gay sub-plot" nestled within the recent release. I guess anything to get a little more interest in a 300 million+ project. There's even a "hint" found within the current line of Topps trading cards, if we're to believe the "out of the broom closet" caption on one card.

Some of us knew Superman was gay all along. Here's a rather unpolished (but funny) sketch from a short-lived sketch comedy group I used to be in called, Mr. X's Briefcase. Gay superheroes are really nothing new. I believe the term for such fiction is "slash". Either way, enjoy this sketch and be kind. It was in the editing and rewriting phase by the time the group went kaput.

Superman & Lex Luthor:
The Final Conflict

[Scene: A meeting between Superman and Lex Luthor in the Fortress of Solitude. Lex thinks he’s there to discuss their troubled past. Superman wants to discuss their future.]

[doorbell rings. Futuristic sound of a door opening can be heard]

SUPERMAN
Ahh Lex! I’m glad you could make it. Thanks for coming.

LEX
Alright Superman, why did you bring me out here? [pause] You’re not going to kick my ass again are you?

SUPERMAN
No, [laughing] I have something I'd like to tell you. Please, sit down.

LEX
[laughing too.] Hey, nice Fortress. Personally, I would have chosen a place closer to the city, but that’s just me. I hate a long commute. Look, can we move this along? I have a bank robbery scheduled at 4:00 and you KNOW how I hate to miss an appointment.

SUPERMAN
Would you care for a drink?

LEX
Ah, yes if you’re having one. [loud cork popping noise]

SUPERMAN
Champagne ok with you?

LEX
Champagne? What's the occasion?

SUPERMAN
Well I'm celebrating something special and I thought I'd share it with you.

LEX
Great. What is it? You finally gonna retire or something?

SUPERMAN
Oh no. Actually, Lex...I've fallen in love.

LEX
Yeah. I know. Lois Lane. It's no big secret y'know.

SUPERMAN
No it's not Lois. [laughing] Shall we toast?

LEX
[nervous] Uh...what shall we drink to?

SUPERMAN
Let’s drink to…new beginnings. [glasses clink] Come on...drink up.

LEX
Oh God [getting creeped out!] Eewww, oh God, ick! No, no, no! Oh geez Superman why? I’m a criminal mastermind, a straight criminal mastermind! You are Superman. You’re the ‘Man of Steel’ for God’s sake- OH GOD!!!

SUPERMAN
Now, Lex I know this may come as a shock to you…but… I’ve always been this way. I’ve had to live a lie for all these years.

LEX
But what about Lois, a-and Lana? What about all the stories?

SUPERMAN
Hello? What about Jimmy Olson? Christ, I wear blue spandex tights, and I'm ALWAYS changing my hair. What more do you need?

LEX
Yeah but ME? Why, Superman, why?

SUPERMAN
Well…you know how it goes. You spend a lot of time with someone and you start to see him in a different light. Don’t you feel the same way?

LEX
NO! I still want to kill you, more now than ever!

SUPERMAN
Oh, Lex, please! You've been to prison. You know what it's like. Besides, you have been obsessed with me for years.

LEX
I’ve been obsessed with destrying you, NOT...Oh God this is a nightmare!



SUPERMAN
Lex, you can’t tell me that you never got even a little turned on all those times you had me wrapped up in chains, dangling your Kryptonite in front of me. My glistening muscles weakening in your grasp. My hair tussled, my defenses down, my life [clears throat] in your... hands.

LEX
I think I’m going to be sick!

SUPERMAN
Lex, try to understand! I’m just so attracted to you! I can’t help myself. I'm sure we can make a go of it. [flirting] You know, if you remove the letter ‘U’ from Superman you get ‘Sperman’ [pron: Sperm-man] How about it tiger?

LEX
Oh this is just disgusting!

SUPERMAN
All those years, defeating your plans...the thought of you behind bars, all caged up like the animal that you are. Sometimes I’d use my X-ray vision to watch you in the prison weight room and the shower.

LEX
That’s IT! I’ve had enough! I want to go home now! [heads for door]

SUPERMAN
Lex, wait! Stay for dinner. I warmed up the fondue pot. I made Tiramisu for dessert.

LEX
NO! I’m leaving now [beating on door] Let me outof here!

SUPERMAN
Lex, you’re not leaving! There’s got to be a way to work this out. Besides, where are you going to go? There’s not a town for miles. There’s a storm coming in tonight and it’ll be hours before you get back to Metropolis. Why not stay? Have some dinner. I’ll make a fire. [laser-beam SFX]

LEX
Dammit, I swear that when I get out of here I’m going straight to the Daily Planet and tell them everything! How would you like that if I outted you to the whole world!

SUPERMAN
Go to the Planet, I’m sure they’ll believe you [laughing] There's a phone on the desk. Why not call Clark Kent? [giggling] I'm sure he'd love to hear this. [more giggling]

LEX
[long pause] Oh my God. You mean you...

SUPERMAN
Mmm-hmm

LEX
...and Clark...

SUPERMAN
Uh huh

LEX
[astonished] Clark Kent is GAY???

SUPERMAN
[laughing] Oh Lex...you are a caution. How about that dinner?

LEX
[yelling] DAMMIT, Superman! Now I'n only going to say this ONCE. I’m STRAIGHT! I don’t like guys! Do you hear me? It will NEVER work out between us.

SUPERMAN
[giving up, getting sad] But Lex… [tearing up, trying not to cry] Don’t you know how difficult this is for me? [long pause] You bastard! I thought that…oh God, I look like a fool [holding back hysterical tears] I’ve gotta get out of here! [running sounds. Superman runs into the bathroom and locks the door]

LEX
[feeling like a jerk] Oh geez! [walks toward bathroom] Superman? Hey Superman, come out of there. Come on, don’t cry.

SUPERMAN
I’m not crying [sniffing sounds are heard]

LEX
Yes you are. I can see you through the crystal doors! [under breath] Please, I’m…uh, I’m sorry. I just was a little startled that’s all. Come on, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. [long pause] Superman will you PLEASE come out?

SUPERMAN
I just did. You were appalled. Remember?

LEX
That's not what I mean! Come out of there right now! [pause, door opens] Now Superman, I-gosh, I can’t believe I’m saying this…I never meant to hurt you. It’s just that…well, I’m straight. That’s all there is to it. It just wouldn’t work out.

SUPERMAN
[sniffing] But all these years, everything we’ve shared. Where am I going to find anyone like you.

LEX
But I do still need you. [trying to lighten it up] You make me a better criminal. You’re the only hero out there who offers me a challenge. I wouldn’t try so hard if it weren't for you. You’re the reason I stay in the old crime game.

SUPERMAN
You’re just saying that.

LEX
No it’s true! In a way, we’ve already got a relationship that’s too good to be true. We are a perfect match. [Superman gets excited, Lex stops him] BUT we’re destined to be just friends, uh enemies. Best enemies. Forever. [pause] I wouldn’t want it any other way. We’d screw up everything if we tried to take it to another level.

SUPERMAN
[sad, but composing himself] OK, I’m sorry for springing this on you so suddenly. I shouldn’t have-

LEX
Shhh. It’s forgotten.

SUPERMAN
Lex…if you WERE-

LEX
You’d be the first superhero I’d want! Trust me. [pause] Well, no sense in letting good good food go to waste. How about some of that fondue?

SUPERMAN
OK. You know, you’re always talking taking over the world. I promise you, if you ever change your mind…we can have the world.

LEX
I know. I know. [love theme from Supermanunderneath].