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Sunday, June 11, 2006

There Goes the Neighborhood

OK, so I am fully aware of the growth spurt of heroin and "harder drug" usage by teens and soccer moms in the suburbs, but the other day I got to actually experience some of it first-hand.

April and were are shopping at the Meijer store in Schaumburg, Illinois. Schaumburg is a very large suburb of Chicago, most famous for the Woodfield Shopping Mall, among the top three most popular tourist attractions in Illinois (and one of the first "real" malls in the nation). While Schaumburg is vast in size and diverse in cultural demographics, you still have to go some to find a more stereotypically waspy white suburban locale.

While wandering through the soft drink aisle, we encountered a young couple, shopping away for tasty foods and necessary sundries. The man looked somewhat like Cuba Gooding Jr. and was in a rather jovial mood as he put some food stuff in their basket, almost singing along the way.

As we passed him, he made eye contact with me, almost embarrassed that I caught him in a public act of happiness. He nodded his head and let out a friendly, "How y'all doin' today?" I laughed and told him I couldn't complain, assuming he was just making conversation to cover up his silliness. As soon as I finished my response his entire countenance shifted to that of a cold and stern man on a mission. His eyes became somewhat steely and pierced my own as he immediately returned with, in a whisper, "You folks need any smack or somethin'?"

Smack - Aisle #3I just laughed, astounded by the question, and turned down his offer for "smack". I couldn't believe I was being approached by a drug dealer at the Schaumburg!

I mean, I expect that kind of thing at the local Dominick's or maybe even the Jewel, but there they really only have crystal meth & bathtub gin.

In retrospect I realize there were many more amusing answers I should have said.

"Hell yeah! What aisle is that in?"

"Really? This place has got EVERYTHING!"

"Smack? No, I'm good. Got any gum?"


Blogger sue said...

Why do we always think of the right thing to say LATER? This reminds me of the first time I was approached (read flirted with) a woman... and it dawned on me she was gay and was actually hitting on me. Talk about a shock to my sheltered mid-west upbringing!

5:46 AM

Blogger Spook said...

I guess I'm glad to know that this trait - knowing the right thing to say hours later - is shared by the commedian of the family. Thought it was just me and my own unfunny self all this time!

2:14 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Ah yes, but the best part about being a comedian is that, even though there is the rare occasion where you have the better line after the fact, when I retell the story on stage it will sound as though I HAD the good line at the time.


7:03 PM

Blogger Maximus said...

Okay so you didn't want any "smack". How was I supposed to know? By the way I get the Cuba Gooding jr. thing all the time.

Dan Mindo

4:33 PM


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