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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

THE INTERVIEW: The Director's Cut

With thanks to Golfwidow for returning the phrase, "The Director's Cut" to my brain, I give you "outtakes" from the MICHAEL MANNING interview segment. I know, it's hard to believe that there was ANYTHING not used.

Some lead-in questions from the raw transcripts are different from the final version. Since this interview was done via e-mail, he adapted his questions to better fit my responses.

Also, it should be noted that, blogwise, MICHAEL has more of a family audience than I do. Regular readers here know that my blog is for me to vent about whatever I want. Even though some of the funniest stuff was cut, it wouldn't have been appropriate there. Here, if I wrote it, EVERYTHING is appropriate so what the fuck, right?

Pardon the smaller text, I wanted to save space.

Deleted Scene One: Pat Boone Says "Fuck Her!"

MM: Andy, welcome to my Blogsite. I guess if I were Alice Cooper I’d be welcoming you to my nightmare. But even Pat Boone is quoted as saying, “Hey! Alice has been through some changes lately“. Let’s start off with what you’ve been up to?

AM: Thanks for having me, Michael. It's always nice to be had.

I should mention a few minor corrections. I've actually been a professional comedian & entertainer for 21 years. My website is way overdue for some updates. I'm glad you read it though. Aside from being a comedian/juggler, I am also a humor writer hoping to develop a career as both an author & a "spoken word" artist. More like Henry Rollins than Spaulding Gray, but that sort of thing.

Funny you mention Alice Cooper and Pat Boone. I've often pictured those two appearing in a movie together in one of those scenes where some guy is having an ethical quandary. Like in "Animal House" when Tom Hulce is trying to decide if he should bang the drunken, unconscious girl and a devil & angel pop up to give him sage wisdom. Of course, in my version Pat Boone would be the one telling the guy to go for it and Alice Cooper would be the one professing goodness and honor. Just funnier that way. It actually makes more sense this way as you know Cooper has done every bad thing that accompanies being a major rock star and can speak from genuine knowledge & experience when he tells you not to do the bad thing. Pat Boone is probably dying to lash out in all sorts of profanely bad ways after years of being so squeaky clean. Besides, I just laugh at the prospect of Pat Boone popping up on a guy's shoulder and yelling, "Fuck her!"

Deleted Scene Two: You Can't Do Doggy-Style on a Peavy


MM: Sorry, I LOVE you Brooke Shields!

AM:
Was that a question? Is this interview just a way to woo Brooke Shields and Veronica Hamil? You're in the media. Arrange interviews with them. I mean, they are probably available for an interview these days. By the way, kudos to you for figuring out that the power of the internet can be used to gain favor with hot ladies. Good luck with that.

I like Brooke Shields too. She's tall and I love tall women. I think Hamil is tall as well. At least in my mind she is tall. They're both brunettes and that's always good. You know what like about tall, brunette women? Banging the ever-living hell out of them on top of a brand new Fender amplifier. Not only does Fender create the optimal sound quality of any rock amplifier, but those things are sturdy! Rock stars are tagging 8, 10 women and a few farm animals a week on top of those durable, high-performance amplifiers. Really, you just can't do doggy-style on a Peavy, can you?

Deleted Scene Three: The Complete "Woman of My Dreams" Rant

MM: We haven’t talked about your wife here. But how does a Magician meet the girl of his dreams? Or put another way, Andy. Should I begin taking lessons to capture Elizabeth Vargas, should she divorce?

AM: Not being a magician I've no idea how one would meet the girl of his dreams. I'm not a magician. I work for a living.

Of course I can't tell you how a comedian/juggler/fire eater/plate spinner/writer meets the girl of his dreams either. I've never met the woman of my dreams. I met my wife. Not that my wife isn't amazing and knowing her isn’t wonderful, but the girl of my dreams?

Nightmares are dreams and I certainly have met & dated a lot of women who would fit that criteria of dream woman. But you don't mean that, do you?

A phrase like, "the woman of your dreams" is some made up romance novel crap that just never happens. I've been a man for most of my life and I can honestly say that we men create some impossible women in our dreams. NOBODY could ever meet the standards of woman set in our dreams.

The "woman of my dreams" has Oprah's cash and wants to please me sexually more then any real woman ever could (or would now that I think of it). That woman has breasts that can grow, shrink, or even multiply as needed and she has never denied me any sexual position nor deviant act. In fact if that woman ever has had a problem with any of my requests she was always willing to learn or bring in her hot, bisexual, cheerleader/stripper friends to help. My dream woman is tall & short, blonde & brunette (but more often than not, redheaded), Asian, Irish, & Brazilian (but speaks with a British accent), intelligent & stupid all at the same time. Her body & face are perfect and differently so every time I see her and she never gains nor loses a pound without approval. She never cuts her hair without my knowledge & blessing and if her hair somehow does change she doesn't give a care if I notice. She never asks me what I'm thinking and she always waits till the commercial to ask me a question. She always knows if an outfit makes her look fat and she always knows that the woman across the room turns me on, encouraging me to look at her during dinner and then she invites her back to our home for three-way action. She makes me my martini & later holds my hair while I puke. After sex, there is always a sandwich & a cigar at the ready for me to enjoy. Once the sandwich has been eaten, more sex, sandwiches, & cigars. She watches porn, likes "Die Hard" movies, changes the oil in her car, tells me when to turn left long before the street arrives, laughs at my jokes, finds all other men to be completely unattractive, encourages me to sleep with her hot sister, mother, & cousin, and has enough spending cash & health insurance to last me a thousand lifetimes. Oh yeah, she's also a high-powered Hollywood agent and an equally powerful publishing agent and her every desire (outside of my petty sexual needs) is to make sure that everyone in the world has copies of my books, CDs, DVDs, and tickets to my next live show.

She also does all of the above things while standing upon a brand new Fender amplifier, the single greatest amplifier in music history!

That's the woman of my dreams!

My wife? She isn't rich.

Since this post is also too long, that's all for now. Believe it or not there's much more. For a COMPLETE, unedited transcript of THE INTERVIEW, e-mail me and I'll send you the file. I'm sure some Andy collector's out there would find this fascinating.

6 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

YOU are a nut...

11:29 PM

 
Blogger golfwidow said...

If you get drunk whilst sitting on one of those amps, is it a Fender-bender?

6:33 AM

 
Blogger Kelly said...

Darling Andy~~ One thought and one thought only comes to mind after reading that.~~~

DREAM ON SWEETHEART!!

Okay, so I had another thought as well~~ is your wife around? I'd like to give her a hug. ;)

I like your humor!! uhhhhhh you were kidding?~~~Right?? eh???

3:45 PM

 
Blogger Andy Land said...

That's the dream woman for just about every man, Kelly. They may not tell you so, because they're worried about having sex withheld, which is the weapon of choice for just about all women. But with only a few changes per man, that's about right. lol

And you read the rst of the piece so you know my wife gets all the huggin' she'd ever need from me.

4:05 PM

 
Blogger Gordon said...

Andy,

Could you please send me the uncut transcript...as well as a Fender Amp...and the phone numbers of some brunettes.

Some things a guy's gotta check out for himself, you know.

7:55 PM

 
Blogger Andy Land said...

Well I can deliver one of those requests. Sadly, it's just the transcripts. If I get any sort of response from Fender, then we'll talk.

I know a lot of Brunettes. There's my friend Igor, and Joe, and Frank and...

:)

8:33 PM

 

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