Peanus

If you liked "Nailing Your Wife"
then you're sure to enjoy...



"Peanus"

Christmas Penguins for Everyone!

That would, of course, include...

PHIL THE CAT!


Yes, indeed, we decided to be one of those couples
who dresses up their beloved pet, humiliating him
for our own holiday amusement.

Doesn't he look fetching in his Penguin costume?

I'm certain we're going to Hell for this.

Certainly, I am going to Hell for this!

I know he tolerates us up to a degree.
Sometimes I think he actually likes this nonsense.

But I would definitely be W-R-O-N-G!

He always poses for photos, even when they are degrading.

He knows we love him...

...Eventually, all is forgiven.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

How to Tell When You've "Made it"

When you have glassware named after you...you've made it.

Instant iPod Commercial

Just a little video I made recently. Enjoy!

Condiment day at the Martellos

Technically, condiment day was a few weeks back when we got a helluvalotta mustards sent to us from the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum. Of course, since I've not bee blogging as much as I should, you never heard about that great day. So...

Today we received another "booster pack" from the Mustard Museum. I ordered a three pack of the single greatest authentic Dijon ever made, Temeraire Authentic Dijon. What can I say? They had a great sale going on. We've got to help out a troubled economy somehow, right?

Seriously, if you haven't tried any of this glorious mustard yet, you are depriving yourself one of life's greatest treasures. I can eat this right out of the jar. No sandwiches, no salads, straight from the jar. IT IS THAT GOOD!

Also waiting on our doorstep is something I've been wanting to get for myself for some time but chose not to indulge for MANY monetary reasons. Until now.


Ladies and gentlemen, I am the proud owner of two 5oz bottles of, Tabasco brand Garlic Pepper Sauce. I discovered this in Vegas at Harrie's Bagelmania, and I've been bitter about the fact I cannot find it in ANY of our local stores ever since.

Many know I am not a big fan of hot sauces. Generally, the folks who go nuts for hot sauces do so because they have tiny little pieces of manhood in their pants and feel eating things that make their eyes water and their urine burn will help. What they forget is that flavor is the key. Hot can be great. No flavor? No need for hot.

While many don't consider the original Tabasco to be that hot, it is my favorite hot sauce. Three simple ingredients, loads of flavor, and a lot of kick. Perfect.

The Garlic Pepper Sauce is much milder than the original and uses three different kinds of peppers as well as a wonderful amount of garlic. The result is, in my opinion, perfection IMPROVED ( I know...I see the literal contradiction. Leave me alone). This sauce is truly everything anyone with any taste would want in a hot sauce. I'm amazed I waited this long to give myself the present.

That being said, I won't be waiting much longer to get the fixins for one of my killer Bloody Marys. I generally use a VERY hot and VERY flavorful sauce, Pain is Good, for these, but now I can have this on hand for when I don't want my lips to burn, but rather eagerly head back for more tasty drink.

It is Snowing on the Strip

I have no need to see or play in snow ever again. We had some snow the other night which covered the Spring Mountains and all of the Red Rock area. Very beautiful to look at, indeed, but I don't need to be driving or shoveling any of it.

Today a big storm came through and there's snow all around the Valley, including the Strip. I will confess that seeing snow falling on the Vegas Strip is quite a beautiful thing to witness. That being said, I'd rather it turn to water soon and help feed our drying Lake Mead.

Other things I don't need to be seeing so frequently...Rod-Fucking-Blagojevich! I moved out of Illinois and I believe I shouldn't have to endure his stupid haircut, his lame jokes, or his nasally voice anymore regardless of political scandal and intrigue. I can also do without having to hear every fucking news anchor screwing up his name. All of whom MUST be overpaid for not being courteous enough to get the correct pronunciation down before going to air, right?

Oh yeah! I don't need to see Carol Marin on MSNBC either! She's a wonderfully competent and accomplished news anchor and reporter from Chicago. I will never deny her her accolades and achievements as she richly deserves every penny she's made and every kind word about here ever uttered.

Now that that is out of the way, I never could stand...ok, this does sound awful...looking at her on my evening news. Something strange about watching that gal read the news to me. Maybe it had something to do with her eyes, but she always freaked me out.

So naturally, on MSNBC, the decided to bring on Carol to tell me all about...Rod-Fucking-Blagojevich!

At least she knew how to pronounce the name.

So listen up, Illinois! I miss a few people, a few places, and many restaurants from there. The snow, the Governors with the gapped teeth and the 70's hair, and the news reporters with the Rasputin eyes - DON'T MISS THEM AT ALL! Stay there and stop coming here to visit!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Here is my very own MySpace page.
Take a VERY CLOSE LOOK AT IT!
(Click to Enlarge)

Is there ANYTHING there that suggests I will be reading your messages or adding you to my "Friends List"?

FUCK NO!

I may not update as often as I'd like, but I already have
THIS BLOGGER BLOG.
You are already rarely reading, stopping by, or commenting here.
WHY on Earth would I want yet another blog/writing venue/way-to-meet-teenagers-pretending-to-be-of age-fuck-goddesses
that you are sure to ignore?

I do not use my MySpace page.
Stop trying to contact me through there.
I do not want to be on FaceBook. Stop sending me requests.
I have no desire to be LinkedIn and wish you'd
stop asking me to join.
I use this blog. I like this blog. YOU used to like it too.

Until you can give me ANY valid reason why those other, more convoluted and confusing platforms are ANY better than this simple blog I will not be joining and wasting even more time online with those social networks.

NOTE: All of this may change if I get a major gig on The Strip or on some "vote for me so I can be famous" TV show. Of course, I know you'll probably not even tell anyone to vote for me. You probably won't even watch whatever I'm in. How do I know this?
You're probably not actually reading this now!

Hell Yeah!

Yes, that is me standing with former Ringling clown,
Daniel Fernandez!

Oh yeah, the guy is the middle is Twisted Sister front man,
Dee Snider.

More on this later.

Flash games...More Addicting Than Porn?

Well, no. Not for me at least.
However I do find some enjoyment in the many free games out there.

Currently I'm trying to avoid total addiction to bloxorz!. What an infuriating and fun waste of time this is for me!

I also enjoy Blast Billiards and any free version of Gold Miner I can find.

I'm sure there are more out there. Of course, I am a bit biased, but I never tired of the Plate Spinning Game found on my main (and sorely out of date) website. Go play it if you don't believe me.

The George Carlin Table

I did not make much, if any mention of the death of George Carlin earlier this year. Mostly I kept mum about it because it was rather devastating to me. I never got to see him live, though we'd always made plans to do so. He was significant and influential in ways I'm all but certain I'll never be myself. He was a genius.

That being said, let me tell you about the show I'll be doing Tuesday night.

I am juggling at the Miss Rodeo America Pageant, which is being held at the Orleans Casino in Vegas. Want more info...click here!

The Orleans was the last regular gig in Vegas that George Carlin had and he was there very frequently. I will be working in the same showroom as he used to work.

The table provided by the Orleans for me to use as a prop table on stage during the act is referred to by the tech crew as, "The George Carlin Table". There's not much special about this table other than it is on wheels and covered in a black skirt. I asked why it had such a name. Apparently it was either built for George or simply brought into the theatre for him at his request. He wanted to use that for all his shows or benefit programs for whatever reason and since he was about the only performer to use the table every time the crew just started referring to it as "The George Carlin Table". For this evening's performance I will be using the table to hold all of my juggling props. Therefore...

The "place for my stuff" will be "The George Carlin Table".

I find nothing more wonderful about the coincidental brilliance of this fact.

I am certain that if George were alive he would find this as amusing as I do. Whether or not he would consider my stuff to be shit...I cannot say. Of course he may be more happy to know that, essentially, my balls are on his table.