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Sunday, May 24, 2009

A Golden Age for Ugly Fashion

What the hell is WRONG with you damned women? Seriously. Are you LOOKING at what you buy before you buy it? Do you even try it on first?

At the Venetian Hotel, where I spend FAR too much time every week, I see some very HOT women going out of their way to look totally fucking ridiculous all in the name of Fashion. Speaking as a guy who knows when someone looks good (looks good = boner, looks bad = comedian mercilessly making fun of you) I feel I must say something.

GOOD FUCKING LORD, there are some U-G-L-Y shoes and dresses being worn by the chicks who think they're so en vogue right now! I thought Ugg boots would have stopped you freaks from falling for ANY fashion in footwear. Apparently I was giving you FAR TOO MUCH CREDIT.
Case in point, has anyone realized that damn near any women's shoe right now looks like something an extra would wear in a Xena episode or some Ray Harryhausen-animated film? What's with all the thick, ugly straps? If I ain't at a rodeo or at a toga party I don't wanna see that much leather and I don't wanna see your ugly feet festooned in uglier footwear. Even the high-fashion slut-wear with the otherwise sexy heels are all fucked up with far too many straps and laces. What the heel is wrong with you?

Let's couple your simply DREADFUL fashion choices with those even WORSE, billowy, pseudo-sack-like, pleated, bag-dresses you are ALL wearing now. Damn I wish I knew what the fuck these awful sacks of estrogen are called! I'd post a fucking picture of them. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!

These dresses...they make you look fat. If not fat, definitely PREGNANT! Pregnant or fat, your ass looks GI-FUCKING-NORMOUS in this shit. Seriously. You look awful.

This golden age of shitacular clothing may be the ONLY time when asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?" I feel it is more than appropriate for ANY man to reply, "Yes. Fat or pregnant." Any other time, I personally would answer, "No. Your fat (or pregnancy) makes you look fat," but that's because I'm honest and don't care if I never get laid again. You can't handle the truth? Don't ask a comedian for the truth, fatty!

And while we're on the subject of what REALLY looks good, let me just say to ALL women out there, outside of some sort of high-quality bra, do not do ANYTHING to adorn, decorate, or otherwise enhance your breasts and cleavage.

No tattoos from the neck through the chest and down to the boobs. No surface piercings, and with the exception of very rare cases, NO nipple rings. The breasts are Nature's perfect food. They need no special treatment outside of general regular maintenance in the form of a good, supportive bra, coupled with a flattering outfit.

When you get a tattoo ANYWHERE near the breasts or cleavage you end up ruining the one thing (OK, the two things) that Mother Nature gave you to make ANY outfit perfect. You put a fucking butterfly tattoo in between your breasts, no matter how much you paid or how good the artists was, you look like you have a hairy, fucking chest! Place a tattoo on a tit and you take away from what may be you're best feature, personality not withstanding.

For those of you that are trying so hard to get out your, "women are more than their physical beauty...breats aren't important...I hate anything that makes us seem like playthings to you evil men...blah blah blah" arguments, you have NO PLACE in this conversation. You simply cannot comment about what makes a woman beautiful or look good. Just look at your shoes! What the fuck do you know? What? You going to roast marshmallows while Nero plays his concert or something? And man, does your ass look fat! Are you pregnant?

Decolletage, even when you got nothing to show off, is perfect. Simply perfect. Stop ruining perfection. You're pissing off EVERYONE with this. Straight men hate it. Lesbians hate it. Gay men hate it (Gay men all LOVE breasts as a fashion accessory if for no other reason.).

Speaking of gay men, these guys are NOT infallible when it comes to fashion. You REALLY need to stop listening to them all of the time whenever the next trendy outfit hits the runway. These are the guys who designed the truly hideous fashions that caused me to write this post. They also came up with the leisure suit, bell bottoms, and parachute pants. Need I say more?

Please, don't make this otherwise very heterosexual man comment about women's fashion again. We all know more about it than we'll ever let you believe. Why? because you will always ask us the really stupid questions about what you look good or bad in ALL THE TIME. We don't care f you look good. We only care if you look B-A-D. Ok, we also care if SHE looks better than YOU, but that's just how guys are. Besides, you truly only go for fashion choices AFTER they hit the stripper and porn markets anyway and generally, that's OK with us. Seriously, did ANY woman ever have a belly ring before they showed up in late 1980's porn? Um, NO!

Consider this a public service announcement. try dressing yourself once in awhile.


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