Tales From Andy Land!

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

How Social Networking is Ruining the World

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Labels: Andy Martello on Facebook, Facebook, Hanging With Friends, Social Networking, Words With Friends

Monday, February 27, 2012

Blast From the Past!

Today I was surprised by a visit from Robert Sivek of The Meetinghouse Companies. Robert has booked me countless times throughout my career. I think I worked my first gig for him in 1989 or 1990. Good lord, how time flies!

We spent a little time reminiscing about the "old days" and talking about the biz, my new show, etc. Loads of fun for me. It's nice to be surprised sometimes!

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Sunday, February 26, 2012

An Oldie but a Goodie

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Labels: Rooster with Tourette Syndrome

Saturday, February 25, 2012

I Got Nothing

Started with nothing.
Still have it. Well, most of it.
Almost out of nothing.
Ain't that something?

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Friday, February 24, 2012

Fun for Facebook

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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Long Night

Did you know Las Vegas is open 24 hours?

Trust me. I know.

[YAWN!]

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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Ash Wednesday Revisited

No, I have no intention of adding to nor changing my original commentary about Ash Wednesday, but that's not because I have nothing new to add. No, the truth is...I'm too lazy AND my internet connection has been all too pesky tonight for me to do so.

With that being said, here is an oldie, but a goodie from 2006. Enjoy!

_______________________________

All We Like Sheep — Ash Wednesday

It is no secret that I am not a fan of organized religions. I understand that people need to feel that there is something bigger than themselves and take comfort in the God & Heaven concepts. I just think that the majority of the world's ills and corruptions have been brought to us by the letter "G" and too many folks lose sight of their rational brilliant brains and substitute blind faith for logic and reason.

Christianity is among the worst of the repeat offenders, especially these days. Don't even get me started on the hypocritical Catholics. This is all my opinion, mind you. Although I do have some "evidence" to support my claim - Ash Wednesday.

It is my belief that Catholicism and a few other denominations of Christianity are more about adversely controlling your life and issuing guilt as opposed to bringing you the miraculous enlightenment that comes from a divine being and an afterlife. Ash Wednesday is a perfect example. One look at this ridiculous event and you have to see that they are just fucking with you to see how much they can get away with.

Seriously, I read the Bible. I can recall no passage that reads, "Thou shall wear shit on your forehead all fucking day." I mean even in the original Latin there's no way to find a sentence that can even remotely be translated to mean that one.

Here's how I envision the original Ash Wednesday going down.

The Catholic church needed money, likely to start a war or murder someone special. The best way to solicit cash and loyalty from their flock has always been their tried and true weapons of choice; guilt, fear, & shame. I call it the Catholic Hat Trick. You push any or all of those on someone too afraid to think for themselves and you'll have the donations flowing and the masses growing in no time.

Ahh, but how to go about it this time?

One day, high on incense fumes and drunk from sacramental wine, three priests were laughing their asses off trying to come up with ways to fuck with us. Picture one of the many basement table scenes from "That 70's Show" only with funny robes, big hats, & Italian accents.

Before too long the priests were realizing that their private collection of porn had grown to an embarrassing number of volumes and they had to dispose of it before someone noticed and busted them. Being stoned as all get-out they were very paranoid.

Now I've no idea what their porn was like back then. I can only assume it involved an oil painting of one naked breast on one fat woman, painted by one of the Ninja Turtles. Today, of course they have multiple copies of magazines guaranteed to get a Priests hot. Hustler, Swank, Boy's Life - it's all there.

I digress.

They saw their porn collection and had to get rid of it so, using the unclear thought that comes with stoner paranoia, set fire to the lot. It made quite a mess. It didn't help that once the fire was started, the drunk fuckers tossed on damn near anything that would burn. Robes, furniture, it all went on the fire. When they got around to tossing in the leftover palms from Palm Sunday things went south. See, the palms were still too fresh and wet and all they did was make more smoke and helped put out the fire, harshing their holy mellow.

However, it did give them THE idea that would change everything. Stuck with a pile of ashes they had to account for once sober, they promptly made up some bullshit story about God's word and to help prove their point, they stuck their fingers in the ashes and drew crosses on their foreheads. Well, one guy wrote, "Clapton is God" but that guy was still buzzed.

They presented their ashen foreheads to their public and explained that they must do the same or, like all Catholic punishments, would suffer an eternity in Purgatory and then an eternity in Hell for blah, blah, fucking blah.

But would the people fall for it? Of course they would. GOD TOLD THEM THEY HAD TO DO IT. O.K., some stoned priests told the flock that God told THEM they had to tell the congregation to do it, but logic and reason is all gone in religion ya know. The first Ash Wednesday found the priests covered in soot and the faithful kneeling before the altar hoping to be saved by the magic porno dust.

As each one received their messy faces and ran off, each priest was having a harder time concealing his hysteria. "They BOUGHT IT! Oh, shit! That's awesome! We should be able to parlay this into enough guilt-induced cash to fund the Corleone family one day!"

All power corrupts.

Priest #1: "Hey, my brother is a fish monger and he owes a lot of money to his bookie. Too many people eating meat to make up for the loss. Can we have 'God' tell these fools to only eat fish on Friday or something? They've already got a great Friday Night Fish Fry at the Forum, but this would surely increase profits for my brother. He'll pay us our tribute."

DONE!

Priest #2: "Oh man, we should have these morons get into a darkened wooden box and tell us EVERY naughty thing they've ever done. We can get dirt on enough people that they'll never try to buck the church for fear of us spilling the beans. We'll make them chant some silly prayers over and over like asylum inmates. OH! Wait, make them pray for forgiveness, no -ATONEMENT- and , now this is the best part, we'll ask for another donation to the 'Poor Box'. We'll be eating steak at our poker games in no time!"

Priest #1: "Fish on Fridays!"

Priest #2: "Oh right. Fish on Fridays. Can we move our poker games to Thursdays? I hate fish."

DONE & DONE!

Once the last of the congregation was gone and people were walking around the town covered in crap, the priests refined this a bit. They still gathered and burned porn. After all if they got caught with the porn they could claim that they were doing the right thing by destroying it. They retained leftover palms for a full year so they'd be good and dry (and they helped cover up all the porn in the closets nicely).

Realizing just how easy the people were to fool and control they decided to take it one step further.

Priest #3" "Next, let's tell them they can ONLY have sex in order to have kids! They'll NEVER fall for that."

Enjoy your Ash Wednesday. Oh wait, that's not the point. You're supposed to start suffering and depriving yourselves of cherished things for about a month. That must have been one more little caveat the stoned porn-loving men of God added on. Well, enjoy your pointless suffering.

By the way, you've got something on your forehead.

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Labels: Ash Wednesday

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Tales of the Tail

A little background on the origins of my infamous queue are often asked of me. So here you go.

I first grew a ponytail my Freshman year of high school after taking a summer drama class at Maine South High School, where my father taught. One of my dad's students, good friend Chris Kraco (I've shown you some of the early promo photos he shot for me years ago) was not only a juggler and big inspiration to continuing to learn juggling and magic tricks, but he was the first person I'd ever seen with a ponytail. I thought it was cool. I thought he was cool. I thought being a juggler was cool and by association, I thought I would be cool if I had a ponytail. It seemed more than a fitting tribute to a guy who meant a lot to me, if not a stereotypical thing to do to be a juggler who had long hair of some kind. lol

My mother was somewhat opposed to the idea at first and I'm sure my dad was as well. I got the typical "not under my roof" types of speeches. Of course, all I really had to do was say to my bald father, "It's just hair," and then look at his shiny dome and then show my mother a photo of my 60s/70s/ hipster/stoner older brother from his high school days. Soon thereafter the ponytail was approved.

At the time I had no idea it would be such a big deal. However it wasn't long before I realized that Chris lived in suburban Chicago where stuff like that wasn't as big a deal and I lived in ultra-rural Marengo, IL where that sort of thing could get you tarred and feathered. After all, if you didn't have a very short, farmer buzz cut, you were probably a major threat to society as a whole.

I was tormented often by folks at school, mostly a$holes who were never really friends of mine to begin with, but are eager to reconnect of Facebook today. Heh.

With that being said, I kept the tail and lived with the abuse, mostly because it was kinda cool and because it was certainly different for Marengo. Of course, it didn't hurt that the stupid thing managed to attract a lot of attention from...GIRLS! I didn't quite realize HOW popular it was with the ladies until after the first 10 months of the tail's life.

After ten months i decided to cut off the thing. Once I did, EVERYONE, and I mean everyone made an even bigger deal about the thing being gone. "Why'd you cut it?" and more importantly, "When are you going to grow a new ponytail?" were the questions I heard most often. The second of the two questions was asked primarily by...GIRLS! I began to humor the prospect of growing another one someday.

Some time later (I will refrain from providing an exact amount of time to protect the embarrassed), while enjoying some rather serious making out, which likely resulted in sex (at least that's how I remember it) in the back of my mother's Ford Taurus station wagon (OH. My. GOD! Really?) the lovely lady foolish enough to enjoy a romp with me repeatedly whispered into my ear, "Grow a tail." NOW the thought of growing another tail was VERY MUCH IN MY BRAIN (the big brain and the little one). Still, long after that girl was gone from the picture I refrained from growing a new ponytail for some time until...

Two weeks before my Junior Prom, I started the tail that has been with me the last 25 years. It had nothing to do with the girl I was dating at the time. I just felt it was time to start another one.

More tales of the tail later in the week.

I'm considering finally removing the trademark ponytail on April 25th of this year. Many have said I should. An equal number have said I shouldn't. What do you think? Post your comments at my Facebook fan page!

www.facebook.com/andymartelloentertainment

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Labels: Andy Martello's Ponytail

Monday, February 20, 2012

The End of an Era...Possibly.

With so many recent, big changes in my life (Some day I'll be able to fully expound upon them.) I have been giving great thought to cutting off my "trademark" ponytail.

While I understand that a large percentage of people out there are saying, "It's about f@#$%!g time!" there are also a lot of you who will be thinking things like, "NOOOOO!" or "Huh? Really? Why?" I also fully accept the fact that the majority of you are saying, "Who really gives a sh!t?" or more likely, "Yeah, yeah...can you get me tickets to see The Price is Right Live? I wanna meet Joey Fatone."

With that being said, I think the era of the ponytail may soon be over in Andy Land. It will be celebrating its 25th birthday on April 25, 2012 and will probably be gone that same day IF I am indeed cutting it off.

I'm asking for your opinions on this classic "Should I stay or should I go" proposition. Since I must keep comments off of this blog for the time being, thanks to a nameless a$$hole, I ask that you post your comments and thoughts at my Facebook fan page.

Go to www.facebook.com/andymartelloentertainment and let me know your pros and cons for and against removing the legendary ponytail. You may have to LIKE the page before leaving your comment if you are not already a fan.

Tune in throughout the week for more Tales of the Tail.

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Labels: Andy Martello's Ponytail

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A Day of Rest

After the show at Bally's perhaps.

There's no rest for the wicked nor the Announcer!

Show time is at 2:30. Don't be late!

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Labels: Andy Martello Announcer, Andy Martello at Bally's Hotel and Casino, The Price is Right Live

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Another Day, Another Dollar...or TWO

Last "two-a-day" day at TPIRL.
Been loads of fun, but loads of work adding the
special shows for the Lottery crowds!

Looking forward to resuming normal programming
and looking forward to the next run of...um...
"abmormal programming?"

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Labels: Andy Martello Announcer, The Price is Right Live

Friday, February 17, 2012

Craig Ferguson is Just Awesome

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Labels: Craig Ferguson

Thursday, February 16, 2012

My Work

This is me at work.

This is the view from my "office."

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Labels: Andy Martello Announcer, Andy Martello at Bally's Hotel and Casino, The Price is Right Live

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Full Metal Jousting? REALLY?

At least at Medieval Times there is food and busty bar wenches. Perhaps some ale. Were it not for the fact that I'm afraid there'd be another program about people who live in a swamp I'd BEG for a do-over.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

This Still Makes Me Laugh

Click for a larger image.

While you're at it, read my column from several years back
The Folly of valentine's Day

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Labels: Andy Martello Columnist, Columns by Andy Martello, Valentine's Day

Monday, February 13, 2012

Ladies & Gentlemen...The Duck Song

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Labels: The Duck Song

Sunday, February 12, 2012

This Guy is HEE-LARIOUS!

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Saturday, February 11, 2012

George Takei will probably post this. ;)

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Labels: Bohemian Rhapsody, Four Queens, George Takei, Queen II

Friday, February 10, 2012

Of course I like PENGUINS!

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Labels: Penguins

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Read. Share. Repeat.

Please read my current column at the North Las Vegas Voice.

What's in a Name?

Page 4. Send it to your friends.

:)

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Labels: Andy Martello Columnist, Andy Martello Writer, Columns by Andy Martello, North Las Vegas, North Las Vegas Voice

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

The Chuck Jones Experience

I love being able to find new and fun things to do in Las Vegas. Recently, The Chuck Jones Experience opened up at Circus Circus and few people could be as happy as I was to hear that bit of news!

If you miss the Warner Brothers stores at your shopping malls, are a fan of the GREAT Chuck Jones, or have always wished there was a museum you could play with, then this is your lucky day.

Fun, educational, & interactive, The Chuck Jones Experience features tons of original artwork and sketches from throughout the career of one of the greatest names in animation. You'll feel like you're inside a Looney Tunes cartoon and enjoy learning about the man behind some of the world's most memorable characters.

Full of exhibits that will appeal to any age guest, this is easily one of my favorite new things to do in Sin City. They opened two weeks ago and have a ten-year lease at the hotel. Here's hoping they are there the entire time and drawing big crowds every single day.

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Labels: Chuck Jones, Las Vegas, The Chuck Jones Experience

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

[SIGH!]

That's all I have to say about that.

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Monday, February 06, 2012

Already Jonesin' for Football Stuff?

Enjoy learning about where the best
helmets in football are made!

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Labels: Riddell Helmets

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Not My Worst Night in Vegas. :)

The Price is Right Live meets The Price is Right

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Labels: Andy Martello Announcer, Drew Carey, Joey Fatone, The Price is Right Live

Saturday, February 04, 2012

How is it possible?

Much in the same way I have a difficult time believing that more networks don't play Planes, Trains, & Automobiles on Thanksgiving, I am equally confused when I can't find anyone playing Groundhog Day on...well, Groundhog Day.

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Friday, February 03, 2012

What's in a Name?

Please head to the North Las Vegas Voice
website to read my latest column on page 4.
http://www.northlasvegasvoice.net

Once you're done, LIKE them on Facebook and rave about my writing!
https://www.facebook.com/northlasvegasvoice

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Labels: Andy Martello Author, Andy Martello Columnist, Andy Martello Writer, Columns by Andy Martello, North Las Vegas, North Las Vegas Voice

Thursday, February 02, 2012

A Busy, Fun Day Tomorrow

Rehearsing at TPIRL now, then the show at 2:30.
Tomorrow will be a busy one. Dropping off my billboard, stopping by a casino collectibles show, TPIRL, then off to the Adam Ant concert. WHEW!

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Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Big Changes in February

Thanks to some other big changes in my life, which I choose not to discuss publicly at this time, I am hoping to make a few big changes this month. Not the least of which is a month of no alcohol.

I'm not at all worried that I drink too much or anything like that. However I have packed on some serious pounds since around mid-November and very much of that has to do with a rather large increase in drinking, accompanied by a large decrease in activity. So...

As a type of body cleanse I will be reviving my once-great tradition of riding my bike and walking every day as well as spending the month without alcohol. I of course will increase other activities and resume some of my healthier eating habits.

Yes, I realize I picked the shortest month of the year to go without a drink. Yes, that is completely a strategic move. ;) WAIT—this is a leap year? DAMMIT!

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