This Still Makes Me Laugh

Click for a larger image.

While you're at it, read my column from several years back
The Folly of valentine's Day

______________________________________

www.andymartello.com

Like Andy? "LIKE" Andy on Facebook!

Like Andy That Much? BOOK ANDY!

Call 702-465-5604 or email andy@andymartello.com

Andy on YouTube

Read. Share. Repeat.

Please read my current column at the North Las Vegas Voice.

What's in a Name?

Page 4. Send it to your friends.

:)

______________________________________

www.andymartello.com

Like Andy? "LIKE" Andy on Facebook!

Like Andy That Much? BOOK ANDY!

Call 702-465-5604 or email andy@andymartello.com

Andy on YouTube

What's in a Name?

Please head to the North Las Vegas Voice
website to read my latest column on page 4.
http://www.northlasvegasvoice.net


Once you're done, LIKE them on Facebook and rave about my writing!
https://www.facebook.com/northlasvegasvoice

______________________________________

www.andymartello.com

Like Andy? "LIKE" Andy on Facebook!

Like Andy That Much? BOOK ANDY!

Call 702-465-5604 or email andy@andymartello.com

Andy on YouTube

Read it Now Before the New Issue Hits!

If you haven't read it yet, check out my latest column
at the North Las Vegas Voice.


They don't have a direct link, but if you click here
and go to page 16/17...there I'll be!

______________________________________

www.andymartello.com

Like Andy? "LIKE" Andy on Facebook!

Like Andy That Much? BOOK ANDY!

Call 702-465-5604 or email andy@andymartello.com

Andy on YouTube

WHEW!

OK, all is right with the world again. I just got a return call from the guy who booked me for that event and I have all the info I needed. Of course, I was right about most of the pertinent details, but until I get confirmation I have little choice but to panic and plan my exit strategy to leave showbiz altogether!

It figures that minutes after posting about my dilemma that it would all be solved. Maybe I KNEW that would happen if I made a panicky post here.

In order to promote moving on to more exciting things I thought I'd give the direct link to my Gacy Article at Gapers Block. So Click the shit out of that link right now!

Also from the "required reading" department: Liz Ross. I really like her work and can't wait to read more!

The Krafty One is Watching & Other Blog News

I was so pleased to read today a little note from my current blog-crush, Sacha, of Shes-Krafty.com. I sent her an e-mail touting her mighty blogging goodness and requesting a link and she was kind enough to e-mail back. You really should read her blog. Very cool stuff and a great look. Were I a bit more krafty I'd strive to make this place as hip. Thanks, Sacha. I made all the links in this post PINK in your honor.

MissyMae is having a bad day. Not only is she a bit upset with my article in The Cheers, but there's another blogger out there blasting her for what she writes.

Now I have professed nothing but undying love for this queen of the under-sexed blogging world and I most definitely didn't write anything bad about her in my piece. I guess she's a bit upset that I brought up the possibility that Missy "Mae" not be a girl at all. But if you read the article, you'll see that I only posed the possibility and also stated that whomever is writing the work, it is just great fun to read and a must-see if you like blogs.

As for the other blogger breaking bad on my girl, I made sure to go and post my thoughts about MissyMae and all the good that comes out of the Small Town Sex Blog. However, I think the kid can use a little pick-me-up. So why not e-mail MissyMae and send her some good cheer!

She says there's been only about 5 or 6 hits from The Cheers leading to her site. I've gotten quite a few e-mails from folks who've claimed to check out the link I posted so, if you've been enjoying MissyMae's ongoing struggles, drop her a line and cheer the gal up.

This is a whole new world to me. I see that BLOG WARS might need to be examined some other time.

Gapers Block & The Cheers

With all the excitement and fun I had yesterday, I forgot to mention a few little goodies about my writing. Thank goodness I can rectify these matters...by blogging some more!

This week at The Cheers you can read my commentary & partial review of various SEX BLOGS out there. It has not sky-rocketed to the top of the most read list yet, but I am confident that it will once you see all the disturbing links I included for your enjoyment. If not, hey - it is not about the fame and fortune, right?


More importantly, This FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1 you can read "My Dinner With Gacy" in the virtual pages of Gapers Block, a most excellent net-zine that is very Chicago-centric. It is my first time being published outside of my little world with The Cheers and Eklektikos. Please check it out!

Pyrat XO Reserve - The Greatest Damn Rum on the PLANET!

Both gigs I had to day were great! I got some time in the sun. I made many people happy. I got PAID! Seemed like a good night to crack open one of my stash of Pyrat XO Reserve!

Greg the bartender at the Rum Jungle in Las Vegas got me turned on to this stuff a couple of years back and I have been crazed for it ever since. I have a rule in the house: I will ALWAYS have at least one sealed bottle in reserve before considering opening up a bottle. I NEVER want to be without the stuff so long as I live, it is THAT GOOD!

Seriously, if you have EVER done anything good in your life, you OWE it to yourself to have a straight snifter of Pyrat XO Reserve in your glass. If something were to happen to me where I couldn't have the stuff any more I'd probably off myself without hesitation.

Some people even consider mixing this rum with ...other ingredients! Seems like a waste of good rum to me, but go ahead and give it a whirl. It won't make your drink taste BAD.

In other news...Tomorrow at The Cheers, my review & commentary article about SEX BLOGS! I gave the most positive review of my favorite, Small Town Sex Blog. I hope you enjoy!

Aw, fuck all this crap! I want more RUM!!!

Asians for Martello, Pt II

Well, I posted a reponse to Kyoko's post about my lack of structure and sub-structure at The Cheers, as illustrated the other day. Today I read this in return...

Added 2004-09-24 11:42:18
by Kyoko
asians for martello

Is that you, Mr. Martello? True, true it is that one man's open structure is another man's style. You are just different than any of the writers I normally read. Yet, I like your writing quite a lot! So funny!I wondered what would it be like if you wrote as a columnist in a regular, more traditional print paper? Because you are better than all those guys and the form would only help you get through more easier to the masses. Then again, I am liking youre writing better than most of those other guys in bigger papers. Maybe youre different structure's the reason!Anyways, thank you for that, and I am definately already telling most all my friends.

As my good friend Pat McCurdy says, "All is right with the world tonight. All is right with the world."

Unfortunately, I've been exceedingly depressed lately. Not becuase of the post at The Cheers or anything. I can't really say what's bothering me becuase of this being such a public blog. I've been writing an extremely depressing blog entry about it, but I can't seem to pull the trigger on posting it for fear that someone will call the police and send the anti-suicide squad over here to lock me up without my shoelaces. For now it is a saved draft which may or may not see the light of day.

Kyoko's post did make me smile though. Thanks for that.

Go to The River Walk Journal!

I just found out that my Writing Prompts article has been included in the home page of the prestigious River Walk Journal. This is a most excellent writer's resource run by Elizabeth Ross and I am quite honored to be listed on her pages. I am so pleased I thought I'd plug every damn one of her websites right here for ya. Click the living daylights out of these links!

River Walk Journal
http://www.riverwalkjournal.org/

Sabina's World - Home Page
http://www.riverwalkjournal.org/liz/

Sabina's World Editing Group
http://sabina2671.proboards27.com/index.cgi

The Philosophical Mother
http://philosophicalmother.typepad.com/

MomsVoice
http://www.momsvoice.com/

Blog
http://www.xanga.com/lizross

And of course, to read what Liz calls, "A fresh (honest) look at theworld of writing prompts," click HERE!

M.S.O.E., Writing Prompts, and Asians for Martello

Had a great show the other night at the Milwaukee School of Engineering. College crowd, Greek Week, pizza - how could it be anything BUT a good time? I love working college crowds. I get to let my hair down a bit and amaze people with a show I can only describe as "not your typical happy juggling show."

I got to hit on a student named Abby and torture another student named Randy. It was one hour of dark comedy, somewhat skillful juggling, and the grateful feelings I have whenever I realize that I am one lucky sonofabitch for being able to make a living as an entertainer. I can only hope to get more shows like that down the road.

Also, my Writing Prompts article at The Cheers is being read by MANY people and I am very happy to see the comments and hear that people are responding well to the work. In just a couple of days, over 165 people have clicked on to read the article and while I know it is not a gargantuan number in internet terms, it is one great number to me. As always, thanks for reading!

Of course in the forums today someone went to the "Comment About Your Favorite Author" section to write a most unusual post. I can't decide if I'm being praised or having my balls busted. I'll save you the time looking at the link and quote it here.

Topic: Asians For Martello, Unite!
Author: KyokoAdded 2004-09-23 10:18:10

Asians For Martello, Unite!Would it not be the most absolutely amazing thing if Mr. Martello wrote in a truly traditional article form?His terrific wit, with more structure and sub-structure to it, would make the masses of Internet people come running to www.thecheers.org.

What the hell does that mean? I have no idea if I should be flattered or pissed off! Of course, it is one more person actually reading the work so who the hell cares if I should be happy or not?

One Thing that SUCKS About Having a Cold...

...eventually, you get to LIKE the taste of TheraFlu.

The new issue of The Cheers is up. Please check out my latest, "September Writing Prompts". Anyone who has ever tried to become a writer is likely to be familiar with these stupid little exercises. If you are one of those people, this article is for you.

Random Notes

We've got some yahoo posting to the Cheers Forum about wanting news satire stories. There are only about 3 posts in the entire forums section right now and two of them are about news satire. I like that we have at least ONE reader that is interested in our magazine enough to make a suggestion, but really, aren't there enough news satire places out there to keep you occupied?

Isn't The Onion the reigning king of this field? We have some good writers on staff at The Cheers, but we also have some LOUSY ones. I'm very confident that when someone finally does tackle the news satire it will be from one of our LOUSY contributors. Few things are worse than BAD SATIRE. I think this guy is actually one of the staffers trying to stir the pot a little.

I'm in the middle of a busy weekend of gigs and, of course, I have a fucking cold! It is hard enough trying to make geriatrics laugh without making their respirators freak out, but to try and do it with a swollen and sore throat is too much to take. I'm on so many damn cold medications right now I'm amazed there aren't more typos in this post.

Anyway, Monday has new issues of The Cheers and Eklektikos. With those new issues will come some new articles from yours truly.

The Cheers will feature a very funny article SATIRIZING the writing prompts sent out by Writer's Digest.

Eklektikos will be publishing an article about the O.J. Simpson verdict and why I didn't care one iota the bastard was acquitted.

I got an e-mail from MissyMae at Small Town Sex Blog! I'm so pleased. I'm still too chicken-shit to ask for a link exchange. Look for an article in The Cheers Sept. 27 about sex blogs.

More later. Must drain and medicate right now.

The Cheers & "Curses! Cubs Again!"

Well at least 100 people have clicked on my "Fun With Ego-Surfing" article at The Cheers this week. I should be much happier about that. Unfortunately it tells me that there are ONLY about 100 people reading The Cheers. We need more readers! Ah well, you've got to build a mountain from a little hill according to some old song I know.

I was just asked by a friend of mine to tape a show on ESPN about the curses of the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. I wrote a piece about the Cubs and their many curses for The Cheers and I thought I'd reprint it here for you. I was going to wait until after they were eliminated from the Wild Card Race, but what the hell?

Incidentally, just a short time after this piece ran, the Cubs were placed right smack-dab on the cover of Sports Illustrated, which paved the way for the Sports illustrated Cover Jinx to demolish the Cubs. Unbelievable!

Curses! Cubs Again

By Andy Martello

Originally Printed in The Cheers

Recently, here in Chicago, a big to do was made about the destruction of the now infamous “Bartman Baseball.” For those who are unfamiliar with this relic, it is the foul ball that was blamed for causing the Cubs to lose the National League Championship Series last year. Steve Bartman made an attempt to catch the ball and have a fantastic souvenir from a rare Cubs playoff appearance. That’s all he did. His action may or may not have made Moises Alou miss the ball and lead to the demise of the Cubs. Regardless, “Bartman’s Curse” was born.

I got to thinking about baseball and curses. We all know about the curse on the Red Sox involving the trading of Babe Ruth to the Yankees. But the Cubs seem to have the corner of the market on curses. To some fans, these curses explain why the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908. If you ask the average Cubs fan if he believes in curses, he’ll always say,

“NO! CURSES BAD DON'T BELIEVE CURSES.”

However, whenever something bad befalls the beloved team, the fans take on a rather selective belief in curses.

There’s the famous “Goat Curse” put on the Cubs by the owners of the Billy Goat Tavern after their goat was denied access to a ballgame. I must say, since that curse didn’t come along until 1945, I can’t see how that explains the Cubs not winning a World Series since 1908.

The 1980s provided a couple of good seasons marred by the “Curse of Steve Garvey“ & “Leon Durham‘s Curse”. A home run and a Buckner-esque bobbled ground ball made all the difference in the world to the cursed Cubs.

Not only do the Cubs have their own Red Sox/Babe Ruth-style curse, but they’ve got two of them. In 1964 they foolishly traded future Hall of Famer Lou Brock for future Trivial Pursuit answer, Ernie Broglio, creating “Lou’s Curse.“ The late 80s provided a GREAT pitching prospect in Greg Maddux. He won his first Cy Young Award in Chicago and things looked great for the Cubbies until the team’s owners made little or no effort to retain this future Cooperstown resident. Maddux went to Atlanta and “The Great Greg Maddux Curse of 1993“ was born.

In 1969, there was the famous "Black Cat Curse," where a fan actually smuggled a black cat into the park and threw it out onto the field, where it crossed paths with Ron Santo. Many believe that it was the cat that caused the Cubs to give up a seemingly insurmountable lead in the National League and lose everything to the Mets. Isn't it funny how nobody blames the cat for Ron Santo’s absence in the Hall of Fame? Hmmm…

The deaths of legendary broadcasters Harry Caray and Jack Brickhouse spurred a minor curse of their own. In 1998, Harry Caray, Cubs broadcaster for 16 years, and Jack Brickhouse, Cubs broadcaster for 30+ years, passed away. When the time came for fitting tributes to these great baseball men, Harry got a statue raised in his honor outside of the park, as well as the continuing tribute of the 7th inning stretch guest conductors at the park. There are frequent ceremonies and photos honoring Caray to this day. Brickhouse was honored with signs in the outfield that simply said, "Hey Hey", honoring his famous home run tag. Supposedly this upset the Brickhouse family. The newspaper writers as well as WSCR radio personality Mike North felt that the lesser display of respect for Jack Brickhouse resulted in “Jack's Curse.“ Whether this naming of yet another curse was serious or joking, the Cubs lost to the Braves in the divisional series. Greg Maddux and Jack Brickhouse’s ghost were no doubt amused.

More recently, the Tribune company (owners of the Chicago Cubs) wanted to make plans for rennovations on Wrigley Field that included putting up opaque windscreens on the outfield fences. These screens blocked the view of the rooftop viewers and Wrigley neighbors, angering them so much that “The Rooftop Curse” was born.

My favorite tale of Chicago Cubs curses came in the 1989 season (another rare playoff appearance). A fan sent a silly little poem he'd written called "The Hex" to WGN radio. It was a rhyming incantation whereby the reading would temporarily jinx the opposing team and lead to a Cubs victory. DeWayne Staats, the Cubs radio announcer at the time, would bring out The Hex at opportune times and oddly enough, the Cubs would occasionally win. THIS was exactly what the Chicago Cubs needed; a curse they could use to their advantage. It seemed as though the Cubs had it all. That is, until complaints came in from the listeners about how using any sort of spell or hex was black magic and invoked the favor & wrath of the Devil himself. They would not stand for such childish embracing of daemonic arts and demanded The Hex be removed from the broadcast. One complaint letter claimed that "Cubs fans do not condone the black arts and more importantly do not believe in the notion of curses." The Hex was removed. The team went to the playoffs and lost in five games.

Clearly, the Cubs fans have proven one thing to me.

YES. CURSES REAL. MUST BELIEVE IN CURSES!

Now, what would happen if Steve Bartman’s goat jumped off of a Chicago rooftop, landing on a Lou Brock rookie card owned by Greg Maddux? I bet Jack Brickhouse would be pissed!

© 2004 Andy Martello, All Rights Reserved

One Last Baseball Fling!

When summing up My Baseball Summer I was certain I was done going to games. All the seasons are essentially over. All that is left are Major League games, which as I've stated before, are not as much fun if you live in Chicago.

My last game had fireworks, The Lansing Lugnuts, and I caught a foul ball! How could I end a summer of baseball any better than that?

How about this? CHAMPIONSHIP BASEBALL!

Yes indeed, I have one last chance to watch a Minor League game and to make it better, it is a game for the Midwest League Championships. We rarely ever get to see championship baseball around these parts so I am still amazed at the prospect.

My local Kane County Cougars are playing their last home game of the season against the West Michigan Whitecaps. I haven't checked the standings, but I know that this is their World Series so I am very excited! I am sure it will be a nice epilogue to a great summer. I'll give you a report later.

While I'm gone, send more people over to The Cheers to read my latest article. I'd like to get the total number of readers over 100 before I leave.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly - SEX BLOGS!

It is inevitable. You go online, you eventually look for porn. That trend carries into the blogging world. You start a blog, eventually you look for a sex blog.

Actually, sex blogs are finding me. I regularly check the updated blog list from Blogger and when I see a title of one that intrigues me I click on it and hope to find something interesting. Do I ALWAYS click on blogs that are quite obviously about sex? Well yeah, but that's NOT the point. The point is that sex blogs are something of an added bonus to becoming a blogger.

As with all blogs or the creating them you may or may not be getting the real story. You can be anyone online and nobody really seems to care if we're lied to so long as we're entertained.

Currently I am fascinated with the Small Town Sex Blog. I trust that this woman's tales and exploits (or lack thereof) are genuine, but wouldn't be surprised to find out that it is all bullshit. Regardless, I like the stories, the human drama involved...aw hell, I love hearing chicks that may or may not be hot talking dirty!

Having gone to a few different sex blogs I have to list this one as "The Good" because it seems so much more genuine and not just someone putting on a good show. Most sex blogs are either bad links to other sites or really horrible attempts at erotic literature. This blog is a great read and were I to be writing a sex blog I'd want it to be like this one. I'd love to ask this gal to do a link exchange but she seems to only be interested in other sex blogs so I will just sit and enjoy.

"The Bad" & "The Ugly" were made one the day I stumbled upon Lawrence's Ladies - Diary of a Porn Star. I'm not saying I wasn't entertained by this as it is too damn funny for words. Well, "funny" may not be the right word. How about "sad" instead? You'll check it out and see for yourself no doubt.

This horribly pale, poorly-tattooed guy won some sort of contest where he would get to BE a porn star for a day and maybe launch a new career. The catch? He must make it to the final pop-shot on film or suffer the consequence...get banged in the ass with a strap-on. At least its the hot porn chick doing the banging IF you fail to perform. That's still something, right?

How did it go? Well you can click on the video link at his blog - Oh wait! Let me just add this one HERE for ya.

I'm sure I'll find more fun stuff during my blogging career. I am still not quite certain why anyone would publish their sexual exploits for all the world to see. But then again, creating any sort of blog where you share a little or a lot of yourself is somewhat odd. I am sure that there are psyche students everywhere working on a thesis about this very thing.

Besides, who am I to talk? Check out this story I wrote for The Cheers about an experience I had after Prom Night called, "Hair of the Dog."

Berkeley & Me

WOW! Already 50 or so people have checked out my latest article at The Cheers. Sure, with the vast cavernous expanse of the internet, 50 people may not seem like much. But the site is still quite new they have only word of mouth advertising right now so it makes me feel good knowing that SOMEBODY is reading. Thanks to all for logging on and reading my work.

I've received a few e-mails from people new to my work regarding my little barb at cartoonist, Berkeley Breathed, found at the end of my recent piece. Rather than waste a lot of time explaining the whole stupid story, I'll direct you to the columns that started it all.

My Own Little Opus

Opus II, The Penguin Hunt Continues

Chasing Berkeley

"Fun With Ego-Surfing", This Week at The Cheers

Well, the new look of The Cheers Magazine is up and running. New features, new games, new cartoons, same pay rate!

I'm still quite frustrated that they do not have a "sort by author" feature or at the very least, by-lines for the featured articles on the sidebar, but I can't complain. It is a very cool new looking site that should only get better and better. If enough people read and send complaints to the editor maybe these things will change.

Head on over to read and comment on "Fun With Ego-Surfing" . I'm sure all the articles this week are quite good, except one written by a back-stabbing comic that's just coming to The Cheers to piss in my pool. So don't read that one.

Summer, Football, & The Cheers

This is always among my least favorite times of the year. I don't really buy into the whole "dog days" thing, because there are many beautiful days to enjoy towards summer's end.

No, I get sad for a few reasons.

• The amount of bookings decreases. This is a temporary thing but I ALWAYS end up believing I'll never get work again.
• Most Minor League & Independent League baseball seasons come to a close and I am forced to pay a little more attention to the Majors, which in Chicago is NOTHING but a bad time!
• The worst of all games, FOOTBALL, becomes the prevalent televised ball-handling activity.

I've never liked the game. It is filled with convoluted rules and too much of the game can be affected by the presence of ONE great superstar as opposed to the hard work of several good no-name players. This is not a team sport nor is it an entertaining one.

Plus, if you live in the Chicago area you become very aware of the fact that we have NO "professional" sports teams at all, much less a football team. Chicago has had a few championships to boast about, but for the most part, being a fan of a team in Chicago is a little like being a closeted masochist. You LOVE the pain, but don't want anyone else to know about your obsession.

Tomorrow SHOULD bring about the BRAND NEW LOOK of The Cheers! I'm looking forward to seeing how the new look and more enjoyable features will affect the readership of the magazine. I have one article in the issue, "Fun With Ego-Surfing" which talks about internet fame and the fun of Googlism. I hope you enjoy it!

Good Stuff to Read at TheCheers.org & Eklektikos.org

The last few days of the "Best of The Cheers" are this week. It was nice to see seven of my articles selected for reprinting. I like that they have the comments and ratings features in the magazine. I get a better idea as to how many people are reading and hopefully enjoying my work. It is funny to see how even within the confines of a "best of" issue, articles like "Parting Gifts" and "Good Show" stay among the least read of the works, even though they're ones I'm particularly proud of. Ah well. Next week, look for a BRAND NEW look for The Cheers as well as another little entry from your's truly called, "Fun with Ego-Surfing".

Readers are also heading to Eklektikos in large numbers. While the mag is new and not as flashy as others out there, it does have some excellent articles to read. They've got my new "Welcome to Andy's World" piece up there this week, as well as a continuation of my "Pass the Soap, Wilbur" story.

I'll have another new piece up next week. I'm not even sure what it will be yet. I'll probably leave my special little story about where I was the day the infamous O.J. Simpson verdict came down. Who knows?