"Hey Look, I'm on TV!" aka, Why Actors Suck

I'm off to play a gangster in an upcoming TV production detailing the lives of Al Capone & other famous Chicago mobsters. This is likely to be on A&E as it is being produced by none other than Mr. Bill Kurtis, whom I've worked with in the past.

I took the job because a friend of mine is the casting director and he needed the bodies to fill the screen. Plus, I had nothing else going on today other than the usual marketing of the biz, MAYBE cleaning the apartment, and playing online. I did not take this gig for the money.

Why? The money is AWFUL!

I know I'd be getting paid much better if I were someone with actual lines or clout of any kind, but for this job, I'm mostly one of the guys in the background, shooting Tommy-guns at cops, looking good in secret meetings, etc. So I'll get a fantastic $100.00 for my day, which will start at about 10AM (to accommodate the drive into downtown) and end around 10 or 11 PM (also allowing for drive time back home).

Now, here's the shitty part...any actors that are reading this are going crazy saying, "$100.00? Quit your bitching! I'll work twice as long for $100.00!" See, they're used to doing extra work for even longer days and making MAYBE $50.00 for the whole day. Actors lap that shit up as if it were mother's milk and they do it because they think it is going to lead to their big break. It won't. It never does.

IF you can make a living sustaining yourself with extra work, God bless you! Fill out your resume and enjoy the donuts. I like making my living getting paid for my comedy, juggling, corporate gigs, etc. I take the extra gigs for fun and fun only. The $700.00 I made over the weekend for a couple of juggling shows is much better than the hundo I'll pull down for this thing today. But...today I'll get to hang with Bill Kurtis, and be able to say, "Hey look, I'm on TV!"

I'll have more about the shitty life of an actor down the road. I'll also report on the quality of the donuts at Curtis Productions later.

You Can't Go Home Again

I grew up in a small town called Marengo, IL. It is near Rockford, IL and about 60 miles west of Chicago. A girl I once dated, and occasional Andy Land reader, once made describing where Marengo is in the simplest of terms. Since most people have never heard of the place it became necessary to often explain where to find it, unless you were fine with just saying you were from Rockford. She said that, "Marengo was half-way between Garden Prairie and Union". Small towns are not without their humorous folks!

The other night I went "home" to perform at the annual President's dinner for the Marengo-Union Chamber of Commerce. The fact that they even have a website for me to link to still shocks me! Marengo is a small town comprised of mostly farmers, and Chicago suburbanites looking to avoid to suburban sprawl by ADDING to the suburban sprawl of another town. I learned how to juggle there. I became a performer there. I found out the other night that I was too hip for the room when I lived there and I was too hip for the room today!

It was a good show, but it was not the liveliest of crowds. The fact that I was a home-town guy should have lent a little more generosity towards me, or at least gotten a few more laughs. That's just how these things work! But it was a crowd where the older folks who didn't understand what the hell kind of anarchist I was as a kid still didn't understand who I am now.

The folks I knew in the room were divided by whether or not they thought I was funny or a smart-ass back then. Strange night!What was strange was seeing some folks I went to high school with being productive members of society. There were folks in the room who bought me my first package of condoms, folks who's children I babysat for, folks whom I tried to date, folks who wanted to kick my ass, folks who had no idea who I was nor could they figure out why I had such long hair.

My personal favorite moment? The event was held at Donley's Wild West Town, then known as Seven Acres Antique Village, and it has always been the ONLY PLACE WITHIN 40 MILES to hold any sort of special event. Marengo used to have a nice restaurant called the Cloven Hoof and a theatre called Shady Lane Playhouse, but for all intents and purposes, any nice event would have NO CHOICE but to be held at Donley's. Sure you could have some kind of reception at the American Legion or maybe even at the high school, but then everyone would know you were poor! Naturally, every damn prom ever held in Marengo's history has been at this place. I went to 4 of them in the same very place.

In the audience was my old high school principal. I couldn't resist taking the time to make a joke about being back in the old prom location (new room, same property) and talking about having myself a Jack & Coke while I was waiting to go onstage. I followed the set-up with, "Wow. I was just thinking. I haven't had a Jack & Coke in this room since my senior prom." Got a laugh, but of course, it may be causing controversy at this very moment in my absence!

I had fun. But it was a VERY STRANGE NIGHT! If you were there, drop me a line and let me know how the town is taking my madness!

Ahh, the Show Biz Life!

One day I'm hanging with the guy from Sugarloaf and the next I'm off to tape a TV show with a guy who used to be known as The Stoned Ranger! Tomorrow, I become a Corporate Plate Spinner for Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Next stop, superstardom!

Anyway, I'm off to tape a cable show called The Michael Jae Project . I get to talk about issues affecting the world AND juggle! Either I need a better agent or I just need to stop having so much fun doing silly things.