20th Reunion...Didn't "Miss it"

Yup, I didn't go. I know, big surprise. Did I "miss it"? Not really. I wanted to know who had RSVP'd and knowing might have actually made me consider going, but they didn't want to tell me and thought it would be somehow inappropriate to post a list online...event though online was how they were primarily contacting and conversing with people (Classmates.com, Yahoo group, etc.)

So the question is, would I consider going to the 25th reunion? Definitely. Will I go? Who knows? Depends upon a lot of things. My own life situation, the economy, the price of a plane ticket - lots of things will factor into a decision to go to something as ridiculous as a high school reunion.

What would make the decision easier for me? That is to say (not that anyone missed me there this time around nor do they give a shit if I do or not), what would make a "yes" decision more likely from me? Here are a few suggestions.

A) A little more lead time. I think I was contacted about this a month, maybe two before the thing was set. I don't really think there was that much planning involved since they had to change the venue at the last minute and really, something like this, especially if you are among the fortunate who moved far away from Marengo (nice town, liked my time...I MOVED ON!), you need more time to make plans. Airfare costs money, especially these days and something like that will not ever really make me rush out to buy a ticket without more notice. You've got FIVE YEARS, people. Make this seem like a good idea NOW and maybe everyone alive will be there for the 25th.

B) Have it somewhere more exciting than Marengo, Illinois. I'll pay extra to go somewhere more glamorous. Really I will. Having something to do AFTER the party is fun too. You can't do that in or around Marengo, Illinois. I tried. It isn't possible unless you plan on fucking some chick on Burma Road. You don't have to have the reunion in the same town you graduated in for it to be a reunion of graduates from the same high school. Apparently the first time around (10 year reunion) it was held in...OOHHH...Rockford, Illinois ("the BIG city" to many folks I guess) and I have no idea if that one was better attended than this one. All I know is that having it in a town 30 miles away is about the same as having it in the same small town you graduated from. It really only caters to the folks who never left the area code and doesn't make folks who found out there's more beyond the city limits of Smallville want to attend. There are plenty of good places and venues to hold such an event in the big city (NOT Rockford) or surrounding areas or even in another state. Just stop trying to make the homecoming game and parade a reason to attend the event. Good lord.

C) Seriously, tell us who is actually going. I can't speak for everyone but I am certain more would have gone if they knew which, if any, of their actual friends from high school were attending. Our damn graduating class was so small and clique-ish that it wouldn't surprise me if many folks abstained from the celebration simply because they didn't want to be stuck having to make happy-conversation with most of the folks they hated back then and hate now. What's worse, they might be struck with the prospect of finding out someone was ONLY an asshole then and NOW is someone worth knowing. NONE of those fucktards who hated my guts and made my life miserable then deserve my enjoying their new found "nice guy" persona now. I wouldn't want that for myself an I wouldn't want that for anyone else, even the fucktards. Sometimes surprises are nice. We all change and 20+ years can make a huge difference, but let some things be sacred...like the belief that you really ARE better than the fucktards who made high school suck.

NOTE: "Fucktards" is a phrase invented by my lovely wife, April. She also owns the copyright and I owe her a few bucks for using it so many times.

D) Post some photos from the 10-year and the 20-year reunion. People might feel like they truly missed something if we actually saw some of the fun we missed out on in the first place. At the very least, show me and my fellow classmates some photos of what the ladies look like today. I'd love to see what these people look like without awfully high 80's hair. ;)

Anyway, I'm sure I'll speak more of this some other time. I just can't help but think that attending my 25th reunion is just as out of the question. I'm always open to anything, given how crazy my life is most of the time. However, without some of the aforementioned suggestions in place...pretty doubtful. Maybe if I have my own show on the Strip I can afford to fly these folks out to a really cool town for a reunion. Not that they'd go. Can't venture must farther than Union or they might explode.

More Reunion Crap

When posting photos onto a Yahoo group dedicated to a 20th high school reunion, I find that a few simple rules should apply.

First: Nobody wants to see photos of your kids. They have NOTHING to do with your high school experience and generally, people only care about their own kids. YOUR kids are only interesting to YOU.

Second: If you are posting mostly photos from high school, photos that fall into the category of "OH, I remember that! Thanks for posting." and NOT adding photos of yourself in present day then it follows that you felt you peaked in high school and are likely ashamed of the person you are now. Go listen to Springsteen's "Glory Days" (something that was probably out when we were in high school) and scan some recent pics already!

Third: If you are NOT posting high school photos and only posting present day photos then you probably "blossomed" after high school and are trying to forget the awkward high school days. Therefore you are unlikely to attend the reunion.

Fourth: You should really ONLY post both (present and past) or none at all. We only go to these things to see what happened to you since high school (translation: would we still want to bang you or would we want to bang you now?). We want to remember when and wonder if. Got it? Your kids are meaningless to us.

Fifth: If I personally have posted none of these types of photos it has to do with the facts that I A) don't give a shit and B) am pissed that more of you don't understand rules 1 through 4.

Get some clues, people!

High School Dreams

For the record, I have not ever had even the slightest bit of interest in attending my 20th high School Reunion. I never humored the prospect, never pretended it would be a "fun time", never even once gave it a moment's worth of consideration. I'll reiterate my opinion on the subject again.

ME: At my own expense, you want me to leave beautiful, sunny, EXCITING Las Vegas, Nevada to travel to not-so-beautiful, not-so-sunny, not-at-all-exciting Marengo, Illinois to hang out with people I don't like? (Side note, there are quite a few folks I do like, but generally I cannot count on those people being there. More likely the folks I truly don't give a crap about will be there. UGH!)

REUNION COORDINATOR: Um...Yeah.

ME: Why would I do that?

REUNION COORDINATOR: Well...There's going to be a cash bar.

You get the idea.

All this being considered I have been haunted by dreams about attending my reunion. All of these dreams hint at the great time I'm missing out on, knowing that I would HATE every waking minute of this event.

Don't give me ANY psycho-mumbo-jumbo about my subconscious telling me I really want to go. I would rather spend an eternity with my nuts in a meat grinder than one minute at the fucking American Legion hall (they couldn't even manage a nice hotel somewhere...because there AREN'T any for 35 miles) with a bunch of folks I've given not one second's worth of thought about since graduation.

I'm not curious to see who's gotten fat, who's gotten old, who'd gotten hot, and who's gotten bald. I have nothing in common with these folks other than our time at the school and the relative few I have kept contact with are all caught up. Where's the fun here?

Were I not married I'd surely go. I said the eve of graduation that the only thing that would get me to go would be the chance to bang everyone who wouldn't give me the time of day then. Many of the girls there have gone through a marriage/divorce/fat/hot cycle or two and would likely be happy to spend time with the guy who has all his hair, hasn't gained much weight since 1988, is doing exactly what he said he would do with his life, and has been on TV a few times. Were I a single man now, hell yeah I'd love to live out my acid-wash jeans/big hair fantasy. I'm funnier, smarter, and way more capable of pulling that one off now.

So last night's dream was the most fascinating to me. Prior to the dream I checked in to the Yahoo Group formed for the reunion (and from what I can tell practically nobody is really planning on attending...except the poor souls who never went more than 20 miles from the town) and saw a photo or two of a friend I'd not thought about in years. Well I haven't thought about any of these folks in years, but you get the idea. This guy was something of a smart-assed, closeted anarchist by my estimation and I was surprised (saddened) to see him all family guy these days.

So the dream featured me enjoying the reunion at a way cool hotel NOT in Marengo with all of the people I may have actually been curious to see again and I was having a blast. Not realistic at all. When I met "Brian" I was shocked to see him there and we got caught up a bit. I told him that he was among the last people I'd expect to see at such a lame function. His reply...

"Yeah I know. But don't you remember hearing about that Jay White guy in Colorado?(Jay White is some fictitious name my brain made up and so is the accompanying story that followed in the dream)"

"No," I said.

"Jay White was the guy who went to his own 20th high school reunion just so he could blow up the school."

"And why did this make you come here," I said, hoping he didn't have a detonator under his jacket.

"I wanted to see who the 'Jay White' of our school would be."

Hmmm.....

My 20th High School Reunion

Yep, I got a call from an old classmate from high school. It seems that the class of 1988, the single greatest example of unused potential in high school history, has a wild notion to have a 20th reunion.

Truthfully, the likelihood of my attending is heavy on the "none" side and barely listing towards "slim". This has nothing to do with feeling old or any of that crap. I generally don't care one way or another about going. If I wanted to keep in touch with any of these folks I'd surely have done so. Curiosity is not a reason to attend such a thing.

I enjoy hearing from old classmates, but do I want to know what they look like now, learn how their lives have turned out, hear about how many kids they have? Fuck no. Good lord, NO!

And for the record I have no intentions of attending my 20th (and the school's 40th) reunion of the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Clown College either. Again, I enjoy hearing from the folks when they seek me out, but attending a reunion of Clown College graduates? That's an even more repellant notion to me. I can't stand being around that many people who are in that much need for attention ya know? A lot of these folks have no idea when the show is over if you get my meaning. I went to a party of some CC grads here in Vegas, hoping to meet new people who could provide some help in getting work out here in Vegas. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA.

Anyway, I am certain I'll be making my decision as I get closer to the date of the high school reunion. However I rather doubt I'll be going unless I am already in the area for work or something. Seriously, somebody actually called me and essentially asked this of me...

"Andy, would you like to leave vibrant, exciting, and scenic Las Vegas, Nevada, at your own expense, mind you, to return to the floundering micropolis known as Marengo, Illinois to hang out with people you haven't seen in 20 years?"

Am I a jerk? Hell yeah. Does any of this make sense even outside of Andy Land? MOST DEFINITELY!

And I own the copyright on the term "micropolis" so don't try and use it without crediting me ya thieving bastards!