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Thursday, February 04, 2010

Orphan

While I will surely have much more to say about this, and not all of it very kind, it bears mentioning that among the reasons I have posted so little here of late is the passing of my mother.

It hasn't been even a few weeks since the news hit and I am still not all that sure what to think of it all.

Nobody in my family, including my mother, liked nor had a great relationship with, my mother. So it would follow that there have been a great deal of feelings and emotions associated with milestone in a person's life. However, there was one person who truly adored her, even though he was tormented by her and found himself hating her for a great deal of his own life. That person was my dad.

Today, February 4th, was their wedding anniversary. They were married 36 years by the time dad passed back in 1993. Mom spent a lot of time since his death crying, rewriting their history, and genuinely being conflicted by the feelings she had over his loss. She knew that the family was held together by a common LOVE for my dad. She also knew that while there was a common feeling among all involved for her, it was not an overwhelming amount of love. Tough for any person to take, even if that person knew exactly what she did to deserve less than flowers and rainbows on Mothers Day.

With all that being said, through it all, my dad loved my mother. He endured her drug abuse, her alcoholism, her infidelities, and her constant and repeated overspending via credit cards all because he LOVED her so very, very much.

None of us ever knew what he saw in her that kept him so dedicated. He'd merely tell us that he loved her. None of us ever really got to see the person he knew was in there somewhere, that person he fell for so deeply, that person he met long before there were kids and mortgages to worry about. All we knew was that he loved her.

At times we all loved mom. All kids love their mother to some degree. However, as the news came that her time was running out, we all knew that the person who would have shed the most tears for her died back in 1993.

With time being the most effective healer of all wounds I am certain that there will be more good feelings, more fond memories, and more reasons to feel a sense of loss. I have tried to focus on the best of times and let the bitterness and cynicism wash away, knowing that there will always be a caveat or two when I think of my mom and her life. I am certain I'll share more as time goes on, either to vent or to heal in some way. People need to know the rest of the story so they can understand the whys and the wherefores with regard to how the four Martello children dealt with her illness and death. For now, the biggest sadness is that I never knew, nor will I ever know, the beautiful woman that my father loved so much.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

Growing up with you I was aware of this, saw a little of this, but never really understood it (hell, I was 6 when it started). I am very much interested in the rest of the story that was seldom talked about while you vent an heal. Best wishes on your journey there.....Lawson

4:42 AM

 
Blogger Andy Land said...

Thanks, Mike.

There will be more to tell, although I did a lot of my "healing" years back. Much of this is to get it out and netters explain things to those who don't understand.

1:49 PM

 
Blogger golfwidow said...

It's a lot to take in, no matter how close your relationship is or is not, when you lose a relative.

I'm sorry I missed your call the other week - I work nights now and sleep through the day. If you need anything, email me.

6:59 PM

 
Blogger sue said...

I can understand this from the perspective of a woman who not only has a mother like this, but a mother-in-law like this. I never understood what their husbands' saw in them, and both the men are gone now. My dad was no gem either, but my dad-in-law was a sweetheart and didn't ever deserve the woman he married. We still can't figure that one out and he died in 1995.

Here's to healing... they say time heals all. Guess we both just need to give it more time, huh? {{{hugs}}}

2:26 PM

 
Anonymous David R. Young said...

I met your mom via mail. She wrote a booklet called "Type Yourself Rich" about 20 years ago and I bought a copy. We corresponded via e-mail occasionally over the years. She always had great things to say about her kids. She even sent me a video tape of you juggling! She always seemed pleasant and never had anything negative to say about her family or friends, though she occasionally questioned the wisdom of her doctors. Now that I'm 76, I understand her perspective on that. In her last e-mail to me she said she didn't feel well but had a doctor's appointment "on Thursday." That was sent on Tuesday. I never heard back and she didn't respond to my e-mails after that. That was a few weeks ago. Today I found a link to your blog on Facebook. I'm sorry you had bad feelings about her. I just thought you'd like to know she wasn't "awful" to everyone.
David R. Young
ComSvcs@frontiernet.net

11:45 AM

 

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