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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I can count the number of times I have rented the hotel room porn films on one hand (The other hand is busy right now.) I've no problems admitting I watch porn in general much less at a hotel upon occasion. I mean really, I'm the one who edits the "Real Porn Audio" segments on Podcrapular.

Over the years I have encountered some interesting things with these flicks when seen at a hotel.

Some of the films you get are essentially the same porno tapes you can rent from your local video store.

Some are basically those same porno films (same stars, same scenes) only the "hard core" stuff like the penetration and the "big finish" are all edited out.

Some are movies especially filmed for the soft core set and ultimately end up being shown again on cable networks like Cinemax later on. You get "real actors", nudity, absolutely no chance of being fooled into thinking real sex is happening (the guys are all gay and the women are writhing around on the men's stomachs), and if you're lucky enough to have one with some really bad editing you get to see the flesh-tone pasties covering everyone's naughty bits.

What I found the other night represented a first for me. Since I really haven't bought the hotel porn too many times I find it significant.

This time I decided to splurge on some pay-per-view fun. I chose the film for the same reasons most guys choose their porno of choice. My current favorite-whack-chick-of-the-moment was in the cast.

Upon securing my "secret" rental (The titles don't appear on your bill...but the naughty films are the only ones in that price range. SHHH! Secret!) I took to enjoying the film and was very happy to find out the reason I rented the film was in the first scene.

This was looking like I was about to enjoy the fully uncensored, hard core porno fun (my personal favorite of the hotel or any other porn). Nothing missing here. In fact there was almost TOO MUCH in the unedited category. Extreme closeups, full-on oral & other treats in plain view. How could this be a bad thing? Well all things must come to an end (or at least on one in the porno biz).

A staple in the porn biz is the big finish - the cumshot (more often than not, the facial cumshot). I think most of us here know this to be true. Those who don''ve got a computer. Do some fucking homework (literally!).

After all the positions, the penetration, the dirty talk, the closeups - after all the stuff you normally get to see in the "standard" porno film they edited out the cumshot and simply faded out. No "ta-daa", no big finish, no mess. NO CLOSURE!

This was an incredible concept to me. To leave in all the stuff that makes the film an X-Rated production, but leave out the cumshot? Who "came" up with this one? What bizarre group of porn protesters complained to the Hilton organization enough to get full-on hard core action approved so long as there's no unsightly ejaculate to look at? Is there some strange sect of puritanical porn-watchers that have no fear of seeing an erect cock being sucked and fucked, but somehow feel they're in danger of being "too gay" if they see the splooge? This was outrageous.

What was worse is that they didn't even edit out all the discussion of exactly what was going to happen to the willing lady. Anyone who has watched this sort of thing before knows that there's a lot of unnecessary dialogue illustrating, no, DEMANDING the man to shoot a load somewhere designed to make men happy and women messy. They even chose to edit it in such a way that you had the close up of the open-mouthed woman eagerly awaiting her "prize" (Woo-Hoo) and the guy (or guys) strolling up, jerking away and ready to pop, only to fade to black just as the grand finale was about to take place.

Somebody out there can explain all this to me, right? There simply must be a reason why you can have EVERYTHING else you'd find in a XXX film and somehow leave out the part most people fast-forward to before too long.

Help me!


Blogger Macko C. said...

Have you gotten any more penguins plushies left? can you send it to Argentina?

1:43 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Hi Macko.

Currently I'm out of penguin plush toys. I'll be replacing them shortly (as soon as I can get a good deal on a large quantity of items).

However I don't simply send them out just because someone has asked. The rules are stated quite clearly in the "Free Stuff" section that there has to be some specific fan pics posted onn your own website or blog. You can see examples in that post and in the Penguini Posse section of my blog.

I'd be happy to send out a collector's card just for asking. But the penguin toys leave my house in exchange for a little free advertising on my behalf.

7:46 AM

Blogger Webmiztris said...

I don't watch much porn so I can't really say. My guess is that it's edited out because of those pesky anti-abortionists. You know that money shot is wasting millions of potential little children that could have been born if only they had been deposited in the correct place!

8:55 AM

Anonymous sue said...

Sorry, Andy... that's just WRONG.

11:34 AM

Blogger Macko C. said...

i understand Andy, i just wanna know if you send them to Argentina.

7:28 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Sorry Macko. Forgot to answer to that.

I send out free cards, press kits, and even stuffed penguins all over the world. The postage on such things falls happily under tha category of "tax deductible advertising" for me so I would have no problem sending out to Argentina.

In the past I've sent to Brazil, Indonesia, Japan, Germany, all over the world.

8:48 PM

Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

A KITTEN photo? You sick twisted ...

8:53 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Yeah...a kitten photo that reads, "Got Milk?" no less. I'm a goin' to hell.

Good to see you Snay.

9:33 PM

Blogger golfwidow said...

The first step is in admitting you have a problem.

The second step is in not snorting laughter over the fact that my word verification word is "qsjmi", which if you scramble it and drop the "q" ...


I have a problem.

3:19 AM


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