Bob Newhart Hates Me

I suppose this could technically fall into the category of "Random Celebrity Memories" but for now I'll just tell the tale. I mean, I never met the guy or anything.

Bob Newhart, comedy legend and entertainment icon, is on Conan O'Brien right now. I'm a BIG Bob Newhart fan and always have been. However I can't see him any more without thinking about he blew a gig for me. Rest assured, so far as I know he had no animosity towards me and this wasn't a personal thing. It's just a funny story.

Some years back Newhart was going to appear at the Paramount Theatre in Aurora, IL. This is a place I'd been trying to get in with for some time to no avail. At a networking event I ran into the main booker of talent for the place and did my best to schmooze a little more. He asked me of my availability for a certain date and indeed, I was available. That date was when Bob Newhart was in town and the theatre was having a difficult time finding an opening act.

I'd have done that gig for FREE if I had the chance and told him just that. He laughed and said, "Free wasn't necessary. Just keep the date open." The calendar had a nice notation placed inside and a press kit went out to the theatre the next day.

Soon thereafter I called to make sure my press kit and video had arrived safely and all that sort of schmoozing stuff. The materials were there and everything was looking good for me. I waited to hear the YAY or NAY from the theatre.

When the call came, I found out that I would not be working for Bob Newhart. According to the theatre booker, "Bob said he just doesn't like to have a juggling act go on before him." That was that.

This is an excuse - uh, line I've heard a million times from other comedians. Nobody wants to follow a juggler, a magician, a musical comedy act, or any other comedy act that involves a skill other than just saying funny things (or saying things funny). I've actually had comedians at clubs who were headlining (to my feature set) ask me not to do so much juggling so their acts wouldn't do well. I've taken to telling these folks to find solace in the fact that they were getting paid better than I was for the night and if it bothered them so much they should write a 45-minute set about how much jugglers suck ass.

Juggler, Michael Goudeau seems to have summed it up best as to why comedians hate comedians who also juggle. I'll paraphrase. Comedians have to entertain a crowd with stories about things that happened already. Jugglers entertain crowds with things they're going to do for the audience before their very eyes.

Knowing this, it seems strange that an established legend like Bob Newhart would worry about such a thing. I mean, NOBODY would have paid the ticket price to see me. They would all be there to see him and I'd be the guy pissing off the crowd simply by NOT being Bob Newhart.

Years later I saw an interview with Newhart talking about one of his earliest days in the business where he had to follow a juggling act at a theatre show and bombed every time. He decided a comic simply can't compete with feats of skill and when he got to a position in his career when he could choose his opening acts, he vowed never to have a juggler work before him again.

So, I never got to open for a comedy hero of mine and coincidentally, I've never been able to get in with the folks at the Paramount Theatre. Thanks, Bob. ;)

Incidentally, Mr. Newhart has a new book and DVD available for purchase now and I'm quite certain you'd all enjoy them very much. Details are available at his website.

Tell him I sent you and maybe I'll get to open for him one day.