Ten Things Tuesday (Special Wednesday Edition) : Things Most Americans Do On July 5th

• Rummage through back yard shrubbery. Try to find your fingers.
• Take the extra Vodka-filled watermelon to work and wait for the blackmail fodder.
• Blame the lingering sulfur smell on the dog. If you don't have a dog, buy one.
• With bottle rocket still lodged in your eye socket, sneak into work, and figure out how you can get workmen's compensation.
• Rehearse this phrase, "No, I blew up my ass cheeks by trying to light a fart on fire. Not that other thing you were asking about." Say it with conviction and maybe someone will believe you.
• Call in sick, then finish up keg of Old Style from the party.
• Thank God you stocked up on Aloe Vera ointment a week ago, even though you told your wife you'd rather spend the money on a few extra bottles of Night Train.
• Wish you'd removed disc of Jimi Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner at full volume before you hit "PLAY" on your CD player.
• Call contractor. Get price quotes to replace neighbor's roof.
• Spend the day telling your husband, "Aren't you glad I made you buy all that Aloe Vera ointment?"