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Monday, April 03, 2006

It's Like Andy Lite.

Hello Everybody,

It's me, Kim! Andy chose me to be a guest blogger for him in his absence, I love guest blogging!

I like to step inside the head of the person I'm writing for, imagining that I am them speaking to their usual audience. I try to assume what nuances and emotions customarily settle upon the individual when they sit down to write a typical post and attempt to emulate them - to channel them if you will, only they don't have to be dead.

Being Andy vicariously is an adventure in itself, let me tell you! His abundant energy is almost a shock to the system, especially if you are an older female body. I acclimated as best I could and began to focus on the more subtle aspects of The Martello. For instance, I had the sudden urge to wear something, anything containing polyester fiber. After that, I set about lighting several candles, then dimmed the lights and put on a little mood music, you know, Frank. I struggled with the decision to drink wine or beer, settling on the sexy bottle of Pinot Noir I knew was stashed beneath the kitchen sink where the kids would never look, and I sat back, closed my eyes and let my hands calmly rest on my keyboard, admonishing myself when one or the other would errantly stray towards my lap, and then I began feeling what it's like to seduce readers, slowly, seductively, gently fondling their soft ...

Hey, whoa! What I mean is, guest blogging is a cool way to meet people.

In attempting to understand the true essence of being The Martello, I immediately put myself on a diet. I suck at dieting. I know I should probably be on one, someday, but I only half care. However, this duty to post for Andy made me face my responsibilities, so I hauled ass to the grocery store.

I am happy to report that I am currently trying the Stouffer's Macaroni & Beef Diet.

For the reason mentioned as well as:

* They were on sale 3 for 5 bucks.
* It has tomato-y goodness and I love the shit.
* I don't have to do dishes after I eat it.

Now, this may not be one of those hip and trendy Atkins or South Beach Diets that are all the rage right now, but it makes me feel like I'm commiserating with Andy in a more personal way as well as addressing the issue of my fat ass, and most importantly, it isn't all that painful.

Although this experience has been quite enjoyable for me, as well as tasty, I am duty bound to confess that although it is possible to imagine The Martello, there is only one who can actually be The Martello, and -

- oops, I gotta go, the microwave just dinged.

And we can all thank Andy for that.

Hope you're having a wonderful time Andy!


Blogger Bud said...

Kimmie, glad to see you're well enough to write anything. Good job. Building your brain cells with junk food, huh?

12:45 PM

Anonymous BTude a.k.a. GlassHoppah said...

You were compelled to wear polyester fiber on your own skin? OMG! Did I miss that requirement to do this? ;)

Great post Kimmy!

12:54 PM

Anonymous Older, Wiser Brother said...

Polyester is very important...haven't you seen the awful polyester suits that Andy wears when he's "character strolling?"

BTW, Kim, you're far hotter than my brother can ever hope to be!

2:50 PM

Blogger D Brooks said...

You had me worried for a minute there. I read the whole thing just to be sure you hadn't kicked back with a cheap cigar and commenced to scratching something, lol Good job Kimmy :)

5:51 PM

Blogger Kim said...

(((Bud))) thanks! Stouffer's is junk food?

B'Tude, that stuff made me feel funny in my special place.

O/W Brother, You sound hot.

DB, It was a battle, b'lieve that.

3:20 AM

Anonymous Older, Wiser Brother said...

Of course I'm hot...I'm the "hand built prototype" and Andy is just a production model....

4:36 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Kim, you can be my gest blogger anytime, but you cannot think my older brother is hot in any way. I've invested too much time into wooing you already. Both me and Nicky Vegas are waiting to take you in many tawdry ways and having my brother there will only make it too crowded...unless he wants to run the video camera for me.

Besides, he's like 85 years old and his Viagra prescription ran out when he lost the other testicle in a freak chastity experiment.

11:01 AM


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