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Sunday, February 12, 2006

My Penguin Has V.D. Fun!

NICE Flippers!It seems that Andylander, the penguin adopted for me by the lovely Golfwidow some time ago, has a date for Valentine's Day. He will be taking out Claudia, the new pet belonging to perennial blog-crush, Jessica. I sure hope he gets lucky! If not he already smells like fish so he can lie convincingly.

I won't be getting lucky on Valentine's Day, but that could have something to do with the fact that nobody in this household believes in such a STUPID fake holiday. The only reason to celebrate Valentine's Day is that you are one month away from a REAL holiday, Steak & BJ Day (which I WILL be enjoying!)

To better illustrate my point I happily reprint my column, "The Folly of Valentine's Day".

The Folly of Valentine's Day
By Andy Martello
©Andy Martello, All Rights Reserved

I won't lie to you. I am not the best husband in the world. I am not the greatest guy around. I am extremely selfish and flawed. I try very hard to be a better man both for myself and for my wife. Some days are better than others, but for the most part I am an alright person.

When February rolls around I am reminded of how good I have it when it comes to my wife, April. Don't get me wrong, she is not perfect either, but she makes a few things extremely more comfortable for me. These things tend make me the envy of many a man.

Long before we were married I was informed that if I EVER wanted to flat-out lose my lady love, all I had to do was acknowledge the most awful of fake holidays, Valentine's Day.

I am simply not allowed to buy a present for her on that day. No velvet boxes,no pretty jewelry, not a single piece of chocolate, not one cuddly stuffed animal, not even a card imprinted with some corporation's verbalization of how I love my wife is allowed to be brought into our home. THIS, is one cool lady and one easy to follow policy!

I know what the men are thinking. Those not hoping I'm getting a divorce or wondering if April has a single sister are convinced this is part of some "woman trick."

Men have fallen victims to these sorts of ploys before. We get TOLD that we're not expected to "do anything special" for Valentine's Day. When we do NOTHING we end up sleeping alone in the garage for a week. Sometimes we do SOMETHING, just not "something special," and we get the mildly hurt expression and the, "That's OK. I love it...really," response. We all know that response means we failed the test. Believe me, guys, I have been there. I feel your pain.

I thought I was being set up for failure the first time April and I approached a Valentine's Day. I was pretty sure she meant what she said, but a big part of me was panicking inside. I humored thoughts of having a go-to safety gift waiting in the wings, JUST IN CASE! If it was indeed true that Valentine's Day meant nothing to her I could save the gift for a birthday, an anniversary, or better yet, the "no particular occasion gift." Those gifts always score big points! If the no Valentine's gift concept was all a clever plot to trap me I'd have a great, "A-HA!" moment and save the day with a pretty package. Instead, I did nothing. I had no present-parachute to save my life. As luck would have it, I survived the day.

April truly hates Valentine's Day and all it represents. This is a girl that otherwise LOVES presents, chocolates, and gifts of all kinds. Associate any of those things with Valentine's Day and she will have nothing to do with them.

All men hate Valentine's Day and the unnecessary pressure put upon us to perform properly. If you are neither dating nor married, you hate it because of the awful implied loser image associated with being "alone."

Being with April has been a real eye-opening experience for me. She first put this concept into my head and in the years since we've been together a genuinely nice theory has emerged.

Why not love your significant other every day of the year?

Why put so much importance on one single day? We already have Christmas, Hanukkah, birthdays and anniversaries to show affection and appreciation and buy gifts. There are special days for mothers, fathers, and grandparents. Even secretaries and bosses get singled out for extra love on certain days. If the greeting card people could market a "Best Friends Day" or a "Wonderful Pets Day" I'm sure they'd do it.

Excluding religious holidays, any of these non-holidays could be removed from our calendars and replaced with 364 more days of general appreciation.

While my wife and I may not always LIKE each other, we LOVE each other every day of the year. We don't need a cold day in February filled with pink cards and roses to remind us of that. There are plenty of times we surprise each other with little gifts or go to dinner just to be together.

Why trouble ourselves with impossible dinner reservations on February 14th when we can eat the same meal on May 14th? Think about it, wouldn't YOU like to have some fun May 14th? Nothing ever happens on May 14th, why not make that a special day?

Pick any day other than Valentine's Day and have some fun. They sell greeting cards and gifts year-round, so go for it!

Single? Great! Make November 29th "Single People RULE Day" and give the bars and night clubs a reason to jump start the holiday season. Invite all your single friends and give each other cool gifts and cards. Put photos of your married friends and their kids in the cards and point out how tired and depressed the married folks look. Tell them the pictures were taken on Valentine's Day to make the moment sweeter.

The possibilities are endless once you free yourself from the bonds of a useless and meaningless holiday like Valentine's Day!

Of course, I know I am the exception to the rule. My wife is special. When we got engaged she didn't want a diamond ring. She HATES diamonds. When we got married she chose to wear her GARNET engagement ring I bought her. In fact, she didn't insist I wear a wedding ring at all! SHE knows I'm married to her.

I've been told if I ever wanted a wedding ring, she'd buy one for me. I may just go ahead and push the envelope and ask for one with a diamond inside. I think I'll ask for one this Sweetest Day and see what happens.
Monday Feb. 13 Weigh-in
227 Pounds
Loss for Week: 1 Pound
Overall Net Loss: 13 Pounds


Blogger kj4ever said...

I puffy heart Valentine's Day. Not only do I expect something wonderful on V-Day, but I also expect something wonderful on Sweetest Day, which is as Hallmark Holiday as you can get.

Yeah, yeah, I'm really high maintenance, but I've been told I'm totally worth it :)

Charish that wife of yours, because there are lots and lots of spoiled little princeses out there like me!

7:00 AM

Blogger Bud said...

Steak and BJ Day, Now That's a Hallmark event if ever there was one!

7:25 AM

Blogger sue said...

My hubs couldn't wear a ring if he wanted to... too dangerous to lose a finger with all the equipment he's around. He's got a simple band that we used for the ceremony and he used to wear it occasionally when we went out, but hey... like you say, I know he's mine and he knows he's mine, so it works for me!

Also, Bud's idea is a good one!

8:03 AM

Blogger Jessica said...

Claudia has a special bath and grooming ritual planned before her date with your little red buddy. I might even let her borrow some of my sweet temptation body lotion.


Your wife seems like a cool lady. She is not afraid to break tradition and do things her way.
I realize that Valentine's Day is contrived, but I still LOVE everything about it. I like that it's an excuse to buy new lingerie and eat chocolate--and do everything sensational even more than usual!

8:18 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Yep. Isn't it a shame that you can't enjoy presents, lingerie, chocolate, and the like and of the other 364 days of the year (except for Sweetest Day, of course).

If you care about someone you don't need the special day. You can make any day special. In fact, it is more special if it is not expected nor obligatory.

Jess, make sure that body lotion is in the picture. Andylander needs some luvin'

8:27 AM

Blogger kj4ever said...

Oh, I full well expect it the other 363 days a year too.

<----High Maintenance, remember? On those days just a little extra effort is nice.

8:46 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...


I try to not expect any good things to happen to me. That way I spend much more of my life being surprised and delighted as opposed to disappointed. ;)

9:37 AM


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