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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

God DAMN, I'm One Ugly Looking Bitch!

Remember when I said there were some really BAD pictures of me out there? Well, kids, at great personal risk and certain loss of local nookie as well as loss of fans/stalkers wanting to climb my bones, here are just a few of the most dreadful photos of me ever taken.

Since I am so keen on themes I've decided to share with you several I.D. photos, most of which are from Marengo Community High School. Keep in mind that Marengo is a small country town and they spend maybe on average between $6,000.00-$9,000.00 per student for education (which is pretty darned low by statewide comparison). What you are witnessing is the result of the most technologically advanced piece of equipment the place had in the 80's, the lamination machine.

Freshman Andy MartelloCheck out my Freshman student I.D. card. Notice that the loss of this card would cause the student to incur a heaping $1.50 fine. I've no idea what the hell I was wearing but I'm fairly certain it was some unkempt one-piece, layered look (These days I sport a more kempt, multi-item, layered look.) I won't even get into how odd my hair looks. I think I was still having my hair cut by my sister, who specialized in removing any follicle that dared show its split end beyond the rim of a bowl.

Believe it or not, by my Sophomore year, THIS person was actually getting laid quite a SENIOR! Good lord! Must have had something to do with my remarkably clear skin.

Next we have either my Sophomore or Junior I.D. I really don't remember what year this was and you can tell by the devastatingly tight security measures taken to prevent fraudulent cards from circulating the halls of M.C.H.S., I've no way of really knowing what year these cards were Sophomore or Junior Andyissued. I do recall that one year we had no cards at all. This may be because I was sick the day they had fired up the lamination machine or they simply forgot to issue them. Either way, this is a stellar photo as well.

I'm not at all sure why I have such a "I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder" look on my face, but I'm almost certain it had something to do with my still unresolved hair issues and awful polo shirt. If this was my Junior card then I was most definitely getting my hair cut by "professionals", which in McHenry County meant students who dropped out to have their babies. I wasn't getting my hair cut by them often as I was always broke, but I made the effort.

Junior or Senior Andy MartelloMoving on, we see me sporting a lovely sweater, a lousy haircut, and at least one classic zit. I'm starting to think that my Senior year was the year we didn't have an I.D. card and this was my Junior card. The "X Factor" is that I don't recall trying, and failing so miserably to grow a moustache until my Senior year. Notice the misspelling of my name.

I'll spare you the horror of my actual Senior yearbook photo for now.

Anyone else as amazed as I am that I was getting laid? I thought so. Anyone amazed I get laid now? Yep, me too.

Senior Andy Martello, Eh.The last high school I.D. card I have is from AFTER my Senior year, right after graduation.

The band was planning a trip across the U.S. and into Canada and they also included students from the choir, of which I was a proud member. Really I think the choir students were included so I could host the band shows and accent them with some comedy & juggling. I have no idea why they felt this crappy I.D. card would suffice for official identification, but apparently in 1988, this was all you needed to traverse around Canada without suspicion.

Finally we have the I.D. card from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College. This one is beaten to crap because I carried this thing in my wallet for YEARS after leaving the institution of higher hilarity. We took this the first day of CC and it was freakin' hot & humid as all hell. Naturally they decided to take the photo after our long tour of the complex, when we all looked like shit. I shaved the 'stache soon after the photo because clown make-up is creepy enough without the moustache. Imagine how sad it would look with it.

Ringling Refugee Andy Martello
I do find it interesting that any of my moustache photos would serve equally well as mug shot photos or pictures on a wanted poster. I always envisioned the Ringling I.D. photo with a slow-motion zoom & a voice-over by Robert Stack, pleading viewers to call an 800 number if they've seen me recently.

I should also point out that I NEVER had to flash any one of the above I.D. cards to anyone for any "official" reason. The Ringling one got pulled out often because so many people were oddly curious about anything Clown College and therefore would ask for it as "proof" I attended such a useless place. As for ever needing the I.D. cards to actually recognize or confirm my identify, THIS would be their maiden voyage. Gee, I was actually wondering why I'd kept these things all these years, until now.


Blogger Amanda said...

Wow! You have got guts to post bad pictures of yourself! I'm impressed by your courage!! And I loved the comment about the voice over with Robert Stack telling us to call the 1-800 number! Hilarious!

8:04 AM

Blogger Andy Land said...

LOL> I haven't even begun to post BAD photos of myself, Amanda. Believe it or not, these are pretty good by comparison. one day, I'll eleash bad photo hell on the world.

As for having guts, I've been gradually losing those guts due to eating right and exercising. ;)

Actually, it apparently takes more guts to post my weight every Monday than to post bad photos. Many wanted to join me in my Fat-Ass Blogger Fit Club, but were too chicken-shit to post their weight every week. LOL!

Unsolved Mysteries was on our TV damn near every week it was on. That show rocked!

9:24 AM

Blogger Amanda said...

Andy Andy..I'm sure those extremely bad pictures do not exist. You are too cute! LOL on the Fat-Ass blogger fit club title I must have missed that. As for Unsolved Mysteries I agree that show did rock!!

2:08 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Ask your mom about my Fat Ass Blogger Fit Club. She may remember something about it. ;)

Trust me, there are some AWFUL photos of myself out there. Hell, I've posted a few in the last. I'm sure I can find more.

I don't mind shariung as I tend to be among the most self depricating people I know. I may as well let everyone else have a shot at, uh, depricating me.

2:54 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Oh, you're welcome to think I'm as cute as you'd like. I don't mind. ;)

2:55 PM

Blogger Chris said...

Andy, I am SO happy to see that I am NOT the only person in this world that has saved all of them useless ID cards... although sadly I do not have the Ringling Brothers one not because I dont want one but because I was never special enough to attend clown college.. *sigh*
Great post Andy, love the stroll down memory lane

4:25 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Stick around, Chris. I take trips down memory lane often around here. Search throughthe archives & you'll find many a photo of past promo, news clippings, high school stuff, etc. I'm the king of useless but oddly interecting content.

Um...did you try to get into Clown College?

4:38 PM

Blogger Bud said...

It's good the statute of limitations ran out on the sin of being an adolescent.

6:09 PM

Blogger Andy Land said...

Oh I think the sins were comited while being an adolescent. Just being one wasn't quite sinful enough for me.

However having these photos and posting them somewhere clearly MUST be a sin.

6:27 PM

Anonymous Older, Wiser Brother said...

You need to learn to weed shit like that out of your life and out of your apartment....that way they can't ever come back to bite you in the ass (and you'll have more space in your humble abode for important things like Jesus action figures and Sigmund Freud bobbleheads). I thankfully don't have a single old student ID or anything of that ilk laying around. Hell, I don't have many school pix here.

8:02 PM


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