God DAMN, I'm One Ugly Looking Bitch!

Remember when I said there were some really BAD pictures of me out there? Well, kids, at great personal risk and certain loss of local nookie as well as loss of fans/stalkers wanting to climb my bones, here are just a few of the most dreadful photos of me ever taken.

Since I am so keen on themes I've decided to share with you several I.D. photos, most of which are from Marengo Community High School. Keep in mind that Marengo is a small country town and they spend maybe on average between $6,000.00-$9,000.00 per student for education (which is pretty darned low by statewide comparison). What you are witnessing is the result of the most technologically advanced piece of equipment the place had in the 80's, the lamination machine.

Check out my Freshman student I.D. card. Notice that the loss of this card would cause the student to incur a heaping $1.50 fine. I've no idea what the hell I was wearing but I'm fairly certain it was some unkempt one-piece, layered look (These days I sport a more kempt, multi-item, layered look.) I won't even get into how odd my hair looks. I think I was still having my hair cut by my sister, who specialized in removing any follicle that dared show its split end beyond the rim of a bowl.


Believe it or not, by my Sophomore year, THIS person was actually getting laid quite often...by a SENIOR! Good lord! Must have had something to do with my remarkably clear skin.

Next we have either my Sophomore or Junior I.D. I really don't remember what year this was and you can tell by the devastatingly tight security measures taken to prevent fraudulent cards from circulating the halls of M.C.H.S., I've no way of really knowing what year these cards were issued. I do recall that one year we had no cards at all. This may be because I was sick the day they had fired up the lamination machine or they simply forgot to issue them. Either way, this is a stellar photo as well.

I'm not at all sure why I have such a "I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder" look on my face, but I'm almost certain it had something to do with my still unresolved hair issues and awful polo shirt. If this was my Junior card then I was most definitely getting my hair cut by "professionals", which in McHenry County meant students who dropped out to have their babies. I wasn't getting my hair cut by them often as I was always broke, but I made the effort.

Moving on, we see me sporting a lovely sweater, a lousy haircut, and at least one classic zit. I'm starting to think that my Senior year was the year we didn't have an I.D. card and this was my Junior card. The "X Factor" is that I don't recall trying, and failing so miserably to grow a moustache until my Senior year. Notice the misspelling of my name.

I'll spare you the horror of my actual Senior yearbook photo for now.

Anyone else as amazed as I am that I was getting laid? I thought so. Anyone amazed I get laid now? Yep, me too.


The last high school I.D. card I have is from AFTER my Senior year, right after graduation.

The band was planning a trip across the U.S. and into Canada and they also included students from the choir, of which I was a proud member. Really I think the choir students were included so I could host the band shows and accent them with some comedy & juggling. I have no idea why they felt this crappy I.D. card would suffice for official identification, but apparently in 1988, this was all you needed to traverse around Canada without suspicion.


Finally we have the I.D. card from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College. This one is beaten to crap because I carried this thing in my wallet for YEARS after leaving the institution of higher hilarity. We took this the first day of CC and it was freakin' hot & humid as all hell. Naturally they decided to take the photo after our long tour of the complex, when we all looked like shit. I shaved the 'stache soon after the photo because clown make-up is creepy enough without the moustache. Imagine how sad it would look with it.





I do find it interesting that any of my moustache photos would serve equally well as mug shot photos or pictures on a wanted poster. I always envisioned the Ringling I.D. photo with a slow-motion zoom & a voice-over by Robert Stack, pleading viewers to call an 800 number if they've seen me recently.

I should also point out that I NEVER had to flash any one of the above I.D. cards to anyone for any "official" reason. The Ringling one got pulled out often because so many people were oddly curious about anything Clown College and therefore would ask for it as "proof" I attended such a useless place. As for ever needing the I.D. cards to actually recognize or confirm my identify, THIS would be their maiden voyage. Gee, I was actually wondering why I'd kept these things all these years, until now.