Because I Can: "Love Under the Big Top"

Originally published at MaliciousBitch.com and later at TheCheers.org. Of course this is original work protected by copyright and blah, and blah, and blah. I made the font a bit smaller to prevent you from scrolling too much, even though you're now squinting too much.

Love Under the Big Top

By Andy Martello

When you are working as an entertainer, especially with a circus or other traveling show you are bound to hook up romantically with another performer once in awhile. Sometimes the only people you can even find to talk to are the folks in your production and you have no choice but to date another person in the biz.

I had only a few on-the-road romances in my time with the circus. I can’t say that any of them were Earth-shattering or exciting, at least not any more so than any other relationships I’ve had. However one story always comes to mind first and foremost when thinking about love under the big top.

Someone had a BIG crush on me. It was more than just a school-girl kind of attraction. It was a full-on, gotta have him, double-whammy of an obsession. Although we never dated and rarely saw each other, she was in LOVE with me.

She was a nice girl, but not my type. Were it not for the fact that we would occasionally work together I’d have never given her a second glance. She had bad breath and poor table manners. We never had an intelligent conversation. She had a mannish quality about her and she had no sense of style at all. She was of decent breeding, but otherwise would be considered “common stock” by most men. She was not attractive. She was too hairy, too stupid & too short. She was a baboon.

Irvin Hall came from a long line of circus performers. He had a couple good working acts. Aside from a unicycle act, he had a very good animal attraction; a baboon act. It was one of his baboons that fell in love with me.

You didn’t think I was talking about a real woman did you? Oh my God! What kind of animal do you think I am? I suppose it doesn’t matter because this baboon DID in fact think I was an animal and she had to get with me.

I’ve been fortunate enough to work among wild animals often over the years. I’ve encountered elephants, tigers, chimpanzees, and all sorts of exotic birds among others. Until I’d worked with Irvin the only baboon knowledge I had was leftover from my Ringling days.

Clowns are told to AVOID BABOONS AT ALL COSTS. To a baboon, a clown is just another baboon, thanks to the clown make-up. Baboons are quite territorial and aggressive and when they see a clown they have only one instinct; kick the clown’s ass!

I’d always made it a point to be very respectful of the animals on a show regardless of if I was wearing make-up or not. I would never try to pet them or engage them in any way. It is just common sense to treat them like wild animals and not as pets. More importantly, they were not MY animals.

With Irvin’s baboons I didn’t have to worry as much about being mauled. These were smaller, and did not have the same colorful faces as the larger, more aggressive baboons. Besides, I had long since hung up my clown togs by this point and since I never went out of my way to become chummy with another performer’s animals I felt quite safe.

My first meeting with Irvin started this unusual tale of love and infatuation. I went to Irvin to learn what behavior was appropriate around his animals and where it would be best for me to set up my gear. During our discussions he would “introduce” me to his baboons by calling out their names.

The first two baboons couldn’t care any less about me. The third baboon (I forget her name. I know, TYPICAL MAN!) was quite taken with me!

You could see a physical transformation in her face as she stared into my eyes. She became quite star-struck and her eyes were wide open. She was clearly excited to be around me. By all accounts it was love at first sight for this young lady.

At one point she left her seat and followed the length of her tether until she was positioned behind Irvin’s leg. She’d occasionally peer around and get a little closer to me.

Irvin noticed this and began to laugh. When I asked what was so funny he told me that his baboon was in love with me and wanted to get to know me better. Confused, I asked him to explain himself.

I’d always heard bizarre stories about circus performers dressing up and making girlfriends of their animal stock. I was hoping this was not to be one of those instances. I was in no need for a baboon lover nor did I want to hear any lurid stories about Irvin and his lonely life on the road.

Instead there was a simple and innocent explanation. I had reddish-brown hair and a beard that matched. This particular baboon had a history of falling in love with any man with that color hair. As it was explained to me, she’d decide the guy was one HANDSOME and virile male baboon. We both got a big laugh at this event and I asked if I should alter my behavior or worry about hers.

“No. She’ll watch you very closely and try to get your attention,” he said, “She may try to hold your hand or something, but otherwise will not do anything to harm you. She just wants you to notice her.”

Seemed reasonable to me. It was a funny story and loads of fun to watch this otherwise vicious baboon become a giddy little schoolgirl around me. Having never pet a baboon before it was very cool to be able to walk hand-in-hand with one. Eventually I could set up closer to Irvin’s props and sit with her. Irvin would keep a watchful eye and I’d joke about him being our chaperone. It was just adorable.

This is how most of my rendezvous with this baboon would go over the years. I’d give her popcorn or cotton candy (It seems all girls like candy) and she’d want to sit near me and hold my hand, hoping I would return her affection. In short, it was the sweetest and most amazing animal encounter I’d had while on the road. At least MOST of the moments were sweet.

It had been a few years since the last time I saw Irvin and my lady love. The passage of time did nothing to reduce her feelings for me. In fact it had quite the opposite effect.

While setting up my props backstage, I took a moment to sit and relax. I noticed that my favorite primate was making her way towards me. She approached cautiously and nervously, as if she were about to ask me out on a date.

When she got close enough she tugged on my pant leg and looked up at me. She reached out to grab my hand. I helped her up to the bench and she sat next to me, leaning in and resting her head on my side.

There we sat, hand-in-hand, watching the world go by. When I looked into her big brown eyes she looked up at me, squeezed my hand…and began masturbating with her other hand!

She was furiously rubbing and thumping her baboon parts with every fiber of her being. She panted and grunted and made it quite clear to me that she was NOT going to live with this platonic relationship any longer! Flattering, but unsettling to say the least.

I very carefully removed myself from the situation and got Irvin. We laughed a good laugh over the event and agreed that it would be best if I avoid her until this monthly urge of hers passed. She looked back at me with a sad face as Irvin led her back to her seat. That look would follow me for the remainder of our time together.

A few years later I found myself working with Irvin one last time. When I asked him where “my girlfriend” was he told me that she had died the previous year at the age of 23.

I asked him what had happened and he explained she had a form of leukemia. However that was not what killed her. During her treatments she developed a problem with a valve in her heart and died of a heart attack.

With a smug grin he said, “I guess you can say she died of a broken heart, Andy.”

While I found the joke amusing I was of course, upset to hear the news. These thing happen in the circus but you never get used to the idea of losing an animal any more than you get used to the idea of losing a family member. Irvin had that baboon since she was a baby and she was one of his best animals. I lost a truly unique figure in my life as an entertainer.