George Bailey Should Have Jumped!

Contrary to the belief of many, including several government agencies, I don't make a lot of money. It seems like a lot to the average person, but they never figure in taxes and the expenses of promoting and maintaining an act. Frequently, I find myself wondering if I will be able to make it from month to month, especially in years like this one.

I have been saving up and avoiding cashing at least one check so I could get some plans in order with a financial planner. I worked for his company awhile back and saw so many average folks like me that were so happy and so much less frazzled about the future thanks to him I thought he'd be the guy to call.

I have NO ILLUSIONS about ever living a debt-free existence. I don't even consider it an option or a goal to shoot for. Unless I really hit it big in this business it is a completely unrealistic notion that I'll ever be able to live without some major debt. All I wanted when I met with this guy initially back in April and again when I called him for an appointment today was to find a way where I can...

A) Reduce my debt
B) Gain enough financial security to cover the emergencies and pay for the vacations & maybe one day be able to afford health insurance.
C) Allow me to continue to try and make a living in my chosen profession

That's it. I have no need for a retirement plan. I'll never be retiring because I'll never make enough money to retire, I'm not working most of the time now, and I won't live long enough to even enjoy the cash I've socked away. I'll be dead some time between 60 and 70. That's just how it is in my family. I won't be having any kids so I've no need to save for them. April is covered under my life insurance, but that's not much, and I may not be able to keep the policy alive beyond 2006 as it is.

Anyway, I had to fill out this long form detailing all of my debt (which was difficult...I have so much debt), all of my assets (which was easy...I have none), and so on. Nothing on Earth has ever made me feel less intelligent, more useless, and so completely helpless in my life than filling out this form. I called the guy and begged him for a reason to keep my appointment because to me, it is beyond hope.

I don't even know how much money we spend on laundry much less how much I spend on everything else. We need eggs...I buy eggs. There's no budget involved. I pay the bills when they come and I buy the things I need when I need them, especially for the business. I keep track of my business expenses but as my accountant and the IRS will attest to, I'm not very organized and I'll likely never be any better at this crap. I am positive I won't even be able to do the things this planner suggested and keep track of every dollar I spend and try to come up with a budget. It is all too much and I was just not brought up to be that kind of person.

About all I can do right now is TRY to keep track of what I spend personally and professionally and put this check into a bank account. From there will be all the same trappings that have hit me every time I've made these attempts. I put money aside from every paycheck and vow not to touch the money. Some sort of cash emergency comes up and I don't have the money available to pay for everything. I take out the cash from the account and I never have money again.

By the way, if you're going to give me the self-fulfilling prophecy line of bullshit you can fuck right off right now! This is educated projections based upon years of conclusive data, here.

The cash emergency may already be here to be honest. I was considering canceling the appointment even before the financial planner suggested I sock the money away, sort out my expenses, and call him when I can afford to really get started. The thing is, anyone will tell you that at my age, if I haven't done something by now about my finances or my future, it is safe to say that I will have no finances nor any future to speak of because it takes time to make things like these happen. I am on the verge of a complete breakdown thinking about all this.

This is not a stereotypical loser suicide blog post here. I just find it somewhat funny to look at all the debt I'd written down on this form and realized that I'm BARELY worth more dead than alive. I'm not kidding, when you factor in taxes, the cash April would make off my life insurance policy would just about be enough to cover debt and allow her a dinner at Sizzler to celebrate. Really, how can any financial planner get any business after subjecting someone to this 20-page, "YOU'RE A LOSER" document?

Anyway, I'm not going to my appointment and I'm going to go through the folly of using this check to start a "You can't touch this money EVER" account. I'll let you know when that account has been touched to pay for the crappy life I ruined years ago and am still paying for now. Fuck, my whole life in on credit. I'm not just talking about credit cards, I'm talking about all the shitty and stupid things I've ever done are things I'm forced to pay for years down the road. There's got to be a blues song in there somewhere.

The guy was very cool about it and of course, optimistic about our one day being able to work together. I'm just wishing the director's cut of "It's a Wonderful Life" involved a scene where George Bailey sees life without him, realizes that it has in fact been a shitty life, and tosses Clarence over the bridge.