A Look At Some Recent Fan Mail (Longer post...Sorry)

As you may know, I offer a FREE collector's card to anyone willing to send me an e-mail and request the darned thing. Lately I've received quite a few of these e-mails. It is certainly flattering and it is always a good way to promote my act.

Of course, the special moment is somewhat ruined when I catch you blatantly lying about me, my act, or my abilities. I'm not famous nor inaccessible. I'm certainly no celebrity nor am I important in any way to anybody outside of family so don't sugar-coat your request. I promise, you'll get the card and autograph regardless. You get no bonus points for creativity.

I know what you're thinking. You want proof. Well, OK.

I'll leave the names out of here as I don't want to embarrass anyone. Here are some of the most recent requests for Andy memorabilia. We'll start with some of the less flattering, more believable requests and then go from there.

Here's one from Arkansas. It is simple and to the point. It is even amusing to me so that's always good.

"Hello Andy,

May I please have one of your collector cards and please autograph it for me to add to my personal autograph collection, also if you want to get rid of some of your older cards I will take them as well LOL,I love to collect autographs and a friend of mine from Chicago saw you in a nightclub and said you are are really funny guy.Thank you for your time."

Nice. I'd have liked to know where this friend saw my act, if in fact there was a friend who saw me somewhere, but regardless it is nice to see letters like these in my inbox.

Another simple one, this time from New Jersey.

"I really enjoyed your juggling act when I saw you in Chicago a while back. You are hilarious, dude! I'd truly consider it an honor and a privilege if you could send me your autographed photo. Thanks so much for your valuable time and consideration, and best of luck in your future endeavors."

Once again, I'd like to know where this guy saw me. I assumed since it was a request from New Jersey (and based on when I received this letter), he may have seen me at Jon Spiegel's birthday bash. I answer all of my fan mail, but rarely get any sort of response in return so I don't know what the whole story is here.

Let's move on. This is a request from Belgium. I get quite a lot of international e-mails. As it happens I'm HUGE in Indonesia! This would be the first time I got such a specific request for a signature. I'm assuming the guy is either an autograph collector or some sort of identity thief. ;)

"Dear Andy,
yes, I would like to receive your card signed and personalized :
could I also have an autograph on a white card or paper ?
thank you very much."

I took my penguin paper cutter out and made a real Andy souvenir for this guy. I hope he liked it...and that he's not using my signature to buy a car or something.

Now let's get past the nice and simple e-mails and get to the good stuff. How about some fan mail from a couple of German ladies!

"Dear Mr. Martello!
My girlfriend and me are great fans of you. Unfortunately we've never had the chance of meeting you personally. Therefore we would ask you, if you please could send us 2 original autograph photos of you. Many thanks in advance for your kindness. We wish you all the best for the future."

Now we're talking! In my mind these are two German supermodels that own a sex club with a martini & cigar lounge. Of course, not ever receiving an e-mail in return I'll never know. Once again, not too weird or overly flattering an e-mail, but it starts to bust out from here.

Returning back to the States...

Hello,I just thought I would write you an email telling you how much a fan I am of yours. I think you are one of the greatest Comedian’s I have ever seen. I try to go to your shows whenever I can. I love seeing you live. How do you come up for the ideas of the things you do? I hope you keep up the great work and someday I hope to be as good as a Comedian as you are.If you don't mind I would love to have an autographed picture of you to hang on my wall. I would really appreciate it.

OK, this one came from a town in Pennsylvania that I've never worked, never visited, and never heard of. I KNOW this guy is just buttering me up. I did in fact send a response letting him know that I knew he was laying it on too think, but I did answer his questions about comedy theory and, of course, sent out the photos.

How about a word from the French?

"Mister Martello,

First and foremost, I beg your pardon for my mistakes. But my English language is very poor and very bad...

I have been one of your constant young French admirers for a long time. Yes ! Believe me ! Because you are truly a great entertainer, I am sure that you are a popular artist with a lot of personality. So I would be most grateful if you had the kindness tofulfilll my dearest wish. I hope to have one of pictures personally signed by you and, if possible, personalized to me. Thank you so much in advance. I realize that you must receive many similar requests but I hope that you will find the time to answer mine. I am not an autographs dealer. I am only a young man who loves entertainment. Please, answer to me : it is some secondes of your heed but it is an everlasting remembrance for me."

Isn't that the sweetest thing? Maybe these folks find my website and enjoy the videos. Maybe they read the blog. Maybe they've read my many smart-assed columns somewhere on the web. Or maybe, they're just completely unaware that I'm so lonely and attention-starved I'd send em a card if the e-mail read, "Hey fuckwad, are ya whackin' it? Send me a card or I'll kill your pets!"

This last one, received just the other day, IS from an autograph collector. I'm assuming this guy is writing on the speculation that I'll one day hit the big time. I can respect this because if I did hit it big, perhaps I'd become a bigger asshole than I already am and start charging people for my signature at some memorabilia shows. Regardless, it is another guy that doesn't realize I'm NOBODY! It is still nice to get the requests. His card went out in today's mail. Notice how this guy really wants to make sure the thing arrives safely!

"Dear Mr. Andy Martello

My name is ******** and I am from Canada. I am an autograph collector and although I have many autographs from famous Canadian celebrities, I had only recently started a project in collecting autographs from famous groups of people from around the world.

I just want to say what a truly wonderful comedian you are. I recently started a project and was trying collect as many presenters and comedians as possible from the U.S.A. America is one of the most kindest places to ask and I was wondering if I could get your autograph as well.

I was wondering if you could please kindly sign an autograph photo of yourself, and send it to the below address.

I can't thank-you enough for all of this.Can you also mark clearly DO NOT BEND on the envelope. I do not wish to have the mailman bend the photo. I can't thank-you enough for all of this. It would be greatly appreciated if you can do this for me and I wish you all the best of luck in all your future endeavors. Thank-you. "

I haven't performed in Canada in over 15 years. I know I'm not on any TV shows out there. He must also be speculating that I'm a funny comedian. I wonder if my card will be next to William Shatner's.

Later this week, I'll share some actual fan letters from kids that came in the good old U.S. Mail many years ago.