The Swan is BACK!

Guilty pleasure television at its finest! After watching the two-hour special the other night promoting the new season I remembered I wrote a piece about the first season for The Cheers. Since it all still applies I thought I'd reprint it here. Pardon the typos and Enjoy!

Wanna Go to Hell? Watch FOX TV's "The Swan"!
By Andy Martello

When it comes to our favorite books, movies, television shows or pop songs, we all have our guilty pleasures. There will always be that one thing that you’re afraid to discuss publicly. There is a place on this Earth that specializes in creating guilty pleasure without any shame. Shame is reserved solely for the viewers. This place is the FOX Television Network.

I don’t know how they manage to do it time and time again. From "Melrose Place" to "Joe Millionaire", FOX has cornered the market on guilty pleasure programming. Their latest offering to the mix is "The Swan."

Here’s a quick summary : every week, we meet two women who are extremely unhappy with their appearance. These ladies undergo 3 months of extensive plastic surgery, physical training, mental therapy and dieting. Once transformed, they compete against each other in a beauty pageant at the season’s end.

Putting aside fake sentiments about everyone being beautiful, beauty being skin deep, and any other cliché we reserve for people who are less than perfect visually, this show is BRILLIANT!
Some of these gals fall well into the “great personality” category With regard to their looks, some are victims of their surroundings and are stuck with unsupportive husbands or fathers who just don’t know how to be nice to anyone. No matter what the story, all of these women are desperate to make drastic changes in their lives. These women are willing to endure anything to achieve their goals.

Surprisingly, FOX manages to make us care about these women. Their stories are so heartbreaking, one can’t help but want them to get their wish. You want them to get the work done and be transformed into new people. Once you’re emotionally involved in these desperate lives, FOX drops the other shoe. They make you feel dirty by reminding you that the ultimate goal of the program is to create a beauty queen. Throughout the show they bring it back to the pageant and stress that this is not just about one’s self acceptance, but the ability to make men masturbate to the results. I’ll say it again : BRILLIANT!

I don’t remember being so happy about feeling so awful in my entire life. On one hand, I am happy to see these people start liking themselves and “blossom." On the other hand, I can’t believe I am watching people go through all the pain and discomfort for a stinking beauty pageant. It is almost like watching a children’s pageant with disgust and then being elated when your own daughter wins. To quote the cult show, "Firefly", - “I’m going to the special hell” for this.

After all has been said and done, I am truly amazed with the “before & after” shots of these ladies. I am most pleased to see them accept themselves and hope more than anything that FOX will do an update show long after the series has ended. I want to see how these women’s lives have changed, if they kept up with the maintenance of their new selves and if any of them have sent their ungrateful bastard husbands packing. I force myself to forget about the final pageant, but I admit that I’m looking forward to seeing all the new hotties parading around in evening wear.

When contemplating the writing of this review and commentary about the show, I looked for justifications for "The Swan" being on the air. We seem to view folks who get plastic surgery as vanity whores taking “the easy way out." That being said, we SAY that physical beauty isn’t that important, but very few of us actually live by this theory. Most people don’t choose to date and marry unattractive people and we all have our own preferences when looking for a mate. If we ourselves were not the ugly kids being picked on by the pretty kids in school, we are guilty of being harsh to SOMEONE during our formative years. I assumed that I wouldn’t be able to look past the pettiness of "The Swan" and find any value at all. When faced with my own admission that I am an imperfect human being affected by beauty just like anyone else, I was sure I’d find no good in the show. Then it happened. I watched "American Idol."

I saw the ever-shrinking Randy Jackson, looking good and oozing with confidence. He was a much larger man in the two previous seasons and is now downright svelte by way of comparison, much to the delight of the audience. Did he hit the Stairmaster and ease off of the Ben & Jerry’s to get to this point? No. He underwent gastric bypass surgery to trim down. Thinking about it, NBC weatherman, Al Roker has been touted for his courageous move to have the same surgery in order to achieve the slender stature he enjoys today. More and more people are allowing themselves to be put under the knife to do what Mother Nature and their own self control could not do -lose weight and look good. Some of these people are doing it for vanity, others are doing it to save their own lives. Regardless, all of these folks are regarded as brave and heroic for taking this drastic step. How are these folks any different from the contestants on "The Swan?"

I’ve decided I cannot live in a world where Carnie Wilson is a hero and an unhappy housewife in dire need of a tummy-tuck is considered a head case. Even if this decision is made JUST to keep me from taking a shower after every viewing, I am confident this is the right way to go.

On their own, these women could never afford all the surgery and training to achieve their goals. The contestants on "The Swan" have many needs to be fulfilled. Not all needs will be fixed by surgery, cosmetic dentistry, exercise and therapy. However, one viewing shows that these dramatic transformations are suitable beginnings for some to find a better life. The team of surgeons and trainers make no judgements upon the people looking for the procedures and they never pretend that they are waving magic wands in order to fix imperfections. It is made clear to all contestants that there are no guarantees about the surgical outcomes and the results depend upon the patient’s ability to work hard, maintain a positive attitude, and stick with the program. They strive to instill confidence and self esteem into the contestants and start them off on paths that will result in positively-altered lifestyles and not just new appearances. In my opinion, that is a worthwhile endeavor. A trite dissertation about beauty in society would diminish the impact this show has on the lives of the contestants.

But there’s still that damned pageant. I know FOX will not create a show with the sole purpose of making the world a better place. Ruppert Murdoch is not Jim Henson and FOX is not going to air a "Fraggle Rock’" type show unless it involves an island, a mansion, busty Muppets in a hot tub, and some method of voting characters off the show. No sir, when it comes to programming, there must be something in it for FOX. The final pageant is the smarmy, profiteering side of FOX rearing its ugly head, but I can’t expect anything less from the network. This is, after all, what they do best. Plus, the redhead from the first week is WAY HOT! So lay off the FOX team and curl up in front of the set for a good time. Get some popcorn. You can heat it up with fire you’ll get from the “special hell."

© 2004, Andy Martello All Rights Reserved